5 Kickstarter Projects Whose Failures Will Cheer You Up

Kickstarter is a website where entrepreneurs show off a prototype of something they want to build and sell to the public. Instead of seeking a large amount of funding upfront, they use sales revenue from pre-orders that Kickstarter users place to get a production run started. Once a project passes a specified funding threshold, the project goes into production. For example, one might showcase a pair of premium jeans to be sold for $100, but the project will only happen if it garners more than $100,000 in funding, or 1,000 pairs of jeans. It has been used to great effect, for instance, to fund independent films – 10% of films at Sundance are Kickstarter-funded, according to the company’s 2012 annual report.

Of course, even the best of technologies cannot escape exploitation at the hands of the wicked. The Soviet Union had Sputnik, and well, the fat acceptance crowd now has Kickstarter. Some have objected to the word ‘fat,’ as harsh; in its stead, the term Women Hailing the Acceptance of Large Entities (WHALEs) has been gaining currency.

1. Seriously Plus What? A Magazine For Women With Curves

While WHALEs have had some visibility on places like Tumblr and Reddit, their presence in the world of mainstream magazines has been rather, er, thin. This venture sought to reverse that. Thankfully it never came to fruition. My sources report that the photo above is actually a brain teaser – the goal is to figure out how she has soaked herself in sweat by merely holding two pound dumbbells. Note the WHALE’s aggressive show of soggy cleavage, to remind the viewer that appearances to the contrary, she is a woman. The venture offered t-shirts to those who volunteered funds, but curiously, the smallest size available was XXL (aka 1X) – somehow there is no room for non-morbidly obese backers in this movement.

Money Raised: $788

Progress towards goal: 7%

2. Plus-Size Fashion Rolls Into NYC

The goal of this project was to raise money to get the creations of a clothing designer into a plus size fashion show in New York City. Above all, I have to recommend their promotional video to the bodybuilders out there on the ‘cutting’ phase of their diet, for its welcome ability to suppress appetite. The video features these women dancing, and I am told it was filmed on March 11, 2011 – a curious coincidence. My sources further report that a certain master chef named Nigel was on the scene to sate them after their arduous filming.

Money Raised: $2,117

Progress towards goal: 26%

3. Pageant of Queens – Mumu Plus Size Fashion TV Show

Pageant of Queens claims its aim is to create a TV fashion show to build the self-esteem of women whose self-image and knee joints are in tatters, thanks to their copious size. But in their promotional video, the last few frames make their intent clear. Like the great Martin Luther King Jr., the WHALEs too have a fantastic dream – that every Big Beautiful woman will have at least one young, handsome buck groveling for her company, and preferably multiple. (Note how the frame above reads “OUR PURPOSE” in great big capital letters, followed by an arrow pointing to a man kneeling before her.) This dream may seem fanciful to many contemporary ears, as did those of MLK in his time. With God’s blessing, however, they will not experience the success that Dr. King’s ideas have.

Money Raised: $0

Progress towards goal: 0%

4. Bijouz Full Figured Fashion

Here we have a promotion for a new fashion line. These women are so fat curvy that even the favorite tensed-muscle ‘arms akimbo’ pose favored by attention whores everywhere cannot obscure the brobdingnagian deposits of adipose tissue dwelling on their limbs.  Wait, I meant to say, ladies – you’re beautiful. Again, a similar trope crops up: the only men that belong in the presence of these women are young, lean and handsome.

Money Raised: $100

Progress towards goal: 5%

5. ‘Adding a PLUS SIZE line to my online shop’

Here’s the palate cleanser. Honestly, this one is just spiteful. The proprietor claims she wants to expand her offerings to include clothing for fat-sized women, and then puts up a promotional video consisting of cute slim babes frolicking in bikinis at the beach. Trying to curry the attention of WHALEs by shoving skinny girls in their face is like trying to get a feminist following by attempting to murder your girlfriend. Oh wait. That might actually work.

Money Raised: $331

Progress towards goal: 33%

Alright screw it, the photo from exhibit 2 is meme-worthy. Try your hand at writing a funny caption:

Don’t MissHow Black America Has Predicted Our Future

29 thoughts on “5 Kickstarter Projects Whose Failures Will Cheer You Up”

  1. I sent an email on Kickstarter to Anslee, the warpig fashion designer. Honestly, I was worried that if so many fat chicks gathered in one place that the cumulative gravitational pull would form a black hole and end life in our solar system.
    I received the response below.
    I can only conclude that Kickstarter cares more about political correctness than about the preservation of life in our solar system.
    From: Kickstarter Support
    Hi there,
    Nice to meet you. I’m writing because of an abusive message you sent to a project creator. This kind of activity is against our Community Guidelines (http://www.kickstarter.com/help/guidelines#community), and will not be tolerated.
    Due to your inability to comply with our guidelines, your privileges to certain features on Kickstarter have been revoked. If you agree to comply with our guidelines going forward, they will be restored.
    We take our guidelines very seriously; please take a minute to read through them. Appreciate your attention.
    Best, Kickstarter

    1. Al Bundy couldn’t have come up with a better insult. I tip my hat to you, sir.

    2. So disagreeing with something or mocking it now constitutes “abuse?”
      I’m waiting for them to outlaw comedians.

  2. Great find.
    Where’s the feminist version of Kickstarter to get these projects off the ground? FatStarter.com, WhaleStarter.com, FemStarter.com?
    Let’s those Fem’s put their collective money where their collective mouths are — just inches away from another Fudgie the Whale Cake.

  3. Great laugh. Just when the amount of ever-increasing female tonnage on view around the western world continues to leave us breathing sighs of hopelessness, you just can’t help but be uplifted by the many lines in this article like the “self-esteem of women whose self-image and knee joints are in tatters…”. And someone taking the time to e-mail one of these blobs with serious concerns for “gravitational pull”, the “black hole” and the ending of life in our “solar system”, is well, funny. Comedy gold article.

  4. Part of me thinks that “Fat Acceptance” may prove to be feminism’s high water mark…trying to force men to think of these whales as attractive just isn’t going to work, and all their rhetorical ploys and PC BS isn’t going to turn rank ugliness into beauty. My hope is that the more they push this fat acceptance crap the more men (and women) will finally start to see what a bunch of nonsense the whole ideology is. And if not, it’ll still be fun to laugh at them.

  5. “Plus-Size Fashion Rolls Into NYC” reminds me of the scene from WIld at Heart —
    “They’re making a porno movie… Texas style!”

  6. There was a time when the west’s perceptions of Eastern Bloc or Communist women was one of shapeless obesity…we have become the very thing we hate hated.

  7. Not sure I get your point here. Plenty of Kickstarter projects fail, even those not targeted at fatties.
    Or is it that the fattie market is not viable? I think it is, much as I don’t like it. Looking at the numbers, people are getting more fat by the day. For the benefit of all of us, they need to wear clothes. That’s a good market to be in.

  8. I’m conflicted about this article. One the one hand it’s very, very funny. On the other hand, I haven’t seen such deluded female behaviour since November 2012.
    And imagine the satirical potential of a hyper-obese beauty pageant: Miss Gastropod 2013. I’d almost donate a few shekels

  9. Nigel’s Big Game Blog even has a “Feed the Fatties” link. Looks like it’s helping the girls in picture no. 2

  10. Yelling abuse at fat chicks isn’t going to solve the problem. Most fat people fucking hate themselves, yet every time they try to diet and exercise, they fail.
    In nearly all cases, obesity is caused by food addiction. It could’ve been heroin, cocaine, nicotine, weed, alcohol, hell, even the internet. But it just happened to be food. Food is prosperous and feels pretty damn good. But it’s just another addiction, with the exact same causes.
    How do you solve addiction? It’s not willpower. It’s not shaming. These things don’t work.
    You know what happened when a city invested in a building for homeless alcoholics, where they had a lovely place to live, where they were accepted by their peers, and where they had unlimited access to alcohol? Most of them were able to overcome their alcohol addiction, and the city saved money.
    You know what happened when scientists actually set rats up with a beautiful place to live, privacy, sufficient food, social contact… and then force fed them heroin? All of the rats wilfully gave up the heroin addiction. None of them tried to take the heroin.
    Addiction occurs when a vital need is missing in a person’s life. It could be privacy, self-esteem, human touch, sufficient sleep, manageable stress, and so on. People are getting fat because society is fucking shit and food is the most accessible drug.
    Shaming fat chicks isn’t going to make them lose weight, ESPECIALLY if the reason they got fat is because of a low self-esteem. Believe it or not, this kind of “fat acceptance” trash is actually very helpful for them to lose weight.
    Obesity and other addictions are problems relating to quality of life, and the only way to solve it is to look at where people have low qualities of lives (e.g. workplace stress, lack of human touch, low self-esteem), spread the real cause of the issues, and offer facilities and societal solutions for changing the problem.
    Blame feminism all you want. But the reality is, feminism is a symptom of the problem, not the problem.

    1. Great post. I understand that feminism has gone beyond the point of rationality, but I don’t understand why men make fat women the enemy if the majority of fat women are insecure. The true problem is the attractive and even average-looking females who think they are the queens of the world to whom everyone should bow down.

    2. They should go for the cocaine addiction, makes them nice and skinny in under 60 days!

    3. Gee, let’s give all the winos beautiful homes in a great neighborhood. Let’s throw in free food, health care and a car! Why should we reward them? Soon, everyone would be a junkie

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