Background
After perusing the Internet I’ve noticed many articles on what to do and what not to do at an alcohol serving establishment. Most advice pieces are from the perspective of a customer such as a roller, pick up artist, safety advocate, etc. Some pieces are written from service industry employees who are biased for their own profit. I decided to add my own two cents as altruistically as possible. There are some things that are never mentioned in other articles that I noticed so I will focus on them. So sit back and prepare to suspend your disbelief.
The Establishment
The establishment you choose is key for a good night. Aside from the obvious cleanliness and criminal element presence indicators, there are certain things you should scope out. One thing is the cash register. If it is a relatively new and sophisticated computer system, the odds of you being ripped off are minimal. If it is some dollar tree Casio numerical keypad register with a separate credit card machine attached, one should beware. Another thing to take notice of is the liquor bottles. When bottles are empty I throw them away, so that bottle of Jack Daniels you see on the shelf should look brand-new. If you notice bottles of high-volume sales liquors with beat up labels, there is a strong possibility that bottle of Jameson is not actually filled with Jameson. Also, if they don’t pour the drinks in the open, red flags should go up in your mind.
Tells of Cheapness
When going to a reputable establishment, it is best not to do things that give the impression that you are a cheapskate. A quick indicator of cheapskates is knockoff clothing, jewelry, and accessories. Another thing that gives them away quickly is when they ask how much something costs. If you have to ask how much something is, you can’t afford it. Another one that defies logic and my brain is people who think they get more alcohol by asking for it in a tall glass or with less ice. Telling the bartender it is your birthday is acceptable. Asking for free shot because it is your birthday is not. Another move that gives away a cheapskate is telling the bartender that you tip at the end of the night without starting a tab. Also, using a dead credit card to start a tab might actually have you sent to jail.
Be Prepared
Know what you want to drink before you come to the bar. Be ready to pay immediately after the drink has been served. If it is a busy night, people will be irritated at you slowing things down. If you plan on banging barflies, make sure you consistently use a fake name and pack condoms. If you plan on getting intoxicated to the point of blacking out, wear clothes you wouldn’t mind puking on and have a cab number programmed in your phone. Preparation is the key to your success.
Don’t Be Ignorant
The “T” at the end of Merlot is silent, do not pronounce it. Amaretto it is not pronounced “Amarillo”. Don’t ever say “this doesn’t taste like how I make it at home” or at Applebee’s. Sometimes someone will pull the old ”I’ll have a vodka tonic”, and then when I deliver it say “I said vodka cranberry”. Trying to score free stuff by saying you wanted something else does not work. I will pour said drink down the drain or put in the fridge for me to drink later. Also, no matter how many MMA classes you have been to, you will not be able to engage a bouncer effectively while intoxicated. “AMOG”ing employees is not recommended.
Making Things Complicated
I’ve noticed some groups like to do something call social preening. This is a pretentious and vapid way to appear sophisticated. One method of social preening is to order complicated drinks to appear sophisticated. I enjoy making mojitos and other popular yet complicated drinks , but when someone orders a drink they don’t even know what’s in it or tries playing the “test the bartender’s knowledge game” using some new iPhone app, frustration will ensue. My register has the bar Bible on it, so you cannot win with the “Screaming Viking”. Also if you order four shots, you are expected to pay for said four shots, not “he will pay for that one I’ll pay for these two and she’ll get that last one”.
Here To Serve You
Some customers cannot make up their mind on what they would like to drink, so I ask them their preferred method and motivations for drinking are. Want to get drunk cheap? I can do that. Want something you can’t make at home? I can do that. Want something makes you look manly but not too strong? I can do that as well, all you have to do is ask. Some oddball requests I’ve gotten include stuffing a glass with cherries and filling it with Crown Royal, making a $100 sex on the beach in a beer pitcher(surprisingly difficult math wise), and sending a round of three shots of water to some angry ladies. For the most part if you got the money, I can make it happen within the bounds of the law. If an establishment does not respect you and you are not being a jack ass, you should not continue to do business with them.
Different Perspectives
I must state that my demeanor, motivations and actions are not the same as all bar service employees. For example, I do not mind if customers go “hey you” or snap their fingers at me but this appears to be extremely irritating to others. I enjoy watching customers accomplish their “mission” and will help a dude “get it in”. Surprisingly or not depending on your perspective, female bartenders put their ego ahead of their paychecks sometimes. They might submarine your chances of sealing the deal with a girl because they are jealous you are giving her attention. Also, I actually enjoy hearing people’s stories and learning new things, but to some other bartenders, the customer is just a step toward another 8 ball of cocaine.
Conclusion
To have a good time at the bar, have fun. Don’t bring outside problems in or use alcohol as an escape from reality. Remember it is a business though, and business is business.
Read More: Does Bottle Service Get You Laid?
Good analysis. Though the price thing is a bit derogatory. Sometimes I can only spend X amount of money, asking the price lets me do a quick tally of what and how much I’ll be drinking tonight. Prices vary greatly between bars so yeah, asking the price seem like a normal thing unless you are rolling with 10000$ every time you hit the club.
Also, don’t get too drunk and have an 8ball on hand for easy lays
it is derogatory but it is what it is. I suggest if you want to gauge the price without revealing your not a baller you should order a drink and put a $20 bill down to pay and see how much change you get before starting a tab.
Good stuff. I am always courteous and respectful of bartenders. They usually give back in spades when treated with respect.
I have a serious question: why is a bar monkey (or any service drone) worthy of any “respect” ? ya, sure, it can be hard but so is digging ditches. Why would that be respect worthy ? It sure isn’t anywhere else in the world.
If you are a engineer or scientist or top notch artist, ya, that is furthering the human condition and worthy of respect. If you are a bar monkey, just shut up, know your status in life, don’t talk to your betters unless spoken to, no one gives a crap about your existence.
The snapping of fingers is monkey training..Now go pour me a drink monkey.
Anyone who puts in a days ( or nights ) hard work is worthy of respect.
Wind yer neck in.
You fail to understand that menial work ain’t worthy of *any* respect. It’s what mules and pack animals do. Ispecifically gave the example of digging ditches and it being the exact opposite of science, literature, creativity and things that in fact are worthy of respect.
Since you failed to undertand that, I am presuming you must be a bar monkey in training…still in the denial stage perhaps..
Excellent analysis dear boy.
Because I respect anyone who gets off their arse and works whether they be bar man, barista or barrister that I must be a bar monkey myself.
As perverse,irrational logic goes, that takes the cake.
Mark my words mate, that attitude will bite you on the arse one day.
Leave the concern trolling for your betters.
I note in passing that you are simply unable to logically state any reason whatsover to “respect” pack mules and ditch diggers. And bar monkeys of course.
I treat everyone with respect unless they are dicks to me first.
Not everyone can be amazing and superior to everyone like you are though. But you are probably too far above me to even grace me with a response.
Good god man, these pack mules are serving you bitter liquids that you voluntarily consume. Ever heard of ethylene glycol? You can’t poop on the servants. You must not have very much money.
Wow. For someone who apparently is so evolved you seem to lack the most rudimentary of comprehension skills. So here it is again, in the best logic I can muster…
“I respect anyone who gets off their arse and works whether they
be bar man, barista or barrister”.
Pretty logical.
Pretty simple.
Pretty clear.
Crystal, in fact.
Quick question. Seeing as you’re out there killing it and what not, please do tell me about the days when you were starting out.
When you weren’t the high falutin’, high rolla’ you are now.
Maybe it was when you were trying to get your business off the ground and you were so short of cash you didn’t eat for three days.
Perhaps you had debt collectors knocking on your door demanding to pay them money because you hadn’t paid up in a few months, all while you working your bollox off to get your dream going?
All of which happened to me ( and much more ) before I got my own business running to where it is now.
Things which remind me not to disrespect anyone who works hard, no matter what they do.
So tell me , what did you do for money before you ‘made it’?
Or did daddy give you everything from the word go?
Also have you ever been around mules? Have you ever used a mule for transporting heavy loads. It’s not a good idea to disrespect them. Muleskinners and rich people teach their children this at a young age. You can fake it for a bit, but for the long haul, you really need to respect them in the proper place and fashion.
Reading comprehension fail. Im not surprised that you identify with the lower menial classes, to which you almost certainly belong yourself.
“I respect anyone who gets off their arse and works”
You respect..because you respect. How cute. Like getting up in the morning and digging a ditch all day is so respect worthy.
So tell me , what did you do for money before you ‘made it’?
How cute. Where did money come in the picture?
Scientists and philosophere and artists are often very poor.
But of course, people of your class don’t have enough of a education to even process the idea of furthering the human condition via science or art as being worthy of respect and being a bar monkey or getting up in the morning as being…well just a monkey. Nothing inherently respectful about it, it’s just slavish work, no education needed.
I dunno folks, is it worth humouring this fuckwit ?
Mate, you’re making about as much sense as drunken DC feminist intern, only you’re seething with even more entitlement and irrationality.
A wise man once told me , “Never wrestle with a pig, you’ll both end up filthy, and he’ll enjoy it’
You’re all alone in your twisted view of the world, as evidenced by what others think of you.
Good look mate, you’re going to need it.
Let’s see..when ad hominem doesn’t work, don’t try (1) doubling down and (2) invoke others and their fictional support for your “position”. It just makes you appear pathetic and desperate, the opposite of socratic and logical.
Also using the word ‘mate’ (which shows you are not even from the USA) makes you even more tiresome.
Shouldn’t you be droning away somewhere and “earning respect” instead ? Although Monkeys may not earn “respect” but watching them fling their verbal diarrhea is rather amusing.
Let’s see..when ad hominem doesn’t work, don’t try (1) doubling down and (2) invoke others and their fictional support for your “position”. It just makes you appear pathetic and desperate, the opposite of socratic and logical.
————————————————————————
Nah, I’m just trying to illustrate that you are all alone in your pathetic point of view. Quite obvious I would thought.
I’ve not attempted to dissect anything of you said because quite frankly its just too bloody retarded to take seriously.
Also using the word ‘mate’ (which shows you are not even from the USA) makes you even more tiresome.
———————————————————————–
Cant see how my nationality is in any way relevant to anything.
Shouldn’t you be droning away somewhere and “earning respect” instead ? Although Monkeys may not earn “respect” but watching them fling their verbal diarrhea is rather amusing.
———————————————————————-
No, I’m off to bed so I can get up early tomorrow morning and run my business.
I kind of admire your resilience actually.
You’re embarrassing the living shite out yourself to the point of parody.
Brought irrelevancies like my nationality ( Irish ) into the argument left right and centre.
You’ve been called out by every other right thinking person who’s cared to comment and still think you have a point ?
So, for that reason I actually tip my hat to you.
You’re so fucking stupid, that you’ve actually come full circle and became intelligent by sheer virtue of dumb persistence when you were clearly beaten.
You are Irish ? Holy shiate, I was looking for a deeper explanation but it’s beautifully clear now: of *course* you “respect” bar monkey-ing: alcohol is involved.
BTW, “Ronan”, Ireland is a beautiful country and quite seriously, I do wish you all the best and hope you create something artistic or cultural and long lasting in your own life/
In all fairness, wrestling a pig would be hella fun.
You’ve…never worked a day in your life, have you, you fucking troll?
you should read one of my other articles that i have written(and took pictures for) carefully and see why it is a good idea to treat strangers with courtesy and respect. http://www.returnofkings.com/15102/carry-the-big-stick
You are *actually* making the argument that people should be treated with respect (regardless of what they have achieved) because they could be carrying guns and could shoot you otherwise ?
I’m really beginning to think that this country has jumped the shark. I don’t know how to reverse this de-civilization of the US..it may be too permanently late.
Respect for being a bar monkey (not a scientist, not a philosopher or artist but a menial worker/drone!!) and then courtesy *demanded* at the point of a gun.
How did this happen ? Toxic rap, tabloids, what ?
it would seem you have no decorum so the avoidance of personal harm would be the best method for encouraging good behavior out of people like you
I bet you watch a lot of rap videos, think you are a badass and think you “deserve” respect for doing menial work (and not even hard labor at that, like a sweat shop).
You blurted out below:
–quote–
“I know a very specific group of people that think other
humans are cattle to be worked and serve them, I guess you got rustled over the “don’t be a cheapskate”
—
What specific group would that be ? Apart from being irrational and uncultured/unfit to live in any civilized country, you aren’t even brave enough to say what’s on your mind. It’s downright pathetic. But even worse, all these behaviors and threats are just another sign of where this country is heading…unmoored from civilization as the rest of the world knows it and entitled beyond belief.
I like how this little Nazi thinks he decides who is fit to live in civilized countries
1. be uncivilized and the lowest of class
2. be called out on it by civlized people
3. make ad hominem attack which are pathetic
4. GOTO 2.
You call people monkeys yet claim to be civilized. Lol tard
LOL- I presume these are all responses to the deleted comments. Must have been pretty bad whatever he said.
looks like i left before the party got good.lol
Because he’s handling your booze. Like you don’t disrespect the Chef because he’s handling your food. It’s just plain stupid.
lol, I think I’d almost automatically escalate into something bad if someone game me the “AMOG-handshake”..
Useful article.
lol
WTH, who does these things? I guess I’ve never been to a true dive bar if this is the advice people need.
I live in a rough city
This is the most bizarre interchange I’ve ever seen. The author suggests one should pick a bar based upon the cash register rather than the sets. Then this xxx douchebag engages in the beta rant about behaving disrespectfully to bartenders as somehow evidencing his status. When in fact all it demonstrates is a very beta need to squabble for social capital with the guy pouring you a beer. The rest of us will continue to rain grace, class, confidence, good humor and power over those around us rather than snap our fingers like insecure little worms.
I wrote about the things most other people have not written about before about the bar scene. i think the troll got upset that the service employees might actually be judging him
Could you care to explain why I should care that “I look cheap” if I ask prices? I don´t live in the US, so I think it does not apply to me, but who the fuck cares if I look at the prices before asking for a drink? Those women that give importance to that kind of shit do not have a place in my life (or in anyone´s that values himself).
it indicates you are tight with money and so the bartender will plan for not receiving a tip
Well, we don´t tip our bartenders here anyway (the jar is there, but people don´t tip in bars in Argentina, only the show-offs and the tourists, maybe). Yes we tip in restaurants and coffee houses.
I wish not tipping in bars was the standard here in the US too. I don’t know why I am expected to tip someone a dollar just for pulling a beer tap and filling a glass – 15 seconds worth of “work”. I would rather bar owners paid bar tenders a decent wage, but that will never happen as long as we have the evil IRS and its evil income tax system in place.
if a bar is busy, it helps determine which customers to sere first
Here is a good learning point, the troll in the thread messed up and revealed too much about himself in his misguided and poor attempt to rustle jimmies
“If you are a bar monkey, just shut up, know your status in
life, don’t talk to your betters unless spoken to, no one gives a crap about
your existence.”
Projection and megalomania
detected
“You fail to understand that menial work ain’t worthy of
*any* respect. It’s what mules and pack animals do.”
I know a very specific group of people that think other
humans are cattle to be worked and serve them, I guess you got rustled over the
“don’t be a cheapskate”
“But of course, people of your class don’t have enough of a
education to even process the idea of furthering the human condition via
science or art as being worthy of respect”
now your assigning attributes to complete strangers . also
art is a byproduct of advancement, not a cause .
Utilizing all the available information, this troll is most likely a
federal employee who thinks his status is real, and has a belief in ethno supremacism where his group is superior to all others
Didn’t you claim above that one should be polite to strangers because they could be carrying guns ? And then posted a link to a thread with lots of gun pictures. Not only that does make you completely uncultured (not the guns but the demanding of respect or ELSE!) …you can’t even process what culture is, if that’s the argument you are making.
—
“I know a very specific group of people that think other
humans are cattle to be worked and serve them, I guess you got rustled over the “don’t be a cheapskate”
—
What specific group would that be ? Forget irrational and wrong, you aren’t even brave enough to say what’s on your mind.
Haha the troll got rustled.
another “brave” american shows up, unable to verbalize whats on his/her/its mind.
The word “rustled” is rather low class by the way and although it’s not surprising, it still makes me weep for this country and for the fellow americans who “demand” respect for menial monkey tasks, demand civility (because they are armed) as if that’s a right, have lost all sense of social tradition, classes and history (unlike europe and rest of word) and worst of all, are so chicken and fearful that they can’t even speak their minds, in a anonymous forum.
So “Douglas0987” make some sort of implication but is too chicken to just say what he/she/it means, when called on it.
I weep. It wasn’t like this up from 1770 up until 1970.
He clearly states that you are a supremacist.
Too chicken to post again as “Douglas0987” so this is the best sock puppet you could come up with ?
What specific group did you mean, “Douglas0987” ?
You are truly bizarre and appear to be of an altered mental status. You should seek help
Your sock puppet is springing a leak, “Douglas0987”
Wow, what a fool. There are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies who probably still do “menial work” when they need to. We all do it. Well except for the ubermensch troll I suppose.
Like this article; a good general outline of the fundamentals of what it means to be a class act in an establishment. As was noted it is always good try to determine criminal element and avoid it. It’s not alpha going to a shit hole littered with scumbags, trying to prove something by getting in the middle of a shoot out. The only thing one needs to look for is the passive-agressive asshole factor in any place you go, but this can only be achieved by spending time and observing people there.
This article does not live up to it’s picture. Here’s a unique thing to consider when going to a bar. Not drinking or sneaking in mini bottles with your sports coat and drinking it out of sight or in the bathroom. A lot of common sense advice like don’t try to pay for things with a dead credit card and have your money ready to pay. It did irk me when the article says “If you have to ask about the price you can’t afford it.” Well buddy bars have wildly different prices a $1 beer can be more than $8 at another place.
“Use a fake name”. That’s the piece of advice I don’t get – what’s the point? Making up fake identities seems like a hassle and something that’d easily bite you in the ass eventually, and what’s the problem with everyone knowing your actual first name?
I just can’t think of any trouble I’ve gotten into, that could’ve been avoided by a fake name.
if you use a fake name with bar skanks, your real name will not turn up on child support orders and/or police reports
And why would somebody sleep with a bar skank? I don´t think a man needs advice to bed that kind of woman. You simply go and pick her up. That´s not a challenge.
batting practice
You sound like a great bartender. I’d frequent your establishment. Not so easy to find good places.
I’ve got one suggestion-PAY FOR THE DAMN DRINKS IN CASH!!!!!!!If you can’t carry cash to a bar don’t even bother holding everyone up with you’re limp wristed Debit Card.