What Facebook Quotations Say About A Girl

As learned masters of the western literary canon, American females will often fill their social networking profiles with useful bits of life wisdom. While these deep perspectives usually feature noted philosophers and artists, isolated banalities will occasionally slip through. You shouldn’t be Facebook friends with prospects, but in case you are, this list will help you to identify landmines ahead of time.

1. “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe

Starting off with the big guns. This may be the most overused quote on the internet by crazy drama queens with delusions of grandeur. She compares her life to celebrities and cannot exercise any executive control over her insane emotions, expecting others to just “deal with it” and pick up the pieces. Conventional asshole game will get you far in the feature film of her life, but you will never be more than a supporting character. This girl can rationalize anything.

2. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.” – Teddy Roosevelt

This is often a favorite of quasi-motivated, if uncreative, men. Girls with this quote are likely to be desperate to prove that they can hang with males in personal and professional settings. They’re often hypercompetitive and more manly than average. What does her jaw look like? Is she an aspiring lawyer? Though she may want to dominate you in bed, credit must be given for quoting an American president and not a drug-addicted movie star.

3. “Live well, laugh often, love much.”

This girl is more likely to have a solid family background and reasonable head on her shoulders. The downside? Booooring. This is the one entry on this list that is a self-contained bromide in its own right, rather than due to being overused. There’s also a high probability that she’s fat and/or ugly. You may be better off dating this girl than the tattoo-clad bandchaser, but she is likely to be vanilla and vapid.

4. “But we keep trying. Because you have to figure, if the world’s fattest twins can find love, there’s hope for all of us. Somewhere out there, there’s another little freak that will love us, understand us, and kiss our three heads and make it all better.” – Sex and the City

More of a mid-2000s favorite, if the girl has this dating cliché on her profile she’s at least 28 and rapidly hurtling toward the wall. Her hours spent mimicking Sex and the City have forced her to internalize the commoditization of love and eroded her ability to bond emotionally, but ironically she is still romanticizing her epic search for “the one.”  As soon as she finds her “little freak to love her” she will immediately resent that he limits the grandiose lifestyle that Carrie, Samantha, and the others have convinced her she deserves. She will make a dreadful wife and mother. Prepare for the Eat Pray Love midlife ejection. Spinsterhood awaits.

5. “Boys are not worth crying over, and the one who is wont make you cry.”

A favorite among the under-25 crowd. She has been burned many times and sees herself as jaded, but secretly loves the emotional rollercoaster that comes with dating alpha badboys. There’s a reason that she’s put herself in the same situation repeatedly. She purports to want a white knight in shining armor and complains about the lack of “good guys,” but a decent-looking guy with a white collar job is as repulsive as a leper to her. You have to make her cry once in a while, or she will find someone who will.

6. “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” – James Dean

There are two distinct groups who identify with this quote: the first actually lives by the quotation, which is horrifying because their low future time orientation prompts them to bang anything holding a guitar. You can identify this woman by her abundance of tattoos and her generally low-rent existence. For the second type, the life philosophy is completely aspirational: unless they would spend their last days watching reality television, browsing Facebook, and posting pictures on Instagram, their choice of quote belies an inner ennui from a life lived without purpose. Bring some actual excitement into her life and she’ll be yours.

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40 thoughts on “What Facebook Quotations Say About A Girl”

  1. That first one is absolutely true. It has annoyed the shit out of me for sometime now because it’s so goddamn stupid. The second one I’ve never seen on a chicks page but it’s popular in the special operations community for succinctly articulating the notion of “do your very best and fuck anybody that doesn’t like it”

    1. Copy that. The first one is usually attached to a land whale. I like Teddy’s, because it is a much more eloquent way of saying to some prick on the sideline throwing rocks, “what the fuck have you done?”

    2. Oprah’s been show casing this one lately…… go figure it’s gaining in popularity.

  2. I’m bloated, holding water, and can look a little puffy. I can have slight gyno, some acne, and at times rage and mood swings. But If you cant handle me when im bulking, you sure as hell don’t deserve me when I’m shredded.

  3. I’m broke. I have no money. I can’t afford to take a girl out to a coffee, but damn, if she can’t handle me when I’m poor, she doesn’t deserve me when I will be rich.

    1. I don’t think any decent woman would disagree with this. There’s more than just gold diggers out there.

      1. For each social class is different, but I urge you not to read sociological papers on the subject if you don´t want to become suicidal. The best option out for this situation is to decrease inequality in the income of men (and generate work for men, of course).

    2. I know you’re being sarcastic, but your quote is actually really good when taken seriously. I think more men should adopt (in a serious manner) the attitude that if the girl won’t want them when they are poor then the girl isn’t worthy of them period.

    3. True.
      I just gave some money to someone I feel lucky to even be helping.
      He didn’t ask, of course. He has his pride.
      But, even so. No good woman lets a good man starve. Who needs stupid shoes?

  4. Great article. There are a multitude of other quotes out there that get repeated but all ultimately say the same things. Be like Black Knight who has learned to decipher them and your reward will be ability to pick the winners and avoid the losers.

  5. Another one I’ve seen which goes something like this:
    “If you try to hold me to what I’ve done in the past you will quickly become a part of it.”
    Obviously, a girl who was raised as daddy’s Perfect Princess™. She is ultra-hypergamous, likely nominally religious but only insofar as it continually fuels her ego. Narcissistic to the core she will become borderline psychotic hurling obscenities and abuse at her if you dare tell her what’s what or expect her to show even a modicum of adult responsibility.
    Yes, I’ve had the misfortune of encountering such a creature.

  6. This bit of wisdom reminds me of observations made by delicious tacos, http://delicioustacos.com/2013/08/16/okcupid-water-water-everywhere/.
    Men are frequently criticized for being superficial. That may be, but is only overshadowed by the feminine shallows we suffer mostly without complaint.
    Seldom do I encounter some statement online (facebook, okcupid and any other depths of those swamps) that adds value. Most are embarrassing hackneyed cliches. See we fellas can be redundant too?… Not that Mr. Thin-Skinned’s altogether too modest intelligence is easily insulted.
    I suspect women stumble because they want to present an image of themselves that reflects that which they find charming, interesting and clever. But doesn’t a bit of mystery get their juices flowing too? If they were really clever, they’d leave most the nonsense out and just put enough sparkle to tease their rabid circle of fans to provide the ever escalating validation they crave. I’m not an actual advertising copywriter, but I know enough the truth of the maxim “less is more.” Often it’s not what you say but what you leave out that makes people interested.
    Apropos to advertising and self-promotion I’ll close with a couple of my favorite quotes relevant to all those social networks like facebook, etc. where people spend enormous resources to cultivate a public image of an idealized self.
    “News is what somebody does not want you to print. All the rest is advertising.”
    or
    “Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed; everything else is public relations.”
    Sources: disputed, but does it really matter? Why do we give so much more authority to wisdom if it comes from a respected personality? Shouldn’t it be the other way around that a clever or insightful aphorism causes us to raise the famous origin in our esteem rather than the inverse?
    Facebook is a game that Mr. Thin-Skinned doesn’t play. Whether for a basement-dwelling loser or international-playboy I don’t see the benefit only more work. If I’m ever so successful that I have to hire stylists to shop to fill my closet and dress me, I’ll hire some experts to keep my Facebook and Twitter feeds full to occupy my fans whose lives are otherwise empty.

  7. I was never convinced men thought Monroe was sexy due to her curves. My guess: she was dumb and blonde, therefore they thought she was a slut.

      1. I should have written her *persona* for which she was famous was ‘dumb and blonde’.
        As for the 168 IQ claim, it has never been documented with verified proof, and is usually-considered an urban legend or studio spin. I don’t believe it for a second just because she was photographed with literature conspiciously-angled towards the camera lens, especially considering the train wreck of her life.

        1. I agree. Any claim about a celebrity’s IQ should be taken with a bag of salt, especially if the celebrity is an actor, charismatic, beautiful, etc. I could believe that Steven Spielberg has an IQ of 168, because high intelligence is a major boon in directing. Being a successful actress requires talent, don’t get me wrong, but those skills are largely outside of g. People with IQs of 168 go into fields like science, technology, business, medicine, law, academia, etc. It’s more likely that a star-struck fan or publicity agent generated that claim, either out of bedazzlement or for personal gain.

        2. “People with IQs of 168 go into fields like science, technology, business, medicine, law, academia, etc. ”
          Wish it were so.
          Ms. Monroe knew which side the bread was buttered.
          High IQ or not, she was no dummy. The benefits of those professions you list yield nothing compared to full-on exploitation of feminine privilege.
          Why struggle and battle to achieve, when you can be the damsel-bait that makes the heroes exert themselves to the ends of the world?
          Conscious of her power Helen of Troy brought the great ones of antiquity to her knees much as M. Monroe did for her era.

    1. For some reason blonde american women are considered the top of the totem pole. Girls at a very young age find out how attractive they are and leverage that their whole or life. Blondes tend to push the limits of what they can get away with.. free drinks, leniency with all aspects of life etc.. I call it the Jessica Simpson syndrome. Girls act dumb so they can get everything done for them. They might have an I.Q of 150 but will gladly take the easy route and find a rich guy to leach off instead of going to school for at least 16 years and having a carear as long as she has some kids for insurance.Girls are only as smart as they need to be.

    1. My aunt knew a girl at Chico State who was held back a year for referring to Teddy as the New Deal president.

    2. The guy who invented Teddy Bears, duh!
      (Actually, my book on the subject says they were actually named for King Edward VII. Probably true since someone did get the idea to make one after seeing the Berryman cartoon, but it was a British book. And it should be noted that the Steiff company started making them in Germany, completely separate from the American person who did.)

  8. I love that first one. It fails in to catastrophic areas. First, it assumes you look like Marilyn Monroe. Second, the first three quarters carries on about how shit you are, and then concludes with, “And if you can’t handle the shitty me, the you don’t deserve the shitty me.” LOL

  9. What about “Well behaved women rarely make history”?
    See that one on bumper stickers quite often. Guess what, Marilyn? History remembers you as a disturbed whore. Suppose that’s how your blubbery, bitchy acolytes want to be remembered as well.

    1. The feminist bumper sticker slogan is a feminist sh*t test.
      Well behaved men rarely make history.

  10. I just found this site and I must say that it’s an impressive vocalization of what many men are feeling these days. Please do keep up the great work.

  11. I think it’s time for someone to profile you. Let me guess, you’re a sad virgin with glasses, who’s unemployed after he got fired thanks to his high ego, which led him to a fight with his boss. spends his whole life in front of the computer trying to figure society out and failing, profiling people. Dude, get a life.

  12. I think it’s time for someone to profile you. Let me guess, you’re a sad virgin with glasses, who’s unemployed after he got fired thanks to his high ego, which led him to a fight with his boss. spends his whole life in front of the computer trying to figure society out and failing, profiling people. Dude, get a life.

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