The Number One Reason Why Men Sabotage Their Interactions With Girls

Picking up girls is never easy, particularly if you’re doing it through through cold-approach day game or night game. That said, a great many guys will self-sabotage in an interaction in order to hang on to the misconceived sense that ‘things are going really well.’ This is a mistake and something that you must avoid at all costs.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation? Say you are out at a lounge bar. It’s midway through the evening and you bump into an attractive young lady by the bar. She smiles at you, her eyes light up and you begin a conversation. Fifteen minutes later you are still there, chatting away as if you’d known one another for years.

To add an extra element of pressure to the situation, perhaps a group of your male friends are watching you from a nearby table. Maybe they are raising their glasses at you, congratulating you for the great progress that you seem to be making.

Naturally this makes you feel good. However stone-cold alpha, most guys have an Achilles heel: they like to bask in other men’s approval of their sexual successes. There’s a famous joke about a man being stranded on a desert island with Claudia Schiffer and having sex with her. When they’re finished he asks her to put on his suit and tie. She’s confused by does so. Once she’s dressed up like a guy her turns to her and says ‘You’ll never guess who I just had sex with . . . ?!’

So you enjoy the approval of your friends. And you enjoy talking to the girl. She’s pretty, sexy and intelligent too. Finally, after all these bimbos you keep meeting, here’s a real ‘quality girl’.

Now all of a sudden your mind starts going off at a tangent. This girl is cool. What if we started dating? I could take her to that cool restaurant that’s just opened. We could talk about books and philosophy. This is going to be so great.

What happens is this: a combination of social pressure from onlookers and internal pressure from yourself, having built up this girl you just met to be something that perhaps she’s not, effectively freezes you and prevents you from taking the right actions. In other words you won’t spike up your conversation, you won’t be flirtatious and you certainly won’t try to escalate.

A Quality Girl

Under other circumstances perhaps you’d ask a girl to meet you elsewhere for drinks later once she’d finished with her friends. But you don’t want to do that this time because you want to do things ‘properly’. After all, she’s a ‘quality girl’. Also, you don’t want to risk rejection in front of your friends. That would be humiliating.

But most of all, you don’t want to risk rejection in front of yourself. This conversation has gone so well, but there’s a tiny part of you that is uncertain whether or not she actually ‘likes’ you in that way. You assume that she must because she’s spent such a long time talking with you. But you don’t know for sure. Better to simply take her number and contact her another time. That way if it does turn out to be a rejection then at least you can hear it in private.

Unfortunately it is precisely this approach that will lose you more girls than it will win you. It’s been a maxim in pick-up for a long time that you should approach every pickup in the same way regardless of how hot the girl is. If she’s a 10 then treat her like a 5, in other words.

This is very easy to pay lip-service to, but unfortunately in the heat of the moment it’s easy to forget. The stakes just feel higher when we are talking to a girl we really like. It seems more significant, like there is more to lose.

The reality of course is that all pick-up is binary. You either get the girl or you don’t. D either enters V or it doesn’t. There is no credible middle ground. But too many of us would rather linger in a grey area where we can hope that something might happen rather than pushing the interaction in front of us as far as we can to test whether something actually will happen.

When you think about it, these are the exact same bars that the friend zone prison is fashioned from. When a man is in the friend zone he is essentially saying to himself, ‘OK, I recognise that things aren’t as I’d like them to be between me and this girl right now. But I’m hoping that things will change. That she will wake up one morning and realise that she wants to be with me. That she can’t live without me.’

On a micro-level this is what you are doing when you talk to that girl in the bar or club or street but you fail to escalate. Because you are getting a modicum of positive feedback you would rather continue to hear that than to ask her on a date directly and risk her turning you down.

None of us like to see our dreams shattered, and yet we must be prepared to watch pick-up after pick-up come to nothing if we are ever to hope to have an abundant sex life.

Make It Plain What You Want

When you are having any kind of interaction with a girl you must make it absolutely plain what it is that you want. I’m not saying you should be crude, but even if you go indirect I would advise that she should know through your eye contact body language and vibe that you are a sexual guy and you’re interested in her in that way.

At the end of the interaction you must either escalate sexually (by, say, asking her to come back to your place) or you must propose a date. Again, it must be very clear that you are talking about a date as opposed to a friendly meetup for coffee.

If she says no then she says no. That’s her prerogative. But a lot of game is actually just about getting girls off of the fence. She may like sitting on that fence, and she might value the attention that you give her while she does, but it’s not doing you any favours. In fact, it’s doing you harm and the longer it goes on for the more harmful it will become.

It’s always far better to go for what you want quickly and unapologetically. If things don’t go your way then at least you tried and were true to yourself. But as they say, fortune favours the bold and you’re much more likely to get good results by being upfront that you are by biding your time and losing momentum.

Want to find out more about how to get great at game? Check out Troy’s book The 7 Laws of Seduction and follow him on Twitter and at realtroyfrancis.com 

Read More: The One Girl You Absolutely Must Approach Every Day 

92 thoughts on “The Number One Reason Why Men Sabotage Their Interactions With Girls”

  1. Desperation. Don’t ever give off that vibe, no matter how funny you try to make it.

      1. Treat her like an old friend. Speak to her like that. Don’t look at her ass or boobs. Study your body language so that you know what shows the world that you are relaxed and don’t have nervous energy.

        1. How does that work with making it plain that I want sex from her? Speaking to her like an old friend – that I want to have sex with?
          Body language studies are fine, but how the hell do I, for example, stop my hands from shaking?

        2. Put them in your pocket. When you have them in your pockets with your thumbs out it kind of shows you think you’re better than the person you’re speaking to. Think about how you speak to people you know. How easy is it? How do you go about it. Feel the flow. The problem is it’s so fluid we usually don’t think about it. Think about it. How you make it plain that you want her is sexualizing the conversation and kino. Touch her. Studying nlp will help you. You’ll learn the power of words and how to use them. Give me a scenario you experience a lot or you can expect to experience. Where are you? Time of day etc

        3. Instead of “treat her like an old friend,” try the frame that you are two kindergartners on a playground, and you’re the mischievous boy throwing rocks at girls he likes. She’s just a girl. And I don’t mean that like “Why should you have anxiety, she’s just a girl.” No, I mean that she’s the same, bratty little plaything she was back in grade school – but with a nice ass.
          https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/seducing-women-is-a-childrens-game/

        4. Realize that women are all the same on the inside. Some are shit on the inside and out, and some are shit with a pretty bow wrapped around it. Just remind yourself she’s not worthy of you and those jitters will go away.

        5. “Treat her like an old friend. Speak to her like that”
          Respectfully, no. Treating her like a friend will get you ‘friended’ – big fuckin mistake.
          Attention (eg talking to her as a friend) is currency to a female – let her work for your attention, and do so in a way so she knows she’ll need to dish up her stinkbox or a bj for your attention.

        6. When he followed up with how he could show his intention while treating her as a friend I told him to sexualize the conversation and use kino escalation. When I told him to treat her like a friend it was about mind frame to curb the nervousness and to have an idea of how conversation should flow. If he wants to engage her ignoring her or talking to her friend would be the wrong move unless he could move the friend to like him and pivot off of her and it sounds like he isn’t that sophisticated

        7. If your hands are shaking it sounds like you have bigger problems than being able to talk to girls.

        8. His problem was he is too nervous to go nike with it. I’m a just go in kind of guy too. It’s not fun to me when it’s a lot of thought

        9. Lol as do I. I like making them uncomfortable. Again, that’s not dude’s speed. If he’s standing there ogling her with nervous energy he’ll just have something to think about when he’s beating off later

        10. I get it but its because I’m nervous that I just jump off the ledge. Free fall. If I think about it I’ll talk myself out of it.
          I’m pleased you got the Nike reference.

        11. “while treating her as a friend I”
          The second you treat a her like a friend, you get friended and no sex, ’nuff said.

        12. Not in my experience. I haven’t had many female friends I hadn’t diddled first. I’ll take your word for it bro.

        13. It could a matter of luck as well. But generally I go for the prettiest tail I can get, and the prettier chicks (8 5 + on the 1-10 beauty scale) tend to all be ADHD

        14. A female friend for me is one I have only had sex with and no relationship. That’s not what I was telling him though. I was saying to quell his nervousness he should think of how he speaks to his friends. The looseness he feels with them etc

        15. Reading the interaction between us do you think that is the guy’s experience? Sounds like he is anxious around women period. I don’t think he’s worried about their grade. Just trying to get some type of traction for action. Having a nice direct conversation with positive body language and escalating kino is a good start for the young man. Once his hands stop shaking maybe he can start ignoring targets and pivoting off of 7.2s to get the 8.9. I gave him a good starter kit.

        16. Or treat her like a fine art display. If she’s attractive, give her the slow up-and-down every now and again in a relaxed way, like a patron studying the Venus de Milo. If this unnerves you, unfocus your eyes when you do it – you don’t actually have to SEE her to get the effects of a guy who’s seen it all but can still appreciate a fine piece.
          Lock eye contact and forget she has a body when talking. Girls’ eyes and guys’ eyes aren’t as distinct as other physical characteristics, so you can bypass a lot of your hangups this way.
          And speak slowly. Think like a stereotypical Southerner – speak at such a pace that you seem entirely unhurried, at a pace where you can formulate your next sentence comfortably as you deliver this one. Take a second or three before responding to anything to prepare – they’ll give it to you, or they’re actually more socially awkward than you.

        17. Wrong. Stare at her tits, compliment her eyes, and then ask a bunch of questions meant to provoke a response.
          You do not need to disguise your attraction to women. Women like that. When women complain publicly that men “look at me like a piece of meat constantly” what they’re really saying is “hey other women, men look at me more than they look at you.”
          If you openly look at a woman and then slyly smile at her, and get an actively negative response, simply walk away and introduce yourself to the next girl.

        18. Does that sound like the dude’s speed that was asking? He’s just trying to get up the nerve to talk. If he stares at her he’ll look creepy bro

      2. Just realize she’s a normal person. Don’t put her on some pedestal. She’s not your superior. Once you realise that everyone’s just another human being, you’ll get past the “your majesty” feeling and be good to go. If you’re shaking because you think she’s judging you or will reject you, here’s a test: why should you care about what this one person that has done absolutely nothing for you thinks?

    1. Desperation only works when it’s incongruent. If a guy who can clearly have any girl in the room and doesn’t give a fuck says, in his laid-back and flippant way, “I have to have you or I’ll die,” she’ll laugh and her panties will moisten. This happens because the words are counterbalanced by his demeanor – he clearly doesn’t need her, and by making reference to the thirst he underscores how he’s the only non-thirsty guy she can think of.

  2. One easy way to sexualize a convo is something that Russell Brand, a weapons-grade womanizer, does. Tell her what she is–and say it as though you’re Richard Attenborough describing an animal in a nature documentary.
    For example, she asks if you’re happy. Your response: “It’s a good question. The answer is that it depends. Right now I’m sitting here with a sexually attractive woman, you, wearing an off-the-shoulder green dress and just a bit too much mascara. This woman is also flaunting her most precious assets, the decolletage, because she is undertaking an ancient ritual known as the mating dance. It’s been a good night so far, though it could still crash and burn. Or it could develop into something really stellar.”
    Not only does it sexualize, but it’s a way to slip in a compliment (“a sexually attractive woman, you”) while still maintaining alpha frame.

    1. Beautiful. I’ve never actually tried that before. That is so freaking on point. Well done.

      1. “Very James Bond. I could see this working under the right circumstances”
        If the woman one is saying that to a has the same intelligence / demeanor as one might see in a Bond movie, then I’d say yes. But Bond girls have always been unrealistic in terms of the popular blend of beauty and high intellect as portrayed. Today’s females have worms in their heads and that elaborated response to “Are you happy?” would be lost in the abyss of Cupcake’s ADHD.
        And speaking of James Bond – RIP Sir Roger Moore.

        1. Nah I think you’re reading into it way too much. It’s all about presentation and timing. Laying down some smack like that with a straight face has all the elements of cocky and confident you need to make panties drop. Most of the advice given here is like fishing lures to add to your tackle box. They all work in the hands of the right fisherman under the right circumstances. If you’re spending your time talking to low IQ, low impulse women with ADHD you probably aren’t going to have much luck with this approach, or any for that matter.
          Happy hunting.

        2. ” If you’re spending your time talking to low IQ, low impulse women with ADHD you probably aren’t going to have much luck with”
          Those are the only women that exist today.

        3. Deliver it smoothly and with full eye contact, and if it’s congruent to who you are it will work. Of course, depending on how much brain she has and how much of a slut she is, you may have to tweak it:
          “Good question, let’s have a look at it. I’m sitting here with a smokin’ hottie, wit’ an off-the-shoulder green dress and just a bit too much mascara. Dis bitch flashin’ fat titties, ’cause she know it her best feature and she want some D. Yeah, it’s lookin’ like I’m gonna be a lot happier in twenty minutes when we grab mattress at my place.”

    2. The attention span of the average modern woman is not long enough for that strategy.

      1. “The attention span of the average modern woman is not long enough for that strategy”
        I was thinking the same thing, no disresprect intended to jammyjaybird.

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      3. That’s fucking terrible… Running off at the mouth like a some fedora wearing faggot at a ren faire is a great way to talk yourself out of some ass. Actions, not words.

    3. I usually start with the eyes, then a little flirtatious comment, then rub her arm… You can tell quickly if they appreciate it….

    4. I think its better to keep them on the fence about your attraction. That seems to really interest women..then when you are attracted to be bold.

  3. “When you are having any kind of interaction with a girl you must make it absolutely plain what it is that you want. I’m not saying you should be crude, but even if you go indirect I would advise that she should know through your eye contact body language and vibe that you are a sexual guy and you’re interested in her in that way.”
    Even being crude will work as long as you are good-looking and direct. Just check out the smile on their faces:

    Just don’t do it like this:

    1. I saw him approach 100 women and get turned down each time!!! Obviously this is not working.

  4. Good article. There is one situation where I am definitely friend zoned. The girl is so hot tho, I just like being seen with her. Everyone stares. Maybe it’s about time I escalate and force her to make a decision.

    1. Have you ever thought about using her to make other girls jealous? Nothing will make girls come your way more easily than a little competition.

    2. Trust me from someone who knows. You don’t want to be friends with women. It will fuck you up. If you’ve already been friendzoned it’s basically a lost cause. Best case scenario is you haven’t been friendzoned very long so you can just ghost her for a couple months then make a “second” first impression and show her you’re a man and you want sex. If she turns you down don’t let her put you in the friendzone. Don’t associate with her other than if you meet her on the street. Just say hello and good bye and be on your way. Friendzoning is a one way trip to misery. Personally I wouldn’t waste that much time on her. Next her then ghost her. You don’t need female friends.

      1. agreed, putting up with being friendzoned is no way to exist. It makes you look thirsty, and she loses respect for you with every passing day you put up with it. The exception is girls who you have no sexual interest in (girlfriends of friends or family). Use them to network with.
        Every now and then, my wife will comment that I would never be friends with her when we were first dating. We went to the same church, and I would see her often, but we would either date, or I would have nothing to do with her. Meanwhile, she had 4 or 5 orbiters that would “hang out” with her. I put up with them, and once I gave her the engagement ring, those guys evaporated. Now, I have my wife as a good friend.

      2. Female friends are complicated, I’ll grant you, but well worth it. A female friend, and I mean real friend, as in someone you trust and has proven she can be trusted, will enhance your life. You don’t have to fuck every woman to extract a benefit from her; my mother is a fine woman. I have two female friends who are a priceless resource of information, inspiration, and emotional support. Oh, and they have helped me with game!
        If a man can maintain a non-sexual friend relationship with even one female for anything longer than a few months…then you got real game.
        Fuck the rest; there’s plenty. Keep one quality chick for a friend., Take a shot. Might be worth it.

        1. I think the best situation is someone you were sexually involved with long ago an you have both moved on and are able to be frank with each other in a relative type of way because you understand you are not trying to sleep with each other. Such a person can be a great source of information.

    3. It’s too late, you missed the window (if it was ever open). She’s already made the decision. The only way to climb out of that is to do something drastic: go ghost, get more girls, and ignore her.

  5. Isn’t the chick from the second picture that actress from game of thrones who plays Queen Daenerys?

    1. Yep, Queen Daenerys the Stormborn, First of her name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Protector of the Realm

        1. And she is better looking, she is her body double now but in the first Season when Clarke was a nobody she was nude for real, Now she refuse to do nudity when she become a superstar, she knows fans will burn the studio if they change the actress. Lena Headey also refuse to appear nude, when she had no problem before (300), it´s the old concept of women open their legs for money and fame, once they reach certain level of power they suddenly became prude, Actress are sluts, and yes the casting couch is very real, I´m sure that emilia clarke suck a few dicks to get the role.

        2. 7 at best? Because of small tits? Does it mean, that perfect 10 MUST have large boobs?
          Could you guys here post some perfect 10s (I know it is subjective, but still, just for my imagination)?

        3. I don´t mind small tits, in fact I like small tits, The small tits was not my comment. It´s her face, specially when she smile that I don´t find attractive, in my opinion she have a squirrel face. There are no 10s, but Rosie Mac her body double is close.

  6. Great article as always Troy, as a direct game proponent, i’d say keep it simple and tell her straight at the beginning, “i think your cute, i’m Ryan, and you are?” but the girls these days are getting such over-inflated egos,
    i feel it Impossible to compliment them on their appearance without A)appearing thirsty or B)in-genuine and mediocre…is there a gray area somewhere? …i feel telling a girl “i like your personality” doesn’t telegram sexual interest the same way…

    1. From a woman’s point of view… Yes. If a man makes compliments about my looks
      (“you are so sexy/beautiful in this skirt), it usually appears thirsty and
      lacks imagination. Negging doesn’t always work on me; sometimes it’s fun, but sometimes it is just rude and offensive (f. i. if the man isn’t good looking at all – which is highly subjective, I agree – it makes the situation even worse).
      Walk on the thin ice…
      What works on me: when the compliment is hidden in a neutral sentence and the guy starts immediately speaking about something else.
      (she has beautiful long hair, i. e.)
      Aren’t your girlfriends jealous about your hair?
      I don’t like women with short hair.
      I am not into blonds (if she is a brunette).
      (she is slim and toned)
      What sport are you doing? You seem to be in a good shape.
      (she is curvy)
      Aren’t you afraid of harassment when wearing this dress? Being in your place, I would be.
      And so on.
      If a guy tells me that he likes my personality/company, I don’t take it as an open proof of sexual interest. But still, I take it as a proof of SOME interest, because I assume that people usually don’t express their feelings, they just enjoy the company. But it depends on the person and of course of the context. I can imagine that this could sound like friendzoning to me.

      1. Also a woman and yeah, those are good ways of expressing interest.
        I don’t imagine it’s easy for guys to randomly approach women let alone be direct in a non creepy way so it’s impressive when they can send little sexual vibes. I would imagine some observation first would be needed. If the girl is maintaining a resting bitch face then probably best to avoid her and talk to a girl who looks approachable.
        I don’t understand how negging works, unless the guy doing it is absolutely perfect in looks and personality.

    2. I like to observe my target for a bit, using Level III thinking, like we do in poker. Until I can start to predict what she is probably thinking, I’ll stay put.
      While I am observing, I try to come up with compliments that are unusual, simple, but truthful. You have to make that first impression massive; nothing impresses a girl more than if she believes you took time and creativity to approach her; stroke that ego. Why do you think guys who are 5’s get girls who are 8’s, 9’s?
      If you compliment them on appearance, use something most guys would never try, or shows you understand something about how difficult it is for a woman to look pretty: nails, hair coloring, teeth, even makeup. I opened on a girl complimenting her complexion, cause i could see she had put alot of effort on her makeup. It worked: I got a nice blush response, she forgot her friends, and it was just the two of us for 5 minutes-then we left.
      Be creative, be sincere, be unusual. Be ready for rejection.

    3. Hey baby girl, I’m RhinoRyan, I didn’t catch your name when we weren’t introduced.
      Swear to Bob, it’s a line from the heavens. Use it.

      1. sounds like a killer line brother, I’ll give it a try, ‘baby girl’ is an interesting touch…your calling card or a personal favorite in pickup?

  7. Treat all women as 10’s….you will have much better success with the 5’s-9’s.
    I met a woman online, through gaming, that scored 10’s for me in every single category I care most about, except her body. Not ugly, but overweight due to medical problems. She was working hard on that issue.
    I didn’t care about her body so much, because she was one of the sweetest, sexiest personalities I had ever met online. And, she loves sex! Ha!
    Long distance? Yes. Online sex play? Sure, all negatives. But massive positive energy? Yes!
    I treat her like she’s a 10, I talk to her like she’s a 10, she feels like a 10 when interacting with me. So she responds like a hot, sexy female willing to do whatever I ask of her on live video.
    Point is, when I’m out hunting locally, I don’t worry about the body, as long as it isn’t repulsive, then alright. Approach, interact, make them feel hot and sexy, and you will wind up with a willing woman more often. And in my book willing is more important than some subjective ranking of physical appearance.

  8. I enjoy reading Troy’s articles, not because I am going to go out and pick up women. But there are many useful tips I use to get more sex from my wife. The part about making it plain what you want is applicable to my situation. The game never ends.

    1. I enjoy his articles because he finds some hot instagram bishes to put in the presentation. That girl on the red couch thing, wow.

    1. The Left, as with women, should never be taken at face value on their words.

  9. I find I do this automatically when I’m on vacation. This is because this is the only opportunity I’m going to have to shag her. There are no “dates next week” or some other time. Its now or never. So I go for it, push it, get sexual quick, etc.
    Back home its different because I have all the time in the world. I can scoop a bunch of numbers or work on the same girl over time, in the same place. There are different aspects of game of course. It all depends on your needs at the time.

    1. Creating a sense of urgency at all times is what separates the successful from the unsuccessful. You hang around a self-made millionaire, and you will find they always have multiple irons in the fire, and are constantly stressed about time.

  10. I go upto girls, and whisper in their ear how I think she looks quite nice today, and maybe if I get some free time we can do something interesting…if she’s lucky.

  11. The part about “they like to bask in other men’s approval of their sexual successes” is on point haha, I thoroughly enjoy regaling my married/tied down friends with stories/pics of my escapades. I went out with some coworkers last night and approached a couple of 8’s just to show them who had the biggest sack of the squad.

  12. This makes sense, be up front with them, even though they won’t return the same behavior to you.

  13. Because you’re one of the losers who come to this site because you are so pathetic, you view interacting with the opposite sex as a “game”.

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