Culture

The Strong & Independent Woman Translator

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If there’s anything more adorable than a 2 year old kid’s bare backside, I sure as hell haven’t seen it. One find day while sitting on the couch, a little one that I had grown quite fond of ran in to the living room in nothing but her birthday suit, jumping up and own with a big smile on her face and screeching at the top of her lungs.

“I pooped! I pooped all by myself!”

I immediately ran over, scooped her up, and started dancing around the living room with her in my arms. “Yay Haley! Good girl! All by yourself like a big girl? I’m so proud of you sweetheart!”

The celebration of fecal matter continued as we ran into the bathroom to view the evidence. Sure enough, there it was – floating in all its glory. I didn’t see any toilet paper in the bowl, so I sat her down in the tub. For a good 20 minutes while I was ensuring the Noli N Nali Big Girl Bubble Bath was doing its job, I smiled as she took every toy out of the plastic bin and shared her success.

To the rubber frog: “I pooped!”

To the wind-up shark with goggles: “I pooped!”

To the naked Barbie doll that didn’t quite survive an earlier hair cut: “I pooped!”

To the Dora the Explorer mermaid: “I pooped!”

With each announcement to her plastic friends, I kissed them on the head and explained to them how proud I was of Haley’s big girl accomplishments. I guess your first unassisted poop is a pretty big deal, so I made the most of it and let Haley enjoy the attention.

I personally don’t see what all the hubbub is about, because dropping a choco-dragon in a bowl for immediate disposal seems like it should be rather intuitive.

You see where I’m going with this. Here’s the strong independent woman translator:

I pay my own bills = I pooped!

I have my own apartment = I pooped!

I don’t need a man to buy me stuff = I pooped!

I worked my way through college = I pooped!

I have my own cubicle where I push papers = I pooped!

I always speak my mind = I pooped!

I went to a car lot alone and got a good deal = I pooped!

I had a flat tire, and I called AAA roadside assistance all by myself! = I pooped!

Whenever a strong independent women brags about doing something that a reasonable adult is expected to be doing anyway, don’t say what I say:

“I certainly hope so. Would you like a medal? How about a chest to pin it on?”

Instead, translate it in your mind to “I pooped!” then scoop her up and make a big deal about it. Twirl her around in the air, congratulate her, and let her know that you’re extremely impressed and unbelievably proud of her toddler-brained approach to life. When she brags about it to her plastic friends, kiss them on the head and tell them how amazing she is and how proud you are of her.

Caveat: If she’s fat or unattractive, ignore this advice. Tell her to shut the hell up and get out of your face, then make fun of her until she cries tears of strength. This serves absolutely no purpose, but it sure is entertaining.

But if she’s hot and you want to keep her happy while you’re banging her for a few months, the “I pooped” praise method will go a long way to promoting the decline of society as well as the decline of her panties around her ankles.

I encourage you to give it a try. You’ll hate yourself for it later, but following up with a little asshole game will make the world right again.

Read Next: The Myth of Never Hitting a Woman

41 thoughts on “The Strong & Independent Woman Translator”

  1. “If she’s fat or unattractive, ignore this advice.”
    I was planning on it. There isn’t a strong, independent women who is attractive.

    1. Attractive women know it’s much easier to find a strong man than to pretend to be strong herself.

  2. This post reminds me of our brothers who grew up in a male dominated family. They are usually oblivious to how evil women can be. Not all of them are betas, so it’s really sad to see them realize it when it’s too late. If you know a friend who is like this, bring him to the light.

    1. “Not all of them are betas, so it’s really sad to see them realize it when it’s too late.”
      its sad to see betas realize it late too you bitch.

  3. Today is the first of the month. You can register an account and post it yourself, if you so wish.

  4. ” If she’s fat or unattractive, ignore this advice. Tell her to shut
    the hell up and get out of your face, then make fun of her until she
    cries tears of strength. This serves absolutely no purpose, but it sure
    is entertaining.”
    I don’t get all the hate towards fat or unattractive people. Are they not human beings with hearts too? From my perspective most Americans are over weight and relatively unattractive looking in the sense that most are plain, average, ordinary, nothing to write home about. I go weeks here without seeing anyone who makes my head turn.
    And anyway, a person is only likely to talk about their relative accomplishments with people that are close or at least known to them, such as partners, family members, friends, neighbors, etc. They don’t walk up to complete strangers and start talking about their strengths. And no partner, family member, friend or neighbor is going to make their partner, family member, friend or neighbor cry on purpose.

    1. a friend who won’t tell you the truth even if it hurts and might make you cry, is not a real friend.

      1. And what would that “truth” be? Do you not think fat people know they’re fat? And while I stay in the States I have plenty of fat friends, its America after all, FATNATION. I don’t go around telling them they are obese or trying to make them cry. That is not friendship. The author did not write such in an empathetic and friendly way. He wrote it in a “naa-naa-naa-naa-naa I can make a girl cry” way, as in “Look Ma! I pooped too!”.
        Now I do realize its bravado and in real life he doesn’t have the chutzpa to do that, and is himself, like most American men, plain looking at best. But my question is – why does such sort of posturing about fat people and people who may be only 1 point less than you on the 1-10 scale, make these anonymous bloggers feel good?

        1. Ce n’est pas la bravade. It’s mainly “I don’t want to fuck fat chicks.” Absolutely no one here is saying you should go make fun of fat people. But reproducing with fat people is a bad idea because they make more fat people.

        2. “Absolutely no one here is saying you should go make fun of fat people.”
          That is EXACTLY what the author is saying.
          “I don’t want to fuck fat chicks.”
          Nobody’s forcing you to.

        3. Every day in America, millions of men are forced to fuck fat chicks against their will. So we write articles lamenting this egregious and barbaric practice to repair our troubled souls and offer support to our brothers in chubby arms.
          I, for one, as a fat and bloated disgusting specimen of an individual, enjoy writing these articles. In a sad way, it makes me feel better about myself to tear down those whose transcendent nature and worldly contributions I could never match.
          It’s alone in my dark apartment above a liquor store that I hack away at my keyboard – every click a major chord that I hope will drown out the lonely concerto resounding through my black heart like a troubled sonnet reminding me of the man I’ll never become.
          If only you weren’t here to point out my flaws. If only you’d stop
          menstruating wisdom all over the comments section. If only you could find it in your heart to spare me the embarrassment of being exposed for who and what I really am time and time again.
          If only…

        4. Chill with the hysterics. Stating that you are most likely “plain looking” is not an insult. The vast majority of Americans, and by extension, people in the world, are merely average. You seek to deflect that with hyperbole and descriptive exaggeration such as “disgusting specimen” “dark apartment over liquor store” etc. This is a technique used to deflect from ordinariness, as if ordinariness means scum of the earth, and as if a an online literary deflection would plant the seed of extraordinariness in the minds of readres.
          At the end of the day, you are not a special snowflake, nor am I nor any reader here.

        5. Chill with the hysterics. Stating that you are most likely “plain looking” is not an insult. The vast majority of Americans, and by extension, people in the world, are merely average. You seek to deflect that with hyperbole and descriptive exaggeration such as “disgusting specimen” “dark apartment over liquor store” etc. This is a technique used to deflect from ordinariness, as if ordinariness means scum of the earth, and as if a an online literary deflection would plant the seed of extraordinariness in the minds of readres.
          At the end of the day, you are not a special snowflake, nor am I nor any reader here.

        6. Chill with the hysterics. Stating that you are most likely “plain looking” is not an insult. The vast majority of Americans, and by extension, people in the world, are merely average. You seek to deflect that with hyperbole and descriptive exaggeration such as “disgusting specimen” “dark apartment over liquor store” etc. This is a technique used to deflect from ordinariness, as if ordinariness means scum of the earth, and as if a an online literary deflection would plant the seed of extraordinariness in the minds of readres.
          At the end of the day, you are not a special snowflake, nor am I nor any reader here.

        12. Okay Mr. PC police. I think you’re missing the authors point, and he can correct me if I’m wrong. But I don’t think he really cares about fat people. Basically what he’s saying (exaggerating) is not to give these women attention, period. Whether they’re pretty or ugly. You’re taking what he said too literally. Words (and pretty much everything in life) are always limited (poverty of the stimulus) and because of this, we have to look at everything symbolically (even our experience of something as immediate as color is symbolic and over-determined). Because you’re insiting on the literal definition instead of reading between the lines. Because you’re insisting on using guilt/shame/moral superiority instead of realizing we’re all flawed. Because you’re insisiting on ad hominem arguments instead of challenging his ideas. You’re “sick” and most likely, woman.

  5. too bad typing doesn’t burn a significant amount of calories. if it did, it’s unlikely any of these screeching women would be fat.

  6. “Caveat: If she’s fat or unattractive, ignore this
    advice. Tell her to shut the hell up and get out of your face, then make
    fun of her until she cries tears of strength. This serves absolutely no
    purpose, but it sure is entertaining. ”
    Comedy gold. This is why I come here.

    1. I saw one do some pretty impressive things with a ping-pong ball tied to a scorpion one time in Mexico. She didn’t even charge me.
      Does that count?

  16. Most of my friends will reward their in-potty-training kids with a chocolate after they poop successfully.
    I think when confronted with “strongindependentwoman” behavior in the future, I’ll offer the gal an M&M.

  17. hahahahahaha hell yess ed. i like it a lot. i fully intend on putting this brilliant idea into action. every single miniscule “accomplishment” a woman feels should give her bragging rights translates to “yay daddy i pooped all by myself!!!”. you sir are a genius. you seriously just raised my quality of life by like 20 points.

  19. she will become fat and unattractive eventually so just cut out the middle man and tell the immature cow to shove it.

  22. Good god, could you be anymore pathetic? “I have an erection!” I pooped. “I made an extremely sexist article!” I pooped. “I still cannot form basic sentences!” I… didn’t poop. “I will never date a real girl, but will continue to have sex with my hand and blow-up doll!” I pooped.

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