One thing on every man’s mind as summer approaches is getting a woman back to his place for a bang drink. Women aren’t stupid and they know perfectly well what you’re up to, so the key is to come up with something so unbelievably retarded that it allows her to blame her indiscretions on you. You must give her the excuse she needs to fuel the “one thing just led to another” hamsterbation process. Like Indiana Jones, you must successfully navigate a series of challenges if you hope to reveal the secret revolving door that leads to her Temple of Poon.
Your job is to create that “one thing” that “led to another,” and that one thing can be the Chicktini.
Say you’re a chick and I approach you at the pool (my favorite place to meet girls). I will have already fired up the grill and offered you one of my world-famous organic vegetarian fire-grilled cheese quesadillas as an opener. They taste great for a number of reasons, not the least of which is because they’re neither organic nor vegetarian.
Somewhere during the inevitable conversation about my delicious quesadillas, I’ll mention that I just perfected the Chicktini. I’ll tell you I’d offer you one if they weren’t so hard to make. You’ll be curious and ask me about the ingredients, and I’ll tell you the recipe is a secret blend of vodkas and fresh juices.
You’ll say it sounds “amazing” or “unbelievable” or something equally predictable and trite.
I’ll say I only make them on special occasions or for close friends.
You’ll insist that you’re a friend and that today is a special occasion.
I’ll say that you’re not a real friend until I see your boobs.
You’ll pretend to be offended.
I’ll pretend not to notice.
Inevitably, regardless of whether it’s that night or a week or two later, you’ll bring up the Chicktini and I’ll invite you over to my place. We can only have them at my place because I need my juicer and my kitchen. Again, the Chicktini is a very involved drink and preparing one is a complicated process.
You’ll show up 80% of the time, because flaking on someone who lives in the building isn’t cool.
You’ll watch as I open the freezer and take out a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and two cool-looking bottles I bought from the store which have been filled with mysterious homemade liquids. I’ll grab a large Asian pear out of the fridge, and slice it up for juicing.
I’ll explain the resource and time-intensive process it takes to create just one Chicktini as I begin to prepare it for you.
I’ll juice half of the pear, and set the juice aside. If you’re an absolute retard and have never seen an Asian pear (common) I’ll tell you how rare they are and how I have to comb the city to find them.
I’ll pour 2.5 oz. of fresh pear juice into the tumbler on ice.
I’ll pour in 1.5 oz. of Grey Goose vodka.
I’ll open the first mysterious bottle and have you take a whiff. You’ll love the smell. I’ll tell you how I have to soak the vodka in a perfect blend of natural vanilla and cinnamon sticks and then strain it through angel food cake in order for it to be sweet and crisp.
You’ll be impressed as I pour 3/4 oz. of Thatch’s special-blend vodka into the tumbler.
Next comes the other bottle filled with red liquid. While I’m carefully measuring out 1/3 oz. of the fresh pomegranate juice, I’ll tell you how it takes for-freaking-ever to harvest fresh pomegranate seeds, boil them down, and turn them in to fresh pomegranate juice.
I’ll shake the concoction on ice, pour it into a martini glass, and garnish it with a little sliver of the Asian pear.
OMG you will like, not be able to, like, believe how super amazing it tastes! Kittens and rainbows! You’ll definitely snap a picture and put it on Instagram, Pinterest or Facebook along with the recipe.
– 2.5 oz. fresh Asian pear juice
– 1.5 oz. Grey Goose vodka
– 3/4 oz. Thatch’s super-secret amazing special blend vodka
– 1/3 oz. fresh pomegranate juice
One of three things will happen. There’s a 25% chance I’ll get the bang that night, 50% chance I’ll get the bang within two weeks (75% combined bang rate), and 25% chance I won’t get the bang but you’ll tell every girl in our building how epic the special Chicktini tastes, and what a super-awesome guy I am.
Oh, but I forgot to tell you about the secret ingredient!
The secret ingredient is lies.
There’s no way in hell I’m going through all that work to make a cocktail for a girl. So let’s go over the real recipe.
– 2.5 oz fresh Asian pear juice
– 1.5 oz Grey Goose vodka
– 3/4 oz UV brand whipped cream flavored vodka
– 1/3 oz POM brand pomegranate juice
The key here is to let her see you juice the pear. I hear it’s sexy to watch a man in the kitchen (as long as he doesn’t look like he belongs there), and that makes it plausible in her mind that the other ingredients are fresh too.
Go to the kitchen section of Target or Wal-Mart and buy glass artisan bottles with corks for around $6 each (I got mine from Etsy because sometimes I fag out like that), and pour the POM and UV flavored vodka into them so it looks homemade.
How does the Chicktini really taste?
Like any other over-priced bullshit chick drink you’d buy her at a douchebag bar. There’s absolutely nothing special about it at all. In fact, it’s a tad sweet, and though the POM cuts the sweetness a little, it really does nothing more than turn the drink pink.
Pro tip 1: Taste is regional, so if it’s too sweet for the girls in your neck of the woods, split the pear juice into equal parts pear juice and cheap, dry sparkling wine. The 89 Le Colture NV Fagher Brut is a good choice, and you can pick up a bottle for under $20.
The important thing is that the Chicktini is pink and tastes like candy, so it goes down easy and rapidly. The whole game here is to get her back to your place so she can watch you juice and enjoy a “special” drink that you normally wouldn’t make for anyone else because of the time-intensive recipe.
Pro tip 2: The Chicktini line falls flat in bars (for me, anyway). It works well in day game, but the greatest success is always poolside – most likely because chicks have their bitch shields lowered with a guy who is their neighbor.
Pro tip 3: The Chicktini is a vehicle, not a tool. She knows with 99.9% certainty if she’s going to bang you or not before she even knocks on your door, and the remaining 0.1% is reserved for whether or not you say something stupid to change her mind. The Chicktini carries her to her pre-determined destination; it does not create a bang out of thin air for a gameless schmuck.
Though this particular Chicktini recipe is new for the 2013 summer season, I’ve been pulling this off for the past four summers and it works like a charm. So far, the new Chicktini recipe has been met with great reviews even though I think it tastes woefully predictable and a tad too sweet. I’ve only tested this particular recipe on three girls, but it seems that adding the juicing angle has really increased interest.
If it turns out they actually do serve beer in hell, the Chicktini would be a great addition to the drink menu. Cheers!
Read Next: Juicing: Flash In The Pan Or Growing Lifestyle Movement?
That first image alone reminds me why I hate dealing with drunk girls. No Chicktini for me. If a girl wants a drink at mine, I hope she likes whiskey.
too much work…but sounds tasty
No tuna tunnel is worth that amount of effort.
dude, all you do is buy shit at the store.
Like I said.
Gin makes me sin.
Effort? What are you guys talking about? It requires 3 drinks, one of which you already have at home, and a pear. If you don’t have a juicer that’s another thing, but i’d guess you could skip it and still have success.
However the process could be amended. Before handing her the drink you can restate that it’s only for real friends. I would be interested in seeing that experiment run and see how the numbers break down. Somebody get some grant paperwork started on that.
You could do that with green tea & vanilla extract. Most women will believe anything, if ya play ’em right.
The right cocktail can work wonders. Also, I fucking loved how this was written.
it makes me feel like i’m being seduced by a man.
Jesus dude. So much fucking bullshit to go through, just to get laid.
I mean, if you are a guy who is basically stuck in America, with no way to leave, then okay, I understand that your only option is American women.
But women outside of America? You’d never have to go through such bullshit just to fuck her.
Reading stuff like this makes me extremely thankful I left America and moved to Southeast Asia.
ah yes, South East Asia what a paradise…. it’s easy to get laid if AIDS ridden, flat assed, pan headed thai waitresses are your thing…that’s before we broach the subject of living in nations where abject poverty is ok, and you’re seen as a walking gringo wallet, while you walk about the polluted, chaotic, over populated, cities that make you feel like you feel into a human version of an ants nest…. anyone for chicken feet and pigs hoof salad ?
That still sounds better than DC
Man… Too much work for a chick.
She should be doing this for you, not you doing this for her.
We have to set our frame from the beginning.
I agree with you 100%.
Thirded. But it sounds like a great drink to make with a bunch of one’s male friends.
Nah. Before the bang she ain’t doing shit when her phone is blowing up from the instagram simps. This is a good excuse to get her into your apartment early in the interaction.
This x5.
Instagram, Tinder, Facebook, text messaging…. Let’s Date, Hinge, OKCupid…..
The list of phone apps buzzing her away from you goes on and on. Unless you’re a 6’4″ ripped model-looking dude with major pre-selection, you’ve got to do a little work early on to grab her attention and force her into the attraction zone.
I’m all ears for new angles. This one is quite amusing.
How about you just ask the girl if she wants to toke up, get high, with you in your apartment? Then fuck her cunt. Just make sure you have a camera set up in all your rooms, so that if she falsely accuses you of rape, you can show video proof that it was consensual.
Setting up an anti-rape surveillance op in your apartment isn’t too much effort but mixing a drink is? You lost me on that one.
Leave your laptop open but screen dimmed and cover up the little on light with tape if there is one.
And ta-daa! Anti-rape surveillance
Great work Thatch. This article is funny as hell.
For the bots with zero reading comprehension: It’s not like you’re cleaning the fucking Augean Stables here. You’re juicing one pear and then mixing four things together. Can you do that? I knew you could! Gold star for the day.
This whole process is basically zero effort and it sounds like a lot of fun to sell a girl on a funny experience.
No shit. I’m a bartender, and know how to minimize effort. This is seriously no effort except for the pear thing, which you could do before if you wanted to. But why? The little bit of a show is part of the appeal. Sack up, ya lazy bums.
If you’re too lazy to make this drink, you’re too lazy to run game in the first place.
way too much work…. never mind gay… you sound like someone whose ready for transgender surgery with all that complex kitchen skill.
The real Chicktini involves lots of narcotics.
1.) Earlier in the day, go buy a couple of grams of coke and a little weed… don’t do any yourself, coke is crap for men and weed will make you all woozey and passive. The best thing about drugs is having the will power not to take them, but getting girls high.
2.) Take only 1.3rd gram of the coke with you, enough for 4 small lines. Split it into two tiny packets. Leave all the weed and the rest of the blow at home.
3.) Meet her for drinks. Tell her to bring a friend. This will get her off guard.
4.) Order a couple of vodka red bulls to get them pepped and loosened up. Over drinks explain how you’re going to pound her and her friend like it’s the last night on earth before the meteorite hits.They will laugh but subconsciously the program for the evening is in motion.
3.) Split from the bar to some cheap club that you know is pretty lame with a rubbish crowd and poor commercial music and blaa Dj. Say you’ve never been but your girlfriend swears by the place.
4.) Get another couple of drinks into them, dance a bit, and then send them to powder their noses with baggie no#1.
4.) Within 15 minutes, the coke will be wearing off and they’ll be ready for some more. The stuff is moorish like chocolate on Christmas night.
5.) Tell them you left the rest of the stash at home, this club sucks, let’s split. They will come like puppy dogs for a bone.
6.) Get them home and get them real loaded, let them do all the rest of your stash as fast as possible. Within a few minutes they’ll be wired like a pair of stereo speakers.
7.) Now get out the bong, and bring them down with some weed. Make sure you have a huge comfy sofa to chill on and some sex toys handy.
8.) Offer them a massage and take it from there… soon they will be licking each other out, while you explore their rectums.
Ah, haha….oh, ok, buddy.
Juicing a pear is too complicated but 8 venue changes, a call to 1 maybe 2 drug dealers, 47 mentions of your out of town gf, and an attempt at a 3 some is a walk in the park…
time for him to get a new posting name lol
Is this the rapper Rick Ross? sheaintevenknoit.
…are you fucking we-todd-did? For all that coke, booze, weed, taxi’s, cover-charges, and tippy-toe’ing on the jagged edge of several felonies, you could just order a hooker….this shit ain’t rocket science.
haha you did this once and this is “the way”? its way too expensive, time consuming and also expensive. expecially for something you admit was a freak occurrence.
dont get me wrong i swear by blow if you wanna like pick up a broad or two at a party or something. the coke did like 90% of the work here. all that other shit was just extra.
all you had to do was be like “hey you wanna suck some cocaine off my penis?”
“The secret ingredient is lies.”
I’d rather give her a Flaming Moe…the secret ingredient is cough syrup.
Love that episode.
What the hell is in that girl’s back? It looks like her spine is dying to come out
FUCK yes….juicer, bullshit artisan bottles, these is the kind of bullshit window dressings that really gives a standard dude “amazing guy” status in the eyes of the North American Double-breasted Splittail…done and done.
Pij, pij maleńka!!! Będziejsz łatwiejsza!!!
My Polish is not so strong, but I believe this is an old saying there: “Drink, drink a little!! You will be pretty!”
Kurwa!!!! It should have been “będziesz” (keystroke error). It is slang for “Drink, drink baby!!! You will be easier!!!” 😉 “Maleńka” literally means “tiny.” “Tiny” as in what some in the U.S. refer to women as “shorty.” I’ll be leaving for Poland this Wednesday. It’ll be my fifth trip to Poland in the last 2.5 years. I go for 3 to 4 weeks at a time. Polish chicks really do ROCK!!!
I like the glass bottles with corks. Organic hippie shit is all the rage these days, and this will make her think I aspire to be a Romanian peasant farmer, out growing produce in the rich natural soil, picking it by hand, boiling it up in a beat-up copper kettle over a wood fire outside my thatched hut, listening to birdsong. It adds …ambience. The drink must be good, if I keep the secret ingredients in such quaint, rare, special bottles, eh?
There are only two kinds of men who think a little showmanship like this is ‘beta’ or ‘too much work’:
Men who are so in-demand that they have never heard of the manosphere,
or
Internet tough guys who are trying to be the AMOG
(Ascii Male Of bloG)
Zing!
And the Ascii Male Of bloG thing — pure genius.
Got a question about the pears, Thatch: by juicing them, do you mean running the big juice machine, doing the chop/simmer/strain thing, blending the flesh in a blender, or what?
LOL. You should write for Cracked, Thatch. Too bad their audience is a bit beta…
I suppose then, that the biggest beta losers are the guys who become musicians and score lots of tail.
What dorks! Real alphas can reject hotties from the comfort of their mother’s basement. Only a total tool becomes a skilled musician to get laid.
The greatest ingredient is LIES.
LMAO. I loved it.