In 2005, I had no semblance of “game” and had only been with a handful of girls. This included the one I had just broken up with, a terrible choice of a girlfriend who was an ex-stripper and ended up cheating on me. As an already avid drinker, I escalated things and would charge out at nights, drink very hard, and try to basically bang anything. And anything I did.
Living with my buddy who had game was helpful, as we’d go out and he would make me approach girls. Also living in one of the sluttiest cities in America did not hurt either. Anyway, usually after my second Long Island iced tea I’d start approaching on my own. I would keep drinking all night, penning my then nickname of the “suicide bomber” as in the process of taking myself out I’d take down any girl around me. To say my quality varied wildly is an understatement. I banged average girls, I banged chubsters, I banged a legit 8, and even a girl with a great body but askew face.
One quick side note: despite the fact that I’ve always had a distaste for fat girls, back then I was more concerned with just quantity of notches than anything else. The idea that I could go out and come home with a girl was so new to me, that it trumped any quality control I would try to implement. So while I hate to admit it, at times I delved into the underbelly of society while under the influence of an abundance of alcohol.
Eventually my buddy started hooking up with a cute girl who had a big social circle of slutty friends, of which I dabbled into two and one…well…led to this story.
The Joker
The first one I ended up banging was actually pretty cute. She was 6’1 and had monstrous fake breasts that were buoyant enough to float a sinking elephant, but cute nonetheless. Unfortunately, every time we’d have sex she would just stare at me and smile nonstop. I’m talking the biggest shit eating grin you’ve ever seen, and for no reason whatsoever. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and stopped seeing her, solely because she reminded me of the Joker and it freaked me out. But she wasn’t the worst bang of my life. Actually, this really has nothing to do with the main point of this story. I’m just trying to soften the blow I’m about to share with all of you by citing to at least one decent pull that year. It was actually her friend. The one that my buddy to this day — 8 years later — still reminds me of. I am referring to…
The Seven Layer Burrito
I remember it was cold that night. Because of the cold, I had made some chili in the crockpot for dinner and there were a lot of leftovers. I also remember my buddy and I taking several shots of vodka before heading to our favorite bar to pick up girls. I remember ordering our standard Long Island iced teas, and then ordering another one after finishing the initial one. Then it gets foggy.
At some point, after likely striking out with the clientele of the bar, my buddy’s girl came over with this other friend. To paint a good picture, imagine a indisputably fat girl with curly hair, tall, pale and annoying as hell. Now add another 30 pounds to that and give her red hair, and you have this girl. We all started drinking together, and eventually after a few minutes of massaging her backfat rolls we started making out. We left hand in hand from the bar, in plain view of all the patrons. I do not remember this, but of course my buddy was more than willing to share these details with me the next day. However, this was not the worst part of the story.
We all took a cab back to our apartment, where my lover for the night decided to first attack the crockpot of chili. She ate the ENTIRE thing before waddling her way into my room. Sadly this part I remember because of how traumatic/surprising it was. Even more sad is that I followed her into that room. However, this was not the worst part of the story.
Once inside we started to go at it. Thankfully, I was so drunk that I only remember snippets of the fornication, saving my mind from irrevocable damage. Her breath smelled like chili. Like Magellan, I had to navigate the waves of her body to find the orifice by which to copulate. And for some reason, she demanded I punch her in the face during the act. She also demanded that she be choked. So there she was, this rotund mass of a girl resembling the worst version of Pippi Longstocking you can imagine — if you can imagine her with elephantitis of the body — with a belly full of chili asking for violent acts to be performed against her for purposes of reaching orgasm. However, this was not the worst part of the story.
We fell asleep and the next morning I snuck out early to walk my dog. When I got back she finally came out of my room. My buddy was already on the couch with his girl, watching the debacle come to a conclusion. She slowly and steadily lowered her massive self to the floor, and started rolling around the carpeted flooring with my dog. As I stared at this sight, now sober, I felt great shame for the first time in a long while. I looked over at my buddy, and he was now mimicking the Joker of the story above, smiling incessantly. I knew I would never live this down, and so did he.
And then it happened. Growing tired of the three minutes of physical activity with my dog, she grabbed onto the dining table to help elevate her gravity-challenged self to a standing position. Upon accomplishing this feat, she…with all sincerity…presented the following question:
I could really use a seven layer burrito right now. Mmmmmm…does anyone else want to come with me to Taco Bell? Who wants to go to Taco Bell?!?
This was the worst part of the story. Perhaps she lost the genetic lottery and was ugly. Perhaps she was wasted and that led to her desire to down the crockpot of chili. Perhaps she was abused and had some mental issues leading to the aggressive requests for rough sex. But that next morning, after no longer being drunk, and having just ate a quart of fucking chili the night before, she still had not only the desire but the utter lack of shame to outwardly state her ridiculous need for a fast food burrito. A part of me died that morning. I hated myself. Not only did I degrade my own self worth, but I validated hers.
Conclusion
That was eight years ago. Yet a few times a year, even now, my buddy reminds me of the Seven Layer Burrito girl. Partly to give me shit, but also partly to show how far I’ve come. If you have been reading ROK and/or Roosh’s blog, you know that I’ve had some crazy success this year. But as with any student of the game, it was not always like this.
In the winter of 2010 before a trip to Colombia I googled “Medellin sluts” and that let me to the forum, which changed my life drastically and for the better. I’ve never hit such a low again in my life, and every year my percentages of “unmentionables” decreased significantly to now being nonexistent.
I really wish that I could take that one back…a mulligan if you will. But I can’t. Hopefully, however, this story can at least show you how low one can start. And it was pretty damn low.
Read Next: How Can I Go Back?
Sounds like your primary point of shame is not that she was fat, but that she liked Taco Bell.
Definitely a first world problem
No, it’s the fact that she was a complete worthless gluttonous piece of human garbage with no shame whatsoever.
Well, she did demand to be beaten up during sex.
Hahaha!
Its exclusively an American thang. Lived all over the world and never heard of this depravity until Americans expressed glee over it. Bizarro.
Make that “FAT American thang”
Only by hitting bottom can you be ready to experience the top.
Yep, like hitting a 48 year old neighbor… then bragging about it… while your sister films… then uploading it to youtube.
Even that wouldn’t be as bad as this loser. Some 48 years olds may be slim and still acceptable looking and you can even see that they were once good looking but this guy shagged a tranny.
I was waiting for the part where she farts real loudly and odiferously, after eating his chilli, then suggests she would appreciate an anal massage to help with the digestion…
Bravo!
Rock bottom is a solid foundation to build on.
Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, my friend. Happens to the best of us. My own list of similar disasters is embarrassingly long. Fortunately, time taught me the value of sober game (or almost sober game) and keeping control. Beer goggles may make a pig look like a princess, but they’re of no use whatsoever next day when you look in the mirror.
Sure they are, just remind yourself of how empty your balls wouldn’t be if not for the services of the fatty.
I need 2 hours of digestion after eating before even thinking about sex. And I’m not an overeater. I can’t imagine having chili and booze in my stomach and then feeling horny.
Daniel Tosh just came to mind while reading this, “You have to bang a 4 once in your life to really appreciate an 8”
Could have been worse. At least she didn’t throw up on you during the act. See? There’s always a silver lining.
Or shat all over the place? I thought that’s where the story was going. Can ALWAYS be worse.
Or the girl in McQueen’s RVForum post about his ‘drunk in public’ arrest — who shat on him during sex!
Come on LD…. Everyone has to bang a fattie once in their lives, it’s an initiation, a rite of passage… like the guys in boot camp crawling through the mud.
I deliberately went out and found the most grotesque land whale i could find… it was quite an experience…. definitely one I will remember… she really tried hard in bed too…. but after a while i couldn’t get it up for her….. she was that ugly… yellow teeth and all…. then she got offended and started asking for money…. then i got offended and left….
I thought I held the Wolf Trophy for the fatty bang…. but you have taken my crown amigo… own your experiences they are what make you a man… and a KING !
I’ve shagged a couple of 150 pounders in my life but they were mostly just big titted females of the Anna Nicole type so it wasn’t too bad and when young are still pretty firm all over.
Come to think of it that’s probably a slim or normal weight girl by Gen X and Y standards.
He didn’t tell you that when he checked his bathroom later he could see where all of the burritos went. It wasn’t a pretty sight, fat girl with diarrhoea
Yeah, been there too.
People who have failed talk about their successes while people who have succeeded talk about their failures.
That’s actually pretty deep. Is that originally from a book or something, I’d like to get it on amazon
I missed a Strava KOM today in the last 75 frickin’ yards because the online map mismarked the end point of the segment and I let up too early.
Now, unless we get a bit of an Indian Summer with fair winds I may have to spend the whole winter looking at the Big Board telling me that I’m No. 2.
And I certainly feel like it.
Jesus, I knew that leftover chili was getting eaten at some point. That’s rough, man. How did you get her out of the apartment?
Probably gave her enough money to buy two….
We all gotta start somewhere.
He who doesn’t learn from his mistakes is doomed to repeat them.
Wonder if she never requested the burrito would it have shaken you enough to draw a line?
Unbelievable. You must’ve been one horny dude haha. F’n hilarious.
Damn. 7-layers of shame. Sorry man. Good lesson. And, good reason not to overdo it. Blame it on the a-a-alcohol.
Don’t lament — banging out hood rats is a part of life. Blame the alcohol, not yourself.
Don’t berate yourself too much.
All our choices are 1/2 chance.
Look on the bright side:
—>> You can’t fall off the floor.
I see fair grounds for a rape accusation on your part
Although that’s intended as satire of the Jezebellies, it’s all to real a threat nowadays, sadly
Thanks to whiskey dick I’ve dodged a few burrito girls. There are 3 or 4 who my beer goggles told me was hot enough to bang and we were on that path, but when I realized my equipment wouldn’t be working that night I veered off.
When I read Seven Layer Burrito, I was expecting there to be some part of the story about you finding shit in her fat rolls or her pussy being a giant mess or some combination thereof. The real ending of the story was surprisingly jolly!
He claims not to remember most of the gory details of what went on in that bedroom… note how he avoids mentioning what the it looked like later when he found his dog licking the sheets.
Yeah, we’ve all done it.
The worst one I did the deed with I had to ask if I could do it with the light off. She got upset and said “Do you think I’m ugly?”.
I had to tell her that she as fine but the light bulb was burning my ass …
Dont be too hard on yourself. It could have been worse.
You could have tapped Mint Chocolate Chip.
My worst lay I was a victim of spanx. The girl looked just fine in the bar, just a hair of the heavy side but not fat looking. We hooked up on the dance floor and I took her back to mine. One thing comes to another and she is says “hold on I’ll take it off it’s complicated”. I’m thinking “what kind of contraption connection is on her bra”. But that was not it she was peeling of spanx. All the sudden she went from being a hair too fat to a hair almost not bangable. It was like adding two basketballs to her hips and thighs. Her face was fine though so I went ahead with the deed.
Thing about fat women is they are the most accommodating in bed. They will give you access to every hole and swallow your big load without one bit of complaining.
But, yeah guys, watch out for the spanx.
So you got lucky for once lol You must be a kid because no girdle or spanx is going to make a fatty look normal.
This is a truly disturbing story!
I had such an initiation as well. I think it is a required rite of passage. Mine is affectionately known as “War pig” and looks pretty much like you would expect a pig someone would ride into battle to look like I remember the tired aching back and chest muscles the next morning from hoisting this thing up on my petard. I remember taking a LONG ass shower to try to dislodge the odor it spread about my person. And I remember thinking “Thank GOD for alcohol and Viagra!” when I was able to rise to the occassion while desperately recalling better bangs in order to rise to THIS occassion. Beauty *is* only a light switch away BUT when its handles feel like you are grabbing a giant fistful of cookie dough… problem.
And the thing of it is this was better and hotter than my ex-wife is now….
Welcome to the club
This sounds like a Charles Bukowski epic.
“The night the 300-lb. whore came in I was ready . . .”
The breakfast burrito though, in the southwest it’s The King.
Many times I have gone into a workplace toilet mid-morning and it looks like someone blasted breakfast burrito out of a gunnite hose.
This article was hilarious throughout the entire seven layer burrito phase. You made it with a fatty, I know plenty who have done or been through worse. Great anicdote. Once it‘s your mistake, twice and your just asking for a fatty.
I have not met a man who can honestly say that he’s never plugged a behemoth before. I HAVE, however, met several who would try to convince me otherwise. This only makes the ball-busting that much harder after the act is caught. But Roosh makes a great point in the comments – you can learn a lot about yourself from hitting rock bottom, and like motherfucking Batman, we sometimes need to fall so we can pick ourselves back up. Furthermore, making a little game out of it can make learning fun!
Back in my college days, if we collectively struck out for a long enough period of time (which was often; none of us were particularly good at closing at age 21), we’d get a few drinks in and call it a “contest” night. To start off, the contest should be focused towards desperate and hungry women who may very well grab your cock before you even have a chance to grab your OWN drink. So typically, round one would be a Biggest Panties contest. Simple rules: 1: No cockblocks of any kind. 2: Failure to procure whale underwear for Saturday/Sunday morning proof resulted in immediate forfeit. 3: Repeat customers will be punched/no double taps.
This kind of stunt was good for a laugh the few times it happened, and if any confidence was yet shaken, we’d move on to round 2: Old Maid. Same rules as Biggest Panties, but instead of elephant shit-guards, we were looking to procure some form of proof or convincing evidence of oldest age. The last time I recall this adventure, there were solid signs that myself and most of the boys had reclaimed our mojo, as at ages 21-23, most of the pulls topped out at age 29-30. Except for one poor sumbitch, who really bought into the idea of the contest if not the spirit and brought home a 49 year old.
After a couple of weekends of this kind of horseplay, even an average gentleman is usually able to pick himself back up and put his game smile back on for women worth more than 7 minutes of our time.
Solid memories. I wouldn’t go back to that well, but it was fun while it lasted.
LD, it’s stories like this that makes us all cheer to on to the next Russian or Ukrainian 9. You deserve them. Good tale.
Hilarious
I have banged a fat chick one time in my life. That was in my 20’s.
I was very drunk, very horny, and very desperate. I met her at a bar and ended up at her place. I banged the hell out of her and she loved it.
But, I have to say, when we woke up in the morning with our hangovers, I found her to be a really nice and charming person. I could tell that she was literally grateful that I banged her the night before. She was fat, but had a cute face at least. Which, combined with her being so nice, made me actually like her. I enjoyed spending part of the morning talking to her and having coffee.
So, I married her.
Just kidding!
Anyway, I left her place about noon (I couldn’t bring myself to bang her again in daylight). I remember thinking that life’s genetic sweepstakes simply were not fair. I wished that this fat girl could somehow become thin and beautiful. She deserved to be. And she was quite a lot different from many of the hot women I banged before and after – most of whom thought the world owed them everything. This fat girl didn’t think the world owed her anything and was grateful to be fucked hard by a decent looking guy.
She insisted I take her phone number and said she hoped I would call. My ego and pride took over after I left and of course I never saw her again. But I still think of her from time to time, even all these years later. That memory makes me despise the entitled cunts with attitudes that are nothing more than cum buckets all the more.
“That memory makes me despise the entitled cunts with attitudes that are nothing more than cum buckets all the more.”
But it doesn’t make you despise yourself?
“But it doesn’t make you despise yourself?”
For not drilling that nice girl skinny.
This is incredibly disturbing, I’m sick to my stomach. You will probably get nauseated and creeped out every time you eat chili till the day you die because of this.
Heck , I think even I’LL be nauseated and creeped out by chili for the rest of my life..
The song of the article.
“You hear what I’m sayin’?
People too picky these days, damnit!
Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny.
Have a couple drinks and quit discriminatin’ “
i just puked a little in my mouth
i just puked a little in my mouth
What a bunch of losers. Good lord.
I can’t imagined how traumatized that woman must be every time she thinks back on having spent an evening with you.
That is a tale for the ages, one that should be passed on from father to son when Dad gets around to having “the Talk” with his offspring.
The only other story that I’ve encountered that even comes close is this one.
I cannot thank enough for making me discover this. I hadn’t laughed that much in a while!
“In the winter of 2010 before a trip to Colombia I googled “Medellin sluts” ”
Bizarre.
Sounds like you’re just a loser. First with the 6’1′ tranny who was smiling because you didn’t know it was a guy.And 2nd with the fatty who thought she was hot and just taking pity on your miserable arse.
I am reminded of Robert Duvall’s character in “Jack Reacher”, who when asked by Jack Reacher if he’s allowed any ranging shots, gives Jack “his Mulligan”, a single cartridge.
Maybe you needed that one Mulligan to let you know how to hit the target.
Roosh seems to like sniper game as well — perhaps that Mulligan got him on target.
However, please keep in mind that people who are not Camp Perry “graduates” usually need more than one …
Chicken shit deleted my comment. You guys are all a bunch of losers. It’s a shock ANY woman would bang any of you.
You really need to rework the ending of that story. It reads as if you would react the same way if a cute and petite young thing walked out of your bedroom in the morning and made the same request. It was like all those other things were bad, but the one truly unforgivable thing was that she liked Taco Bell. It really deflated the point.
Wise man once said to me, “Fat chicks are like mopeds. A fun ride, until your friends catch you on one.”
Like everyone else here said, happens to all of us. Hell, I’m starting to think going hoggin’ once is a rite of passage.
Amazing, gross, but funny story. I have a story for you. It’s not about the worst bang of my life. It’s about these pathetic guys who post about the worst bangs of their lives. They post this kind of stuff because they have such a hard time getting any, And they can’t get any because, basically, they despise women.
You deserve this for being an alcoholic.
“My buddy was already on the couch […] watching the debacle come to a conclusion” hahahaha sorry but I laughed sooooo much….this story is EPIC :-))
I’m gay
I love gay people
The fact that you’re a misogynistic fuckface (and you definitely are) does not make this any less hilarious.
I disagree with pretty much everything you stand for, but this story is brilliant.
totally agree with the fuck a 4 to appreciate an 8, Ive had my fair share one thing I noticed is they put in extra effort to please you but you have to think of someone else while having sex with them.
I placed an add once on craigslist and I assumed id find a fat one, but I was surprised she was quite hot
I fucked a fat chick once, and still have PTSD from the incident. I was young and desperate, and I would have banged anything. We met in a bar, and she was obviously a slut – I knew a couple of other guys who had banged her, and she dressed and acted like a slut. She started talking to me, and we started making out. She let me feel her up right there in public, so I thought “man this chick is freaky and will probably let me do freaky things.” So I took her home that night.
I will admit that I had fun playing with her big tits – I squeezed them, sucked on them, motorboated, but other than that, it was just fucking gross. I had to lift up her fat stomach just to get access to her pussy, and while I was fucking her, she was just sweating bullets and starting to really stink. It was around her stomach and pussy that I could tell really stank – I don’t know if it was something about not being able to clean herself properly because of the huge fat flap or just having fucked too many guys, but the smell was pretty pungent, especially combined with the sweat. After we were done, she wanted me to eat her out, and I almost threw up just at the thought. I just got on top of her and fucked her again, hard, in the hopes of just wearing her out so she would fall asleep. It worked, thankfully.
I had to stare at or be touching her tits the entire time just to stay aroused. I had to specifically be looking there, because everything else on her body – the stomach rolls, neck rolls, double chin, jiggling arms, cottage cheese thighs – was just a boner killer Finally, I just shut my eyes and fantasized that I was fucking Scarlett Johannson.
After it was over, I promised myself I would never fuck a fatty again. If you ever want to do it just to see what it’s like, just have some bleach on hand so you can wash off your dick afterwards to get rid of her smell.
Press charges for rape.
I was waiting for you to say she farted herself to death. Gave me gas just to read about the pot of chili.
I thought at first that, because of the chili, you had your first experience with scatophilia against your will. So I guess it turned out better than I had imagined.