Every Man Needs A Friendly Neighborhood Bar

You will go to the nightclubs.

You will go to the hotspots.

You will spend hours at a salsa club.

And you will spend years chasing tail in loud “Oomp-chicka-oomp” establishments.

However, like every man you will age and the novelty of the chase will wear off. You will look at the hassle and pain of parking, paying for parking, waiting in line, paying covers, and screaming over loud music to disinterested girls in the hopes your game can pierce this incredibly hostile environment, and say, “fuck this.”  You will also start to add up all of your “successes” and realize most of the women you picked up, even the lays, were not worth the price you paid in terms of time, money, labor and sanity. And so instead of thinking of “what could be” you start to think in terms “opportunity cost.”

Yeah, you could go chase Bambi at Sluts’n’Butz, but you could also just enjoy some really quality scotch you could never afford otherwise.

Yeah, you could take out Madison the Perpetual Social Work Masters Candidate, but you could finish programming that website for your new company.

And yes, you could masterfully approach 10 different girls in a night, but it would be nice instead to just sit and enjoy a pint while watching the game.

Welcome to the next stage in your life, son. The novelty of being a player has worn off, and you are now on your way to becoming an extraordinary gentleman. There’s nothing wrong with this.  It doesn’t mean you’re no longer a player (you will always be able to play the game).  But you are maturing and more importantly, starting to value your time and your life more than just another harlot you had to tell pretty lies to so you may bang her whilst suffering her mindless blathering. This is the stage in life where you contemplate hobbies, living life, traveling around the world, learning a new language, writing that book, and all other endeavors that fall under “pursuing your dreams.” And you’ll quickly realize just what a waste hanging out at all those loud nightclubs is rapidly becoming.

But before you book your flight to Thailand, may I suggest a vital and necessary component to enjoying this next stage in life?

Find yourself a friendly neighborhood bar.

Your friendly neighborhood bar is precisely that—YOUR friendly neighborhood bar. Not that you own it, but it is a place you regularly go to, and in doing so establish a social ownership of sorts or allegiance to that place. You become a “regular” and in doing so gain many ancillary benefits, certainly more benefits than going to another discotheque. But before you just pick any random bar, you have to ensure you pick the right one.

One, make sure it’s within walking distance. DUI’s and DWI’s are an all-too-common problem that plague men. Every guy loves to get hammered every once in a while, but it just takes that tail-light to be out or a crack in a windshield and Officer Trumpedupcharges can ruin your finances for half a year, jack up your insurance, and put a huge dent in your career. If the bar is within walking distance, not only are you saving money on gas, but you are also sparing yourself a DWI that will pay for all of your drinks for the rest of your life.

Two, in being within walking distance the bar is also by default within your neighborhood. This is important in that pubs are still the source of information, rumor, and gossip. Not that you care about gossip like women do in People Magazine, but it’s always good to have your ear to the ground in the town you live. Property taxes, which cops to look out for, which women to avoid so you don’t shit in your own yard, etc.  You’ll learn more about your town from the bar than you will the local crappy newspaper.

Three, quality customers. There was a bar I had to walk past in Wyoming everyday en route to work. “The Century Club.” Even though it was 7:45 AM, you could peer into the bar and see it full of people. The sad thing is that this was Buffalo, Wyoming and there were no 24-hour mines or factories which would rationalize having the nightshift drinking “after their shift ended.”  Nope, just 100% grade-A alcoholics!

Not the type of people you want in YOUR friendly neighborhood bar.

No, you want to find a nice bar. A pub. Even something pushing a “gentleman’s club,” but not so fancy it starts to move into “posh night club” or “country club” territory. I have a preference for Irish pubs and cigar lounges, but the key thing is that you are not going to find the cheapest place. You need to pay a premium for your drinks and your food because in doing so you will also have premium people in the bar. This is important because over time you will establish a rapport with these individuals, and if you live in the town long enough, they will become your surrogate family. It will also guarantee higher-quality conversation with said patrons, not to mention potentially lead to business dealings, social activities, and other fringe benefits.

Four, quality bartenders. Good bartenders don’t just know how to pour a Guinness with decent head or know that a Gibson has pearl onions in it. They are also good listeners. Not that you abuse them as your personal therapist, but a near-daily visit to your friendly neighborhood bartender is a good psychological release where you can tell him your problems and he his. Also, in having a regular bartender (and assuming you tip very well) they are more prone to “oops!” accidentally pour you a double Rumpie when you, in a very honest and Christian manner, insist on a single.  They are also prone to give you food somebody returned, not to mention “sample the new beer they just got.” Take the money you’d normally pay for parking while chasing Tilly McDitz and tip the bar staff generously.

Finally, atmosphere. Somewhat related to going with a higher class bar, you need the bar to be comfortable, warm, and inviting.  Comfortable chairs (cigar lounges are great for this), tasteful decorations on the wall, a nice oak bar top, and above all else MUSIC THAT IS NOT LOUD NOR OBNOXIOUS. This is your home away from home. Your quiet office. Your personal den. Your happy place of zen. You should be able to have a normal conversation without yelling over music or people, just as you could break out a laptop and do some work undisturbed.

Naturally, to find a bar with all these qualities is difficult. However, the friendly neighborhood bar will play such an important underlying role in your life that I strongly advocate you only rent or buy lodging within walking distance of such a bar. The benefits are often unappreciated and rarely realized.

Read More: Why I Moved From Toronto To Montreal

58 thoughts on “Every Man Needs A Friendly Neighborhood Bar”

  1. Bars have become a toxic, boob gazzing, exessive drinking spots where men just come out to talk about sports or how shitty their lives are. Real discussions can NEVER happen in bars because on the minute a woman shows up it becomes a mecca for PUA antics. No…. i rather go to the library at least there my intellect can expand

    1. Furthermore, any white knights are the bane of a solid night out. I’ve had plenty of wingmans, many of them solid 7-10s in the looks department. The minute one of these closet fruit-cup betas locks-in some snap, it’s lights out.
      Now that I think about it, many of these dudes were outright alphas when hanging out with only men – they were fist fighters, aggressive athletes, etc. But their circuits simply tilt into mommy’s little spaz-boys when tit shows up. The other women notice this too – it’s like a chink in the armor. They gain control, thus losing attraction and respect.
      Predictably, these poor guys rarely dragged anything home with them.
      It was the hard alphas leaning against the back wall with the single malts that attracted the championship-level hotties. I purposely chose to hang with these guys that demonstrated composure when snap walked in. Ignored them, basically. I guess it also depends on how desperate you are, and what you are fishing for.

    2. Do what I do, hang out in an upscale lounge catering to an older crowd (25+) by yourself and relax by reading and listening to live music. The kind of place where the drinks are double or where you would go to meet a sugar baby but never take a date, on account of the prices. Women of all stripes will sit next to you and hope that you chat them up. Do whatever you want. I often ignore them and turn on the iPad stopwatch to see how long it takes until they realize you aren’t looking to talk to them and then walk off in a huff or say something obnoxious. Amuses me but I’m simple that way.

    1. Lolwut. Starf*cks is named after a gay pirate, and is one of the most supportive companies of gay “marriage”, actively spewing out their pro-lbgt propaganda to its consumers…and gives the middle finger to anyone who views it for what it is – unnatural.
      Besides, whenever I pass by one of those establishments, I typically see nothing but btches absorbed into their Apple devices, with hipsterfag-pyjamaboy-obamacare-poster lookalikes…the place must be nearly full of Tumblr users…ick..

  2. Love this article. I’m in my mid thirties, and by the way, I’ve had as much fun in my half decade of thirties than the craziness that is a man’s twenties. Going to clubs seems so stupid and unnecessary, and it is. You can apply your game anywhere and everywhere. I’ve always had better game when I can converse without deafening music. I write this while sitting on the throne, about an hour away from walking to the nearby pub to order a BLT and a pint. Guaranteed to run into a few friends and at least one girl I’ve fucked. And it’s all okay.

  3. A good bar is worth its weight in gold, not only for relaxation and good times, but also for good game.
    The BIGGEST problem with many uber bars these days is they hire the same obnoxious vapid American females as bartender as most guys would want to game.
    The females lack of understanding and appreciation for manly bar culture is epidemic. They think they’ve earned a tip when you sit down and order your first drink because in their hamster minds they’re so “hot.” They don’t give the extra pour, free drinks, scouting reports, and vital intelligence that an experienced male bartender can provide. My regular guy bartenders remember me and treat me withe respect no matter what my mood and how big of an asshole I’ve been lately. The girls bartenders I know regularly screw up my orders, presume they know what I want without asking, and are generally lifeless, sad, angry and bitchy without cause.
    And don’t even get me started on male bartenders who try to swoop my target right in front of me. That happened once in one bar I frequented. I made sure they knew about it. Guy gone!
    It gotten bad out there. I’ve even seen owners of top-tier clubs and restaurants stand silently by while some young idot gets drunk and out of control. On more than one occassion I’ve had to play bouncer to get the riff raft out MY bar while the bartenders and owners just sit there.
    I’ve had to stop frequenting some of my old regular Cheer’s bars because the management with dicks in their hands thought that hiring hot female bartenders was a way to get men to spend money, rather than realizing that competent bartenders who are a man’s partner-in-crime are more valuable than any wingman. It’s a trend that’s getting worse year by year, and I hope any GM’s out there reading this will realize that guys like me spend a small fortune on the experience of a great scotch at a great bar with great logistics, decor, music, and vibe. You can’t just blow $2 million on a chic remodel and not understand that you cater to MEN first and foremost. Even if you’re a beta bar, understand it’s the guys picking up the tab for the hoes. You better make ’em happy if you want them to keep coming back.
    The bartender in the pic is exactly the kind of guy I want to see behind the bar when I’m out. And he better know how to make a real martini with gin, know the difference between Islay and Speyside, and the difference between a lime wedge and twist.

    1. Or they attract vapid bitches looking to snag an ‘upscale’ guy. All too common with ‘lounges’ in nowadays.

    2. Comment of the thread. You win one internets.
      I have no idea wtf is up with hiring so many females. 95% of them have no idea how to competently pour Scotch neat, let alone handle complex things like a 5 minute Guiness pour (I’m being sarcastic, indicating that they’re idiots who can’t handle child like tasks).
      My local pub has women and men bartenders. The guy who is on shift when I usually go in is in his mid 30’s, competent, quick witted and has the scoop on a lot of valuable info. The chicks are mostly older and used up, which actually isn’t a bad thing insofar as they’re not relying on standing there bouncing their titties to get tips and actually have to put in work to get rewards. There are a couple of pretty young things, but they are useless for anything except the occasional glance. Much prefer men bartenders all said and done.
      Haven’t seen the “hipster” thing going on here much. My biker bar almost got invaded by them once but us actual biker types ended up scaring them out by and large. Hipsters are snarky little betas, I have no idea how they get by in life.

  4. Bars and drinking are pointless here in the USA. Save your money, time and liver for overseas guys. Nothing but cunts and betafags in bars here in the states.

    1. Or live in an area with a high volume of female traffic passing through. I used to live in a student area and on rare occasions you could pull a girl walking by on your way home, if she was up for it. I think logistics is key, seeing as much of game is still dependent on how the girl is feeling at the time.

    2. I stopped going to “the local” when I realised it’d been taken over by hipsterfux and trendyfags by stealth.
      It’s time to leave when you’re weighing the options in metric tonnes rather than whether some chick is a seven or better …

    3. The point flew right over your head.
      Cap is suggesting you look for and maintain a male hangout. Some place where the damned ferns are dead. Chicks are not relevant here.

      1. Just buy a damn kegmeister and build a bar in your garage or basement.
        Accomplishes the same thing and Im not throwing $5 away for a 75 cent beer.

  5. If you live walking distance from a brewery then you are set. A brew-pub almost always hits every mark on this list. Only issue is a lot of breweries don’t have many televisions for you to catch the games on. However, this could be a positive depending on what you want in your atmosphere.

      1. Truth. I live within a few blocks of multiple breweries. Great Divide is only 3 blocks, but I prefer head to Breckenridge’s tasting room (a short bike ride) since there are never any beer snobs present.

  6. I spend my time between Baltimore and DC. Wow, did this article hit home. The difference between the two cities could not be starker. In DC, bars are expensive and a hike, they are loud at best, and the clientele are only interested in what you can do for them (even when hot chicks are out of the equation) and will ignore you otherwise.
    In Balitmore, I can buy a pint of decent beer for less than I get it at the store in a bottle (before tax and generous tip of course), literally around the corner, quiet except for the game on the TV, and everyone is just there to talk and meet people.
    Don’t just look for the right bar. Look for the right city.

    1. I knew my day had gone to absolute shite, even as a tourist, when I saw Lindy West and a few Lindyclones coming out of my “temporary local”.
      I shifted out of that place faster than the jets flying out of the nearby international airport …

  7. Unless it’s a bar serving healthy protein shakes and high quality food I’d say put your valuable efforts and time into something else. Whenever I walk past guys sitting languid at some dive-bar, hopelessness written all over their faces, I can only think of that line from Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross;
    ” Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it’s a tough racket.” (mocks taking another drink from an imaginary glass)

    1. I don’t know, I think Cappy has a point about atmosphere and psychological pressure. Just thinking about the narrative he spun is sort of relaxing all on its own!

  8. Good article. Cool bars as described in Capt C’s article are getting harder and harder to find. Think the biggest threat to “dive bars” or established saloons are fucking hipsters. Hipsters in their never ender quest for all things authentic will invade a once cool place and demand esoteric IPA’S made from Gladiator ball sweat or some such. Best bar town in the USA IMO is New Orleans. Not talking just the French Quarter. NOLA is packed with real pubs and neighborhood joints.

  9. I’ve had a few home bars over the years, and it really is a good thing. I agree that the lowest dive is not the best for one’s local. Personally, I like a bar that has sports on tv with the sound off, and has a jukebox playing, with karaoke some nights.
    I’ve definitely found that if you tip well, the bartenders will start giving you the first drink free. If it would have been a $4 drink plus tip normally, I tip an extra $3 for the free drink. I save money, she pockets a little extra, and you get first class service every time you go in.
    Likewise, I agree that you get to know the community, and pretty soon you figure out the network of locals, people who went to school together, and this guy is married to that guy’s cousin, etc. It’s true about business deals, finding a good mechanic, etc.
    Good article.

    1. As for walking to the bar, I actually recommend finding a walkable strip with several bars, perhaps a place that brings in a lot of bands, a home bar, a cheap dive, a brewpub, wine bar, and a couple of restaurants, all in walking distance from your place. If I’m scouting out a place I might visit or move to, I use google maps and put bars in the search bar, and the slide the map around to look different areas and the zoom in on the local bars strips, and read the reviews.
      Obligatory statement: Don’t drink too much. I’ve found that drinking heavily doesn’t just wear off when the hangover’s gone. The effects of heavy drinking weigh down your health and mood in general. Keep you average number of drinks/week to a reasonable level. However, as long as you keep it under control, having a door bar district within walking distance is major life benefit.

  10. How does one go about looking for places where bars like these might exist? I’ve never seen anything like this and I really want to find one.

  11. OT….but yeah…I am a crazy conspiracy nutter in that I have been saying that there are preparations being made to start another world war underway for 6 years now.
    I guess the PTB are trying to make sure even the dumbest people know there is a war coming now that they are talking about it in the DM.

  12. “Naturally, to find a bar with all these qualities is difficult”
    They are all over the place here in Germany….we have our favourite eateries to go to…all the “bars” in Germany serve good food too.

  13. We gotta bring back the old bartenders from those western movies who pour scotch on the rocks and wear a vest with a wicked stash. Don’t fuck around he’s got a shotgun under the cash register.

    1. This guy looks like one of my last competent male bartenders, albeit a bit younger than this guy. Unfortunately, he left and was replaced by …

  14. Capt. C hit this one out of the park! Being the older, mellowing type who is married to a foreigner, my local bar is my refuge- not from home, but from drinking at home. After she puts my kids to bed, my wife knows enough to bring me scotch if I’m soaking in the tub, beer if I’m in my shop, or brandy if I’m in my chair, but there’s something magical about having a good bar that will stash your own bottle for you so you can enjoy the ambiance, or, at times, just get shitfaced drunk with friends on cheap beer in a safe environment to commiserate after a divorce, funeral, or whatever.

  15. Quote: “You will look at the hassle and pain of parking, paying for parking, waiting in line, paying covers, and screaming over loud music to disinterested girls in the hopes your game can pierce this incredibly hostile environment”
    If you’ve been going to clubs for years and are still paying cover and waiting in line, then you definitely are doing it all wrong.
    “Disinterested girls”?
    Negative mindset = bad results.
    If we’re talking about a gentlmen’s spot to relax and unwind, look no further than a private cigar lounge. Perfect for cats who enjoy fine liquors, cigars, the company of their friends and even possible business opportunities (through networking).
    Christian McQueen

    1. Disagree 100%. I worked the pole position clubs in my area for years and years and some people never get anything other than the jerkoff deal. For those who don’t know what that means, it means I was the last word on what happens or does not happen on matters not related to drink sales or DJ stuff. Some people, many girls included, might come out often but forever remain a card carrying member of the lucky to be let in the door crowd. A person has got to be very honest with sizing up their situation, club game is stellar for some but it’s a horrible idea for others.

  16. “You will go to the nightclubs.
    You will go to the hotspots.
    You will spend hours at a salsa club.
    And you will spend years chasing tail in loud “Oomp-chicka-oomp” establishments.”
    No I won’t. Nor will I waste time and money in a “friendly neighborhood” quick sand sink hole either.

  17. key point is for the bar to be in walking distance. It is much easier to bring women back to your place if it is, and there is a lesser chance of you loosing the bang because of wasted time.

  18. I’ve found my friendly local bar. I go in every few weeks when I’m in the mood for relaxation and camaraderie. I was in the seminary for a few years, so whenever I go to the bar, the regulars cry out “Father!”like the regulars shouted “Norm!” on Cheers. Not sure whether to be amused or embarrassed.

  19. I had a great bar just downstairs from my condo…. got to know the owner and the bar staff… it was a hoot… i miss not living there any more…..

  20. Ayah. At 47, the urge to chase the vapid bitch in noisy conditions is long-gone. Thanks for the thought Cappy, perhaps I shall look at the local bar instead of “the strip”.

  21. Good stuff Captain!
    I’m a big fan, and want to commend you for an excellent article. There seems to be a lot of dissenting views in these comments, but I think people are missing the point. A good pub is hard to find, but is worth every penny when you find it.
    I’ve only been to dive bars with loud music and big-breasted waitresses. I always felt out of place. Now I know there are other options available. Cheers!

  22. I already have a place like that. It’s called my home. “Shut up woman, men are talking…and drinking!” Oh, and there is no man cave in my home. All that I own is mine and if a woman has a problem with that, “There’s the door.”

  23. I recently went to a bar after work… instead of the usual bar, drove a few miles down the street.
    My first reaction was “holy shit – everyone in here is either a working-class fellow or a businessman”.
    My second reaction was “there are only 1 or 2 chicks in here, including the one who came with me”.
    I ordered a Miller Lite and enjoyed the peace and harmony of a male-only space, but felt a twinge of guilt at knowing I had played a small part in defiling it. Yeah, the woman with me was “one of the guys”. Still defiles it.

  24. I’m not sure about this one. I’m 56 and rather than sit in a bar to discuss how fck’d up things are, or reminisce about the old times, I’ll take a work out at the gym any time. I feel like I’ve accomplished something worthwhile and don’t feel so sluggish the next day. But that’s just me. My good friends are scattered around the country and I don’t have the time, or inclination to find new ones right now.

  25. I had a great old man bar in New Orleans. Met all of the above criteria. Then The owner lost it due to gambling debts. Re opened with hipsters for bartenders and clientele. So sad.

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