Men who have enviable dating lives all share a fundamental assumption about women. These men assume most women want to sleep with them. Unfortunately, although they wouldn’t admit it (even to themselves), most men believe the opposite; that women do not find them sexually attractive. This unconscious belief makes men feel unentitled to take the risks necessary to have success with women.
Put bluntly, you might be preventing yourself from having success with women because of a belief you don’t know you have. This article is going to help you realize whether you have this toxic belief, and show you how to replace it with its opposite: the fundamental assumption that will get you laid.
Awareness is the cure
Changing your beliefs about yourself isn’t easy because a negative mindset is the psychological equivalent to cancer: the host doesn’t know it’s destroying itself. Becoming aware of this is intrinsically difficult because you’d have to admit that a part of you isn’t really you, but a cancer. To change your mindset, you must notice your own negative thinking, question your insecurities, and doubt your own self-doubt.
If your body were to become aware that it had cancer, your immune system would easily snuff it out, the same is true for a negative mindset. Awareness of your own self-destructive beliefs is the cure.
Many men just don’t believe that girls want to fuck them, and this causes them to shoot themselves in the foot whenever they have an opportunity with a woman.
The ‘She Doesn’t Want Me’ Treadmill
Take me for example. A few years ago, I went on several dates with a girl who I thought was way out of my league. On the third date, I made a romantic gesture to win her over. At the end of our date, I hesitated, and took a deep breath before pulling out a bouquet of flowers from the trunk of my car.
I said, “I thought you might like these” (thinking I was being smooth). There was a long, awkward pause. She said, “Oh that’s really sweet, thank you. But I have to go now.” She then briskly walked away from me and into her home. I never saw her again.
A few months later, a girl I worked with asked me on a date. We went out five or six times; we went to the park, the library, got high together, and on one fateful night she suggested that we watch a movie at my place. I enthusiastically agreed.
We were watching a movie in my bed, and she started massaging me. She had me lie down and kneaded my entire body, eventually, she had me turn over so that she was on top of me in a cowgirl position. At this moment, I said, “Let’s get back to the movie.” She gave up at this point and we ended up sleeping, fully clothed, side-by-side. The morning after she said, “Well, that’s not what I expected. See ya.”
These are both stories of last dates because I was on the ‘she doesn’t want me’ treadmill, I kept going on dates and putting in effort to getting more success with women, but because I didn’t believe these women were interested in me sexually, I didn’t get anywhere. No matter how many dates I went on.
I had a fundamental assumption that women shouldn’t be attracted to me (without knowing it). I was insecure enough that I didn’t make a move on these dates because I needed undeniable proof that they wanted me to.
Even when a girl massaged my entire body I wasn’t convinced she wanted me to make something happen, there was still room for doubt, so I kept waiting for further proof of her interest. In hindsight, it’s obvious these girls were attracted to me, but they needed me to be a man and take a risk.
Men who are successful with women fundamentally assume women find them attractive. This may seem narcissistic and delusional, but it’s a useful delusion that leaves room for risk taking (and by extension, results). On the other hand, delusionally believing you’re unattractive is negative in a way that leaves room only for self-sabotage.
(As a side-note, expecting girls to be attracted to you doesn’t mean that you can’t take no for an answer, it means that you are willing to take the risks that could lead to a no.)
The first step to developing this positive narcissism is counterintuitive: you must confront the possibility that you have negative beliefs that are holding you back. Accepting the possibility that you have beliefs about your attractiveness that may be negatively affecting your actions and results is difficult. But once you do, the problem finally becomes something you can control, and therefore, overcome.
The only way out is through. To change your beliefs you must proactively take risks that normally only a man who assumes he is fundamentally attractive to women would take. This means putting yourself directly at risk for rejection by women (leaning in for the kiss, asking for the number, attempting the pull).
This is the first crucial step, yet most men never take it because their beliefs about their lack of attractiveness feel so real. If you think that you don’t have enough money, the right body, or the right personality type to attract women, it’s easy to see this perceived disadvantage as an insurmountable obstacle (women aren’t going to start making moves on you anytime soon after all). By default, you will maintain your negative beliefs about yourself indefinitely.
You can easily shoot yourself in the foot when you have opportunities with women if you don’t believe you are fundamentally attractive (like I did in the above anecdotes), then you will reinforce this belief because you didn’t end up getting the girl. You can easily interpret these missed opportunities as further evidence that you are in fact correct about your self-evaluation that you are not sexually desirable to attractive women. It’s a nasty self-fulfilling prophecy that happens outside of our conscious awareness.
The Power of Doubt
In your dating life (or any part of your social life), there is a sort of breadcrumb trail of neurotic and insecure emotions that you can follow. Your negative emotions feel like they’re telling you to avoid something, but in reality, they’re telling you exactly what you need to do. This means that if the notion of going out to meet women on a regular basis provokes anxiety, then do it: if getting rejected frightens you, then ask women out: pain points to the way forward.
The hardest part of this process is admitting that you’re holding yourself back and avoiding taking the right actions. It’s so easy to come up with excuses; you can tell yourself that you need to build more social skills before approaching more women, or that you need to wait to get your career handled, or you need to finish sculpting that six pack (don’t get me wrong, those things definitely help, a lot, but they can easily turn into procrastination).
It’s never going to be easy to admit that your emotional resistance is due to very real insecurities that you have. Understand this: changing your results is impossible without facing doubt and emotional resistance.
Wherever you experience resistance, you must question your assumptions about what that resistance means, this opens up room for you to doubt your current beliefs, which then entitles you to take risks that will disprove your negative mindset. Once you’re aware of what’s holding you back, your excuses lose their meaning. Therefore, you empower yourself to change.
The further you lean into your emotional resistance through risk-taking, the more you will find experiential proof that the resistance was based on unnecessary beliefs you had about yourself, not objective reality.
Within the context of success with women, the more you put yourself at a real risk of rejection (as a rule, to count as a rejection, she has to actually tell you no. Otherwise, you didn’t really get rejected, you just rejected yourself), the more you will get evidence that a good number of women would very much enjoy the opportunity to fuck you.
Although you will find it hard to believe at first, over time, you will develop the fundamental assumption that women do find you attractive. This new assumption will entitle you to take more risks, which will then get you more results with women, which will then lead you to believe women find you even more sexually attractive. It’s a powerful self-fulfilling prophecy that will take place outside of your conscious awareness.
With that said, go forth, chat up some stunners, get rejected a lot, succeed occasionally; and in so doing let go of and replace the unnecessary beliefs that were holding you back.