Introduction
Loneliness versus aloneness. The two sound very synonymous, but carry totally separate ideas. The thought of feeling lonely versus the thought of being alone are very different. Osho has spoken in great depths on here and here.
The thought of loneliness is a life hindrance, while the thought of aloneness is a life helper. When you feel lonely you feel all things negative about yourself; however, when you are in aloneness, you feel all things positive about yourself.
Perhaps you have felt lonely many periods in your life. Maybe the idea of feeling lonely has had you running all of your life. Perhaps you stuck around in bad long term relationships, lived too long with your parents, went out to bars every night for a deep-rooted fear that you would be to yourself.
This is where the idea of need versus want comes to play. When you are lonely, you always feel the need to not be alone. You are desperate for love, attention, affection and entertainment of others, because the idea of aloneness scares you. Maybe you are that person who jungle vines from one long term relationship to another. You have not given time to your aloneness, and because of this you have experienced loneliness.
Understand at the end of the day it is you and ultimately you who deals with your hang-ups, emotional issues, and other weaknesses of your body and mind. As they always say, no one cares about you more than yourself. I always recommend steps towards aloneness, and here are some of them.
1. Move out of your parents’ home
Living with your parents is one of the quickest ways towards complacency because you lose out on introspection. Your parents become the go-to, whether directly or indirectly on your progress in life. Yes, your parents know you better than anyone else, but they are still entities separate from you. They may know about you, but they do not know everything about you.
Moving out of your parents’ home, and getting your own pad is a first step towards independence and truly getting to know yourself. Living with a roommate is better than living with your parents, but living alone is probably the best thing any man can do for himself. When living alone, you learn how to be self-reliant and resourceful.
2. Stay single after a breakup
After a relationship, the best thing one should do is be single. My recommended time of being alone is at least two or three years. During this time you must take away the need to be in a relationship with another female. This is the time when you get back to doing all the things you could never do or enjoy fully in that relationship.
This is the best time to breach your comfort zones. Never played an instrument before? Go try it. Are you a homebody? Go hiking, indoor or outdoor rock climbing. There are men who get so used to being in a relationship that they end up jumping right back into another one for fear of being alone. When you find relationships based on loneliness, you end up unconsciously finding the next partner who resembles the previous relationship(s). Through aloneness you learn about yourself, and that ultimately helps you with finding the right types of people down the line.
3. Take breaks from friends or family
Do you find yourself being with friends or family every day or month? Take an extended time away from your family and friends to get more in touch with yourself. Your friends and family can be very impressionable to you. Perhaps you have a nagging mother who puts you down because of your unkempt room, maybe your circle of friends are a negative bunch, maybe they are just as lazy and unenthusiastic as you.
It would be hard being consciously aware of your thoughts and actions, because your friends and family are hindrances to your development. Taking some time away from them will allow you to see what you need in your life’s journey. Aloneness brings clarity and certainty.
4. Travel alone
There is nothing better than traveling alone. It breaks you into the true reality of life. You get to learn about cultures, mannerisms, customs, and languages. When you travel with others you may lose the richness of life that is going on around you. You get lost in plans and compromise things that you would not inherently do because of that other person.
Maybe you want to attend a tomato throwing event or run with the bulls in Spain, eat sheep’s head in Norway, or backpack through three specific countries you have been dreaming of in Europe. Traveling alone allows you to do the things you want to do and fully experience it.
5. Give up the “need” for anything
I recommend taking some time away from the things you once thought were a necessity. The need to go out every night and pick up chicks, the need to be in a relationship, the need to be around friends, the need for material things, the need for noise or constant motion.
You do not need these things. You need YOU, right here, still, and in the moment. Being in the moment with yourself, your mind and emotions allows you to mature into a supreme individual. Let all the things that are dissatisfying be your universal message of what you need to improve. Your aloneness is what is craving your attention, your loneliness is what is deteriorating your life.
Furthermore
Aloneness brings forth acquaintance with the mental, physical and spiritual YOU. If you have experienced a breakup or divorce, this is the perfect time get to know yourself. In some of those relationships, a man loses part of himself, because he was too busy giving to his partner’s happiness and not looking inward at what makes him happy.
Reassess where you are in life, your strengths, weaknesses, goals and aspirations. Start by getting back to the things that make you intrinsically happy. It’s a step at making an assessment of where you are in life, analyzing strengths and weaknesses.
In conclusion
When you spend time in aloneness, you increase self-love, self-reliance, and resourcefulness. Aloneness makes you an independent person, relying on yourself as your own best teacher, brother, friend, and caretaker. You start to look more at the best interests of yourself.
Study your behaviors closely because it is a message of what may need to change in you. Time spent in aloneness helps with outcome independence, knowing that if a situation didn’t go as plan with a person, place, or thing, you always have your health and happiness to go home to.
If you were to equate this concept to getting with women, aloneness is very attractive. It non-verbally communicates that you are confident and comfortable with who you are. This decreases neediness, because you know that if a female were to ever reject you, you still have you to love.
Aloneness makes you important, and you place your needs before others first. With aloneness you grow into a strong, self-reliant and thoroughly introspective individual. No matter what the odds, you always know that you have someone to continue to focus, appreciate and make a better man, and that person is YOU.
Read More: The Value of Self-Reliance
“The reason why people don’t like to spend time alone is because -listen folks- they don’t like themselves” – Tom Leykis
Tom Leykis is awesome
Being alone is perhaps the only and real way to discover who you are as individual.
It amazes me how the mainstream media and the indoctrination of our schooling system encourages all the wrong values which are supposed to bring “true happiness” to our lives, such as getting married and having kids etc.
The reality is that times have changed, and everything that you have been taught from school to your parents, should be dismissed because reality will give you the kick in the teeth to make you realise, you need to develop a new strategy in order to find out who you are as individual.
The above points given in the list are fine, but in reality, not all men will have the courage to pursue them. Remember, in life there are “thinkers” (people who think of a plan, but never come through) and there are “doers” (people who actually go through with a plan.) Make sure that you, as a man, are the latter choice.
Never underestimate the value of being alone. It is only when you are surrounded by loud and obnoxious people that you truly learn the importance of being alone. It is the greatest feeling that one can obtain since as men, we need to be in private space to truly understand who we are as individuals.
you always want what you don’t have…. being alone and having space and time to think and choose for yourself is very powerful and although it can be a bit strange to start with, if you ignore that voice in your head that craves company you become strong and independent….
Why are you “amazed” that mainstream media and the schooling system are so? They’re intentionally made to do so nowadays.
Btw being a “doer” is certainly not the answer for all men.
P.S. Please refrain from paraphrasing the article in the comments.
“Why are you “amazed” that mainstream media and the schooling system are so? They’re intentionally made to do so nowadays.”
-Amazed because no one seems to care anymore. It contributes further to the downfall of society.
“Btw being a “doer” is certainly not the answer for all men.”
-Maybe for you, but for most men, it is a practical way to move forward in life, rather than just think about something all day.
“P.S. Please refrain from paraphrasing the article in the comments.”
-I’ll say what I want to say. Who the hell are you to tell me otherwise?
There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2zoZMg2NJY
This is a good article. One suggestion – when living alone, get yourself a dog. I’ve been living alone for many years, but a few years ago, I came into care of two dogs.
You can learn a lot from dogs, about how to live. About how to be happy in the moment, how not to need material things to be happy.
All I need is a sunny afternoon, and an ipod loaded with beautiful music, and my dogs and I can have a glorious time.
I definitely agree with this….I live by myself and had a dog, it’s actually the best living arrangement a man could have.
The dog will never bitch at you, ask you where you have been, ask how many beers you’ve had…….Lock a woman and a dog in the trunk of your car and after 30 minutes open the lid and watch who is happiest to see you.
“that’s Beaumont” in the trunk
– Jackie Brown (1997)
I agree.
Careful with your love of aloneness because introversion is a disease.
I understand this is a bold statement but even the official medicine recognises it as such. Humans are social animals and if you prefer your company, if you feel like that people ‘drain your energy’, you have a problem. Introversion is directly related to a lack of life energy i.e. poor health.
Not arguing with you here. But understand, there is a perfect reason as to why people “drain your energy.”
For example, people that drain your energy can include family members, who can be self destructive in their behaviour and nature, and as a result, drain your energy.
Or work colleagues, who are constantly finding ways to stab you in the back and walk all over you and deflect any blame on their part, and as a result, drain your energy.
Or society in general. We are always complaining of feminists, corrupt politicans and bankers and the other bullshit we find our daily lives wrapped around. And certainly, this can also result in draining your energy.
Science may have its legitimacy. But life also teaches you otherwise. In this case, loneliness is not a bad thing. It all depends on how you as an individual, choose to utilise it.
Being social takes energy. Most people are energy vampires so during any social interaction there’s an active energy exchange. When you feel like being drained of your life forces, it is because you’re in deficit to start with.
On the other hand research shows that the brains of introverts are more active than those of extraverts. This explains why introverts limit how much comes in, while extraverts go where the action is.
Low energy gives rise to the common mental/emotional symptoms of slow oxidation such as apathy, fatigue, introversion, depression, and if it is severe enough, suicidal thoughts and despair as the body’s energy system fails to a greater degree.
The normal human environment is within the group of other genetically related people, that is your family.
I do think you have some points here. But I think as a rational thinker you have to some time look at things with a pinch of skepticism. Modern medicine often have a tendency to conflate correlation with causation. So you have to be careful when reading their definitions, and recognize where there may be errors. True, introversion can often be linked to low energy, where the patient doesn’t have the required energy to endure even relatively minimum social interaction. However, this is not always the case. Science has also found that men on average require periods of time where they withdraw from social interactions, while they deal with their problems and issues. I.E the so called “man’s cave”. Women on average require social interaction to help them deal with and solve their problems and issues. I think the author here was speaking more to this tendency and need of most men, and not actual introversion, which can be linke to other issues.
Henry Ford would go into seclusion for a year by himself with no means of communication to reach him, in a cabin in the woods. Alone.
And we all know what to think about “official medicine”, right?
Especially when it comes to psychological issues…distance yourself from mainstream medicine as far as it gets. They´re all fucking nuts themselves.
“Humans are social animals”
Sounds like something out of a female mouth 😉
Based on family (e.g. own blood) it´s true. But “needing” some friends or sexual partners for feeling happiness and/or fulfillment is just a sign of being a self-hater.
They need other people to show them and tell them what to do because they can´t do it alone. Like kids or women.
I usually do not bother to respond to such juvenile comments but something needs clarification. I said introversion is related to lack of energy and not to any known psychological disorders. I personally do not believe in the so called psychological disorders. Something as trivial as common parasites can trigger suicide attempts.
p.s. men are in fact more social than women as we’re better team players, we hunt in groups, we form stronger friendships.
old school personality psychology often describes introversion / extroversion as a continuum amongst the dimensions of personality. They key variable here I think is the level of stimulus one is comfortable with i.e. extroverts need lots of stimulus whereas introvert need little and too little or too much respectively may be toxic depending on where you lie on that continuum. While socialisation will certainly play a part in determining that, other factors, including temperament that is effectively a given may be more important. The upshot is: know thyself and find the right level for you as an individual. Personally though I can’t see that a limited amount of time for reflection, planning and self-improvement can ever be a bad thing
You haven´t called it a psychological disorder but you´ve called it a disease in your first post!
And that´s bogus.
Following your logic, extroversion is a sign of good mental health.
You’re either a troll or an idiot. Modern psychology (and the DSM 4/5) you are likely referencing is based on the clashes of Freud and Jung/Adler. Originally together they subsequently departed. Jung has proven to have had the more appropriate understanding of human diversity. Introversion/extroversion represents human physiology, NOT pathology.
I call bullshit on this. Introversion is just a way to draw energy for an individual (cf jung), some people (extroverts) need constant external stimuli, some people (introvert) rely on internal stimuli. Being introvert is not related to poor health nor a disease.
What I noticed too is that too much extraversion = a tendancy to upset others, being too demonstrative, being histrionical (or adept of social whoring), and saying a lot of bullshit because They hardly keep their mouth shut… And this is a real energy drain for others.
Most intellectual people and great men of history were introverts, or at least enjoyed aloneness.
A final word : when you see how society is fucked up nowadays, being a “good” tamed social animal is not a proof of great mental health !
ah loneliness
how would i know
who i am
without you
– katelin offord harper
1 and 3 are great advice…dont be scared to be single.
This. I’ve had my “chances”, but the thought of splitting my bathroom, bed, time and finances with a woman makes me groan.
I took a trip to Glacier Park by myself this past summer, and I loved it. That place is proof of God.
I think the point about not being afraid to be single is key.
Firstly you need to learn to be happy on your own, find your own interests and make your own life. Make a life that makes you happy. You can’t expect anyone to do this for you. Too many people expect a partner to make their life exciting and interesting, and to make them happy. Of course when you first meet someone this often is the case, but after three or six months when this excitement disappears they feel they are with the wrong person. You are responsible for your own happiness and for making your own life worthwhile. This is advice that men and women can follow equally. Too many marriages end because people want a quick easy fix of excitement.
Secondly…when you are happy to be single you can choose who you spend your time with. Often I have seen men who go from one unsatisfactory girl to another, with no gap in between. Well this means they are not choosing to be with someone of quality who is just right for them, instead they are taking what is available. When you’re happy to be single you get to choose. Again, this advice can go for anyone at all whether male or female. People who are never single have the poorest relationships. Those that are happy to be single for periods are not just choosing the best person to spend their time with, but also choosing between being single – and the benefits this has – and being with someone (and the benefits that also has).
Look at those around you, and you’ll see what I mean.
^^^^^
THIS!
Yesssss indeed bro
If a man cannot grow to thrive in his own company then I would suggest there’s something deeply wrong with him
Alone is where you formulate your thoughts. If you can’t be alone it’s because you’re an empty vessel with nothing to formulate.
I know a couple of people who “can’t be alone”. Not by chance they also lack intellect and character
The number one factor for men and women to repeatedly get into seriously bad relationships is fear of being alone. They would rather sit with an abusive, lazy, drug addled slob than just be alone.
I’ve travelled by myself a lot, and invite people who say it’s “The only way to travel” to blow it out their ass. (I’ve also travelled in groups/with friends and find it preferable. You can always agree ‘away days’ where you do your own thing.)
If you travel “with groups” outside of military campaigns, you’re by definition a moron
Motorcycled across Europe as/with a group. I would suggest you are the presumptuous moron, as I know what you assumed.
the left, being the party of communialism and redistribution, opposes individualism and being alone in favor of gregariousness and leftist conformity.
I am categorised as INTJ on the Myers Briggs Personality Test, only approximately 2 percent of the population. Given its rarity, most who take the test as INTJ are extremely likely to be very ‘stereotypically’ INTJ.
I have to admit it does have its challenges but with respect to this article it is very empowering. Many people can’t stand being alone or without help for more than a few days then rush to the comfort of others. For me its my natural environment and I find it to be renewing and the source of all that I do.
Of those steps listed here, I think 1. is a given for anyone already reading this. Regarding travelling, I think there are benefits to travelling with friends and lets not make out solo travel as some pinnacle of excellence. But in the context of certain life situations you point out, it has value.
Number 5 is a very good point. I have currently constructed an ongoing life for me that is very simple but effective. All simply by listening to who I really am (i.e. what works for me and what doesn’t). If you are not away from the noise and the crowds this can be hard to figure out. Often we do things precisely because of the crowds.
Interesting sentiment. All practical and in clear accordance to preferring some alone time. Recharge your mental battery a bit and still restore your source of energy and vitality, your mind.
On your Myers Briggs profile, I am quite curious how the consensus occurred as to the Rational type percentage in our population. I am an ENTP, rated a 3% of the populace. I have a close friend who is an INTJ. Know an ENTJ, whom I hang with frequently, who hangs with an INTP. We all clicked with a woman we hung out with recently who is an ENTJ as well. An ex of mine was an INTP. So either certain spheres or people are very good at attracting each other, certain types are forced to enter the work force as we switched from man power to mind power, or there are more Rationals than M-B was letting on.
For the record I find this topic fascinating.
I’ve been categorized as INFP and it suits my tastes well enough. Thinking about how these different archetypal personalities interact is a topic I am currently learning more about.
It is clearly a rough estimate of personality, but I’ve been able to guess people I know fairly accurately in terms of the MBTI. I can tell the difference between I/E and N/S to a statistically significant level at this point.
The balancing act of different personalities is pretty interesting to me… And why do some personality characteristics prevail while others do not? What would a predominantly introverted society look like compared to a predominantly extroverted society?
Does a healthy society have at least some representation of each archetype, or are some objectively better than others?
Is there anything objective at all anyways? Questions, questions…
What you’ve probably seen is the commonality of xNTx. In terms of connecting with people, I have no shame saying that I will not hit it off with most people. In fact INTJs (event NTs) can be perceived as ‘weird’. I’ve learned in particular those with dominant extroverted feeling (Fe) and Sensing (Se) will often have extremely negative reactions to me and be down right condescending. OTOH, my first instinct is to find them illogical, flighty, attention grabbing twats. I have a much better understanding of what drives individual behaviours and am much more tolerant provided I don’t bear any personal brunt.
Regarding how we seem to seek each other out, I have a much better understanding of that now also. I’ve been reading intensively on it. Previously finding types I clicked with was a lucky jackpot, equivalent to a ‘tinder swipe right process’. Now I can specifically define the attributes and behaviours that means I know I will click with said person. From what youre saying its almost a unconscious seeking of each other out. I think its like when we buy a new car – suddenly we see that car everywhere.
Lonelineless is where you find the scariest enemy. Sounds a bit strange because there is nobody else…yes, it means that enemy is YOU
For a long time I have pushed that solitude and loneliness are not the same thing, only to have it rejected without any evidence.
Maybe they fear actually hearing their own thoughts or as another commenter said, they just don’t like themselves.
It’s not good for man to be alone. That’s straight from Genesis. We’re wired to need female companionship. Be honest, we’d eventually go crazy without it. Granted, all the crazy bitches and no good women today make it seem to be better off without them, but we do need them. We need the good women.
How does a man completely get rid of the need for women? I mean totally erase it?
Yes, that is true. God did state that it’s not good for man to be alone.
However, he didn’t intend on man caving into his only option of one woman, Eve, who was herself deceived by a serpent — the devil — into thinking she could possibly approach the knowledge and wisdom of the Almighty. Then, after receiving the knowledge of good and evil, knowing full well her condemnation, couldn’t bear the though of Adam being ALONE, BY HIMSELF WITH GOD, deceived him into joining her misery by him, just as the serpent had deceived her.
Miserly loves company. And misery comes most quickly to man via woman.
Correct. Misery does love company. Adams problem was that he was a straight up pussy. He didn’t have the balls to tell Eve NO, put the apple down!
“Misery comes most quickly to man via woman.”
Also correct as this comes directly from Eves curse given to her by God in Gen 3:16. “Thy desire will be for thy husband”
Its a beautiful ideology, and articulated so astutely by osho all those years ago. There is an incredible value in going on a silent retreat, a vision quest, anything that gets you out of your comfort zone. Solo travel is special and romantic, never a dull moment, and amazing considering the small percentage of humans who have had the opportunity to adventure around the globe in such a way. Try camping alone in the woods for a week with no books/gadgets/bullshit and just see what emotions/experiences come. Just sit, for 10 days or so, and see what happens…
As other commenters have touched on I don’t believe this path is sustainable long term… unless you reach enlightenment I guess, I’m not sure I believe in that. Osho talks up isolation, however he was surrounded by devotees who met his every emotional/physical need and then some. He was the “love guru”,60 year old man banging 20 year olds? Try to not have sex for 6 months and see if you can “meditate through it”. You can silence your mind all you want, you won’t find a magical well of infinite love underneath, it doesn’t exist.
You might momentarily taste the expansive oneness of unified consciousness on a meditation retreat. You might have a legit spiritual experience. But you must return again to your individual, separate self. The fact is you are a social animal. As a red blooded man you have physical needs. As a primate you have the needs of social connection, being accepted and part of a “tribe”, positive resonance with those around you (Love 2.0), intimacy, pussy, etc. without these things you will actually become sick, as other commenters have rightly pointed out.
Without social skills, without sex, without the tribe, you will be depressed. You can manage short term, but in the long run you are fucked. Learn to surf in social interaction, not the waves of the top 20 surf-spots. Learn to build friendships, have people laughing, building a community around you, don’t collect solo experiences on the solitary way. Spirituality is nice, but Game trumps Meditation in the long run.
“After a relationship, the best thing one should do is be single. My recommended time of being alone is at least two or three years. During this time you must take away the need to be in a relationship with another female. This is the time when you get back to doing all the things you could never do or enjoy fully in that relationship.”
The best advice one can give. Often times the opposite is destructive to a man.
The key word being “relationship” in my opinion. As far as pussy, I don’t think I could swear off pussy altogether. A man has needs…
Alone for two or three years? Without a woman? Does this include one night stands or ladies of the night? Man is not a camel.
Wish I had figured that out after my divorce. Went on a tear with bad relationships and terrible heartache. Should of just relaxed and enjoyed the moment. Now I get “how come you’re not married?”. My answer: “I don’t eat a bad hamburger twice – now get lost you skag”.
Needs are dangerous things…and are often illusions. That having been said, there is nothing wrong with wanting the company of others, especially attractive members of the opposite sex. But it’s a bit like one’s relationship with alcohol: when you start to need it to any degree at all, even a single drink after dinner, is when you set your feet upon the road to hell. The same applies to the companionship, the physical affections, and the respect and admiration of women — especially the respect and admiration of women.
Went Jack Reacher, on my terms …
Not regretting one bit of that.
Very well said Tony….very well said indeed. It took me a while to truly grasp the wonderful zen of alone. I can honestly say I am alone, but I am not lonely.
Like someone who’s been a slave all his life and finds freedom terrifying when it’s finally given to him, many men keep going from one dependency to another. Solid advice. Be master of yourself first and foremost.
My 26-year marriage broke up in 2002. I was heart-broken and went out looking for a woman to fill the great void of loneliness. I found plenty but things were complicated and none of them were what I wanted. Then I realised that I didn’t want them at all and just wanted to look “normal” if I went anywhere. It’s very difficult to go to the movies alone, to a restaurant alone, or travel alone. Anyway, I stopped looking. Since my youngest daughter went to University in 2006 I’ve been living alone in a remote part of the Snowy Mountains, with just the company of a Labrador, ever since.
I have never been happier nor more content. I’ve found myself again, re-discovered my personality, re-invented myself. I have no-one to answer to, can do what I like when I like, play music loud all night, get maudlin drunk, go to town and gamble all night. I’ve become used to eating in restaurants alone and travelling alone. It doesn’t bother me at all any more. Sometimes, about 2 to 3 times a year, I feel a need to see other humans and smell ocean air, so I book myself an apartment for a week or two in Brisbane, Sydney or Melbourne, get in the car and go.
When I get there I go where I want to go and do what I want to do and I have a bloody good time. There’s no more of that, “Jack, we’re going to…”, “Jack, don’t have another drink.” “Jack, we’ve got to be at shit-head’s place at 7:30. Don’t be late.”
Whenever I do go away I always seem to meet up with someone in a similar situation, usually a woman around my age, but sometimes another bloke, and we might go out for a night on the piss or something else entertaining. The strangest thing happened in September 2012 when I went to Melbourne for a week. The only suite I could get at short notice was in a Kosher motel in St Kilda. In any event, it was convenient. About the second day I was there I was in the outside smoking area and there was an older woman there, about my age, crying. I started to talk to her she’d come down from Sydney for the AFL Grand Final between the Sydney Swans and Hawthorn Hawks but her friend had broken her ankle and couldn’t make it. Trudy had two tickets and didn’t want to go to the game alone. She asked me to go with her and, of course, I agreed. She gave me a new Sydney Swans cap and Bomber Jacket to wear and off we went on the Saturday morning. There were 100,000 people there and outside people were offering $1,000 for any ticket. It was a good game. Sydney won.
After the game we went to a swish restaurant, got on the piss, and got back to the motel at about 4 in the morning. We still see other from time to time and I’ve stayed at her place in Sydney and she’s come here. Nothing more than part-time friendship.
Life is good.
Congrats! That’ll be something to tell the grandkids.
It’s amazing how many mature comments I’ve read from this post. Never knew commenters on ROK would have this level of sophistication.
this really is the article i needed to kick me in the arse today, fantastic and timely
This is the kind of article I can agree with. Unfortunately, I seem to be leaning more towards loneliness than aloneness, which is something I’ve been trying to work on. Do I need a girlfriend? No. Do I want a girlfriend? Yes. I’ll survive. I’ve been working towards becoming more independent. It’s what I’m sure I need, and this article has helped me out with that.
Wow the sexist wankers actually wrote something of quality. Bravo bravo sexist wankers. To this article should be added the need for a blow up doll.