Love is complicated; it’s hard to describe; you’ll just know it when you feel it. She’s the one; the one I’ve been waiting for. It’s hard to explain, but I feel it in my heart.
“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” ~Albert Einstein
I had finally banged my first chick, and I was in love. Real love, too. I’m talking about the fervent kind of love that can only be experienced by a man who is scared to death that he’ll never get laid again if he loses the only girl he knows. Though Jenna and I had only fornicated once in the baptismal dressing room during a church service, I was absolutely convinced that she was my girl. She was the one.
She was the one who talked to me when few other women would.
She was the one who grew up just like I did, so we understood each other.
She was the one who was beautiful, feminine, and definitely only slutty with me, and definitely only that one time in a rare isolated incident.
She was the one who complimented me and made me feel special.
She was the one who captivated my thoughts as I drove back home to Atlanta.
She was the one I wanted by my side the following week as I bid farewell to 1994 and rang in the New Year.
She was also the one who didn’t return my calls.
Bummer. Perhaps going from zero to orgasm in less than 5 seconds isn’t the way to impress a lady, or maybe she just needed a little more time to realize that what we had was special.
I had a severe case of oneitis. I couldn’t get Jenna off my mind, and she couldn’t get my voicemails off of her machine.
Or my emails out of her AOL account, or my flowers off of her front porch.
Women enjoy a lot of things, but one of them definitely isn’t being stalked by the guy they hooked up with at church during a Christmas service.
But what makes a man have oneitis? What on earth led me to believe that she was the one that I couldn’t live without? Why would I spend the coming months feeling like death, not talking to other girls, and being so lonely for her? What is this phenomenon that makes us see one woman so differently than all the rest? Barring a few superficial differences in the way women execute sameness, they’re pretty much all the same. We’ve all been in love with “the one” before, and we’ve all lived to be in love again with the next “the one.” So what’s up with the temporary psychosis that makes us view one woman as somehow special?
In 1911, Dr. Mario Ponzo described the geometrical optical illusion we now call the Ponzo Effect. This is where the human mind judges the size of an object based on its background, causing two identical objects to appear vastly different in size based on their surroundings.
Think of biggest, fullest moon you’ve ever seen, and then think of a night when the full moon seemed tiny in the sky. If you took a pencil in your hand, extended your arm, blocked out the horizon, and judged the size of the big moon and the seemingly smaller moon relative to the eraser, you’d discover they’re the same size. The moon isn’t bigger one night and smaller the next; our perception is different based on the objects surrounding it. When the horizon is in view, the moon just appears bigger, but it’s still the same distance from the earth, and it’s still the same size as on the nights it appears smaller.
That’s oneitis in a nutshell. Some women seem different than others, but only relative to their surroundings. Jenna seemed bigger than life against a horizon of her country SWPL Christian background and her desire to have sex with me, but had that exact same experience occurred at a bar somewhere in Atlanta with a non-Christian city girl, I’d consider her a slut and try to ditch her after sex.
Oneitis is basically a Ponzo Effect of the heart; an illusion perceived and acted upon by men who aren’t quite as smart as a pencil eraser.
Ask any happily coupled man, and he’ll tell you that he loves his woman and can’t imagine life without her. Good for him. But if someone dropped a house on her and he found himself single again, I’m pretty sure he’d find someone else to love and be all twisted up in. Now I’m not suggesting that mutual oneitis can’t make a man happy, but I know a homeless guy who’s thoroughly convinced that he’s Napoleon Bonaparte, and he seems pretty damn happy too.
Am I disparaging love? Am I cheapening the bonds of holy matrimony? Am I insinuating that a man and a woman can’t be happy together?
Absolutely not. I’m just trying to put it in perspective for you, Mr. Big Moon. Love is transactional, and commitment is a decision; walking into or away from such a situation blinded by the Ponzo Effect could be disastrous.
The severity of oneitis is directly related to how much experience a man has with women. If you’re suffering from oneitis, you need to get out more. When you’re around a lot of women – regardless of whether you sex them up or not – you learn pretty quickly not to elevate any of them above the collective herd. Love them for who they are, don’t try to change them, enjoy their companionship while it lasts, work to preserve the relationship if it’s worth preserving, never compromise your principles in the face of shaming language, and if they decide to leave anyway, find a replacement before their side of the bed gets cold.
Keep busy with that regimen, and oneitis will be a thing of the past. Don’t chase; replace.
I eventually crawled out of my self-loathing oneitis cocoon and ventured back into the real world. Armed with the confidence of my single notch, I set out on a quest to find my next “the one.” I was a pretty sad sight there for a couple of years, but I eventually figured it out.
If you meet a girl whose special blend of sameness compliments yours, hang on to her. If she seems different because her position in relation to your horizon makes her appear better or more interesting, that’s actually a good thing – we’d all rather spend time with someone like that.
Just don’t forget how a Ponzo Effect of the heart can lead you to assign value where it doesn’t belong, keep your wits about you, and you’ll be just fine.
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Great analogy. Great article.
Prenup prenup prenup. There used to be an unwritten contract during our grandparents’ era where the man and woman would have their own responsibilities in a marriage. Nowadays, women don’t want to cook and their jobs make it hard for them to take care of the children. So let’s let the men do the cooking and babysitting, sounds like a good idea. Except, women and their fucking instincts won’t let them be happy with such an arrangement. A few years into this kind of marriage setup and the woman feels her husband is too fucking weak. Time to kick him out and suck out whatever assets he has left. Pretty soon, the best marriage setup would be one woman and two husbands. One husband to slave on the housework, and one husband exclusively for fucking. Oh, and “onani” means masturbate. Not related, but lol.
Prenups are a scam
if you’re going to go down with a sinking ship, better wear a lifejacket
Rule 1) Avoid marriage. Rule 2) If you have to get married, prenup.
Rule 1) Avoid marriage. Rule 2) If you have to get married, prenup. Actually, I think they should let you write your own marriage contract. Why should the politicians be the ones who writes my marriage contract?
I think that most people reading this already know that the concept of “the one” is bullshit because there are many “the ones” for you. What I find the more important message of your post is that monogamy can be good and isn’t inherently bad like some people think it is. It’s simply about being prepared to let her go if everything isn’t what it first seemed, not treating her like she is “the one” and realising that you can find someone just as good or better again if you want or need to.
Oneitis is nothing but a mating strategy derived from a lack of future mating opportunities, or the perception of one.
|Oneitis is basically a Ponzo Effect of the heart
so true. what is crazy though, is even implicitly knowing oneitis is a function of lack of future mating opportunities, does not stop that feeling from slowly creeping in.
i currently have a french chick i’m crazy over. loves all the classic films bridget bardot, audrey hepburn those slow roast sexual feminine icons smoking hot and smoking are all her idols and she looks like a combination of eva green and marion cotillard. sweet, younger than me and incredibly attractive.
And yet every single day i have to mentally slap myself out of the strong ass urge to shower her with texts and every form of communication imaginable.
the urge to beta never quite dies, but just like the ponzo effect it can seem to fade into the background when you are getting access to multiple streams of sex, pussy, affection, femininity.
even with so many years of experience knowing and identifying oneitis it can still happen from time to time, and articles like the one above and examples from other red pill brothers of similar situations are what are used as reinforcement to stem the tide of NAWALT/she’s the one type thinking.
newsflash anyone living in the west, AWALT
Reminds me of this scene from Flight of the Conchords: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZGc2sIajMM
Back in my 20’s, I also had severe oneitis over a chick who dumped me after 2 weeks of dating. But I eventually learned a lot from the experience. Besides realizing what a beta wuss-bag I had been, I also found out that she had serious daddy issues and may have been sexually abused as a child. From then on, I resolved always to find out what type of relationship a woman has with her father before attempting an LTR with her.
I also had the schadenfreudian satisfaction of noting how much weight she had gained when I ran into her several years later.
Sounds like you never got over her.
A lot of your situation seemed to revolve around the fact that she was the only girl that you had ever hooked up with. Makes me feel bad for the guys who have gotten some ass, been around a decent number of women, but still get caught up with some of the worst girls on the planet. Did old Dr. Ponzo ever factor in continuous drunk goggles or the lack of rational thought?
Could not understand how most of my male cousins and friends immediately after graduating from college in their mid 20s, panicked and married the first chick that would have them. It was so plain that they were panicking, cuz you’d hear rationalizations like: “…time to stop fooling around and man up, I’m not getting any younger.” or “..she’s the one for me, besides, this might be the best I could do.” or “..I want to start a family when I’m young. She’ll do. This makes sense.” And don’t forget the all time winner:”…her dad owns a business, and I need a job. Time to settle down.”, or the classic “..we both have std’s, so we might as well stay together. The party’s over.” Do I need to tell you all that less than 8 years later, all those marriages were in the process of dying slow deaths. Thats when you hear the doozy: ‘Bro, whatever you do….DONT GET MARRIED!”
I have been thinking that there must be a good reason why men elevate one particular girl so that her qualities are blown out of proportion compared with other comparable women. This is not something that happens occasionally, this is how most men think (I’m guessing), what evolutionary benefits could a caveman get from this mindset.. It may be a case of a beta putting his eggs in the basket that he thinks has the best chance of his replication, but the king also has his alpha queen (let’s assume she is the best-looking girl available), does he have a form of oneitis for her when he can have his pick of any other? It seems the benefits of having oneitis in civilisation are pretty negligible compared with the costs, but I’m sure that the benefits outweighed the costs for most men at one time or another.
Kings usually had a main bitch for legitimacy’s sake. But you can’t tell me Henry VIII had oneitis.
Taj mahal, anyone?
As roosh identified in his latest article on rooshv, women born of a more traditional patriarchial society (EE, some diminishing parts of south america etc) tend to be a better fit for the classic one man one woman type approach. but this is the exception to the rule and is eroding with the passage of time as everything gets more feminised and culturally repugnant
Love: Perhaps the most abused word in English language.
If you are suffering because you are in love and can’t have her, its not love.
Society however wants you to think its love so that you will agree to pay the ultimate price. Your freedom.
“if the penis fits the hole, your in love” – beta males everywhere
it’s not even that, its more:
“if you get any kind of reciprocated attraction from the opposite sex whilst experiencing a dry streak, you’re in love” -beta through gamma
QUOTE THATCH: “I had finally banged my first chick, and I was in love. Real love, too. I’m talking about the fervent kind of love that can only be experienced by a man who is scared to death that he’ll never get laid again if he loses the only girl he knows.”
I know that feeling all too well. You described it to a tee. It was also when i had my first bang. Fortunately that feeling never happens ever again, one of the advantages to being unplugged.
“Oneitis” is part of the human condition. We are hardwired to pair bond with a woman. “Love” or “she is the one” is merely the end expression of a complex emotional, hormonal, and involuntary mental actions. This is true for what I think is 98% of humans. The remaining 2% are the ones that go on to be great conquerers, serial killers, kings, and sociopaths.
Sooner or later you will feel the urge to pair up. It’s natural. It’s also fine. Human tend to function better in cohesive pairs anyhow. If you get the urge for an LTR or marriage that is fine. It’s part of life. Just don’t get married until your 30’s at least. Make sure you have banged at least 20 chicks (or 25 as Roosh suggests) so that you truly do understand women. Make sure the woman does not have “daddy issues” and if she does dispose of her immediately. And, go out with a woman for two years before you even start to contemplate marriage. If you follow these simple rules and do marry it will probably be just fine.
wrt the Einstein quote, you’re a bit off. emotion is different than cognition.
yes, you will live again. but I think it was anais nin who said that each time you love, you love a liitle less. so dont waste it.
The best movie ever about One-itis is 500 Days of Summer. I practically had PTSD watching that movie because it took me back to a long, brutal one-itis I had for years and years. Watching the movie I re-lived that same sense of injustice and torture.
That quote by Anais Nin — Every time you love you love a little less — is pretty rough, though I think probably true. I passed on all the chances I had to marry because I could see pretty quickly I would not be happy any of the women who were possibles. I would have married the one-itis, But I suppose I wouldn’t have been happy with her either, for a variety of reasons.
“This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.” In the end she marries one of her old flames – because fuck you Joseph Gordon-Levitt, you’re not alpha.
There is a lot of truth to Thatch’s posting, as always.
But….
There is something called histocompatibility between a man and a woman. First, why are we animals divided into two genders? The answer is so we can evolve faster than asexual predators like disease germs. By mating, we share genes and can mix and match survival traits like defenses against germs – we evolve FASTER than they they can.
Kissing allows us to test how similar our genetic complement of immunities are. If they are very similar, we are at risk of shorting our children of defenses against germs. If you and she have similar immune systems there’s no tingle in the kiss. Hence the phrase “like kissing your sister.” You and your full sister have very similar immune profiles. Kiss a woman with substantially different profiles and your pleasure lets you know your offspring will be healthier.
Even body smell has some role here – if you get turned on by her scent and vice versa, you two are histocompatible.
Getting hot for some women more than others has some biological logic. Just don’t get carried away, as Thatch notes. There are other fish in the sea – how hard you need to work to catch the right one depends to a degree on how many fish there are that you can catch.
I also find that some women’s vaginas “fit like a glove” while others are so-so. Guess which women get more attention from me.
I’ve been saying it for years: the only reason to ever get married is to procreate, and provide your offspring with a solid home environment in which to grow. Other than that, it is stupid. The strength of my conviction in this area has only grown exponentially since starting law school and seeing how men get treated in the family court system. Marriage is a horrible investment for most men, the power balance in the contract is wildly skewed.
In my experience 99% of women are fungible. I want kids, and am pretty sure I’ve got a great woman; that’s why I’m getting married. Most men don’t have the good fortune to be in my position.
“…but I know a homeless guy who’s thoroughly convinced that he’s Napoleon Bonaparte, and he seems pretty damn happy too” #FTW
*I* am the one. Not her. *I* am unreplaceable, not the girl.
If you can understand that you are almost there. The happy LTR/marriage is not impossible or a “disney” fiction. It is very real.
Why does it NOT work most of the time?
Most people who suffer from oneits are weak in soul and heart. You know you are worthless, you know you look like shit and you can not compete with your boss or even the local football guy. That is why you clinge to that plain girl, as if she was a bright star in the sky. She is not. It is your own weakness that makes her look so fine.
And here you have it – the reason for all those miserable lifes and marriages. People who can not get their shit together on their own are looking for a female to make their life easier. And big surprise – it does not work that way! Who had thought that?
What does work is always the same. Get yourself up. Get your life straight FIRST so you have some value to offer. Then and only THEN you will have the outcome independence needed for a quality relationship.
If you are a happy and fun loving man who is perfectly fine as he is, but is maybe (if the offer is good enough), considering to pair with an equaly attractive female; only then will this relationship last.
You have to understand what love is. Love is not a feeling. Love is something you do. I am married and love my wife. A few weekends ago I took our daughter to the park, she was playing with another little girl. The other little girl’s mum came up to me, introduced herself, told me her daughter’s dad was out of the picture. She was twirling her hair, seriously DTF! I am often out alone with my daughter at weekends and other people must see me as a weekend dad.
I could have had an easy bang there and then, and this is without me even approaching. If I were to approach I know I could get serious results.
I make sure I tell my wife whenever I get approached (four times in last 12 months, all single mothers). She always acts shocked, then later that evening is all about dancing up and down my pole. Pre-selection is for real.
Do not have one-itis. Know there are many other women out there who could make you happy. Make sure your significant other knows that other women would like to make you happy!
It thought I had found the “one” a few years ago. Even though she seemed fairly unstable, I overlooked it because she was very enticing sexually. She was also incredibly boring and self involved to the point of very literal psychosis. Yet oneitis persisted due to my relative lack of relationship experience and gratitude for the ability to touch a woman I was actually sexually attracted to. Although I cursed the experience at the time, she was the one who got me to finally take the red pill.