Dealing With Dangerous Game: Fatty Edition


The world we live in has many strange and interesting creatures. Some are docile and of mild temperament, others can be vicious and dangerous.  When a man goes out in the world he must be cognizant of his surroundings. He must know how to keep himself safe around dangerous animals in order to live another day.

Grizzly bears inhabit the forest, lions live on the Serengeti, and tigers hunt in the jungles of Asia. While these dangerous animals are far from the urban areas that the modern man inhabits, he should not let his guard down. There is a dangerous animal that lives in his environment. This animal is known as the “fatty”. This animal is dangerous in many ways and a man should know how to react in cases of attack.


Fatties are known to be shortsighted, irrational, and have a total lack of self control. They are somewhat immune to societal pressures but oddly, they are herd creatures. Their grazing habits are predictable and similar in addiction to any narcotic junky. They can become confrontational at any perceived slight and due to their bulk, present a lot of kinetic energy when they charge. Their cackles and hollers also have the ability to summon other fatties to cause a very damaging stampede. Utilizing these characteristics, a man can adequately prepare himself for a dangerous encounter.


Avoidance is one method to defend against fatties. While curtailing social activities to avoid fatties can be cumbersome, it is still an option. One must recognize the places and circumstances where fatties may appear and congregate. They tend to gather around food supplies and air conditioning. Places that have these features include Wal Mart, McDonald’s, and malls. The less expensive the place, the higher probability of a fatty encounter, such as a buffet or a Waffle House. A man could avoid a mauling by staying away from such places.

Obstacles are another method to defend against the wild and dangerous fatty. If one were to anger a fatty, utilizing obastacles to slow and/or stop their advance can be useful. Fatties are not known for their problem solving abilities, so the more complicated the obstacle, the more effective it will be. Examples include tables, cars, punji sticks, and anti tank ditches. WARNING: A FATTY’S BULK CAN ALLOW HER TO BREAK THROUGH MANY OBSTACLES.

Flight is another mechanism to avoid harm from a fatty attack. A man should be able to outrun a fatty over distances. He should also have the ability to out sprint a fatty. While fatties are slow and lack endurance, they have been observed in the wild sprinting at high rates of speed for very short distances. This has occurred when there is only one piece of cake left at a party and when the bouquet is thrown at a wedding reception. Also, climbing up something like a tree or a flight of stairs is an effective method to evade fatties. Be sure to select a tree with enough girth so it cannot be knocked over.

Direct engagement with fatties is another method of defending oneself. Aside from the the legal ramifications of such an act, there are many problems with this method. Fatties tend to have poor hygiene habits so physical contact can be unsanitary. Their physiology provides many unique difficulties to overcome. Their thick skull is an effective counter to blows to the head. Their bulk is a good defense against projectile weapons. While big game cartridges such as .300 Winchester magnum and .338 Lapua can put a fatty down, a man would have a difficult time explaining to a grand jury why he was packing such a weapon outside of Africa. The likely calibers a man would have on him such as 9mm, .40 and .45 lack the energy necessary to stop a charging fatty. This method is not recommended.

If avoidance and obstacles fail, a man can use the final method: distraction. If you notice a fatty stirring toward hostility, change the channel on the TV to the Food Network. If she is getting upset, tell her it’s two for one day at Chipotle. If she starts to attack, throw some food item one way and run in the opposite direction.

In summary, a man should avoid fatties. If they cannot be avoided, a man should be wary for when they become agitated. A man should be ready to react when the fatties charge and stampede.

Read Next: Why Fat Women Should Be Sent To Prison

17 thoughts on “Dealing With Dangerous Game: Fatty Edition”

  1. Always prepare for the chance of a fattie in the vicinity. A salad leaf necklace will repel most, but I find the proper use of takeaway menu fetch will distract the creature long enough to depart the contaminated area.

  2. You also should be on guard against the scavenging wolves and coyotes who feed of the scraps left by the grizzly.
    Fatties have left the carcasses of political and social injustice that provide fodder for the media coyotes, the feminist jackals, and political wolves to feed on. Without the acceptance issues fatties create, they’d go hungry.

  3. If the zombie apocalypse ever comes, the fatties will always go first:

    Yeah, fat acceptance is useless when you can’t run.

  4. Fat acceptance is useless when the zombies come:
    No amount of running will save you, poor creature.

  5. I prefer the Krispy Kreme method. Throw a donation of original KK donuts in their midst, and watch them tear each other apart to gain access to its sweet sugary diabetes riddled sustenance. They can’t help themselves; and no one tears aprt a fatty like other fatties. It is fun to watch!
    Also, the offensive gesture is enough to make them hesitate, and weep and wail. Perhaps inducing a shame filled remorse that drives them to get healthy. Or perhaps a free trip to Opera’s show being properly shamed by their great matriarch of fat-pride, product buying heaven goddess; where you won’t be invited on their future Australian Outback tour (read donut encrusted drive to the outskirts, followed by a buffet looking at healthy people scuba diving). Followed by an orgy buffet of eating male strippers.
    The fatty lifestyle is truly a vicious cycle. Have no fear though, for if they don’t get wise up, their life is punishment enough.

  6. I think you’re all a bunch of misogynistic, obnoxious and pretentious wankers 🙂 If a woman’s body offends you so fucking much then how about you be the “MASCULINE MAN” which you claim to be, and ignore them. But no, you have resorted to bitching on the internet. Oh, how very manly of you 🙂

    1. Fatties:
      * steal our tax dollars for public hospital care,
      * steal our children’s health by encouraging obesity, and
      * steal available attractive women by condoning overeating and morphing into yet more fatties.
      That’s more than enough reason to complain.
      Now go stuff your mouth with more donuts and shut the fuck up.

      1. No way have the fatties stolen me. But, if given the chance they are some very mean bitches to those of us who are thin.
        I find that by taking a healthy vegggie & lean meat lunch to work either repels them out of my office, or I end up being acused of being hoity-toity because I refuse to partake in their junk-food pot lucks at the office.

    2. I am pretty sure in the new world order I have a constitutional right to not be offended by anything I see or hear.

    1. 125 lbs. Rule of thumb to follow: At 5ft start at 100lbs. Add 5lbs for every inch over 5ft. Therefore: 5ft5″ = 100 + (5×5)

      1. I would say 3 to 5 pounds per inch over 5′ but you have more room for variance with girls who are short but curvy. The tallest girls I have dated were the same height as me (5’10”) and between 130 and 140 pounds.
        On the other hand, if they are 5’4″ or under (ie. below average by American standards) they can get away from an extra 10 pounds as long as it is on their hips and chest.
        Bone structure and musculature plays a factor. I dated a competitive swimmer who was 5’4″ and 140, but you wouldn’t know it to look at her in street clothes. She had a tiny waist but carried a lot of muscle mass on her back and chest (lats and pecs) with the rest being distributed over her arms, glutes and legs generally.
        Based on BMI (which is largely a crock of shit for various reasons) the normal range for someone 5’5″ is anything over 110 but under 150.

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