Sometimes you just have to choke a bitch. And that’s just one of many physical talents you’ll need to fuck a girl properly. These talents call on practically every part of your body – you’d need several exercises, if not several workouts, to cover each one.
I had done a Starting Strength style workout for some time, and it gave me a good strength base. I never veered beyond it for long. But I’d get winded from doing anything for more than ten reps. I had strength, but using it for any amount of time would leave me exhausted – it was like having a gas guzzling V8 engine with a half gallon fuel tank. I’d get winded during sex if I went at it hard, and it was bumming me out. And when I’d get physically exhausted, it’d be harder to keep an erection, especially with a rubber on (hypothetically speaking of course). And the very nature of sex impedes a linear progression that any good gym workout has. I needed something that would boost my muscular endurance, so I could fuck for longer.
Turns out there’s one exercise that covers all your bases when it comes to good hard fucking: the kettlebell hip swing. Instead of describing in detail what the exercise is, I’ll post a demonstration, originally embedded on Bret Contreras’ article on kettlebell swings.
You use your hips like a hinge to swing a weight back and forth, from behind your legs to chest height or higher. The kettlebell hip swing works several sets of muscles in the body all at once. If you pick a weight that’s challenging enough, you’ll feel the benefits rather quickly. Think of it as a standing kettlebell hip thrust, because you thrust your glutes forward to propel the bell up and out. I don’t presume to be any expert, but professional ass-man Contreras says the woman above has excellent form.
Benefits
It’s like sex – The unique thing about the swing is the direction of force: you’re thrusting FORWARD. You are basically humping your hips forward and through to get the weight up. The exercises that everyone loves to recommend, like the squat and the deadlift, have a vertical plane of motion. Considering that you’ll be fornicating forward for the most part, the kettlebell swing resembles sex far more than those squats, deadlifts, snatches or cleans ever will. None of those exercises feature a thrust that is anything like sex. The low bar squat or back squat comes closest, but it’s still miles away from primal thrusting.
Generally when fucking in any position, 80-100% of your motion is horizontal relative to your body, and 0-20% of it is vertical. The kettlebell swing is similar – the vast majority of your hips’ movement during the swing is horizontal, with a small but notable vertical component. The kettlebells we’re talking about can range from 35 lbs to 200+ lbs (16kg to 96+kg).
The more a lift resembles something you do in real life, the more natural it will feel, and the more beneficial it will be in your life outside the gym. Plus, the odds of injury will be much lower, and you won’t need complicated, expensive instruction on how to do it properly. The kettlebell swing is something you already do, every time you get in bed with a woman.
Choke Grip – swinging a 40+ lb weight for several hundred reps will give your grip muscles a nice workout – especially when you start going up in weight on the kettlebell. I’ve only just got to the point where my grip is getting to be a limiting factor, and only when I go for high reps. Kettlebells give you a good endurance grip workout that’s hard to get from other lifts. There’s farmer walks of course, but it can be a bitch to maneuver around a gym with 100 lb (45 kg) dumbbells in each hand. Plus the swing does so much more at the same time.
Glute Recruitment – if you don’t already know how, heavy kettlebell swings WILL teach you how to fuck. With a heavier bell, you just can’t get the weight up unless you are thrusting your ass forward. You will have to contract your glutes and clench your butt cheeks together to get that heavy bell to reach the top of the swing – and that’s what good sex feels like too.
Flexibility – I have probably never done a conventional deadlift properly. I had always written off stretches as gay and lame because I was lazy. I never got the flexibility in my lower back and hamstrings to do them properly, but I did them anyway.
I don’t recommend that, as you put yourself at great risk of injury if you lift without the requisite flexibility. But the kettlebell is a harsh, instructive mistress – I felt significant tension and pain in my lower back for the first workout or two, and it disappeared thereafter. Same for my hamstrings – I felt some soreness after the first couple workouts, and then it went away. Just doing the swing eased my body into greater flexibility; the swings alone will enhance your flexibility. I’m nowhere near perfect, my torso doesn’t get parallel to the ground like the woman in the video, but if your flexibility is lacking, kettlebells can be a small aid, and motivate you to do more flexibility work to get the motion right.
Listen to your nerves and don’t press yourself too hard if you feel heavy tension or pain. Rest as many days as you need to recover. But you’ll find that problems with flexibility will ease with time.
This is also why I recommend starting with a low weight for high reps, eg 25+ – it’s much safer on your joints and muscles to do a low weight for reps for a completely new exercise. If you go for a heavy weight, low rep scheme, you could injure yourself right when you’ve started.
It’s Mentally Grueling – for better or worse, swings are even hard on your mind. Doing 500 reps of anything will take its toll. Even harder is that you’ll fail in explicable ways – maybe one workout you get 300 reps with 36 kg, and the next workout you can barely get 150, even when you had all the rest you could ask for. It’s frustrating as all hell, but if you stick with it you’re guaranteed to see progress. This routinely happens to me – I’d attribute it to variations in the swinging form that make it easier or harder to get through the workout.
Variety – It sounds paradoxical to say that a single exercise offers variety. But in the short time I’ve done kettlebell swings, I’ve noticed that after almost every workout, I had a different limiting factor, a different muscle group that failed and prevented me from continuing. It could be my grip or my lower back, my cardiovascular system or my hamstrings. You’ll never really know how you’ll fail, but with adequate sleep and food, you’ll come back stronger every time.
Fat Loss – Many people tout fat loss as a primary benefit of kettlebell training. I was skeptical – I wasn’t exactly untrained, and didn’t expect any fat loss. Hell, I didn’t think I had much to lose. After starting to train with kettlebells, I lost about 4-5 pounds – it sounds like little, but for someone who’s not looking to lose weight, I had people telling me they noticed I lost weight. Over the same time frame though, I made some other changes which may have contributed, like eating more coconut oil instead of butter. I can’t pinpoint whether it was the kettlebell or the coconut oil that played the part – I’d recommend incorporating both.
Dat Man Ass – I already had a meaty ass, so this is a non-issue for me. But some guys are a little lacking in that department. I always found it odd that bodybuilders, a group obsessed with making every muscle as big as possible, would glaringly ignore the biggest muscle in the body – and the one essential to athleticism. They were probably worried everyone would think they were homosexual – I hear a lot of bodybuilders actually are. Anyhow, I have a sneaking suspicion that guys who have a small, weak ass tend to be mentally and psychologically weak as well. Dudes with big strong asses are rooted men. You tend to know where they stand on things. The assless are spineless, and heavy swings will help you build strong roots. And it’ll boost your swagger (skip to 37:50):
Spreading The Big Booty Gospel – Once you’ve gotten a big ass yourself, your immediate next step is to acquire a big-assed woman or three for yourself. Now that you’ve gained some proficiency with the kettlebell swing, it’s time to get preaching. Sing the swing’s praises, and get your girls on your program. Fuck Brazilian blowouts, it’s time for your bottom bitch to get that Bunda Brasileira. Make her homepage http://bretcontreras.com/, home to the world’s foremost expert on ass hypertrophy. Set one of the photos of Jen Selter, pictured here, as the wallpaper on her phone to give her dat ass envy.
Endurance – if you’re used to just lifting weights, there’s a good chance you have weak endurance. I did. There are a lot of ways to get a great endurance workout, notably high intensity interval training (HIIT), or short bouts of intense exercise – and kettlebell swings is one great option. Considering all the other benefits, if you were already doing a bit of endurance work, the swing can take its place.
Posture – I won’t presume to know how exactly your lower back works, so I won’t try. But the dynamic motion of the swing, where you’re moving your body in a natural arc (remember, it’s like fucking) lends itself to a stronger lower back and improved posture.
Programming
I started with a rep scheme based on Dan John’s 10,000 swing workout – start with a pyramid sequence of swings:
10 swings + rest
15 swings + rest
25 swings + rest
50 swings + rest
I liked this one because the high rep scheme resembles sexual activity much more than a low rep scheme would. Experiment with rest periods of different duration between sets and sequences. Personally, I don’t concern myself with specific rest times – I rest until I feel ready for the next set. John recommends doing exercises between each set of swings, but I wanted to really focus on the swings, so I do other exercises after I’m totally finished with the swings.
Lately though, I’ve been doing more lifting, and cut down the kettlebells. Instead, I’ll do a set or two of 25-50 reps for the heaviest bell I can manage, at the end of my workout. It’s hard to find kettlebells heavy enough to make a low rep scheme effective anyway (eg 300 lb kettlebells), so you’ll have to confine yourself to high rep sets. Track your progress in a notebook or an app like Jefit and try to do more each workout. If your gym doesn’t have a good set of kettlebells, you can use a dumbbell instead, buy one, or build your own.
Get swinging!
Read More: All Girls Like Rough Sex
dat ass
Hmm. This may be the best selling point for kettlebells I’ve seen yet.
you should get into advertising, brilliant endorsement.
Kettlebells…I dunno. I’ve never seen a construction worker or anyone else who performs this movement in real life come away with “dat ass”. Maybe as an augment to a regular exercise routine, but I don’t trust anything demonstrated by women in tights.
Women in tights also do things like yoga, juice vegetables and eat healthy. I don’t know bro, you might want to stay away from those.
Just to be safe, you know. People might not think you’re a construction worker.
Personally, I wear a hard hat everywhere just so no one ever questions whether I have the potential to be a construction worker.
…jeeezus. Want some cranberry juice? Y’know, since you’re on your period and all.
Oh you mad.
…not as mad as the kabala-bracelet brutha trying to choke out a fuck doll, but hey, its your werld, mr. steen.
Hell yeah. Beef thread.
Google “Ivan Denisov.” Women in tights, indeed.
Seems to be good enough to get my girlfriend an amazing ass. I’ll stick to oly lifting.
I had to choke a bitch once, she asked me. I did not like it.
Buble butt = feminine
Tell that to the bubble butt nose tackle who outruns you, crushes you, and sends that to the hospital. Or the bubble butt police officer who beats the shit out of you. Or any pro powerlifter/bodybuilder. Or Elliot Hulse, Kali Muscle, Ronnie Coleman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Jay Cutler. See how long you last with your chicken legs.
Oh Look! It’s the Jew Prick Emmanuel GoldFuckingStein again writing another article about his disdain for Goy women and how he wants to choke them and shit.
“A Jew may do to a non-Jewess what he can do. He may treat her as he treats a piece of meat. Hadarine, 20, B; Schulchan Aruch, Choszen Hamiszpat 348”
Piss off from RoK you Grabbler piece of shit
spit that Jewish flow
Sicker than the holocaust
Dat muthafuckin jewish flow
That Auschwitz sick, gas chamber kinda shit
Now I got german bitches all up on ma dick
Das dat jewish flow
Lil Pricky is obsessed with dicks. I guess Jewish guys are really into that stuff.
So now, I understand.
I’m sure he’d like to throttle all bitches equally. 😀
Im guessing you nwver read Orwell…
This.
I thought he was the character from 1984 until now. Apparently he is a kike.
Kettlebells are great.
You don’t know shit about working out. Read some Mike Mentzer and do not give workout ideas out that you know jack shit about. It makes you look immature.
I don’t know if this Mike Mentzer is gay, but if he is, I’m sure he’d appreciate you more with some hip thrusting in your gym regimen.
Yeah Mike Mentzer. Now there’s a role model for you to follow. An amphetamine junkie that ended up in the looney bin a number of times who advocated drinking his own piss for its “health benefits”. So busy was he quoting Aym Rand, he neither found the time in his twilight years to either get laid nor workout. He died, fat and miserable at the ripe old age of 49.
No thanks.
Mentzer took massive amounts of roids, but some of his stuff worked. Specifically, the tons of reps really slow thing does the job, but the training frequency is just too low. Unless you’re on roids. A study showed that you can make 7 pounds of muscle in 10 weeks sitting on your ass if you take roids- compared to 4 pounds if you work out naturally, none if you don’t do shit natty, and 11 if you work out on roids. Yeah…good if you’re on gear though.
“Sometimes you just have to choke a bitch.”
LMAO. It’s pretty much guaranteed that Manboob David Futrelle will cover this article. Can’t wait to see that one. I wonder what outrageous article will finally blow a blood vessel in that fat skull of his. Perhaps we could start a little jackpot fund to give to the writer that finally pulls it off.
‘Goldstein advocates patriarchy by telling men to strangle women while doing that dirty activity I cannot name’.
Rows have been the best for me. As Chris Jones would say, “rows for the hoes!”
I was banging this Chinese spinner a while back, and noticed that I really felt it in my lats when I was hitting it doggystyle. The sex that I’ve had since I’ve been hitting the gym regularly is much, much better than the lousy thrusts that I was slanging before.
uhh………….. i dunno what to say here
Good article, nice asses and hilarious opening picture.
First time I finally did it and lost my virginity, I ran out of fucking breath. It felt worse than running a 2.4km run. After that, I started hitting the gym and did a lot of HIIT training plus squats as well. Seems like I should add kettlebar training into my workouts as well. Great article!
Coming Up Next: CROSSFIT lol
I do admit KB swings can be a motherfucker if you’re out of shape.
Let’s not forget about glute bridges with a barbell. Doing 315lbs for reps makes lifting a cute little girl a piece of cake.
Yeah I’ve been experimenting with these, but they can be tricky to set up and get acclimated with them. Long-term, I barbell thrusts/bridges are a great choice for really strong thrusting, for maximum power production. For extended thrusting, heavy-ish kettlebells for reps is a good choice and a decent replica of sex.
You don’t max out on kettlebells, you just keep doing more reps and harder circuits.
“Dat ass” is mostly genetics. If you’re comfortable enough with your heterosexuality check out the backs of white football players with back ones (same positions of course). There is a stark difference. Same with sprinters both male and female.
Black not back.
Maybe so, but genetics is potential, and most guys don’t reach or even try to reach their potential. Every guy you see on the field is probably pretty close to his potential.
Assman Bret Contreras said somewhere his ass is a full 5 inches bigger than his brother’s. Mine grew four to five inches too – not from kettlebells, but a starting strength style workout and gaining a lot of weight from a skinny start. I have plenty of lovely suits I have zero hope of fitting into, and jeans off the rack will gape at the waist and be tight around the hips.
Good one, Emmanuel. I like to keep a kettlebell sitting out somewhere where it’s always in sight. Whenever I’ve got some down time I pick it up and do swings.
Of course there are a million different exercises you can do with the kettlebell, but the swing is simple and effective once you have the technique down.
Yeah if you were really into a girl and she claimed she didnt have time to exercise, you could buy/lend her a 40-50 lb kettlebell to do 5 minute workouts, if she’d actually do them. Muscles besides the ass and thighs are pointless on a girl, so all she’d need to do is swings anyway.
While I realize that kettle bells are optimal, can one substitute a dumbbell of equivalent weight w/o losing too much?
You’ll probably have to use less weight because it will be more awkward, but you can do it. Check the link at the end on how to make your own using plates.
I don’t give a shit what the chick likes.
I bang her and move on.
So I’m at a french strip joint a couple of months ago and I take a tiny late20s/early30s thing in the back room and she’s sitting on my thighs, hands on my left thigh and knees on my right thigh, her ass arched high in the air, begging me to slap her, so I slap her and I like it, she begs for it harder and I slap her harder and she loves it, she starts rubbing my dick so I start rubbing her clit, she tries to push my hand away but I overpower her and my finger stays glued to her clit and she likes it, she goes down and bites my cock through my dress pants, so I throttle her neck and push her down into my crotch and she doesn’t move until I allow her to do so, and she loves it, she says “I like you, you’re different!”, I say, “I like you, you’re different!”, we DFK, I promise to come back, haven’t been back since I got sober.
Sobriety is shit. I’m going back! 😀
Nice exercise find.
Those big old buttcheeks will turn to cellulite quick enough.
Everything in proportionate moderation.
am i the only one who finds the chicks in the pictures kinda disgusting? keep your badonkadonks, gimme a thin waist and small ass anyday!
” am i the only one who finds the chicks in the pictures kinda disgusting?”
Yes.
Damn straigh bro, if you want a disgusting fat ass go ghetto.
It prolly actually gay. No lie. Just admit it to yourself and shit will get easier. That or you’re a chick.
TITS OR GTFO
dat broad with the green shoes..damn !
The vid was semi bad. Watch some Steve Cotter instructional or anybody who has a respected name in the kettlebell business to learn about form.
Kettlebells in general are a great workout tools, easy to keep at home, doesn’t need big space to practice with it. And doing the basics can keep you busy for a while. I love to work with them besides going to the gym.
Sorry, but no thanks. This shit looks ridiculous.
Do some cardio if you can’t fuck for more than 10 minutes. The gym is for real lifts, not pussy kettlebell hip swings. What in the flying fuck?
Yeah..
Walk iintoany fight gym with that attitude. KB exercises help train muscles for dynamic movement.
KB swings and the russian twist train the most important hinge in the kenetic chain for launching punches and kicks.
Sounds like you live in constant fear of how other people perceive you. You’re in a prison of your own making.
There is no better excercise than kettlebell lifts and swings. If used correctly kettlebells can melt the fat off your body in record time, build great endurance and stamina, and get you more strength than you thought possible. They will increase your performance in all excercises and physical trials. They were and are the standard by which all excercise are measured in the Russian military. Tell me, when is the last time you saw a Russian man that was a pussy. Try doing kettlebell swings for 5 minutes and see how smoked you get. Your heart will be racing faster than a full on sprint. If you are starting out with kettlebells, you do not train with them. You practice with them. It is extremely important to get your form down correct. It is recommended that you practice kettlebell swings and snatches for 3-4 weeks, thirty minutes a day, three to four days a week along with your regular excercise routine until you get your form down correct. They combine weightlifting and cardio in one excercise. They can strengthen bad shoulders and bad backs. Your thighs glutes and hamstrings will ache but you will become a better athlete by far. They’ve started to catch on in America and that’s a good thing.
Lol… Degenerate kikes and niggers, go figure… I’ll do it for you: The two go hand in hand. You might as well go read the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and wise up to these treacherous acts; The greatest betrayers of civilization, now openly claiming this website as a haven! If you have basic mental faculties intact, the irony is explicit.
You say ‘bodybuilders’ don’t work out their asses, but that’s really just immature guys in the gym. Ronnie Coleman, Dexter Jackson, and basically every IFBB pro has a huge ass built from squats, deadlifts, and other compound movements. The immature guys in the gym lack this because they only want to work arms. These are the guys who raw bench more than they squat. They aren’t bodybuilders, even though that’s what they think they are. They’re just curl monkeys. They can push stuff, but they’ll topple over if anyone pushes them!
I liked this one because it resembles sexual activity. I love combining high rep sets. That That t-nation workout is amazing is amazing. http://www.getrippedordietrying.com
Good lord, everybody goes bananas over this kettlebell swing thing. I think it’s fine and all but extremely overrated. Stick to your bar compound exercises people and bodyweight stuff much more than kettlebells.
Tim Ferriss also was big into the kettlebell . . . except that he was into them because he needed help with his role as a Power Bottom bitch.