When Jethro Exposed The Computer Simulation We’re Living In

“Remember when you spawned Hitler?” Fodos asked.

“Remember?” Ghartek replied. “That was the highlight of my career! But it almost crashed the simulation.”

“What I loved about it is how you weaved Biblical themes into Hitler’s actions. It really scared the Jews.”

“Wait until we give Israel to Iran in the next update. The Persian empire must rise again!” Fodos laughed.

“Hey watch this,” Ghartek said, “I’m going to mess with this guy by vanishing his orange toothbrush.” Ghartek made a couple clicks on his display and then somewhere in Siberia, a man couldn’t find his toothbrush, no matter where he looked.

“He’s checking the door to see if someone came in to steal it.” Ghartek smirked, pleased at his work.

Both Fodos and Ghartek were senior programmers on Bethlabus, a planet where a race of hyper-intelligent species called Homo futurans lived. They shared human genetic ancestry with those living in a simulation that they controlled, though technically the connection was only virtual. Real Homo sapiens died out long ago, following in the footsteps of their Homo erectus and Homo neanderthalensis ancestors. Futurans created the simulation to better understand their roots and their future, with a goal to prevent their own extinction. The simulation itself was housed on a quantum computer the size of a city block.

While there were dozens of simulations in operation, Simulation Earth was the most interesting. Not only was it the longest, spanning over 5 billion years, but it seemed to mirror what Futurans knew about their own past of spurts and stops in evolution that seemed to be a microcosm of the rise and fall of human empires. Data from the simulation was continually analyzed with reports presented yearly to the public through academic papers and conferences. “If we understand our past, we will safeguard our future,” the motto went.

The most important fact they learned from the simulations is the universal difficulty of intelligent organisms to properly foresee and plan again long-term disasters.  Once a species gets too technologically advanced, their over-confidence in problem solving and fixing the environment actually accelerates their demise instead of retarding it.

All previous simulations with more intelligent beings than humans invariably ended in self-annihilation. One notable method of extinction was when one species created a black hole on their own planet from a physics experiment gone terribly wrong. Once the black hole took hold of the coffee shop across the street from the laboratory, none of the planet’s 34 billion inhabitants had even a chance to bid farewell to each other.

One important innovation that allowed for these simulations was the ability to disconnect real time from simulated time, meaning that one million simulated years could take only a matter of months in Futuran time. The most recent advance allowed simulated time to be contracted or expanded in vivo instead of being locked in with a preset value. The simulation could be fast-forwarded through boring parts when nothing was really going on or put in slow motion during the exciting bits. World War 2, for example, was watched in real time by the Futuran programmers. They worked overtime to see what would happen when humans were taken to the brink of their destruction.

Ghartek arrived home from work and sat at the dinner table with his wife. “How was your day, honey?”

“It started off amusing,” Ghartek explained, “but then there was an Awareness Incident.”

“Another glitch?” she asked.

“Not quite. I was messing around with this guy by vanishing his toothbrush. I thought he’d go mentally insane or just blame rats, but instead he got really shook up and started reading materials about computer simulation theory.”

“Uh oh.”

“Yeah, now he seems convinced that Earth is a simulation. And get this: he has a popular blog.”

“A blog?”

“Yeah it’s like a feed screen. He gathered up papers on computer simulations and wrote about it to his audience.”

“I thought you were supposed to hide the fact to humans that they live in a simulation,” she wondered politely.

“And that’s why I was reprimanded today and have to work extra hours over the weekend.”

“A human got the better of you?” she smiled.

Ghartek furrowed his unibrow. “You can’t underestimate humans. Some are crafty. But let’s just say that I have some intense experiences in store for the orange toothbrush man so that he veers towards God as an explanation for existence instead of computer simulation. Whenever we identify someone who is about to blow the lid on things, we make miracles happen to them so they go religious. It works every time, but I still have to be careful who I troll. I think for laughs I’ll just go back to making men accidentally sleep with their wives’ sisters. It’s much safer.”

“You don’t think it’s a little mean to do that?”

“Mean to give humans extra sex? They’re slaves to it! All they think about is sex, especially the males, but we’ve been able to harness that drive into building a rudimentary civilization.”

“How about we go in the bedroom and build some civilization right now?” His wife kissed his horn and brushed her claw against his leathery face. Ghartek’s one-inch Futuran erection instantly formed and he rolled her into the bedroom for lovemaking.

The next day at work, Ghartek and Fodos attended the weekly project meeting of the Earth simulation. Ghartek began the briefing. “Russia continues to flex her muscles, but nothing noteworthy to report. Last week we spawned a potential genocidal maniac in Germany to be ready for use in thirty Earth years, just in case.”

“Germany, again?” his boss asked.

Ghartek replied, “Well we wanted him to be from a place that the world would least expect. If it turns out that we don’t need him, we can halt his reign of terror by just giving him an advanced video game system. He’ll lose interest in murderous domination within a few months.”

“Speaking of evil, how is our epic battle for the fate of human civilization going?”

“Pretty good,” Ghartek replied. “On the forces of evil our roster is Barack Obama, Angela Merckel, David Cameron, and Benjamin Netanyahu. They’re already itching for wars across the planet.”

“And on the forces of good?”

“Our lineup is Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Bashar al-Assad, Kim Jong-un, and the Ayatollah.”

“Now you were telling us something about a plot twist?”

“We studied Hollywood and noticed that humans like being surprised about their heroes. Everyone will think that Obama, Cameron, Merckel, and Netanyahu are on the forces of good, but they’re actually worse than Hitler. The people they think are evil will—if our prediction models are correct—end up saving mankind in World War 3.”

“And what if our models are not correct, and our future genocidal maniac can’t right the ship?”

“Then we lose Europe. If we lose Europe, we lose humanity. The simulation ends.” Managers looked at each other nervously. Ghartek added, “There is some hope that the Indians and Chinese will step up to the plate and herald a civilization that becomes even greater than the West.” The room erupted in laughter. “Yeah, right, Ghartek,” someone snorted.

“Can we give Trump and Putin more power boosts?”

“We already gave them all known power boosts,” Ghartek replied. “If we give them any more, we’ll enter miracle territory.”

“Speaking of miracle, is our Hail Mary option loaded into the system?”

“Which one?” Ghartek asked.

“The only one that matters, goddamnit!”

“The Second Coming of Christ? Yes that is loaded, but sir you have to understand that the simulation is over once we put Jesus back. According to the New Testament…”

“Yes I know what’s in the New Testament—my father had a hand in writing it. Look, if we’re going to lose the simulation, we’re putting in Jesus. At least we’ll get rigorous data on what degenerate humans do in the presence of their Almighty Lord. It’s possible we can use such a figure to save ourselves in case we experience a cataclysmic decline.”

A man entered the room and approached Ghartek, speaking rapidly into his ear cone for nearly a minute. Ghartek remained seated with a troubled look on his face.

“What is it, Ghartek?”

“My associate just informed me that a human has discovered a recurring glitch.” Of all the things that could destroy the simulation, the most severe was a glitch that could be reproduced.

Ghartek continued, “A man in Savannah, Georgia named Jethro discovered that if he flushes his toilet  in a specific way, the water twirls above it instead of in the bowl. News crews have already filmed the glitch and it’s becoming the most viral video known to man.” The room went silent.

“Can we pause the simulation until we figure out what to do?”

“The shut-it-down technology wasn’t yet implemented for this simulation, only for the ones that started after it. I told my assistant to time-constrict the simulation so that one Earth minute is the same as one minute on Bethlabus. That should give us some time to shape the outcome.”

Ghartek excused himself from the meeting to monitor the events unfolding on his workstation. He zoomed in to Jethro’s house and saw more than two dozen news vans crowding around. A long line of cameramen snaked through his house to his toilet bowl. There, Jethro was explaining how he discovered the recurring glitch.

“I went into the bathroom the other day to do my business. I sat down on the bowl and then started watching videos on my tablet. I’ve done this before and nothing weird happens. Then the other day, after I finished, I got up and flushed the toilet. Lo and behold, the toilet water raised to my eye level. It spun around as if it were still in the toilet, and then disappeared down through it. I tried to do it again but it didn’t work, until I found out that I had to watch a specific video on maximum sound. I watch the video for one minute, stand up, flush the toilet, and then it happens.”

Before Jethro demonstrated the glitch, a reporter asked him which video he had to watch. Without hesitation he replied, “Amy’s amazing anal adventures volume thirty four.” Jethro then sat on the toilet, pulled up the video of Amy, maximized the sound, got up after exactly one minute, flushed the toilet, and there it was, spinning water elevated above the toilet bowl. Three cameramen jostled for position to get the best footage of the glitch. Once the toilet emptied, Jethro escorted them out and invited additional news crews to see the glitch themselves.

Ghartek immediately recognized the glitch as a holdover bug from when the television program was released in the human 20th century. It had incompatibilities with the water physics program if used in close proximity. The programmers at the time didn’t give it priority because humans didn’t watch television in the bathroom, but the advent of tablets made the bathroom a multimedia entertainment center. One-time glitches were easy to discount, but a recurring glitch could spell the end of the simulation if humans no longer believed they were organic life forms.

As word of the glitch spread, other humans were able to recreate it using the same “Amy’s amazing anal adventures” video. Ghartek became furious that it had yet to be patched, causing his alien head to turn a bright purple. He released his anger on a junior level programmer: “Fix this glitch now, motherfucker!” The glitch was repaired on the second day, but not before videos of the bug spread throughout the world.

Too many humans saw firsthand that that the laws of physics could be broken in a consistent way. Computer simulation theorists had their day in the sun, making appearances on all media channels to confirm that humans indeed lived in an artificial world. Even Amy became famous, and was soon offered a trip to Dubai to celebrate with wealthy princes and sheikhs. She eagerly accepted.

“I don’t believe we got this far in the simulation without having a pause or rollback feature,” Ghartek lamented to his colleagues. “We were doing so well. We were about to serve the ultimate test to humanity in a wonderful narrative that would have given them hope for centuries had they survived it, but now it’s all ruined thanks to Jethro’s toilet bowl. I’m going home early. When I come back tomorrow, I expect it all to be over.”

Ghartek reminisced about his work on humans. He was there when Newton uncovered the physical laws. He was there when controversial power boosts were first tested on Alexander the Great, the first time Futurans played God in the simulation. And he was there when twerking took America by storm, the result of a catastrophic glitch in the dancing algorithm. The simulation felt like his own baby, one that he was guiding into a purposeful end where the human species would recognize their own flaws and dedicate themselves to anything but their own self-satisfactions and wants, but now a programming error was bringing his life’s work to an end.

Ghartek slumped into work the next day, ready to bring back Jesus. Fodos greeted him. “Hey Ghartek, my man! Our simulation is safe!”

“What do you mean?”

“Kanye West, Jay Z, Beyonce, and Kim Kardashian just died in a plane crash. The whole world is stricken with equal amounts of grief and joy.”

“But don’t they know that Kim Kardashian’s butt was a simulation? Why do they care?”

“Come on Ghartek, don’t tell me that you already forgot the basic principles of human psychology. Even though they know it’s a simulation, they can’t help but feel consciousness and states that seem real to them. In the past two days they’re still eating, shitting, talking, fucking, working, crying. Sure, many believe the Earth is a simulation, but they don’t want it to end because they are still confined by a programmed desire to keep existing.”

“But the toilet water was so convincing.”

“The conspiracy theorists are taking care of it. They are spreading memes that it was special effects and that the media is on board with the globalists to scare humanity into accepting a one-world government. They’re actually convincing people that our programming glitch is a way for the elite to control the world through Freemasonry and Kabbalah.”

Ghartek replied, “I guess the ones who believe they are simulated are really no different from the atheists. They know the world is meaningless and random but want to continue living in it anyway.”

“Exactly. The toilet glitch will be forgotten by most humans in a week. Actually, an interesting development is that the glitch is being harnessed by the religious. They’re stating that it’s a sign by their God, and so we predict church attendance to skyrocket. It looks like people are committing more to the simulation than ever.”

“And what is the status of the Islamic migrants to Europe?”

“They’re still invading in massive numbers. War is coming! Whoooooo!”

Ghartek was relieved. For all the years he has been working on the Earth simulation, he was still unable to put himself in the shoes of a far more inferior being than himself. He severely overestimated the capacity of humans to think clearly about their own nature. In a way, he pitied them and their seemingly insatiable need for ignorance and falsehoods.

Humans were certainly a technologically advanced species, but in spite of that they still avoided the truth of their own reality, even when they witnessed it firsthand. Yet other earthly animals with more acute vision and hearing like owls, lions, and dogs were dominated and subjugated by these myth-seekers. It almost seemed to Ghartek that a prerequisite of an advanced species is that of submission, not to a superior power, but to comforting lies and illusions.

One Earth year later, the simulation was smoothly chugging along. Civil war erupted in Italy between the local nationalists and ruling establishment. Both Russia and the United States prepared for war through their proxies in the Middle East that would undoubtedly involve tactical nuclear weapons. While the possible destruction of the Earth by humans was not entirely a favorable outcome to simulation managers, it removed all awareness in the humans that they were nothing but inconsequential bits and bytes in a massive computer mainframe.

In the middle of the raging Italian Civil War, Fodos was in the office watching a human orgy take place in Brazil when Ghartek caught up on events in the United States. He began laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Fodos asked.

“Time magazine just named Amy as their Person Of The Year for being the most sexually objectified woman of the world. Her courage to face a ‘lightning storm of terrorist misogyny’ was called ‘the bravest act of the century.’”

“Bombs are about to rain down on their cities and they glorify a porn actress? I just don’t get humans.”

“It’s a paradox, really. They are the stupidest and smartest beings at the same time. Hey look there in the Middle East, Fodos.” Ghartek pointed at the right side of his screen. “They’re warming up the nukes.”

This story was originally published as “The Simulation” on Roosh V.

Previous Story: Big Bertha’s Satisfaction

192 thoughts on “When Jethro Exposed The Computer Simulation We’re Living In”

    1. Alex Jones is sometimes right. But he is a little too rough and that kills the seriousness. Besides, he runs a business of catastrophe products… He can’t play it pink

        1. I still prefer “inaccurate” or “overblown” over plain machiavellian. As long as you keep a critical attitude and don’t accept someone’s sayings as facts simply because “X” is saying so…
          Ok, so Alex Jones capaigning against vaccines is dumb. Nonetheless, he still covers Trump and the immigrant crisis in Europe more accurately than 90% of our mainstream (liberal) media.

        2. can’t knock your preferences my friend. I just got burnt out a long time ago on conspiracy theories and the tinfoil hat type stuff. remember when I was younger, I read “behold a pale horse” you couldn’t tell me I didn’t know some secret shit that no one else knew lol. but once I looked into william cooper, I felt silly for believing any of it.

        1. Jezebel doesn’t even know what the fuck it is. I have gone there in the past, wanting to be amused by some triggered feminist article, only to find it was full of celebrity gossip like a tabloid magazine. I go today and it’s stories are “Amazon is having a massive swimwear sale,” “California is rolling back its water restrictions” and “an EgyptAir flight has vanished.”
          Part of me thinks it is just a schizophrenic female CEO with a short attention span that just writes whatever stream of consciousness thing pops into her lizard brain, and part thinks this is wise manipulation of their female readership, always “keeping them guessing” as if they are gaming them with articles.

      1. Somewhere a number of sandwiches went unmade & unserved due to her time spent reading this article..

        1. Shit, thought it might work. Let’s just wait and see how it plays out. Maybe she’ll back off when confronted with her own fire…Usually works like a charm.

        2. plan b. Tell her you are, for the time being, identifying as a lesbian wombat trapped in the body of a man, then claim you are triggered.

        3. a native American indian lesbian wombat….as a native American indian lesbian you are forced to work in a 7-11 with all the o

        4. FUCK YEAH!
          Privilege
          Your privilege level is SHITLORD with a score of 240
          Want to save your score? Please to Facebook.
          PRIVACY NOTICE: CheckMyPrivilege.com does not collect your EMail address and we will never send you spam.

        5. I am a shit lord too, but with a 240 so I imagine my fiefdom of shit is either larger, on more fertile lands or I am closer in relation to the shit king.g

        6. I got so enraged and triggered when the gender question only had 3 answers I could barely finish! But score is 220!

        7. OMG, like stop man spreading wih your result SHITLORD.
          Dafuq did you get 240 when my best fake score was 200?

        8. I answered all questions honestly with one exception. I had to approximate job. I am a corp exec but that wasn’t an option so I went with investment banker because the lifestyle fit and prestige is roughly the same or at least more similar than the other jobs offered.
          My junk has its own center of gravity drawing in watering mouths as my man spread grows.

        9. Who knew being tall and white made you more of an asshole? I thought everyone wanted to be tall and white… The entire quiz was such a joke, if you trolled it and picked horrible answers (I’m ugly, I’m unemployed, I’m stupid) I’m sure you’d get an “acceptable” result.

      1. place near me has the sushi you eat off of naked women. I am dying to do it.

        1. See, I don’t think I would have a boner. I think that you would just grow used to it.
          Place near me makes it dinner for 8. Very expensive. I feel like after the initial “hehhehheh” wore off you would just be having dinner with a bunch of guys and the fact that you are eating off of a naked woman would just be background.

        2. I always want to try a bunch of Japanese shit. For instance, I would love to do a Japanese table shower and bath where they clean you. Problem is, I can never find one that isn’t hookers. I want the real deal.

        3. I’ve only read about it online.
          Pretty much just a front for whore houses I suspect. However, I have the feeling that it was a legitimate way that nobles would be washed back in a feudal world that made sense. To be fair, I might just be imagining that.

        4. yeah…I can actually feel him furling his brow and trying to engage his tiny little brain for a come back.

        5. I’m close to the city, I would totally get in on that dinner with you, and I have a few boys who would definitely want in on it.
          Secondly, you need to go to Japan for that. Cinemax has an adult series called Skin to the Max where they travel around the world and one of the episodes was on that very thing (season 1 episode 5 – Tokyo/Toronto). Wash and then sex. This business man had the privilege of two pretty tasty Japs. I dare say it’s a pretty cool series with major cities featured around the world.

        6. Yes but I’m not sure I could get over the fact that other dudes were on that inflatable bed. It’s ironic because I don’t care if I fuck a girl another guy has cum all over, but the bed just seems unsanitary

        7. If you had to choose between living in a tent in the midle of the forest alone with a harem of 100 very attractive women for the rest of your life, vs living celibate in the most confortable new york appartment you can think of, what would you choose ?

        8. thought that was banned in the big town a few years ago? Glad you changed that thumbnail btw

        9. False dilemma: It’s impossible to “live in the most comfortable NY appartment” and NOT getting laid everyday.
          Having said this… forrests have poisonous animals, mosquitoes, and you can’t have food, a place to sleep, etc.

        10. I’m going to Paris next month… I am not that aware of what’s happening. Is it still the new work legislation’s thing?

        11. There are odd rules about it but of course some people find ways around it. Ads for it everywhere

        12. You are right on both counts. Living in a two bedroom along the park has poon written right into the lease. False dichotomy.
          Even in a world where having an amazing apartment in NYC didn’t mean you weren’t gasping for breath underneath a huge pile of poon, being a shut in ala Howard Hughes in luxury Manhattan would be better than being dick wet pretty much anywhere else in the world

        13. Civil War in Paris…everyone stops fighting at 2 for some wine and a nap….very civil.

        14. Go to Japan? I have got to the point where unless I am getting paid I do not leave a central park adjacent location with the exception of familial obligation or Caribbean island. If it doesn’t happen between 59th and 105th it might as well be on fucking mars.
          As for a Body Sushi night….that is a distinct possibility my friend.

        15. a proper saucisson sec sandwich with butter and cornichons with a glass of really dark purple red wine to cut the flavor is, indeed, proof that civilization exists.
          To get decent saucisson sec here I need to spend $32/pound and there is only one bakery in new York where a proper baguette can be obtained afaik.
          Monsieur, for now I bide my time in NYC with occasional jaunts to islands civilized by the French to blow off steam, but I will continue to work on my eventual escape to the 8th Arrondissement and proper, civilized life.

        16. Good. people will finally open their eyes about our french leftist gov and the leftist extremists. Many will vote accordingly in 2017.

        17. Hurry up then, if Houellebecq is to be believed, the wine and saucisson will soon be replaced by heavily sugared green tea and kebabs.

        18. Wow. I am NOT a pro police guy at all, but these rioters really need to be put down, guillotine style. That was some sick antisocial shit. If you did that at any police car in the USA, you would be killed on site. Kudos to the French cops for having some restraint, and I suppose there was a huge mob versus just two guys but wow. What the hell are they even protesting?

        19. only in some places my friend, only in some places.
          But then again, in the words of Mel Brooks as King Louis consulting with the Count d’Money
          Count d’Money: Your Highness, the peasants are revolting
          King Louis: You’re right, they stink on ice.

        20. The irony is that in that video they were protesting against police brutality. More precisely they were counter-protesting a protest of the police union, which was protesting against brutality toward police police forces. All of this taking place in a series a violent riots and protests related to a change in the work legislation.

        21. Part of me admires the French rebellious spirit. Say what you will about American Independence, but if our country came out tomorrow and said we’re now working 9 hours a day instead of 8, people would bitch about it online but would all be there tomorrow at 8 AM. The French, on the other hand, tell them their lunch break is going from 90 minutes down to 85, and they would be derailing subway cars, forming posses, lobbing bricks at the department of labor offices, and causing general havoc. Although I certainly think they take it too far, I do admire the fact that they still HAVE a spirit of protest. It’s all but gone in America. And if the French want to see some real police brutality, check out some clips of American cops. I would think considering the immigrant crisis, the recent attacks, and the missing EgyptAir flight, the French people would want a strong police presence now.

        22. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t call these French, while some of the protesters are here for legitimate reasons as you said (this change in the legislation the leftist government is pushing really is terrible), most of these are rootless, cultureless marxist millenials in search of adrenalin rush, either students or loosers on welfare, playing wannabe revolutionnaries and throwing stones and explosives at family men doing their jobs, even attacking the army museum :

        23. Ah you should check out Asia once while you’re young. I promise you’ll have a good time. I understand not leaving the city, but even heading into Crooklyn to make fun of fat hipsters is always a fun past time. Keep me in the loop for body sushi! Sayanora! PS – tomorrow if the weather holds up (I know it’s out of your territory) – http://www.essexstreetmarket.com/events/

    1. it is impossible for the world to be a matrix, a mere simulation, for then kratom would not be real, and by definition kratom is the greatest possible thing, and since something that is real must necessarily be greater than something unreal then the world cannot be a simulation.

      1. The people have spoken. Roosh needs to give us more Kratom posts and stop his fanfiction. Lazy fuck.

  1. I would like to say something, apart the fact that this article contains a good message, is that if you say, even as fiction that V. Putin represents the ,,forces of good” you clearly have absolutely zero knowledge of Russian history.
    I’ll make it short:
    The Bolshevik russian revolution was made by ….
    The genocidal wars made by Russia were crafted by ….
    The current world oligarchs are ….
    The strings (of Mr. V Putin ) are at the hands of ….
    Replace the dots with whatever you like, until it ,,fits.”
    Clue- it rhymes with ”ooz.”
    Clue 2 – it could also rhyme with ”rael”.
    Clue 3 – Satan
    Nice article by the way. Could’ve introduced Kratom along there.
    Cheers !

  2. Genius. Absolutely genious story. Love the subtleness with which you convey certain messages beween the lines and the humorous twists.
    My compliments and thank you.
    As a side note, it is not at all impossible for the depicted scenario to actually describe what is happening in what we call “reality,” and why:
    https://arxiv.org/abs/1210.1847

    1. Tl;dr translation: my attention span capabilities are less than the ones of a goldfish, and I am too stupid and lazy to make any effort to improve myself in any way. I want it all DELIVERED to me instead. But hey, wait: why do I have to answer tl;dr anyway… ah errr… what was I saying?

  3. “The conspiracy theorists are taking care of it. They are spreading memes that it was special effects and that the media is on board with the globalists to scare humanity into accepting a one-world government. They’re actually convincing people that our programming glitch is a way for the elite to control the world through Freemasonry and Kabbalah.”
    – The MGTOWs decided that the toilet was a media hoax produced by the gynocracy to disorient and maintain their chokehold on men.
    – The feminists raped that the toilet should be available to trans-gendered non-binaries.
    – the alt-right was salty that the miracle toilet was found in the Savannah.
    – ROK member lolknee shared pics of pornstar Amy and was upvoted to the top. Forum members took one look at her elbows and decided Amy was overhyped. WB.
    – the Jews realized the jig is up, and finally decided to shut it down.

  4. Roosh is one of the biggest evidences that the SCUM manifesto is the most realistic book ever written

    1. You so ugly I could prob grate chese with your face! Begone wench to the filthy 3rd rate brothel from which you hail from!

        1. You have a downward facing mole with a bushel of greasy hair coming out of it!……………………….*cue sad violin music*

    2. Hahahaha! That provided for a good laugh. Valerie Solanas was a raving psychopath who would have better belonged to a mental hospital instead of being fed and pampered by males in the Chelsea Hotel build by the Patriarchy where the very males she wanted to eliminate were attending to everyone of her filthy needs. She also was a jealous b**tch who tried the notoriety card by attempting to kill Andy Warhol. No wonder “they” took her out of the simulation (after being diagnosed of schizophrenia). Try for better luck next time by talking to Ghartek, if you can find him! 🙂
      (Anyway “Nathália Borges” smells of fake just probably testing the ground and doing some provocation – jajajaja)

        1. Hahahahaha! You are really trying to be good at this aren’t you.
          Actually, no one gives a rat’s ass about Solanas(s) or Andy Warhol(e) except the ones who can make a profit out of their memory.
          That being said, NO ONE deserves to be killed unless he/she is physically trying to seriously damage or kill someone else and/or has already done so. Even in that case, restrictions apply, meaning killing is the last line of defence. If you can incapacitate or keep someone from doing harm without killing him/her it is much better. It gives one a chance to continue in the simulation and to eventually learn something about it. It’s the reason why “they” simulated even a judicial system. (Actually several of them, some better then others. Imagine what would have happened to the spoiled brat Solana if she did that under Sharia Law – well actually they would have beheaded both Warhol as well as her because one was a homo and the other a female attempting to the life of a man)!!!, LOL.

      1. After 3 comments from “Nathalia”, I am starting to think we are in the presence of:
        1. A troll
        2. A frustrated female
        3. A “male” SJW who came here to white knight against us
        Only a few more comments and I’ll tell you which one.

        1. I know…each and everyone is constantly looking for endless entertainment and distractions…. maybe it’s just a bad attempt at trying to escape the simulation, except the fact that even all entertainment and distractions are part of it does not really help the matter, does it!
          But it’s fun!

        2. 1.Everyone here is a troll,y’all use fake names.
          2.I am a happy woman
          3.Never say I’m a man because it is offensive to me,call me a piece of shit but never calls me a man.

        3. I just wanted to insult Roosh.
          But his lovers are defending him
          male love is really cute

        4. You can talk about male love with the same authority I can describe walking on the moon, sweety.

        5. 1. Fail – I understand that being possessed of a cunt you dont actualky have to do anything to get by aside from existing, and therefore evilution has not seen fit to provide you with intellect, however here is a Big Boy term Pseudonym
          that you can read about. Warning: the link does not contain pictures and comics, only words, so try not to faint.
          2. Nice try, except no woman is happy. The closest they can come to thattate is when they are being dominated.
          3. Yes, as I thought, you need to be called a piece of shit in order to feel some semblance of happiness.

        6. Darling girl, we don’t really want to know about your threesomes with your son and his best friend.

        7. the word “man” like the word “genius” or “hitler” is thrown around a bit too much…..I think sniveling cunt works better and it isn’t gender specific so the sniveling cunt in question and her faggot son probably won’t take issue with it.

        8. True. But the simple reason was I simply couldn’t be bothered to type all that out for the sniveling cunt in question.
          By the way, good to have you back!

        9. glad to be back.
          And wherever there is injustice, you will find me. Wherever there is suffering, I’ll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened you will find……never mind.

        10. So basically you failed as a parent and now you get your jollies trying to make yourself feel better by insulting a whole class of people on the interwebs.
          Heh.

        11. I have not failed as a parent
          Having a male child who does not stick his dick in female bodies makes me very proud and happy

    3. You are evidence that some people in your country, have successfully mated with vegetables…..

  5. Roosh, I’ve got to know: did your orange toothbrush ever come back to you? I still think it got sucked into a portal to a parallel universe where the Roosh of that world wondered how 2 orange toothbrushes ended up on his sink. Often these small objects will return to the place you left it at, but for some reason they don’t return until you leave the area (it happens all the time with my car keys!). Any luck?

    1. My toillet seat is always down, even when I am sure I leave it up all times. I live alone, and I have no maid. I go out of the bathroom, leave it for 10 minutes, and when I am back… down. I never heard it falling.
      Explain this.
      *not joking.

      1. I’m not sure. Was the last person who died there a female? I’m told some spirits don’t know they are dead, that’s what we hear on George Noory’s radio show but you will need an open mind for the mystic.

        1. Lol I’ve thought of that, but I doubt anyone died here, it’s a pretty new place, built 20 years ago, maximum.
          When it first happened, I thought I was losing my mind. I even photographed the toilet. But nothing else “paranormal” has ever happened.
          Even some of my girlfriends commented it: “you are always putting the toillet seat down. What a gentleman…” IT WASN’T ME 8-|

        2. I believe you, but it’s like being abducted by aliens-if we can’t prove it, it’s best to keep quiet!
          BTW I’ve never been abducted but if I were it’s like our ROK bros say, “if you don’t have pics, it didn’t happen!”

        3. I know, I am not trying to get this out of proportion, but I told you, I even took pictures with my cell phone. Up when I left, down when I was back. I even thought it could be someone pranking me, but this is happening for years, now.
          I don’t talk about it with nobody, even more because it’s a toillet seat, for God’s sake… My next step will be filming it…

        4. I must add I was always a serious disbeliever in “alien/ghost/whatever” visitations… And those people looked crazy.
          I have never seen paranormal stuff, or even strange things except for this one.

        5. More than posting the results, I want to understand what’s happening. I am strongly unwilling that this thing gets known, since I work in a very rational environment, and being deemed “obsessed with a toilet seat” would be instant checkmate.

        6. Have you seen auras taken from Kirlian photography? I imagine that would be expensive equipment to rent, but energy seems to manifest under it, such as a monk’s aura.

        7. Ya oughtta try putting it down and see if it puts itself back up. Now THAT would straight up scare the shit out of me.

        8. No, if I leave it down, it remains down. But I investigated it, of course. I stayed in the bathroom sitting in the tub for an hour or so, waiting to watch it falling. Nothing. Then, I left a roll of toillet paper stuck so that the seat couldn’t go down and went to bed. When I woke up, the roll was fallen inside the toillet and the seat was down, as always. My heartbeats raced to the roof, my hair became all erect, and I thought I should stop investigating before I actually found something I couldn’t handle.

        9. That’s some freaky shit. I lived in a house that would randomly turn my guitar amplifier on sometimes. Out of nowhere, Id hear the hum and feedback from yhe other room and I would have to go turn the damn thing off again. It didn’t happen often, but it would creep me out everytime. And I know I didn’t leave it on and forget about it because it would happen even after I hadn’t played in a couple days. Other really weird shit went on in that house.

        10. Yes, we can only understand these “events” if something alike already happened to us/our family and friends. I would suspect electrical ripples in your case. Maybe it was a humid environment and the current was strong enough to switch it on… I don’t know, maybe I see “human things” as more explainable. But you could also say “gravity” and the toillet seat would be “explained”. The thing which bothers me is that I’ve never heard the damn thing falling down or even understood how it could happen on its own (no coil spring, no vibrations in the house, etc)…

        11. John, my money says you have an entity playing with you for attention, but a harmless entity. I never believed in this either until I moved to Hawaii and heard beautiful voices singing in harmony in Hawaiian language. It’s hard to describe but you could tell by their voices that they were of the spirit world, not ours. The voices came from a small bamboo forest in the back yard so thick that a cat couldn’t fit in it, let alone people. This is just one of several personal experiences I’ve had here (I took early retirement and bought land here), some were scary, so were the encounters my friends had here.

      2. Demon, wandering spirit, a very well trained rat, a team of researchers is conducting a long range study on you, etc.
        Probably shedim. They like to fuck with people.

        1. I had to google “shedim”.
          Rat-absolutely not. New place, nowhere to hide. “Demons and wandering spirits”- I never thought they could be real, but…
          Team of researchers-ok, it’s enough, you can stop now; let’s have a talk, please.

        2. Damn you!
          “There are many things that one is admonished not to do in order to avoid invoking shadim, such as whistling or even saying the word “shedim.”” Wikipedia
          I like to whistle around when I’m at home.

      3. Its that goddamn loch ness monster.
        Scare him away by burning sage.
        Whatever you do, DO NOT give him tree fiddy.

      1. possibly stolen for cloning purposes. Will be on the look out for drastic changes in personality. Roosh for Hilary campaign will be a clear signal that you have been kidnapped and a clone roosh made from your toothbrush has replaced you.

      2. I have had the same thing happen with money and keys. Although, to the matrix testament, there are periods where, whether through delusion or actual potential, my mind has entered states where answers to questions on human behavior felt accessible to me before I could ask them. An example would be, if I noticed a person moving a certain way, my primal brain would feed information on their potential for aggression, the nature of them being in the vicinity, and my ability to influence their actions by words or actions, like human chess pieces. This is not a common state and at times to excuse it, I have marked this under the self delusion category, but I guessed a woman’s sexuality and potential correctly, won money, and won out in situations that could have ended my life, based on these guesses.
        As an aside, keep the articles about reality coming. Both this piece and the Hollywood ritual piece had a healthy level of skepticism without venturing into the unprovable territory. Some of the reveals from other commentators were also enlightening. The more truths can be discovered the better.
        I was also asked to post this. Not sure what the gentleman’s situation is overall but do with the information as you choose Roosh.
        “Roosh, unban me. It’s iBoob.
        I will cease with the flooding comments. As we are all shitlords I think shitposts come with the territory, don’t you think? And personal insults I can’t promise but I will try.
        Thanks.”

  6. Good piece of fiction. The best one was about a year ago though. With the dude who bought a gun and posted it on facebook, the PC journalists etc. Forget the title.

  7. Anyone else experienced a glitch in the matrix? When I was 12 I was walking out of a building at school when an apple came sailing through the air out of nowhere at incredible speed, hit me in the chest and desintegrated to nothing. Couldn’t find a single trace of it.

    1. lucky you. I’ve often tried to find one, usually by trying to turn really quickly in the hope I’ll see a scenery change. I don’t think it works that way

    2. Wow. I was walking in a an open field, clouds above and an albino frog approx 1 1/2 inches large hit the brim of my cap. It came from the open sky. I hear hurricanes can heave massive quantities of water from lakes upward and larve of frogs can still hatch while entrapped in aerial turbulence. They then quickly grow heavy and fall.

    3. I’ve had some writing (in permanent marker) disappear off boxes I had in storage. Haven’t seen it since.
      I must have been chucked into an alternate universe (this one). It would explain why things got so weird since then.

    4. Yeah, heaps of times.
      Once, I was in a room with 2 other people and there was suddenly this awful smell – it smelt like somebody had farted, but everybody swore they hadn’t. It was obviously a smell-glitch in the Matrix.
      Another time, I was camping with some guys and I went for a walk, and when I came back my chocolate biscuits had just disappeared from my tent. Vanished. Strange, huh?!
      Same thing happens at home all the time, but with money. I leave my wallet on the coffee table and every time I turn my back money vanishes from it. My wife is often the only other person in the house and she swears she didn’t see anybody enter and steal my money. It’s definitely another glitch…

    5. On a smaller scale, I have reached capacity in my ability to recall things so that learning new things leads to immediately forgetting other things. Like the time I learned how to make homemade wine and then totally forgot how to drive a car…..thank you Homer.

    6. Yeah,The money in my wallet after a night out. Most of it was gone and couldn’t remember shit.

        1. Merci beaucoup Mon Frere, I know that I bore no blame for the negative cash flow. You know what they say about money being the eye of thr devil and such.

        1. Did you just figure out my name? Have you ever owned a phone which doesn’t have a touch screen?

    7. Sometimes, when I’m on top of Mt. Fuji in my meditative state while pumped full of Kratom and levitating, a small fury gnome in an orange suit will appear and declare that I have achieved total consciousness, so I have that going for me, but then he’ll lift up a leg, fart and run off the side of the mountain while cackling.
      I figure that’s so odd that it has to be a glitch. I mean, gnomes farting? Who would ever see that happening in real life?

  8. occasionally I predict something in my personal life-based on pure speculation and scant information, it comes true it kind of freaks me out. like our minds can alter some things.

  9. Excellent writing. You really should do more of these.
    Solitary Anonymous hacker from Brazil finds new glitch and does not go to main stream with findings. News spreads quietly through the darkest parts of the web.
    Two months later, covert research conducted by CIA thinktank and conscripted Anonymous members studies glitch and finds exploit allowing access to Futuran data chaches. Organization then attempts to wrest control of the simulation in a bid to thwart Trump’s inevitable march and initiate breakneck global domination scheme with full authorization under Top Secret doctrine.
    Days after the RNC concludes in Ohio, Futurans are temporarily cut off from exercising influence over the program and are forced to watch as Obama administration declares martial law in response to false-flag domestic terrorism event involving multiple catastrophic attacks perpetrated by (scapegoated) supporters of Trump campaign. Similar events occur in nations across the western world, all framing nationalist groups.
    ‘The Deity Project’ is deemed by SecDef as absolute top priority and collosal expenditure creates sprawling underground complex dedicated to placing control of the simulation in the hands of the US govt permanently.
    Research posits confidently that live worldwide broadcast of Angela Merkel being brutally gangbanged by endless line of jihadist militants with forced viewership under pain of death should create an anomally that will provide an opportunity for hackers to complete ultimate project goal.
    Interestingly enough, Merkel is flown to DC, along with the recently-transferred population of Guantonimo Bay and 1,000 Isis guerillas who had just been granted sovereign rights to Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and Norway.
    On the eve of the scheduled event, an underground force known as the Kingsmen makes contact with Futuran observers who manage to apply a power boost patch to their network of supporters.
    The war for the machine ensues.

    1. Strong patriarch society? I wouldn’t want to live there, mainly because they discourage free movement, and plus the leader looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but at the same time I imagine we’ve been told a whole web of vicious lies about life there. I imagine NK is some kind of mini-matrix in itself… if you don’t know about the outside world, the best plan is just to live inside your own created world of NK, and at least it’s a patriarchal, traditional one.

      1. Try going about a month without 90% of the things you currently use in a given day, then get back to us.
        That’s close to NK.

        1. I think that would be difficult for ME. But if you grew up in the Matrix of NK, and didn’t know any better, you could get along just fine. And I’m a glass half full kind of guy anyway. If I found myself there, I’d focus on the thin, starving women who are too afraid of being beaten to ever be crude or snarky. I’d probably get me one of those snazzy uniforms like the one Dear Leader has and snatch me up a good conservative wife to cook, clean, and give me nooky. Is complicating life beyond that necessary? 🙂

        2. You have no idea what communism is. I’m from Hungary so I do have some insight although I didn’t have to experience it personally (Thank God for that). Communism is the most diabolical invention of humankind. I recommend you get a copy of The Black Book of Communism: Crimes, Terror, Repression. You could NOT ” get along just fine” when your wife doesn’t have anything to cook for you. Not to mention that women are not allowed to not work. You gotta build the fucking socialist utopy 24/7 and failing to do so can easily result in spending a few years in concentration camps doing forced labour under Gulag circumstances. Your family, parents, uncles, aunts and cousins can follow you depending on your “crime”. Read the book Escape from Camp 14. It’s not that they “discourage free movement”. They fucking kill you if you attempt to leave that shithole. They spend unbelievable amounts of money on their military and other meaningless stupidities while a good proportion of their people are starving. Insane and evil leaders have been brainwashing that people to become insane and evil. That country is anything but a desirable place for a red pill man who values independency, freedom and common sense.

    2. Why is Basher al-Assad and the Ayatollah of Iran on there? And in a piece written by an Armenian, whose people were the victims of a Holocaust by Muslims (1.5 million) that wanted to wipe them out?
      Because Roosh is an idiot, and a suicidal one at that.

  10. It’s both strange and hilarious to see an Armenian licking the ass of a bunch of Muslim dictators (the Ayatollah of Iran, Bashar Al-Assad) and Putin.
    It’s like a Cambodian intellectual fellating Pol Pot, a black man fellating the KKK, or a Korean fellating Imperial Japan.
    I’m not even getting into the hilarity of one of the “good guys”, Trump, being friends with one of the “bad guys”, Netanyahu, or a mortal enemy of a fellow “good guy”, the Ayatollah, who he has suggested nuking to Kingdom Come.
    Roosh is an idiot, but a funny one.

  11. Real science fiction is rare these days. This short story is a perfect example of what what SF is and should be. I so miss the real thing.
    If you have it in you to do it, the ideas in this story have the makings of a great science fiction novel.

  12. I never take these “reality is a simulation” memes seriously until I consider there are people reading tbem who can’t think beyond a bold assertion and so accept the premise and with it much of its emotional nihilism. This is a bad thing.
    The flaw in the whole “Reality is a Simulation” idea is it is merely pushing the question back a layer while not answering it at all. Like in the latest “Alien” movie (can’t remember/don’t care), where someone tells the religious woman her faith is wrong since “we found your creators”, and she says, “And who created them?”
    Nihilism is a mind-cancer that destroys every good thing in its path and replaces it with vacant despair. It produces nothing good because it is a negation of everything that is good.
    The idea that reality is a simulation is nothing more than mental masturbation. It’s fun but it produces nothing of value.

    1. I would posit the reality is a simulation theory in cohesion with a religious (Christianized lense); in scripture we are told this physical world is the kingdom of the deceiver, the fallen one, the false light bearer. The only way to be set free is to detach themselves from the worldly and believe upon the savor one true king of heaven and the universe. The “one” (neo). When the time comes, for our individual realizations of the truth of our reality (physical death), we’ll be ready to enter the true state of existence (spirit).
      Faulty “scientists”, nihilists and the like are not wrong to theorize the concept of a simulated world, but their flaw is not knowing that there is a greater purpose and a way to break free.

    1. Vox Day himself is saying it’s better than anything that won the Nebula Award last week.

    2. I was pretty shocked while reading it as I was waiting for the source link at the end not realizing it was Roosh himself. It is very well done, I have to agree w/ others and Vox that this is the real thing.
      As a personal aside, I’m not entirely convinced the scenario described is not something close to the truth. I have been in a bit of an existential crisis lately and have been consuming massive quantities of literature and media about existence from the classic, to modern, and also near death experience accounts.
      The more I read, the more I’m suspecting that we are -not- some divinely inspired creation. We are simply piloting around meat robots we call bodies sort of like Avatar. The difference being, you cannot get out of it (except for death), you are uncertain why you are in it, it has no instruction manual, and we have no knowledge of what comes next.
      I suspect an intelligence like that described in the fiction has created us because, why not? We do it ourselves as we feebly to to create AI and robots that look and act like us. I believe it is the natural order of the universe to do this. Who’s to say some DemiUrge (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demiurge) did not create all of this?
      It would actually explain much given the illogic of many things, the non perfect design of the human body, and the seemingly amoral nature of the universe itself. The God of Christianity is a laughable concept in a universe in which we currently reside.

  13. from article: “plan again long-term disasters.
    It should read “plan AGAINST long-term disasters”.

  14. “Our lineup is Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Bashar al-Assad, Kim Jong-un, and the Ayatollah.” and
    “Everyone will think that Obama, Cameron, Merckel, and Netanyahu”
    Could you elaborate on this, and also, where do the Saudi’s and other sultans fit in?

  15. I was about half way through the story before I realized we weren’t just talking about Dwarf Fortress.

  16. “Fodos was in the office watching a human orgy take place in Brazil”
    haha I laughed so much. “Fodos” in portuguese sounds like “foda”, which means fuck.
    That was a tremendous coincidence.

  17. I was pretty shocked while reading this as I was waiting for the source link at the end not realizing it was Roosh himself. It is very well done, I have to agree w/ others and VoxDay that this is the real thing.
    As a personal aside, I’m not entirely convinced the scenario described is not something close to the truth. I have been in a bit of an existential crisis lately and have been consuming massive quantities of literature and media about existence from the classic, to the modern, and also near death experience accounts which all have an eerie similarity though the people all from all over the world, do not speak a similar language, and have different or no religion.
    The more I read, the more I’m suspecting that we are -not- some divinely inspired creation. We are simply piloting around these meat robots we call bodies sort of like Avatar. The difference being, you cannot get out of it (except for death), you are uncertain why you are in it, it has no instruction manual, and we have no knowledge of what comes next.
    I suspect an intelligence like that described in the fiction has created us because, why not? We do it ourselves as we feebly to to create AI and robots that look and act like us. I believe it is the natural order of the universe to do this. Who’s to say some DemiUrge (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demiurge) did not create all of this? We use silicon to build our likenesses and some perhaps million year advanced being(s) used carbon to produce his super spiffy robots. Our DNA -is- source code, our bodies are simply self-repairing carbon based robots which we ourselves are trying to create right now as well. Is this so unbelievable?
    It would actually explain much given the illogic of many things, the non perfect design of the human body, and the seemingly amoral nature of the universe itself. The God of Christianity is a laughable concept in a universe iI was pretty shocked while reading it as I was waiting for the source link at the end not realizing it was Roosh himself. It is very well done, I have to agree w/ others and Vox that this is the real thing.
    As a personal aside, I’m not entirely convinced the scenario described is not something close to the truth. I have been in a bit of an existential crisis lately and have been consuming massive quantities of literature and media about existence from the classic, to modern, and also near death experience accounts.
    The more I read, the more I’m suspecting that we are -not- some divinely inspired creation. We are simply piloting around meat robots we call bodies sort of like Avatar. The difference being, you cannot get out of it (except for death), you are uncertain why you are in it, it has no instruction manual, and we have no knowledge of what comes next.
    I suspect an intelligence like that described in the fiction has created us because, why not? We do it ourselves as we feebly to to create AI and robots that look and act like us. I believe it is the natural order of the universe to do this. Who’s to say some DemiUrge (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demiurge) did not create all of this?
    It would actually explain much given the illogic of many things, the non perfect design of the human body, and the seemingly amoral nature of the universe itself. The God of Christianity is a laughable concept in a universe as fundamentally flawed as this one.

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