Masculinity

5 Ways To Apologize Without Giving Up Your Dignity

70 Comments

I know, I know. After reading the first clause of that title, the manosphere just keeled over faster than you can say “Trigglypuff.” But bare with me; there is a method to this writer’s madness (I am Canadian, after all, so I have built-in credibility on this matter!).

Neomasculinity teaches men, rightfully, to rid that dreadful, disyllabic admission of guilt—“sorry”—from their vocabulary. And 95% of the time, being shamelessly unapologetic is the proper conduct when dealing with women in your life.

“Sorry” typically conveys self-inflicted shame and insecurity for our biologically-driven actions or power structures that exist outside of our control. While feminists appear to want this from men—to claim responsibility for the “oppressive” Patriarchy and grovel in, yes, sorries—the reality is feminists are subconsciously begging men to scoff at their bullshit—respectfully—and lead them out of Plato’s Cave with confidence.

The best apologies can be dispensed with a little "now you see it, now you don't".

The best apologies can be dispensed with a little “now you see it, now you don’t”.

But men must, of course, be logical. Logical not only in a political, philosophical, or scientific sense, but moral as well. Alpha males intuitively understand that to attract women (and in many other aspects of life), you have to take risks, demonstrate persistence, and exude confidence, all while showing a deep emotional intelligence for their feelings. Without the later, unchecked confidence makes you a “douche” and unchecked persistence renders you “creepy.”

Occasionally, it can be a fine line.

However, there are times when you cross that line and your moral instincts kick in, alerting you of this infringement. You made a mistake, you hurt someone (ideally someone you care about), and it is time to own up to your actions (assuming this person is not trying to bully you into this ownership). At this point, apologizing is not about submitting to SJW pressure, but accepting personal responsibility—a quality all decent men must possess.

So you have decided you owe someone—in this case, a woman—an apology. How do you go about this without coming off like a contrite chump or self-flagellating sop? Is it possible to apologize from a position of strength? Is it achievable to say—here goes—sorry without drawing attention to the fact that you are, indeed, apologizing. The answer is yes, yes, and of course. Here are five ways to apologize with moral integrity and a sense of justice.

1. The Conditional Apology

Personally, I use this one a lot. It is typically employed when you have done something that you stand by, but can reasonably understand why a woman would be hurt by your actions (for example: you hit on or pick up her (hotter) best friend while she stands next to you at the bar). When confronted, you apologize conditionally, meaning you specify the terms of your apology.

This way you’re conveying that you understand the intent and consequences of your actions, and while you respect the woman’s feelings in response to your actions, you would do whatever you did again and again and again because you abide by your own set of principles, even if they happen to conflict with her feelings. I have done this many times and it has never failed. The girl always comes back.

2. The Proactive Apology

Women tend to dismiss this apology at face value, but deep down I think they respect it. The Proactive Apology is issued when a female comes to you with a problem or you make an honest mistake (for example: you’re late for a date as you had to finish a paid assignment), typically in hopes of getting the full attention and sympathy betas have given her in recent past.

Here, it is perfectly reasonable to say “sorry,” but you follow-up with a solution. You offer the woman recourse to her distress with a practical alternative. For instance, you see your date on the park bench and you are fifteen minutes late, so you say: “Hey, sorry I’m late, had to finish this project that’s due tomorrow—hey, I know a good taco shop two blocks over, you hungry?”

Here, the apology indicates you have social awareness about your lateness, but the follow-up further demonstrates that you are always thinking two steps ahead of your stumbles. From here, she may internalize her anger, but will in time, if not straight away, begin to admire your unflappable initiative and ability for proactive thinking.

3. The Playful Apology

Donald Trump said it best to Megyn Kelly: “Oooh, excuse me.” Trump has said some crass things about the female anatomy, for sure. He is a bit of a dick—and he knows that—but when The Donald gets his hand caught in the cookie jar, he acknowledges it (and still keeps the cookie).

A Playful Apology, shown in the clip below (at 18:48), should be deployed when you have been caught doing something kind of cheeky or prankish; but since you are a moral person at heart, you can accept responsibility for the mischief. With a twist. Your apology plays down the gravity of your “misdeed,” while maintaining the charm inherent in your personality. 

https://youtu.be/UGPvwdrlzCM

The apology’s playful tone is congruent to your personality and rascally actions. That congruence makes the apology earnest and authentic, which women will respect. That said, you should not use the Playful Apology if you have truly done something terrible (say, accidentally drive over your girlfriend’s puppy) as this apology is intended to take the sting out of your wrongdoing and bring levity to a situation that calls for it.

4. The Unapologetic Apology

We all know it. It’s the apology in disguise, one that acknowledges your misstep without dwelling on the admission. The Unapologetic Apology is best implemented in the mild to moderate moments of error, from bumping into a woman at the store to questioning her decision to chop off chunks of her hair when, in fact, she has a hair loss condition.

The Unapologetic Apology usually springs from the “honest mistake,” where you may have misjudged or misbehaved so you address the lapse in judgment and casually move forward. You can push the faux pas aside with a nonchalant “my mistake” or “pardon me” or “I meant no offense” and let it roll off your back. Simple, direct and effective.

5. The Genuine Apology

You fucked up. You made a bad joke about your girlfriend’s ailing grandmother (that was genuinely funny, just ill-timed) or your women is enduring a 100% real, human hardship (that very same ailing grandmother you derided—you asshole—just passed) that isn’t puffed up with pointless girl drama.

This is the moment when your voice drops, your palms open, you meet her eyes while focusing on her nasal bridge, and utter that rueful word god gave us. The genuine apology is typically reserved for the women you deeply care about, because you respect their feelings even if half the time those feelings are in direct conflict with any sense of logic.

We all make mistakes, but it is when we realize and aim to correct them that we set ourselves apart from the fools. Here, saying “sorry” is not a form of supplication, but of your heightened moral awareness. To say the words shows empathy, which women do respect provided it comes from a genuine part of your character and isn’t merely conceded in an attempt to win back her favour.

Just not like this...

Just not like this…

“Sorry” if necessary, but not necessarily “sorry”

As we well know, most of our communication is done non-verbally, implied via tonality and body language. Words matter only in a vacuum; what matters most is their underlying meaning and the temper in which they’re delivered. While “sorry” has become a cringe word in the manosphere, it really has no damaging impact so long as it is used with dignity and purpose.

Sometimes a simple “sorry” (or “oooh, excuse me”) is a pithy way of demonstrating self-awareness and conscience, not nervousness or insecurity. It takes a wise, intuitive man to grasp the difference and exercise the former when necessary. Apologies are not about being accepted, but when they are acceptable.

Read More: 3 Ways To Stop Being A Little Bitch

70 thoughts on “5 Ways To Apologize Without Giving Up Your Dignity”

  1. I get called a “douche” or a “dick” all the time by girls. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just means that they refer to me as “that asshole” when they’re with their friends (and as we all know what they say to their friends is meaningless).

  2. “Oops” with a wry grin is one way to not say “sorry” in many situations. It acknowledges that the action was a goof, shows that you aren’t an asshole, but gets nowhere NEAR the “sorry” word.
    In another situation, my wife and I had a communications mixup which I took as her okay for me to get another puppy. She got angry. But instead of saying ‘sorry’, I just said, “I misunderstood what you meant.” The implication is clear. I was not sorry for getting the puppy, I cast at least part of the blame on her for her role in the unclear communications, and at the same time expressed regret that the misunderstanding had occurred. End of discussion – and of her anger. I wasn’t going to apologize, and she recognized that fact. Red-pill-manhood sustained.

      1. Puppy is a happy Papillion mix. She and my first one (an Alaskan Klee Kai – look it up) are night-and-day different. AKK is like she’s on speed, Pap is like she’s stoned. The two compete for attention – if I pay attention to one, the other comes running for her share. The dogs are very well suited to one another.
        A LOT of lessons for men in my dogs. If one sees the other getting attention, she becomes very attention needy. Classic red pill wisdom! If I give a treat to one, the other is jealous.

        1. Alaskan Klee Kais are great little dogs… very smart, got two myself and their as you said hyper little things.

      1. She’s a mix and a rescue. And ultimately will be daughter’s dog. I REFUSE to apologize for getting a rescue dog.

      1. Exactly. Btw written by a 40 year old woman with no husband. Great role model

        2. That’s what I want to know! I am throwing the challenge down to ROK authors to figure it out

        1. It worries me a lot that “how to be a bitch” is encouraged in our society. No shame, fuck loyalty and fuck the family. Make money with controversy and do not care about the result (which is murder,death and tragedy)… you should actually execute the author for violence and crime against humanity. That would happen in my state KING CITY. We need a law like the muslim sharia law, just less extreme but with the same principle which is -punish degeneracy-

        2. Yes. We gotta try to bring them back to the right path… If they refuse however…. Just toss them off a fuckin’ building and just be done with it.
          These people are like cancer. You gotta remove them completely. Nobody needs them.
          “B-b-but human rights….”
          My ass. Other humans own a right to live without those degenerate ungrateful phiggits that always complain about everything.
          Your children will thank you later.

    3. i bought that book or one very similar to it. it was a mistake. i didn’t get to far into the meandering non-points before i realized a woman wrote it.

    5. Pretty sure I’ve seen that in the bookstores years ago, or maybe it was “How to be a bitch” told in a positive light. Anyway, I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole but if someone wants to break it down for us, go right ahead!
      It would be nice if an ROK article came up when someone googled that book.
      (Edit: Ugh, do NOT search the internet for “how to be a bitch” –tons of shitty articles from empowered single women)

    7. Neither man nor woman should ever seek advice from women. Even a decent plurality of ladies will accept such a statement, because they (((can’t even))) deny it.

    8. What is it with women wanting to have a penis these days?
      Is it really that hard to embrace their very own femininity?
      God damn!

  4. Oh: about apologizing. I have a standard policy. If I do something that I legitimately ought to apologize for I just never speak to that woman again. I am not spending any time with a woman who isn’t deluded into thinking I’m perfect

    1. “Oh: about apologizing. I have a standard policy. If I do something that I legitimately ought to apologize for I just never speak to that woman again. I am not spending any time with a woman who isn’t deluded into thinking I’m perfect”.
      Hahaha…so much LoLz! Your parade through the halls of narcissism has been such a pleasure to read over the last several months. I know I have said this before, but you are like a satirical caricature of narcissistic nihilism.

  5. I know its almost impossible to never apologize for something, but I am still fond of this(and Im paraphrasing here):
    The most powerful thing you can tell a woman is “No”; the weakest, “I’m sorry”.

    1. went to see a whore earlier this week. i was nervous as it was my first time. chatted with her for about 20 minutes to get comfortable then told her no. i’m just not into the dark meat or women with cuts on their wrists and legs.

  7. Men should know when they are really at fault. There is nothing manlier than knowing that and apologizing correctly for that. This does not mean that they should say sorry every now and then or that they should ponder to women, but by recognizing their mistakes and where they are at fault only then they may better themselves.
    To understand why it is personally considered manly, think why women tend to not apologize for their mistakes or inefficiencies. That will be your answer.

    1. I fully agree. I also suggest that the genuine apology should only ever be given for the benefit of oneself. Others may also benefit from it, but that is incidental.

        1. I completely disagree with all of this. if you fuck up so badly that you need to apologize then it’s called “regret”. You let yourself down. This isn’t leaderahip to apologize because she feels bad. “I let myself down and I regret xyz…”, discuss the issue with her by all means but basically agree and amplify her feelings Dont attempt to appease them. Ever. I am now y sorry for your feelings I regret letting myself down.

        2. We are saying the same thing, the phraseology only differs. I used the word apology in a very general sense here, You apologize not because you have harmed one’s feelings but because what you did was simply wrong, the wrong of men not of women.

        3. I can appreciate that, though I am not using that word “apologize” directly. Outside of a professional environment I only apologize to men. Within a relationship I will regret poor behaviour or performance solely for my own conscience and improvement. This concept, the very idea of apologizing, even in a general sense is somewhat misleading to meow rainfalls and I could see it being a confusing concept to navigate as a younger man.

  9. What a perfect opportunity this is to apologise to blue haired women everywhere for any sexism they may have encountered on the internet, or even – dare I say it – on these very pages.
    Building bridges. Because that’s what we’re all about

  10. Another is the “non-apology.” Democrat politicians deploy this often.
    “I’m sorry the group misunderstood my words.”
    You can utilize this when making advances on a woman who rebuked you. A Kennedy favorite.
    “I’m sorry you misunderstood my intentions.”

    1. Or even better: “It’s truly unfortunate that you misunderstood my good intentions.”

  11. I usually say my bad and keep it moving….
    I really don’t have time for full apologies anymore,

  12. The topic reminds of Barry Goldwater’s book “With No Apologies” written in 1978. A forewarning of a bloated fed govt.

  13. I look at apologies like this: Did I do something that has the chance of happening again? Could that action put people at risk? If yes, saying “I’m sorry” isn’t good enough and isn’t appropriate. “It won’t happen again” is the only acceptable reply. I don’t want to hear the word sorry–ever. I want to know the behavior that caused the mistake will change.
    It’s all about a mind-set. No one is perfect, mistakes are going to be made by anyone who actually gets stuff done. The key is owning the mistake by acknowledging it, taking steps (changing behavior) to insure it doesn’t happen again.
    Everything else, get over it. I do plenty to help those (who deserve it) around me. You have to take the good with the bad. Got your panties in a wad over something I did, get over it.

  14. As I said to my wife recently after being berated for thrashing our brat, “I’m sorry you are upset by how harsh I was with him, but I’m not sorry I did it”. She took it well.

  16. Examples would be helpful. Also, I have no problem apologizing, but I’ve found that apologizing to women lowers your value to them. I do it sparingly, like the last time I was really sick, I was having hallucinatory dreams and wasn’t too nice to this girl who took care of me for two days. When I was better, I said “Wow, I was really out of it there, sorry babe.” It was not anything I consciously did, but I knew I hurt her feelings by scowling and being really stubborn and getting frustrated with her.
    A lot of times however, apologies aren’t really necessary, at least not if you’re a normal guy who didn’t have the intent to do something wrong. Did you totally misunderstand me? Let me explain using better language instead of apologizing for not being clear the first time. I tend to avoid phrases like “I never said that” and simply restate my views on the subject clearly.
    Of course, there are times where it’s totally acceptable, and I have no problem doing it. It’s really how we learn–by making mistakes and recognizing them as such. And apologizing doesn’t affect my ego in the least. Sorry if any of you think it would 😉

  17. Important post i believe. The last time i apologized to a women, i said something like this…”you know i live things with passion”. In other words, softening the apologies and stating my personality. Its all about frame: two weeks later, we went out.

  18. I attempt to avoid those situations if I can. If I do screw up, 90% of the time I’ll just say “my bad”, if it’s major I say “it won’t happen again”.
    I then make a major note to not end up in that spot again.

  19. This is the kind of thing that gets RoK labeled as having gone full beta by MGTOW websites. I for one am glad to see a recent injection of sense, logic, and moderation into the writers here; the extremist warping of Neomasculinity by MGTOW losers is not the answer to the evils within female nature or the abhorrent excesses of feminism.

    1. One comment man to the rescue of ROK! You go, one comment man!

    2. This guy is an example of just how deep canada is in it, too deep. “Watch me pull some cheeky shit here and apologize WITHOUT begging”! Look ! I said sorryletsgettacos, I got away with it ! Fuck this guy.

  21. Why is this even an article. There are a million things to write about and I open ROK to see an article on how to apologize. This is nonsense, another reason why I skip most of the articles and go straight to the comments.

  22. “Baby girl, you’re right, I shouldn’t have called your mother with brain cancer a Mind Bomb Bimbo. Truly, that is just…well…(big soulful eyes)….my bad. And to make it up to you, I’m going to let you have a one time opportunity to suck my cock without having to swallow, you can spit if you want. I’m just so sorry little girl”

    1. Call me old fashioned but 1″=1 mi. This guy sounds like a torontonian. I laughed my ass off though, brain bomb ha… Sincerely though, it has been my experience that apologies go no further than eye contact and regret for letting myself down rather than “sorry” for letting her down is as far as this can go without her losing respect. I may be wrong but with women respect + orgasms = love. I respect the effort but in my opinion this kind of guy with this kind of adviceis a fucking problem. This is very dangerous advice.

      1. You have literally (Hitler) zero sense of humor.
        You *don’t* know that I was fucking around, dude?

        1. Absolutely, and I got a real good laugh out of it too. Just offering my perspective is all. Fucking around is critical to ones well being.

  23. Here is one. The Non-Apology. Just power through and ignore and act as though the sleight never occurred. You really have to power through and act like nothing ever happened and she is crazy to think anything happened. Say you blow your load in a chick’s mouth during a BJ and she told you not too:
    “Hey that was great, where do you want to get dinner”
    “Dick…I told you not to cum in my mouth”
    “I’m going to pick up a pizza…be back in 20 minutes”
    “Asshole….you know I don’t like cum in my mouth”
    “Do you want pepperoni and sausage again”
    “Yes, but when you get back we are going to talk about this”
    “See you in a few”
    (come back after about 40 minutes)
    “OK let’s eat I’m starved”
    Guarantee you she won’t bring it up again because she has either already processed the emotion internally, blew off the steam by texting a girlfriend, and/or doesn’t want to seem like a bitch by grinding the axe over what is a minor issue.
    Another one is the Gaslight Apology. Blame it on her and her incorrect mental perception of the situation “You are crazy to think that both men and women don’t date multiple women these days. Everyone knows that and its crazy you don’t recognize this. It’s not the 50’s anymore. If you thought we were an exclusive item you should have brought it up.”

  24. A man should always apologize…. IFF (plus points if anybody gets IFF) he is wrong. Trouble is, these days guys are apologizing for all sorts of insanity when they should instead be saying: “Grow the **** up freaks!”
    Moreover.. what’s with this half-assed apology crap? When you apologize, APOLOGIZE. I don’t need to play games. That’s what the women are supposed to do.
    🙂

  25. Best to be proactive…Ill probably sleep with your sister and break your heart. When it happens she has to go…damn it you did warn me! NO APOLOGY NECESSARY FOR THE BAD BEHAVIOR. You could probably even admit to being incapable of apologizing….”Babe I warned you I just can’t apologize, I’m missing that gene”.

  27. Very well written article. No surprise the author is Canadian.
    As an aside, instead of apologizing for being late for a date / meeting, I prefer to thank them for their patience. The difference is significant and you keep frame better.
    “Hi Jennifer. Hey, thanks for your patience — my job is crazy-busy these days. Did you work up an appetite or thirst while waiting??”

  29. I simply dont let them bask in it. I catch them off guard, and then immediately revert to stop them from turning it into a shit test. Probably fits into your second category.

  30. I think many in the “manosphere” are clueless about what it is that makes a real man. None of us know for certain because there is no absolute universal standard. If you think apologizing makes you soft or weak, well then you are already both. You apologize when you are wrong and when you hurt someone that you care about: there is no need to overthink it. What kind of ego must you have to think apologizing is a slight of character? Maybe I’m clueless myself but I don’t think narcissism is a trait of masculinity.

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