How To Get Divorced Like A Champ

True story as told by a bitter ex-wife:

Step 1: As you approach your 20 year anniversary, less than two weeks after your youngest child turns 18, start a conversation about how important the next few years of your life are and how you’re looking forward to being together forever.

Step 2: Maintaining as much masculinity as possible, begin admitting how everything that has gone wrong since the history of time is your fault, and how you wish you could change it. Bring up everything she has ever bitched about in your 20 years together, admit she was right, apologize, and promise to do better.

Step 3: Two weeks before your 20 year anniversary, start dropping hints that you’re planning a surprise for her that will blow her socks off. Tell her you’ll reveal the surprise at the high-end restaurant you booked for the occasion.

Step 4: At your anniversary dinner, tell her you don’t just want to apologize for your horrible behavior as a husband over the past 20 years – you want to show her how sorry you are and you want to make it up to her. Tell her you’re going to sell the house, and you’re going to take her around for the next several weekends looking for a lot to buy. You’re going to build a retirement home to her specs. Whatever she wants, any design, any size – it’s all about her because you’ve been an unbearable dick for so long.

Step 5: The following week, make good on your promise. Put your house up for sale, and spend all day on Saturdays and Sundays for the next month looking at lots. Find a cheap one, and put down a $5k deposit to hold it.

Step 6: Tell her in order to get the best rate on a loan for your soon-to-be-built custom home, the two of you will need to pay down all of your joint debt to improve your credit score. Secretly cancel the contract on the lot and get your money back. Use the deposit and most of your savings to pay down all outstanding debt – especially the debt that’s in both of your names.

Step 7: While she’s busy looking though magazines and blueprints for her perfect home, sell your current home and move into a small apartment while you’re continuing to smooth out the details of your new place. No rush! It’s gotta be perfect for your lovely wife!

Step 8: After your current home sells, take the $37k in profit and the rest of your savings and divide it up between your two brothers and your mother. Tell your wife it went into a special account managed by the builder to be used as a down payment on the new place.

Step 9: Have your two brothers and your mother sign an affidavit stating that you and your wife owed them that money for a past debt.

Step 10: With all your debt paid off, the house sold, the contract on the lot cancelled, and a massive slush fund of liquid cash held by your brothers and parents, pick a fight with your wife. Keep telling her terrible things until she leaves the apartment – the apartment you set up without her name on the lease.

Step 11: When she gets mad and decides to go spend the night with her sister, have your brothers move all her personal belongings to a storage unit. Make sure everything she owns goes. If there’s any doubt on ownership of an item, just give it to her.

Step 12: Move your stuff to a different storage unit. Pay the small fee of $450 to break your lease. You’re free to go. No debt, no woman, no assets to split, and she legally vacated the premises and abandoned your marriage. She’s already been bragging to her friends for two months about what a great guy you are and how you’re building her a new home. Their contempt for her boasting will leave most of them on your side (comes in handy in a small town.)

Step 13: File for divorce and carry on with your new life while your ex sits at a bar bitching about you to the guy who will notch up his first cougar before the stroke of midnight.

Step 14: Replace your near-40 year old ex with a bulldog puppy. Name the bulldog after your ex and text her pics of him every time she blows up your phone bitching about something.

Step 15: Use your current job skills to find a position in your industry that requires travel. Take the $5k pay cut in exchange for being on the road and having your expenses paid. You’ll technically come out ahead. When you’re not “out on the road being a total man whore,” bang your old neighbor’s “20-something year old daughter who was always kind of slutty anyway.”

Step 16: When people accuse you of planning all this out, take a tip from the rationalization hamster and just say “Huh? Whuuuu? Ohhh. Noooo. No. It wasn’t like that!”

Read Next: 4 Things One Man Has Learned About Relationships

52 thoughts on “How To Get Divorced Like A Champ”

  1. You’re still going to be paying alimony to compensate her for her “sacrifices”, and I wouldn’t be so sure that the asset liquidation will be accepted by a lesbian judge. The intent of the law is to screw over men, so technical details are irrelevant.

    1. Wilson is the real deal, don’t come up with space-filler anecdotal articles like this, NEVER marry in the US, systematically mistreat western women for what they’ve become, don’t even deign to fuck them when you can go for feminine expats, siphon all assets and earnings out of the country, create off shore schemes to protect yourself for tax rape, don’t ever get employed on a taxable income in the US, these are the solutions to decontaminating the world from western debasement short of war, which will soon become necessary anyways.

  2. Don’t anyone follow this plan.
    A good lawyer and subpoena of records, and any hint of financial hanky panky before the judge and your goose is cooked. Hiding assets with family members is just as bad as doing it in a bankruptcy. And yes, that’s exactly what’s going on here. Also, don’t pay down joint debt, but rather use it as leverage as a reason you may have to file BK7 and leave yous spouse holding the bag on everything from the Mortgage to the consumer CC debt.
    There are much better ways to prepare to divorce that are even more devastating, but take much more time than a few weeks. Planning is key. These are just a few of many things that can/should be done prior to even hinting that there’s trouble ahead.

  3. Good ideas but you might want add a bit about creating fake companies to loan to yourself and your family to make it so your recorded assets cant be fully known.

  4. There is no such thing as “divorce like a champ”.
    There is only “divorce like less of a chump”.

  5. every now and then i read something so deliciously tasteless i am brought to tears from laughter. you sir provided be that in this article. well done.

  6. If by step 4 she´s not suspicious of your moves you´re either a bloody genious or she´s really dim. Remember, anything you say or do to your wife she wil tell her dear harpy friends, sisters if any and your fecking mother-in-law. Women aren´t individuals, they act like a pack, or like the Borg.

    1. Nor will most women be so oblivious to their financial situation. They would not just sit back and let the man do everything, they will be nosing around everything.

  7. As others have mentioned, there are a number of questionable aspects to this plan that a good attorney will be able to discover. Are your family members willing to commit perjury if they’re called to testify regarding their affidavits? I would certainly make them get up there. Can you produce financial records showing the funds came from them? This is also pretty clearly fraud, which is actionable in a civil suit separate from the divorce proceeding. I mean it’s all possible if the ex- is stupid and does not have good representation, but I would not count on it.

  8. What does this accomplish, exactly? There’s no context given for the actions taken. Was she a faithful, loving and submissive dutiful housewife who just got old (like everyone does without a time machine and infinite regenerations)
    Why reward a worthy feminine woman who has served faithfully and well with something so unneccesarilly callous and cruel?
    Rah rah Hypergamy doesn’t care rah rah

  9. As legal advice, of course, this post is not to be taken seriously.
    But as a parable, it’s good.
    The lesson I got is this:
    This level of cold, calculated, long-term planning to screw someone before they can screw you, sounds very Machiavellian, and kind of mean-spirited. I mean what kind of guy would do that? To someone who has been by his side for twenty years and helped raise his child?
    Then you step back and think for two seconds, and realize that this is what western women routinely do to men, every day of every week, with no guilt or remorse, and society encourages them to do so. These cold financial machinations and repositioning leading up to divorce are nearly unthinkable for the average chump, er, man, with integrity. But to a bitch, it’s just standard operating procedure.
    What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

  10. Wow, I guess men can be bitter-ass jerks too, although I’m sure the “bitter ex-wife” exaggerated a bit. I think that men deserve a lot, if not most, of the blame for the current American situation. If we want a society where women will behave themselves and act feminine then they need to know that their men are their property. In a traditional society this man would be shunned by society just like all the slutty women.

    1. Perhaps, but here we are. After spending some quality time with the ex-wife, I can honestly say it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.
      Now she has a good divorce story AND a pump-n-dump story to tell. The only thing her ex-hubby and I have in common is that we’re both glad to be rid of her.
      I just had to notch a cougar because it was on my bucket list.
      Totally overrated, and will never do again until I’m so old that I absolutely have to.

      1. You should have stated this in your article. It gives the impression that you are glorifying this kind of behavior.

  11. >>> “What does this accomplish, exactly? There’s no context given for the actions taken. Was she a faithful, loving and submissive dutiful housewife who just got old (like everyone does without a time machine and infinite regenerations)”
    Yes, there are lots of women who are generous, loyal, gentle, feminine, genial and pleasant. They work hard to maintain their youthful physiques, cook like a champ, have enthusiastic sex on a regular basis, never spend more money than is prudent, and best of all, they never complain, and certainly never save up their resentments and recriminations like a squirrel stashing away nuts for a long winter.
    You can find these women at the North Pole. They live right down the street from Santy Claus, between the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.

    1. Or, you can find them at home caring for daddy and raising their 10 kids. I’m sure there are exceptions, but the old adage about knocking a woman up at 16 and keeping her knocked up ’til 40, still seems to cure most of the ills afflicting her barren sisters.

      1. “Or, you can find them at home caring for daddy and raising their 10 kids. ”
        They won’t be hot.

      2. Hot enough to be knocked up 10 times….
        And, if they have the sense to start at 16, they’re still < 25 by kid 5 at least.

    2. My wife is like that. Trick is to marry a virgin, and you’ll be worshipped for the rest of your life.
      And as Stuki Moi says, keep traditional roles. She’s the mother and home-maker, even with a job. She’s the consigliere and a good one, but not the Don. Never let two bosses in a family.

  12. Nice story, but would not work in real life. It would not take an attorney more then a few subpoenas and two hours with a forensic accountant to find your hidden assets. Even if your fellow conspirators were voluntarily lying about debts the court is still going to wonder what incurred the debt. Most high dollar debts produce something that can be traced like a physical object such as a car or even documentation of a huge gambling loss, expensive vacation, etc.
    Also, if you suspect you will be getting divorced using joint assets to pay down joint debts is not always a good move. Now, what is a good move is to use joint assets to pay down individual debt, such as debt you had in your name before marriage. If you start doing so a few months before separating the judge may still credit your wife with such payments especially if she can show you started the practice because of bad faith. But, if the practice starts with regular intervals a year or two before then it will most likely slide.
    Another good idea is get your wife working if she is currently unemployed. Even if her entire paycheck goes to child care it will still help you when it times come to alimony. If she has no discernable income and no recent work experience she is going to take you to the cleaners. If she has recent work experience and some type of salary the judge is going to be less likely to slap you with a huge alimony payment. Further, while you are still married use your wife’s new income to pay down joint debt.
    If you do want to hide assets then the only way to do so is to 1) do some work under the table of which your wife is not aware and get paid in cash or 2) shave cash out of your joint account through irregular, small ATM withdrawals. Never put this cash into a bank account even if it is in someone else’s name. Keep it somewhere safe. Do not even put it into a safe deposit box. As part of your divorce proceedings opposing counsel will get records and have it drilled if he must. Literally you have to hide it in a shoe box. Buy silver or gold if you have a lot of cash.
    The only other thing you can do is 1) make sure you take out no more joint debt. Watch those credit cards. If she starts to splurge be wary. In fact, tell her that you think you should cancel cards and start paying down balances to be financially responsible. It will be hard for her to say no. If you are more devious, you run up the cards right before giving her the walking papers. Half of that debt will soon be hers even though she reaped no benefit.
    Remember there is no easy out, especially for men, when it comes to divorce. You are going to spend a lot of money for lawyers and professionals. Your wife is going to try to take you for everything you are worth because she has this feminist misconception that women can get dirt rich off a divorce. (The only ones who do are those married to rich, rich, rich men who then get a small token payout to hit the road. $10 million sounds like a lot to a suburban housewife but to an actual wife a billionaire it is the equivalent of a weekly expenditure her husband used to allow her to make.) There is little you can do to protect yourself. Even a pre-nup is not absolute protection. It may help some but still prepare to bend over.

    1. Picking up a “drug habit”, timing the “getting caught” to coincide with the planned divorce date, is a time honored way to explain away a fair amount of money gone missing. It even allows wifey a way out, as she gets to revel in the sympathy of her friends when telling how “I never knew….. he’s been spending every penny on coke, then trying not to disappoint me by wining it all back by making ever bigger bets, until he finally lost it all. Now, if I don’t help him pay off his debts, they’re gonna beat him to death / kill him…… Poor guy, he is really nice, just made a few wrong choices in life….”
      Anyway, look into Bitcoin, anonymizing mixers, and people who sell Bitcoin for cash in many cities in the world. No identities revealed. Fiendishly hard to track down.
      Of course, I would never advice anyone to do anything illegal, since doing so may in fact be illegal as well.

    2. Best advice so far, including the hiding the gold coins. You should be doing that whether you are hiding them from your spouse or hiding them from the tax man. It may be all you have left after all the paper is divided.
      It looks better if you are paying down your joint debt at the same time you pay down your individual debt at a faster rate. You don’t want anyone thinking you are smart enough to plan years in advance, like a woman does. When the ex does realize you had planned ahead much further, she will be enraged, but only because she was outwitted. It still must be at the level of plausible deniability for a court.

    3. The question is, how does she pay for a good attorney? For a good attorney it’s easier to fleece an unsuspecting husband than a husband who initiated the whole divorce.

      1. H.G.R., many attorneys will work for free depending on what the other spouses credit report tells them is worth taking. Another great reason for your shoebox to have a boating accident. If you look poor to the opposing attorney, they will lose interest very fast.
        My house and my car are in my parents name now. I make 1/10th of what I used to. Any savings are in a safe deposit box in my parents name. The vultures will look elsewhere now.
        I thoroughly enjoy the look on women’s faces when I tell them I own many things, and nothing is in my name.

      2. She can afford a good attorney because you will be paying his bill. You may even be required by the court to continue paying your soon to be ex’s lawyer bill even after you have to fire your attorney because you can’t afford him anymore. Lost your job – too bad. You are not unemployed. The court considers you not working up to your reasonable potential. Alimony, child support, her lawyer bills, and keeping her on your health insurance nearly 100% of your income. Too bad. The court will say your kids come first and your wife has legal rights. It does not matter if you are sleeping in the spare room of a friend’s house and eating ramen noodles every night. Courts could care less about men. You are just a source of revenue for a woman as far as that lesbian family court judge is concerned.

  13. The important thing to remember here is that I am not an attorney, and I retold this story based on what the ex-wife told me. This article is not advice – it’s me telling a story.
    For those who have legal credentials or have been brutally butt-raped in court, feel free to share the things you’ve learned.

  14. “Step 1: As you approach your 20 year anniversary, less than two weeks after your youngest child turns 18, start a conversation about how important the next few years of your life are and how you’re looking forward to being together forever.”
    Hold on. Married 19 years but the YOUNGEST child is as old as 18?

  15. Here is what happened to me. I always suspected my wife was messing around. I held tight to my kids, and then there was a ruling in the Canadian Supreme Court regarding parents who leave their jobs to care for their children, and that the money lost during that time, comes out first from the maritial divorce estate. I was one of those quit your job so that the wife can get a promotion and you stay home with the kids for about a year. Then, out of nowhere, and I mean nowhere, I inherit a pile of do re mi. The laws in my province are clear, if the money is never co-mingled in the marriage finances, it is separate from the divorce proceedings. I knew this law. Anyways, she was schtupping my business partner, who had not informed his wife that he held separate business assets. So when my ex decided to tell me she was not happy and had to find herself, I was already prepared. When she went out the door and told the kids to come along, they waved good bye to her as I had been the home dad their whole lives. Once she was not going to win the golden child support trophy, the rest was easy. Her pension acruals wiped out her equity in the marital home, I never left the home. I got my own pensions, investments, and the kids, true 50% split with the mom. Then it was time for her boyfriend. I called up his ex wife and gave her the incorporation documents for our business, and when the courts realized that he had tried to put one past them, they dinged him for an extra 300,000 bucks to give to her. And in the end, the new boyfriend tossed her ass to the curb 3 days before common law vesting in our province. So all in all, I only had to suffer that termagant for 14 years, I got all of my cash and more. And my life has been better than you could ever predict.

  16. Some good ideas. The ideal options of course is to avoid getting married in. The first place.

  17. These steps are harsh, and may not actually work. But it just goes to show the lengths that a man would have to go to in order to secure his assets, while a woman can just rely on existing laws to pillage everything he has worked for.

  18. Having your family commit perjury is a horrible idea. A better option would be to take a trip to Las Vegas and withdraw the money from your accounts from the ATM in the casino. You can then say you lost $xx,xxx gambling and that you might have an addiction.
    Another option to hide cash would be to buy silver and gold coins every so often for years in advance without her knowing. The key is to make it untraceable, pay with cash. If you hide away $20 per week for 20 years that is $20,000 saved. $40 would be $40,000, you get the idea.

    1. Where on earth is he going to get $20/wk..?! After 20 glorious years together $37k is the grand sum of equity. This is a household that funneling a regular amount from- even a measly $20- is going to be noticed. Where do you stash the cash periodically all these years, never being found until you buy the coins, and then where to stash them? You ‘ll be noticed at some point even going to a safety deposit box…20years of weekly cash runs…lmao. Remember to deduct $5 for fuel..!
      The guy is going to take his skills and accept a 5k paycut to travel…? I can’t imagine what piss ant skills he has, but it is clearly not the investment skills you possess, born no doubt from your superior gift with a calculator. Check out gold prices over the last 20 years, because here is your upside…It would be a lot more than 40k sitting under your pillow.
      Now would it be the same week you get married that you start this, or is it after you return from the honeymoon..? Could be the same week i guess Motel 6 is it? I can’t imagine you’d plan anywhere special for someone your already planning to rip off.
      Just to clarify i’m all for preventing the shafting that guys receive over asset splits. Done mainly in the name of being responsible to pay to not see your kids, and continue your contractual obligations in marriage while allowing her to default on hers, but why all this blatant treachery? Dont get married if you want to stay the player. Simple..
      Oh and get a better job and a proper investment advisor…Not all girls are gold diggers, but i’ve never known one that aspired to be with a old man on a pension. Up your chances a little just in case someone nicks your gold coins 🙂

  19. you’d need to hide the money a bit better, but the idea is sound.,….. revenge is a dish best served cold……

  20. You want to be rid of a contract you made? Take the manly way. Pay that which you owe per the legal contract or liive in servitude. Money dosen’t matter half as much as doing what needs be done.

  21. Yer old lady had the plan in hand before you did. She’s not Haaaaaapy. So get divorced and bang. You’re a dope Thatch. We’re way ahead of you. You actually had to sleep with the pig for twenty years. Too bad for you.

  22. This article doesn’t adress the question of “Why would a man marry in the first place?”.

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