6 Wedding Gifts For Happiness Ever After

Maybe you’ve sworn off ever getting married, but you’re still getting invited right and left to the weddings of your friends and family. Instead of being that asshole who tries to dissuade your friend from getting hitched, better to wish him luck and arm him with the tools ensure he will live happily ever after. And hey, there’s no reason to limit it to your male friends – you’d want the same for the man marrying your daughter. Set them on the good and righteous path of marital bliss.

 Child Paternity Test Voucher


There may be no children yet, but you want to ensure that amidst all the fracas of childbirth in the future, he knows he’s the father. Hell, he may even object to verifying his wife’s fidelity (“PUSSY!”). Spare him from making that decision, and simply pay his way for a paternity test in advance for his first-born.

A Paddle

John Wayne

You may think that a wife ought to get slapped around disciplined and conditioned on the regular, that pain well-applied begets marital bliss. Good luck persuading the groom of that – odds are he’s a pussy, and there’s little you can do to change that. Instead, give him a paddle. It may go unused at first, but curiosity will get the best of them as it lies on their mantle, beckoning to be used, “just once, to see what it’s like.” A little spanking could have her worshiping the royal scepter in no time.

Bonus: If the man is such a bitch that he ends up getting hit with it, you have earned favor in God’s eyes, for delivering punishment on such an abomination of man.

A Personal Lecture From Dr. Robert Lustig

lindy west

Sugar meets women’s liberation

Lustig is a medical researcher who has declared sugar toxic. He’s internet famous for a YouTube video declaring as much, an impressive feat considering that the video is an hour and a half. The harsh words of Lustig will help to scare her straight from a life of iniquity replete with cupcakes and cronuts. And the groom will be forever indebted to you for his wife’s tiny waist and firm ass.

An All Expenses Paid Honeymoon to the Wichita Falls Athletic Club


Bitches love it when Mark lets it Ripp


Missing: 180 lbs on the bar

You worship at the altar of Mark Rippetoe, author of Starting Strength. And as penance for your pathetic sub-1000 lb squat numbers, you put the couple on a pilgrimage to Wichita Falls. You’re a cheap fuck, and only pay for the essentials for her, the squat and the deadlift instruction. But that’s okay, because all she needs is good posture, a tiny waist and a fat ass anyway; leave the broad backs and pink dumbbells to the tomboys and the flat-assed yuppies. And she won’t do just any squat, but the low bar back squat done well past parallel, and heavy, for maximum ass growth. If the groom is not a big booty luvr, Rippetoe will go apeshit on him and Bert stare him until he becomes one. Not to worry, as a man gets bigger and stronger, his appetite for the Brazilian-sized bunda swells exponentially.

Free Prenup Consultation


Save this for the engagement party actually. Find a local attorney with experience in writing prenuptial agreements for breadwinners, i.e. men. Attorneys often offer free consultations anyway, but pretend you paid for it, so your friend feels pressured to use it, and not just let it go to waste. There’s no better salesman for pre-nups than the man who writes them, so you’re putting your duty to preach the pre-nup gospel in the hands of a pro.

The Hapifork


Conceived by the Chateau and created by a Frenchman, the Hapifork vibrates when the user starts shoveling food into her maw too quickly. For those times when she’s hoovering up cheesecake en masse, the Hapifork will vibrate violently, alerting her to “slow the fuck down, woman.” If she’s been trained well, every time the fork vibrates, she will burst into tears and run to the altar of the squat rack to repent for her gluttony.

Read Next: 5 Signs You Should Marry Her

24 thoughts on “6 Wedding Gifts For Happiness Ever After”

  1. Robert Lustig is a con artist selling snake oil. Partisan diet cultists like to play with the laws of physics to make them appear to suit their talking points, but science has already murdered their arguments.
    The thermic effect of carbohydrate versus fat fee… [Metabolism. 1985] – PubMed – NCBI
    Effects of isoenergetic overfeeding of either carb… [Br J Nutr. 2000] – PubMed – NCBI
    MMS: Error
    The effects of low-carbohydrate versus conven… [Ann Intern Med. 2004] – PubMed – NCBI
    Comparison of the Atkins, Ornish, Weight Watchers, and … [JAMA. 2005] – PubMed – NCBI
    Presence or absence of carbohydrates and the propo… [Br J Nutr. 2010] – PubMed – NCBI
    Obesity – A Randomized Trial Comparing Low-Fat and Low-Carbohydrate Diets Matched for Energy and Protein
    Ketogenic Low-Carbohydrate Diets have no Metabolic Advantage over Nonketogenic Low-carbohydrate diets | BodyRecomposition – The Home of Lyle McDonald
    Bray GA et. al. Hormonal Responses to a Fast-Food Meal Compared with Nutritionally Comparable Meals of Different Composition. Ann Nutr Metab. 2007 May 29;51(2):163-171
    Calories in, calories out holds in every single clinical situation in which it has been tried.

    1. I’ll try and review those later. My two rejoinders:
      Calories from sugar are far less satiating than calories from say, fat or starchy vegetables. 500 calories worth of sour cream will leave you feeling more full than the equivalent in cookies.
      And for instance, many people on a whole foods or paleo style diet never worry about eating too much, because they get full before they’d eat enough to get fat. Even if a calorie is a calorie, some calories will have you eating fewer of them.
      The other is that some foods require calories to digest – 100 calories worth of fresh apple requires more calories than 100 calories of apple sauce. Some foods have fewer calories than their Nutritional Facts would suggest or require calories to digest.
      eg http://m.ajcn.nutrition.org/content/96/2/296.abstract

      1. That’s fair, it’s clear that there’s a substantial difference in the satiation levels of different foods (fatty foods and sugar being far less filling, for instance).
        But guys like Lustig are just going for tabloid-style conclusions (“Sugar is TOXIC”) as the attention generated from such anecdotal proclamations is likely to generate more funding than a modest, well-sourced research paper.
        The hard scientific consensus on dieting (calories in = calories out, don’t be greedy, be more active) terrifies the average Western woman.
        So they take these overblown fad diet claims and assume that if they merely remove sugar/grains/fruit/etc. from their diet, they will automatically be free of their ‘love handles’. The reality is quite different.

        1. You’re also being reductive and oversimplifying the matter. “Calories in / calories out” doesn’t take into account different glycemic loads of different foods which in turn affect insulin levels. There are countless studies that have shown spikes in blood sugar to be detrimental to one’s metabolism (not to mention one’s overall health.) Not all calories are created equal. Use this to determine what foods you should be eating:
          (hint: refined sugar isn’t one of them)

    2. Possibly. But the point is, fat people are ugly as fuck and should be thoroughly discouraged.

  2. I figured this would be tongue in cheek, but I was afraid it might be straight up, like the article about baking soda. Glad to see it brings the funny.
    Unfortunately, when I see friends or family getting married, I haven’t tried to discourage them. I know marriage sucks in the modern world, but I’m still attracted to how it is supposed to work. When I was a young man, and looked forward to finding a loving wife and spending my life with her, I saw successful couples all around me in the small town I grew up in, and in my extended family, church, etc. There have always been unhappy marriages, but there used to be happy marriages too. Even now it’s still possible to have a happy long term marriage, but now the odds are extremely bad, whereas before it was realistically doable.
    Maybe the approach in this article is just the right balance. Even if I don’t feel quite up to telling my friend that his finance’s probably had yards of cock, and he needs to dump her, I can at least recommend in a semi joking manner that he’d better get a prenup and read MMSL.

    1. Yes, you are just going to seem like an asshole by telling him not to marry her. I kept books off this list because they’re often left unread.
      And yup, all the gifts are worth giving, at least if the guy is cool.

      1. It depends. I would tell my friends not to marry if I thought she was batshit crazy. Also, giving my friends warnings about the woman should be done sooner rather than later on the wedding day.
        Once the engagement starts though, there’s really very little point in trying to talk him out of it unless she’s a major liability.

      2. You only look like an asshole if you won’t give up. You won’t seem bad if you just react like this :
        – I’m going to propose her
        – Why on earth would you do that?
        If he’s a really good friend you can follow it with some redpill truth about marriage (if he’s not, why bother?), while being careful not to seem to radical.
        Anyway, Roissy gives the best advice on keeping your girl under control, so if he wrote a book it would be the perfect gift. Your friend may not read it at first, but when problems come, he’ll remember he has it.

  3. As a man prone to disciplining both his kids, and his wife; I approve this message!
    And I am a man whose royal scepter of legendary love and justice swells big in the presence of true Brazilian Bunda swells that only ripple like the ocean tide when I am smacking/banging them proper; not because the bitch has a love affair with Twinkies, MnMs, and frosting. Jes’sayin

  4. when a person I know is getting married i get my friends a large picture frame and have the traditional wedding vows written out. put the vows in the nice frame and make sure to come over to the newlyweds place so the reminder of marriage dues is hung in a spot both will see it everyday. I usually get them to sign it so their writing is at the bottom. everyday of him seeing “cherish her” and her seeing “obey him” has some lasting effects. I cannot say it stopped the divorces, but I have given this gift 6 times and 4 of the couples are still together.
    every marriage needs a “stay together” friend, because , god knows that there will be a lot of outside influence trying to split the love-birds apart.
    your thoughts Goldstein?

      1. I know a few couples that are great. if you want a traditional marriage, you can do it. if you are against LTR/marriages, than you will never see people in a solid, lasting, male dominant and positive union…or am I reading too much into your comment. are you for or against marriage?

    1. I like it. If you’re marrying a woman, you should enjoy cherishing her anyhow.
      This would go well with the Roissy suggestion of getting her to propose. Any time she squabbles with you, you point to the wedding vows or your ring and say, ‘it was your idea, you wanted this.’

      1. I agree, cherish her like a piece of art. if you want marriage. thanks for the speedy reply. I have asked a few of your contemporaries questions and this is the first reply I have gotten. any advise on how to get more replies?
        BTW like your writing style.
        …no ass kissing intended…

  5. In the Greek system, everybody gets a paddle. And those of us who go here know how they’re really meant to be used.

  6. How do you know the bride is the one who would end up being spanked with the paddle? 😉

  7. “An All Expenses Paid Honeymoon to the Wichita Falls Athletic Club”
    “Bert stare”
    “If she’s been trained well, every time the fork vibrates, she will burst
    into tears and run to the altar of the squat rack to repent for her
    It’s official. Return of Kings is ran by /fit/izens.

Comments are closed.