A recent RVF forum thread brought to my attention the degree of ignorance that exists when it comes to tasting and appreciating wine. This saddens me because I respect wine as a beverage, an industry, and a tradition.
You don’t need to shell out thousands of dollars on some exotic label to find a delicious wine that’s right for you. But the first step is to know what your tastes are, because if you don’t know that, then it’s hard to know where to start looking.
I’ll use girls as an analogy. If I asked you what kind of girl you’re after, are you going to give me some vague answer like “motherly virtue,” “great personality,” or “confidence”? No, you’re going to tell me you want tits, ass, legs, and great muscle tone. These are objective and measurable attributes. Likewise with wine it frustrates me to no end when people can’t properly describe what they are tasting. “I just like it” or “it’s just nice and fruity” won’t cut it.
This is going to be a quick and dirty guide just to get you started on thinking about the wines you drink. I hope you’ll have a better idea about your likes and dislikes as you go along. (Much of this is based on the WSET level 3 Systematic Approach to Tasting (SAT), and the notes are available to peruse here.)
Appearance
Before approaching a girl, you observe her from afar to see if she’s hot enough for your tastes. Does she have a cute face or a man-jaw, is her ass round or flat, is she incessantly staring at her smartphone or reading a book on the grass?
Likewise with wine, before drinking you look at it through the glass. The basic things to consider are Clarity, Intensity and Colour, and other miscellaneous stuff like “tears” or sediment.
Clarity – Dirty ho or innocent Madonna? Is the wine hazy or is it clear?
Intensity – Does the girl look like another fucking bimbo airhead or does she look like she can hold a decent conversation? Is the wine light and pale, or dark and deep?”
Colour – You like your girls black, white or Asian? Maybe even mixed race? Pale Asian or tan Asian? With wine, first decide if it’s Red, White, or Rose, then go into detail – e.g., if Red, is it purple, ruby or garnet?
Miscellaneous – Is she wearing flats or high heels, has she shaved her armpits, any piercings or tattoos, etc.? Does the wine have small bubbles, thick legs/tears, sediment? Small observational details can be surprisingly telling.
Nose
Time to approach the target. You’ve observed her from afar, now we close the distance. Things to consider are Condition, Intensity, Aromas, and Development.
Condition – Has she taken a shower? Does she use shampoo or perfume? Is the wine corked or sour? If everything seems fine, continue. If she smells like cats, head to the chopper!
Intensity – Has she put on way too much perfume or is it just a bare whiff that you can’t quite put your finger on? Is the wine subdued or very expressive?
Aromas – What exactly is it that you are smelling? Perfume, shampoo, or old cat lady stench? Is her shampoo floral, coconut, citrus, herbal? Are you getting red, black or blue fruits in the wine? Tropical?
Development – Was the perfume applied 5 minutes or 5 hours ago? Does it smell refreshing or is it getting stale? Is the wine still showing primary fruit or is it showing oxidative/developed elements (e.g. leather, game, toffee, etc…)
Palate
Time to break out the opener. Open your mouth and have a sip. We all know the feeling of over-analysing openers before the approach, and likewise with wine there are going to be a lot more factors to think about. Things to consider are Sweetness, Acidity, Tannin (Red wines only), Alcohol, Body, Flavour Intensity, Flavour Characteristics, Miscellaneous and Finish. Simple, isn’t it?
Sweetness – Is she a cool ice queen or a sweet angelic specimen? Is the wine Dry or Sweet or somewhere in between? How far along the scale is it on?
Acidity – Does the chick have a quick wit, or is she an intellectual marshmallow? Acid gives wines its vibrancy and freshness, so wines lacking in this department are sometimes described as “flabby.” Don’t look for “sourness” when detecting acid, other flavours can hide it. Acid can be detected by “hanging” your tongue so it doesn’t touch the sides of your mouth and seeing how much saliva production the wine induces. More saliva = more acid.
Tannin – This applies to red wines only. Tannins are what causes the mouth-drying sensation when you drink the wine. Sorry guys, can’t think of a girl-related anecdote for this one.
Alcohol – Is the girl soft-spoken or fiery? Alcohol is detected by the sensation of heat on the back palate. This isn’t always correlated with the alcohol percentage indicated on the bottle. I’ve had wines at 15%ABV that were approachable because all the other elements came together nicely, and others at 12% where the alcohol was very evident because there wasn’t much else going on.
Body – This is kind of a “whole package” consideration – Has the girl demonstrated she has a lot of depth to her, or is she as interesting as a feminist hipster? Has the wine shown you enough depth and complexity to be full-bodied, or is it just a light-bodied wine, nothing wrong with it but nothing to write home about?
Flavour Intensity – Is the girl outgoing or is talking to her like pulling teeth? Is the wine naturally expressive or do you have to swallow a mouthful to get any flavour?
Flavour Characteristics – You’ve gotten to know her, so what are the girl’s hopes, dreams and passions? What flavours are coming out of the wine? Wood? Spice? Fruits? What kind of fruit, and in what condition – fresh, dried and canned fruits all have their distinctive attributes.
Miscellaneous – Anything that hasn’t been discussed above – has the girl been congruent? Does she say she’s a virgin but has lots of tattoos and piercings? Is the wine well-balanced or is it all over the place? Tannin is something I like to focus on here, because there are lots of different expressions – silky, velvety, astringent, chalky…
Finish – Did your conversation with the girl end after one minute or one hour? Does the wine linger on the palate forever, or does it fade quickly, forcing you to take another sip?
Conclusions
Judgement time. Will you call her and set up a date? Drinks, dinner or just pizza and movie at your place? Things to consider are Quality, Readiness for Drinking, Identity, and Price.
Quality – Obviously this is a very personal and subjective category and as a wine aficionado I like to be generous. Most girls have done nothing to deserve a harsh rating, so be gentle. If she was a total bitch, give her the benefit of the doubt because maybe she’s had a bad day. If the girl is outstanding, lock her down and enjoy. If the wine is poor just put aside the glass and order another. If the wine is outstanding, buy a hundred cases and stash them in your cellar.
Readiness – Is she breathing heavily and dripping wet for you, or is there LMR to overcome? Is the wine ready to drink now, or too young and needing time to open up?
Identity – Is she a ONS or LTR material? Maybe she even reminds you of your ex. Does this wine remind you of anything you’ve had before? Where is the wine from and what varietal is it?
Price – Is she easy to please or a golddigger? Is the wine fantastic value for money, or will you only splurge on special occasions?
So that’s about it. It’ll take lots of drinking and tasting before you can consider all of the above in a natural manner, but the point isn’t memorization. You just need to be aware of these factors when tasting wine, not just whether or not the label looks pretty. We all know how feminist landwhales deceive us with camera angles on dating sites.
In the end it’s not about the wine, it’s about you. You’re the one who’s going to have to drink it. Just like with girls, in the end you’ll be the one who will have to deal with her bullshit. So know what you want and never compromise.
I am going to have to read this a few more times. I am not really into wine, but maybe I haven’t found the characteristics I’ve liked, like a virgin jerking to national geographic.
Thanks for an easy reading list, to help guide me.
I live in the Napa Valley, home to some of the best wine in the world. Now the Napa Valley is no Vegas or Miami, but the amount of women, from the age of 21-45 that come here between May and October is unbelievable. Wine tasting is very much a couples thing or for women. Rarely ever do you see a group of guys out on a wine vacation, and if you do, most likely they are gay. The food scene has exploded here as well. Educate yourself on good wine and how to pair wine with food and spend a few days hitting the wineries and it’s an easy lay. I live here and I can’t even count how many times I’ve ended up in some 32 year old east coast girls hotel room, most of them are in a relationship too. They come here for a weekend drunken escape from reality but try to stay classy by telling everyone they went to the Napa Valley instead of Vegas pool parties.
Fucking wine snobs cheating on their boyfriends.
Stay classy bro.
Dont listen ro the fag, fuck the slut if the opportunity arises.
and score a scorching case of gential herpres…. just kiddin.. but yeah women in fmerika have no virtue any more so what the heck….. just never be the borefriend or husband.
One of Roosh’s bangs in his book “30 Bangs” was also at a wine festival.
The age-old triad for the enjoyment of life: wine, women, and song.
And the same critical eye (or ear, rather) may be applied to song as to the other two.
Speaking of wine and woman and song, this is where I come from me boys:
“If the Devil would take her,
I’d thank him for his pain,
I swear to God I’ll hang meself
If I get married again!”
Yes, pirates live.
Id have to say most of the females in my city would be either Boones Farm or Mad Dog 20-20
That’s why you gotta travel and explore the Old World. French chicks, Italian chicks, Spanish chicks…
American chicks wishing they were French chicks, Italian chicks, Spanish chicks …
You know, like Vicky Christina Barcelona, except without the lawyer-like bitch trying to end all the fun. 🙂
“Are you her lawyer?” Best neg ever.
Indeed. I was making a list of which drink I would compare most Bedfordshire women to.
Thunderbird, White Lightning and Buckfast Wine Tonic come to mind.
Nice article, man. Good work.
Nice and informative article here. I just can’t get into drinking wine though, my liver is very bad and needs punishing in the form of whisky and scotch.
Even if you aren’t a wine drinker ,like myself, it still pays off to check out a wine festival sometime. Women love those things and are typically in very social moods at them.
I’m a pretty big Scotch fan myself, got a bottle of Macallan 12YO stashed on my bookcase. Look into fortified wines like Port and Sherry if you need something with a higher alcohol content.
And with this article I am officially off the wagon; I had a bottle of wine hidden away in my dresser as I knew this day would come anyway. I wish I could blame RoK but I had it premeditated all along. Cheers! 😀
Good for you.
Drinking beer makes you look like a pleb and you will never get into the upper tiers of the New Order within our society that way.
nice to see a fellow booze guzzler
I didn’t think it was possible to have as much empty allegoric sophistry in so numerous a group of words.
Just don’t confuse wordiness with articulation and we’ll be fine.
i gave up on high-class wine after reading about that experiment where they put cheap-ass wine in bottles of thousand-dollar wine, then invited professional wine-tasters to sample the stuff. conclusion? even the ‘experts’ were fooled and said that the cheap stuff was the freaking nectar of the gods. i’m too lazy to look up a link but i’m sure you can use google if you care to read for yourself. so…yeah…i’m never gonna shell out for the top-shelf booze.
Beer is just fine, thanks.
I’ve been drinking mostly wine for the last several months, dry reds 99% of the time. Well the odd shot of Jack Daniels can get in there too .. haha. But wine has that something to it. My favourite at the moment is Stellenbosch’s Simonsig. It’s so meaty and full you can practically chew it, yet goes down so easily without any unpleasant after taste. It’s other lovely characteristic is that it’s deceptively powerful, so I love to drink it during a first drinks date with a new girl. By the time we’re half way through the bottle, good ole Simon is kicking in and her inner slut is raging to come out .. lolz.
On a more serious note, it’s been widely documented now that red wine is a very healthy drink (in moderation of course). The reservatrol or whatchacallit it contains is very beneficial to the heart and arteries and also seems to help protect against other diseases. Data shows that moderate drinkers are healthier and longer lived than both non drinkers and heavy drinkers. Even more reason to enjoy a good glass a few times a week. Beer, while also enjoyable (especially in summer) tends to raise estrogen in men, which is not very good. So it’s advisable to enjoy it moderately.
Here’s a raised glass to all you kings 🙂
Hangover. Ugh. On the wagon again.
This article is well done. I’m 30 and started drinking wines about 5 years ago. I went to a scotch and wine tasting and suddenly discovered I could tell the difference. I highly recommend this to all of you – usually these are free at the larger local stores. Start with the whites and moves to the reds. When you taste them one after another you can develop your palate. As much as I love my scotch and whiskey… getting back to your place and opening a bottle of Glenlivet isn’t going to set the mood with a ONS.
I’m a scotch and bourbon drinker myself. I prefer Lagavulin, often resort to Macallan (half the price) or Basil Hayden. Wine is for sharing. Being able to do pairings with one of a dozen or so standby wines is enough to make anyone happy, including yourself, if you’re a modest wine fan. A real enthusiast is next level, of course, but I’d rather have my scotch, except that scotch does NOT go well with mildly-flavored foods. Plus, if you like to cook and that’s part of your M.O. for home game bangs, I’ve found that being able to cook something that you can casually flavor with a dash of the wine you’ve got open seems to make left and right knees allergic to each other.
I went on a wine farm tours across temecula but honestly I could never get into wine. I enjoy tasteful beer and liquor. Perhaps it’s not for everyone.
This is precisely why I am a whisky drinker.
All wine tastes more or less the same to me, much like how all women are fundamentally the same.
Is that also why you’re exclusively into men?
Whiskey is a great drink. I had to stop drinking it though because it has a bad effect on me.
I have spent a lot of time in Scotland. The Scottish have really good water. If you are drinking a glass of Scotch you can taste the Scottish water.
The Japanese even import Scottish water to make their “whiskey”.
The only whiskey is Scottish..
Rose? Are you serious? Rose is just cheap plonk designed for airhead bimbos who are trying to act sophisticated. There are some highly revered French Roses but what’s available in most shops is nothing more than alcoholic grape juice.
If you are just starting out with wine it’s highly recommended to start with new world wines and work your way towards French mastery.
My favourite new world reds are South African and Chilean. Chilean wines often have fantastic spicy notes without going to deep and explosions of fruity notes without being too sweet. A good South African red is hard to obtain if you live outside of Africa. The export versions of South African wine has been loaded with additives to make the wine available to the Western pallet. But if you can get your hands on a South African red made for the South African market you will be able to tell the difference. Look out for the Boschendal and Nederburg labels as they are the closest you will get to real South African wine in a Western wine store.
It goes without say that the French make the best wine in the world. French viticulture has the benefit of centuries of experience. However French wines can be hard work for the undiscerning pallet and not the best choice to start your wine journey. If you do want to find a good French red to start off with then I would recommend a bottle of Chateaunuef-du-Pape.
France is not the only European wine country of course. The Spanish are famous for their Rioja wines and you really aren’t having Tapas unless you are washing it down with a class of Rioja. It’s like making love to a beautiful flamenco dancer.
The Italians make great wines and their reds are often very easy to drink. The next time you are making pasta or eating Neapolitan style pizza makes sure you have a bottle of Chianti near by.
There is of course the world of white wine. I am fairly new to this world but have made some amazing discoveries. My first introduction to good white wine was from drinking Chablis at business lunches. Chablis is actually a small town in the Burgundy region of France. Chablis labelled wines are almost always Chardonnay and it is the best dam Chardonnay you will ever taste. Chablis is not the cheapest though and a bottle can set you back from the region of $25 to $500. A bottle of $25-40 Chablis is well worth the coast.
Another recent discovery of mine is Rhine Riesling. The “Rhine” refers to the famous German river but the wine is produced on both the French and German sides of the river (connoisseurs often argue over which side produces the best). The “Riesling” is the name of the grape that the wine is produced. Rieslings are generally priced in the mid range and easy to get your hands on. I like to drink it so cold it is almost frozen. Riesling is a very acidic grape and serving it ice cold adds to the already sharp tannins in the wine. The first time I bought a bottle I enjoyed it so much I went straight out and bought a second bottle and got completely smashed. Fantastic white wine.
Wine is certainly one of life’s greatest joys.
Don’t be that needy, and try some Hungarian whines, speacialy from Szekszárd region. (Dúzsi, Takler, Fekete) Try their rose and you will know why it is a really awesome. (they beat the french wines for years in international comp)