Several readers have asked me recently how best to deal with fear of rejection. As we know, this is an issue when it comes to meeting women, but it also permeates all areas of life, as rejection is a necessary evil you will encounter in every sphere assuming you want to do more than sit in your bedroom playing Call of Duty and relaxing to PornHub.
Accepting that rejection is entirely normal and happens to everyone is the first step. Hard though it may be to believe, every guy, no matter how good looking, built, rich and famous he may be has experienced rejection at some point in his life. A friend of mine is a tall, handsome, Ivy League-educated guy who works on Wall Street. On the checklist marked “Things Women Want” he scores highly – and yet he still gets turned down by women, more often than not.
You only have to look at the recent story about Arsenal player Alexis Sanchez and Camila Andrade, former Miss Chile, to see that even high-profile athletes face rejection too. In the dating market, there are simply too many variables and too many hidden agendas for anyone to ever achieve a 100% success rate.
Unfortunately, an intellectual understanding of this doesn’t help much when you’re at a bar, you’ve had a drink, and you’ve summoned up the courage to approach that pretty girl beside the DJ box, only for her to screw up her face, give you the hand, and then laugh about you with her friends as you sidle off defeated. Sadly, contemporary manners being what they are, this kind of harsh brush-off happens all too frequently.
So how do you deal with such an encounter – or worse, how do you prevent the fear of such an encounter stifling you and making you too nervous to approach in the first place? Having spent some time analyzing the roots of my own fear of rejection, I believe that the answer is that you should aim to cultivate an attitude of positive self-interest.
What Is Fear of Rejection?
Fear of rejection comprises a number of discrete fears, the foremost of which is probably that you’re not good-looking or sexy enough for her (and so by extension won’t be for anyone else). But there is also the fear that in the very act of approaching you have upset her (and any bystanders) socially – that your behavior has been gauche.
There is the fear that what you said wasn’t clever enough to impress her and her friends. There is the fear that the clothes you are wearing aren’t fashionable enough for her taste, or that your haircut doesn’t perhaps meet with her approval. On a base level, you are afraid that because you don’t measure up to whatever arbitrary standards this stranger holds, that this is confirmation that you are not fit to reproduce and that your genes will be “mercilessly weeded out of existence.” Further, you are also wary of physical reprisals for your audacity from other members of her tribe.
Have you noticed how every fear I’ve listed above relates to her opinion of you? When you walk away with that terrible sinking feeling after a rejection, it is to a large degree because you are disappointed that you have been assessed by a woman and found wanting – you have not measured up to her standards. In effect, you are upset because you have disappointed her.
It is precisely this mindset that you need to reverse. Most men expend too much energy thinking about how they can please women (and employers, business contacts and so on). Instead, they should concentrate first on pleasing themselves.
How Can Positive Self-Interest Help?
How might this work in practice? In the end, most situations are binary – you either get what you want or you don’t. If you go to a nightclub with the desire of meeting a woman for a one-night stand, then that desire will either be met or it won’t. There isn’t really a middle ground (OK, you might get a phone number, but that’s really just a consolation prize). What you should do is focus all of your mental energies solely on the outcome you desire, and judge everything only by whether or not that outcome is achieved or not, not on what people think of you.
Say you approach a group of three girls, start speaking to the most attractive of them and she rebuffs you, and her friends laugh. The only important piece of data to take away is that you didn’t get laid. Nothing else matters. Her rudeness and her friends’ laughter are irrelevant – white noise. You have to be tough with yourself emotionally at first, but when you place your own positive self-interest firmly above what other people think of you you’ll be surprised how quickly the sting of rejection disappears. Your only concern, in other words, should be what you did or didn’t get out of the interaction. Whether or not you lived up to whatever stupid arbitrary standards she had in mind is irrelevant.
The reality is that we live in a hugely populated world, and there is no such thing as consensus. Even if 99% of all women think you’re ugly, that still means that there are millions of woman in the world who would give you a shot – you just need to find them. Even if 99% of people think your business proposition sucks, you still have more potential customers worldwide than you could ever hope to service. For this reason you should never worry too much about the opinion of one individual – instead, you should focus on what it is you want and commit to a strategy for attaining it.
By and large, violent reprisals for minor social faux pas are rare, so you can sometimes afford to make mistakes and be a little goofy when you speak to people. What you must do is develop positive self-interest, decide on what you want and commit to making that your central focus. This is actually a very alpha behavior – do you really think the jerk in the bar cares if people see him get blown out by a girl? Do you really think Richard Branson cares that people think he’s an idiot because Virgin Clothing failed?
Of course not – they’re both too focused on their own paths. Remember, whenever you attempt anything, you will get feedback from the world – a lot of it will be negative, and some will be positive. It’s irrelevant. What you must do is develop mental toughness, nurture your self-interest, note simply whether you’ve won or lost, and block everything else out. In time, your fear of rejection will diminish until it’s a barely discernible hum in the background.
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The other night I got accepted and rejected. No fucks were given.
Here’s a strategy I’ve successfully used: when you approach a group, have a predetermined second best option who is still acceptable, but objectively slightly less attractive than the primary target. Keep the initial approach on the primary target brief, and if you get the bitch face blow out, publicly point out that you’re actually not interested in her and were actually trying to meet her friend.
This immediately flips the tables, because she’s getting blown out. It also triggers the innate jealousy of women who hate each other. Ultimately, you’ll likely end up with a safety option in the number 2 if other things don’t pan out.
Bonus points – don’t leave, and instead stick around chatting up the number 2 while completely ignoring the primary. Careful though. She may get so enraged that she’ll try to rape you in the bathroom to prove to herself that you want her.
“completely ignoring the primary”
An ignored woman is throwing fits inside and the contest of attrition has begun.
Interesting idea. Going to try this myself actually.
One good approach I’ve tried with groups & my friend/wingman is we’ll walk up to a table of girls & ask them whos beard they prefer more…(I have a short, clean, blonde, tight beard & his is darker & much longer). We literally talk to tons of girls this way & females are always interested in participating in this. Got lid several times doing this too & so has he…
You are not asking for permission to enter her world, you are assess her fitness for yours.
Exactly, YOU are pre-qualifying HER.
À bientôt,
Mistral
Both are prequalifying each other in different ways for varying reasons.
We’re talking about proper “approach mentality”, for guys who are not natural extroverts. If you’re worried about things being “even” or whatever, then there’s always Jezebel, XOJane, etc., dear.
À bientôt,
Mistral
I visit those too. They are similar to this site but present a vastly different perspective. They are equally extreme, equally narrow and hence imbalanced, equally biased, equally hostile to those posing another viewpoint, etc.
Being moderate in most political and personal beliefs, I find these sites interesting, entertaining, and a perfect place to practice debate.
Are there any other extremist sites that you would like to you recommend?
How you spend your time doesn’t matter to me. My point was (and remains) that your “equalism” post is irrelevant to the discussion at hand. Because it is.
À bientôt,
Mistral
if you say something to a guy and he shrugs or ignores you, you couldn’t care less……..ain’t no different with women
Knowing when not to approach is just as important as fear can help preventing from a fool of yourself.
I am a natural extrovert and a skilled conversationalist. I don’t make a fool of myself. Sure, sometimes ladies aren’t interested, but so it goes. That’s life.
And you’re talking to at least four or five others anyway, so “Eh” is exactly right.
Exactly, she needs to prove that she’s worth your time, if not then next her
I think this applies to anybody.
“Must act aloof and disinterested… Must act aloof and disinterested… Must act aloof and disinterested…”
Well, it really sucks that our world has come to this now, especially since we seldom even actually talk to women on the phone unless it’s a committed “I love you”-type relationship ::shudder:: So, since texting is now the Number One way to communicate with the opposite sex, you have to set some standards for yourself here. Observe our society. Women seldom look up now, and even at work or in class they are texting incessantly (Which makes the “I’m just so busy with work and school!” cop out even more meaningless when you hear it and is your cue to just disappear without even explaining!). Doesn’t matter the industry or what the HR handbook says, they’ll sneak in texts and selfies after doing a perimeter scan and making sure it’s “safe”. Or, duck into the bathroom often (who ever questions why women go to the bathroom so much?). To make a tired point, if she still has a pulse, her phone is never, EVER further away from her than her arm can reach. Every waking moment, everywhere. They use the motherfucker so much to where you see there having to charge it in public spaces, sometime even in the most awkward places like the electrical outlet under a drinking fountain (classy, right?)! So, if she takes her sweet-ass time texting you back, well, that’s exactly what she’s doing, straight-up! It’s a power posture. “I’m too busy/important/aloof to respond in timely and respectful manner and it might show interest and that can’t happen because I like having many options!” is basically what you can glean from it. She saw the text, probably mere seconds after it was delivered, count on it.
Then, count YOUR options and decide if you need to replace any that are getting stale and being unappreciative! When you text our send a pic, they should be flattered, bottom line!
What annoys me are the unexpected rejections. The girl gives you all the signs and then rejects you right at the end. Usually they have motive in this.
Yes, it’s called being an attention whore.
À bientôt,
Mistral
That and more! See my reply to J.Hue
“Yes, it’s called being an attention whore”
Exactly. Attention literally is currency in the world of hormonal driven animals. Even if you look at a female you are validating her.
That, plus chicks absolutely get off on leading guys on and then flushing them down the toilet.
You should be thankful the minx rejected you in order to avoid a future of misery.
I only wanted one night of “misery” 🙂
Don’t let it annoy you. Expect it. Shit happens.
But if it works out, then great! But don’t expect it WILL happen. You have really nothing to lose, but all to gain. Just don’t buy her shit. Only give her the privilege of talking to you.
Well it really annoyed me (this occurred the other day) because I essentially had a choice between two girls (friends of each other). One was eating out of my palm all night (basically she was putting her pussy on a plate and asking me to help myself), the other was being “friendly”. Anyway I grabbed my coat and was saying “bye” and Miss Friendly asked me to wait, grabbed her coat and came with me (uninvited)! Her friend whispered in my ear that she was disappointed she “wasn’t the one” but oh well.
Anyway long story short, later on Miss Friendly rejected my advances, leaving me looking at her like “what the fuck did you come with me for?” She basically took pussy right off my dick!
So yeah I was mad. I’m over it now but this is what I meant by motive. She had to know her friend liked me and she decided to screw her friend. Cockblocking bitch!. I was the unwitting pawn in all of this.
Watch out for that trap my fellows.
Yeah, that’s a rough one. Just when you think you’ve got the sale in the bag. Used to bother me a lot when i first started out. Now, it just bothers me less & less.
I find it hard to be truly outcome independent here. That feeling never holds for long but it still triggers.
The attitude you should have when you get denied is ZFG – Zero Fucks Given. Your self-worth should not be contingent on the capricious opinions of young women. If you get shot down, treat it with equanimity. If you act like a dick about it, you’re going to be remembered as a dick.
Dating and mating is a numbers game. The only way to succeed over the long term and the only way to get over and “fear” of rejection is to approach, approach, approach. Soon, you will barely notice when a girl denies you.
Work on yourself first: your level of fitness, your hobbies and interests, etc. That will help YOU and it will also build your SMV, as a by product.
À bientôt,
Mistral
This.
Well, she wasn’t wrong about that SMV evaluation, was she?
Play on, playa.
I can only agree. 🙂
À bientôt,
Mistral
Rejection can be valuable. It gives you a reason to improve yourself. But it is important not to seek to validate girls’ expectations. Achieve your own goals.
Here is what works for me.
1) Look your best (wear whatever makes you feel great walking around town)
2) Be your best (different for everyone)… train hard, work hard, party hard, build great friendships, take the high road, learn to recognize value.
2) Start conversations with strangers all the time… men, women, girls, boys, dogs, old fogies, baristas, hot-dog vendors, immigrants, etc… doesn’t matter as long as you’re trying to make someone’s day and you feel like a human being.
3) Take that positive energy with you in your approaches to women and game them with whatever is your style. I go for a paradox sorta persona… Where I’m completely serious about life and my passions but I make it obvious that I think life is a hilarious joke and we should laugh about it while we’re here with each other. I guess I give off a little bit of both r and k-selected vibes… Never thought of that before now actually.
But yeah… I think the right mindset is that you should go out there and date-yourself really…
People underestimate the value in the second #2) “Start conversations with strangers all the time…”
This serves so many purposes in development and networking, it’s highly overlooked and crushes social anxiety.
Doing this habitually, 10 years ago changed my outlook on life.
While it’s more interruptive with everyone’s phones and earbuds in, it’s almost always worth the effort, and a great way to leave your influence on society.
Advice worthy of an article itself. I like this.
When I first discovered the “Red Pill”, about four years ago, I did exactly that. I talked to everyone. Small conversations. I eliminated all sexual thought and talked – and surprise surprise I caught a lot of interest from women. At one time I talked so passionately, about cigarettes, with a girl in a gas station, that the vendor behind the at the counter, who was standing there listening and looking incredulous, suggested that we should buy something or go on a date somewhere else. As soon as he said that – I froze. Hard. The momentum crashed with the sudden realization that I was having an intense talk with a hot girl (the subject – tobacco – didn’t matter, it was stupid but it got the job done). Needless to say it didn’t go anywhere.
The point is this is hard work. At normal times i find most people dull and boring and can’t be bothered to take an interest. When an attractive girl comes along things change. Suddenly i’m very interested. But if you spent your day sulking around it’s hard to spark that initial conversation out of the blue. That’s why you need to practice talking with everyone.
Just a reminder don’t overdo it. Talking too much without restraint put’s people off. Either it has energy and it ramps up to the point – at which you should ask for a number, or it fizzles off and you can each go their different ways.
There’s more, lots more. But I’m lazy by default so I’ll just stop here.
“But if you spent your day sulking around it’s hard to spark that initial conversation out of the blue. That’s why you need to practice talking with everyone.”
Exactly.
And also what I found personally is that there are a lot of people out there who really appreciate it that a stranger took 2 minutes out of their day to talk to them. Some people are stuck up assholes for sure but it is surprising how many people really appreciate a smile or a simple joke.
But like you said you can’t overdo it.
the 2nd #2 is something I have always struggled with and have made a concerted effort to improve on this past year. Practicing small talk with anyone is great practice for when the ‘game’ is on. I used to think it was a waste of time to engage in small talk, especially with other men but as time has gone on and I’ve become more comfortable, I notice people engaging me in conversation more too. Body language or ‘vibes’ are something people pick up on and that to me ties in point #1, when you look like you give a shit people respect you and value your company/conversation more. All this pc bullshit about its whats on the inside that matters most is just that, bullshit.
Yeah exactly right.
I honestly do believe that was is on the inside is what matters… I’d rather speak philosophy with a wise homeless man than a well-dressed Daddy’s boy any day… Some of my closest friends are low-socioeconomic status.
But no matter what… How you look makes a difference… I’m not saying to go out and dress like everyone else but rather to make a concerted effort to, as you said, look like you give a shit. People will automatically treat you with more respect.
And regarding point #2… I think the best thing is to just start small… smile and start conversations with literally anybody… If you’re at the bus-stop and an old lady looks at you, show her your smile… If she’s a cunt, fuck her… but a lot of people are lonely and really appreciate just a bit of human contact.
Betas and women will try to make you feel abnormal for starting conversations with “strangers”. They can beat this into your mindset if you are not strong.
One thing that has proved annoying at times is trying to approach women at deafening venues where I can neither hear my own groups conversations let alone my own voice (whilst simply raising my voice proves very taxing at times).
Seem to fare much better when outside / on roofs, in smoker areas or quieter venues / areas.
Always hated clubs myself. Very loud, expected to act a fool on the floor, cannot hear and 10,000 clock blocks trying to get you to go home alone.
Best place to meet women, for me, were private parties and college.
Best dates I had were usually Victorian graveyard noontime picnics. (Seriously)
Different and interesting beats loud and crowded any day of the wek.
Club game isn’t that bad, but you need a different mojo. It’s not for everyone and you have to stick to what works for you.
I am not a great dancer, I hated screaming into people’s ears, but I’ve scored in club game using body language and extreme boldness (for ex., I was once in a club with broken air conditioning, I asked the bar man for a huge pitcher full of ice and went around randomly rubbing ice on girls’ foreheads until I found one who smiled. My “ice breaker” hehe, was literally to grab a cube and rub it on a girl’s forehead to cool her down. This is a true story, and it was a different time in those days, people didn’t get all weird if you were social with them).
From your posts, you seem like more of a rugged individualist – club isn’t your game. One-on-one in quiet places is your game. I’m not saying this for you necessarily, but maybe other younger guys who are like you.
Nothing wrong with either approach, but you gotta stick to “what brought you to the dance” (hehe).
When the club is so loud that you have to shout in the ear right next to the person so they can hear you, there is nothing to judge you on but appearance.
Outcome dependent. It’s never a good place to be. Good article.
Frankly, why should one fear rejection? Not every girl is going to be attracted to every guy. A man can simply move to the next one.
Oddly, I have observed how some men have ventured toward the so-called manosphere for this reason alone, a reason that in my opinion is not particularly respectable.
You have got to understand though, it may be the best reason in this sense, a man needs to lead. Although their penises lead them to the manosphere, what truly gets what women and creates a huge change towards becoming a man of character, is drive, motivation, perseverance, self-leadership, creativity, and competence coupled with confidence. It may not be the most glorious of needs to exalt for change, but that it can create the groundwork for some major life changes can not be denied.
Quite true. However, my introduction into the manosphere was simply by way of observation and research. It did not require a woman to injure my ego nor bitterness for some passed plight, either real or imaginary. Your point is nevertheless well taken.
I used to fear rejection early on when I first started dating. Now after so many women and having had my ‘fill’ of sex and their bullshit, I instead hope for rejection and fear their herpes and HPV.. Lol..!
Good article. I never thought of it that way before: we fear rejection because we fear disappointing the girl or whoever. Even after we take the red pill it takes time to root out the falsehoods and beta programming many of us received growing up.
You need to derive your sense of self worth from what YOU do and who YOU are. If you value yourself based on who you are fucking then you will fear rejection and pull less. It’s a viscous cycle. Go to the gym. Start a company. Love yourself more than anything.
Any man should be able to tell what kind of woman he is approaching before he even approaches. I can spot a ” bitch ” from a mile away. The key is that you should at least watch her body language for a bit before you approach, see how she interacts with the friends and the people around her. If she seems like a brat then be prepared to get possibly.humiliated, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Getting denied is part of the game. Being humiliated and laughed at is avoidable. Giving a bitch the ” go ” to laugh and belittle you is only making the entire sexual marktet place worse and only empowers her behaviour in the future.
Im of the opinion that men should stop approaching these types all together. Let them starve until the lack of attention forces them to act right.
“Im of the opinion that men should stop approaching these types all together. Let them starve until the lack of attention forces them to act right”
I hear ya and I’m all for that, but we both know that will never happen.
Thanks to the chumps on the smartphone apps.
Patrice O’Neal had a theory about different types of women, some are bears, some are deers, and some are rabbits. The kind of girl you are talking about is a bear. She is going to be really aggressive and abrasive in her response to your presence. But if you up her response and you check that sh*t in, from that point on she will get wet every time she sees you. It’s crazy how quick the situation can flip.
I remember this point made by Patricle exactly. I even remember him saying he went exactly for these types of women. Good man, sad he passed away.
Yeah, definitely a good man, before his time in so many ways. But he did say he liked Bears. Personally, I like deers myself, but since I have lived around bears my whole life, I learned how to handle them. A bear is a asshole , and there is only one thing that can [email protected] an asshole , and that is a d$ck!
Except these bitches tend to be the most attractive women, which is of course why they feel entitled to bitch. They have abundance mentality, and facts are, I doubt they’re going to be starved of attention any time soon in our society
This is solid advice. Many Game authors mention this at some point or another in their work; but this article delves deeper into a subject that has to be refreshed into the brain periodically. Especially after a series of blown outs when it is important to try to keep things in perspective. I am copying it to my article selection archive.
The bottom line gentlemen, The opinions of other people irrespective of gender are secondary.
Picture has at least two homos.
I believe men should start from the toughest to the easiest part of game.
1st of all things – approach to get rejected. Go after the most unattainable, the one who is showing “signs” of bitchiness or disinterest, the one who is in a group of 12 girls.
This is a paradigm shift, but it makes sense. Approach to get rejected. Get the idea of rejection in your mentality.
dam…it sucks…but you’re right.
To quote the great Patrice oneal ,rest n pimp. ” you gotta toughen up your leather”
Solid advise. I used to be very shy but life’s experiences help a lot. When you get rejected you cannot let it get to you. Remember that she could have “rejected” you for many reasons.
This is a good article.
How to Combat rejection. Easy. Understand that the hottest woman in the world will hit the wall and her mind will be used to being worshipped while her looks with not allow her to get that anymore. It’s karma.
Yes. Take notice how cuntly women ages 30-35 are. They are very angry at nature & the world but still whine, bitch & moan like they’re 22 as they’re so used to being spoiled from their sexy years in their 20’s. After about the age of 36 or so, they’re brought back down to Earth & become somewhat pleasant to be around again but they will regret all the booze, tattoos, tanning booths & fast food from their late 20’s. I really don’t like dating these mean 30-35 women in USA. So weathered, entitled, mean & gross. Not to mention that they’re all set to start squirten-out babies because that biological clock is ticking at about age 33 or so.
3 Tips: Go foreign, MGTOW or date girls in their early 20’s
When you internalise past rejections, you become introverted and avoid interaction with women, when you externalise past rejection, you may still approach women but you are aggressive and gruff, and the reason you feel rejection in the first place is because you have objectified girls, and they (in your mind) have objectified you, and that dents your ego.
I love this article. We shouldn’t “open our hearts” to somebody who “rejects” us. Shit happens! Not every girl is going to say yes to every guy. There will be many possible reasons why she has ultimately said no. A man can simply move to the next one. There are more gorgeous girls out to approach, talk to, get to know.. More and more dating websites are popping up such as http://www.tempted.com & http://www.supermodelclub.com shy, older guys are using them to meet attractive, younger women.
I would assume in going up to the group of three girls and hitting on the second most attractive one would work better. She’d be the one more likely to say yes, and it could cause the hotter one to try to work for your attention. Still relatively new to this, just thinking out loud here.
It’s one logic, yes. I focus less on examining my failures & more on my triumphs.
For example…”Why did I land that girl? Where did we meet? What was the venue? What did I say at first?”
To give you a good tip….About a year ago, I realized my approaches to groups of women was almost always met with failure while isolated approaches yielded many successes. I always wait for a girl to walk up to the bar, bathroom, coatrack ect. Try to isolate her from the herd.
If you’re approaching a table of 3…then you must impress 3 women instead of just one. I hope this all makes sense. Good luck.
I agree with the 2nd point as well. Start conversations with strangers as well. You are helping to develop your social and conversational skills. And you are always looking to learn and get better.
Positive self interest whenever you enter a social interaction. Never mind what “people” say. You are out to please yourself. Strangers mean nothing because oftentimes they are not a source of your money or your poontang.
Be bold and continue to march.
“Most men expend too much energy thinking about how they can please women (and employers, business contacts and so on). Instead, they should concentrate first on pleasing themselves.”
Wow….Great words. Helped me think of a good new line too. Thanks, Troy Francis for submitting an article to ROK that benefits me personally.
I do not struggle with loneliness, lack of female companionship, jealousy or patience. I struggle with this “fear of rejection” on occasion. I have some more confident days than others where I am a Juggernaut. But I still feel intimidation from a 9 or an 8 when my hair isn’t looking its best or I don’t like the shirt I’ve worn-out (for example).
I will (continue to) apply your words to my personal philosophies going forward.