Join The Kings Battalion Today To Fight Against Western Imperialism

For ROK readers who consider themselves masculine, strong, and brave, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is by joining the Kings Battalion, a new military force that will be based in Eastern Ukraine to engage in warfare against degenerate Western proxy forces. Today is day one for recruiting 300 English-speaking men to be soldiers on the side of Russia, tradition, and honor.

America is ruining the world

Pro-Russian separitists

In November 2013, the President of Ukraine was ousted from power in a coup that was successful thanks to American money. That coup installed an oligarch puppet subservient to American and German interests that aim not only to enrich their institutions with high-interest loans through the IMF and World Bank, but also to corrupt thin and feminine Ukrainian women with a Western lifestyle that converts them into fat feminist zombies instead of loyal wives and mothers.

I have access to secret intelligence reports on the ground in pro-American Western Ukraine that reveal an explosion in women getting tattoos, body piercings, and Skrillex haircuts. Almost overnight, thanks to a lack of traditional cultural restraints, women are racing to appeal to their most impulsive and base urgings. In addition, over thirty new Pizza Huts and McDonalds have since opened in Western controlled areas while Monsanto and Conagra engage in shameless dumping of their GMO foodstuffs, fattening the female population at a rate not seen in human history since the founding of Chipotle in America. It is predicted that Ukrainian women will be as fat as American women in only four years time.

I left the degenerate West in 2007 to pursue a more traditional lifestyle with women who are not addicted to Facebook and bad boys. My search has ultimately not yielded me with happiness because the Western culture I left is supplanting the traditional cultures faster than the speed of commercial flight. Soon there will be nowhere else for us to run, which is why we must put a stop to Western encroachment through the creation of the Kings Battalion. Either we risk our lives today to create a better world for ourselves, or get ready for weekly Slutwalks and gay pride events to be held in Kiev, Novosibirsk, and Ulan Bator.

The Kings Battalion


I am now accepting applications for the Kings Battalion. It will be a cohesive and elite unit of 300 Western men who are ready to destroy agents of the West in order to stop the frightening advance of Instagram port-a-potty whores and selfie sticks. While it is free to join, you must bring at least $2,500 US in small bills to purchase weapons, gear, and a supply of food to last a one-year tour of duty.

Your initial training will be composed of throwing pineapple grenades, firing automatic weapons, and washing yourself with buckets of ice cold water. Afterwards, you’ll be assigned to defensive positions so that you may learn fighting techniques from English-speaking military instructors in the Donetsk People’s Republic. If you are a soft blob of useless mass today, rest assured that you will be turned into a slab of rock in short time.

After your one-year service, you will be eligible to receive a small plot of land near Donetsk. You will also be assigned an attractive Ukrainian woman who needs a strong man to provide for her in exchange for bearing your heirs and taking care of the home. You may be called back into service to defend your family from further Western aggression in the form of a NGO funded by George Soros.

Sign up to fight today


For the longest time, I’ve sensed a hopelessness among Western men as cultural locusts destroy all that is masculine, good, and true. It’s time for us to put up or shut up. I have made my choice, and will be putting my life on the line by leading the Kings Battalion instead of continuing to complain on the internet through blog articles, Youtube videos, and 140-character fatalistic musings on Twitter. I hope you choose to do the same and join me on the front lines. If you’re interested, email [email protected] See you in the Donbass.

Read Next: Russian Folktales Can Teach You How To Be A Man

121 thoughts on “Join The Kings Battalion Today To Fight Against Western Imperialism”

  1. Damn. I was considering it for a few moments. What does that say about Western Culture?

  2. Id totally be down to join a PMC formed by ROK readers. Maybe we can annex Madagascar or Namibia or something and create our own breakaway rogue state.

    1. Well you know what to do, if you’re in need of help, and if you can find them…maybe you should hire…..

        1. Now that I would pay to see!
          It’s all about flicking the ash specks on the face of some fool you just whooped saying, “I Love it when a Plan comes Together!”

        2. Just gotta make sure your Murdock’s chopper flying skills haven’t deteriorated either 😀

      1. We need Mr. T’s brawns AND brains. A good mixture of BA and “The Wise Janitor” from Not Another Teen Movie.

    2. In memory of my dear departed mother, I volunteer to house bitch train all western feminists. Boot camp consists of scrubbing floors on your hands and knees and preparing home cooked meals.

      1. I dinna speak Russian, but is that “State Roosh, Republic of Truth” or something close, lad?
        Loves me these Indo-European languages!

        1. Shit, that’s right, svoboda is “freedom”, I knew that, need more effin’ coffee. Well, I did note that I speak zero Russian. heh

  3. Woot! heh
    Hardly anybody is doing April Fool’s day this year. Glad to see that somebody still has a bit of tradition in him!

    1. It almost got me for a second. Roosh did a great job. Edit: It’s april fools.

    2. Ha, had me for two paragraphs as well. I thought, Roosh has lost the f*cking plot, what the hell is he talking about here. The I remembered, oh yeah…April Fools. Sheet, got me though.

    3. I personally wanted ROK to adopt the layout and articles of sites like Jezebel but I guess this will suffice as a prank.

    4. He played it pretty straight. After all, ISIS is recruiting disgruntled foreigners, so the Donetskian rebels might want to do the same. I was beginning to think maybe the stress of running several websites had finally gotten to our Fearless Leader. Then I remembered the date. Well played, Roosh.

        1. Europe will be Turkish-speaking in 50 years. It’s too late to remove kebab 😉

        2. I saw this and for a moment I thought, “Oh, Ben Kingsley has a new film out.”

    5. He had me until “I have access to secret intelligence reports” and then I looked at the calendar. Haha

      1. Humor is just as powerful as a water cannon and can cut a riot in half even better than the police with their fire hose ‘atomic enemas’. The slapstick theater with the water method can’t be beat though as far as the spectator worthyness of the show.

  4. Draw your sword and lead the way Commander Roosh! We will follow! Hahaha
    (fast forward to 1:47)
    “In the year of the flying spaghetti monster, 2015, patriots of the manosphere, starving and outnumbered, charged the social justice warriors of western Ukraine. They fought like warrior poets, they fought like heterosexual men, and won their freedom.”

  5. Ignore the comments saying this is an april fools joke. This is real. Sign up today. Fight George Soros mano et mano like jason bourne did those dirty CIA assassins

    1. George Soros is a wrinkly rich old white bastard who thought Miss Brazil(?) was going to piss off when he told her to. Pu$$y.

  6. we live in a world where truth is stranger than fiction. If someone told me on April 1st that they were going to go into a government subsidised sex reassignment program i would likely just shrug it off at this point as a fact.The thought of travelling around the world and fighting to stop the spread of cultural degradation seems to be the only rational decision at this point. I can only imagine the same thought is swelling in the mind of most Jihadis.

  7. Does anyone know what really is going on in West Urkaine?
    I dont trust our media regarding the truth for a second!

    1. A summary.
      The CIA financed an astroturf revolt so that the West could do a resource grab in Ukraine, as it is rich in resources but poor in industry. The plan is/was to basically strip it of everything, turn them into pussy Western faggots, and walk away. Putin did the right thing for the right reasons and held firm, and now we sit today with both sides staring each other down waiting for the other to flinch.
      And now you know…the rest….of the story.

        1. Yes, but that is all in the East of the country. Why do you think Putin’s after it? The west of the country is nothing but forests, corn and burnt-out nuclear reactors.

  8. Off topic but does anyone know how to block these “revcontent” ads at the bottom? I keep getting the one with a cop putting handcuffs on some skanky looking “buttaface” chick with the headline “New Rule in [whatever City/State I happen to be in when looking at main article].”

  9. Best to join up before the situation deteriorates to DEFCOCK TWO & DEFCOCK ONE..hehehe. Happy 1st April!

    1. Jugs of Carlton “only” $18! Trust me, it’s April Fools every day in expensive-ass SJW cesspool Australia.

  10. Good. Let’s start a libertarian anarchist utopia. Start in Keene, New Hampshire, which already has a libertarian base, then branch out to bring liberation for all.

  11. Good one! The sad thing is the premise of fighting in the Kings battallion makes more sense and legit than joining the U.S military to fight “for our freedoms” and seeking to find weapons of mass destruction and all the other bullshit fabrications that we’ve lost thousands of Americans over.

    1. But America has them WMs bro, walking mattresses. You don’t even have to leave base if you’re ready and willing to tame dat Wookie Monster

  12. Roosh, you’re half Armenian. I’m full Armenian.”Our” so called homeland is filled Maifosos, drug dealers, greedy Oligarchs, and people who would sell their grandmother for a Maserati. How is that “Eastern” culture any better? I’m starting to think you are full of shit.

    1. All of those things are bad, but they’re straight forward and not dishonest. A far cry from the much worse, yet more insidious and underhanded behind the scenes evil the West is pushing these days.
      Besides, it was an April Fool’s article dude. Chill.

  13. Hey COOL!!!
    I’ve already got a spare crate of 7.62×39, a crate of 7.62×25 on order, just give me a few minutes to run down to the book store and pick a up Ukrainian phrase book…….oh wait, ha ha APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

    1. Damn, I only carry 7.62×51 and .45 ACP. Interchangeable ammo and parts apparently aren’t going to happen in our little militia of 300. Even if this is Sparta.

      1. Yeah, it might be kind of tough to find those out in EE if you run out. You’ll need something for your Tokarev.

        Come to think of it, we’ll need to bring some 7.62x54R as well…..for the Dragunovs!

        1. My son and daughter both own and shoot 91/30’s actually. That round knocks down targets with its sonic boom, heh.
          I figure I’ll use up my ample .308/45 acp, then switch over. Things go pop real purty like when I shoot them with my StG-58 and 1911.

        2. The 91/30 is a ton of fun, and super accurate! Tough as nails too. I’ve been shooting a Yugoslav M48…..the old yugo-made 8mm ammo from the 50s will really put you in your place. For some reason, I find Eastern Bloc weapons to be a lot more fun than Allied weapons.

        3. Yes, the Austrian version actually.

        4. My only issue with their 91/30’s is that the bolt has to be cycled with a 2 x 4 once they heat up sufficiently. But that may be some cosmoline we missed in cleaning. But yes, fantastic rifles, and can pull duel duty as a club, a tent pole or a load bearing structural main beam in a barn in a pinch.

        5. Interesting, I’ve never had any cycling issues with mine, and I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten every bit of cosmo out of it.
          The bolt is pretty easy to take apart, some Tetra will probably take care of that.

    1. Same here, I actually felt imbued with a sense of purpose. I was surprised how quickened I became when I read this post.

  14. That was a cruel joke.
    Roosh; giant, slutty culture war-tease. You flash your “opposition to decadent hegemony,” in our faces, but with no intent of letting us fire our rocket launchers, all for your own humor.

  15. (to the tune of the old gospel classic, Sign Me Up)
    Sign me up (sign me up) for the Kings Battalion,
    write my name (write my name) on the roll, (oooolll)
    I’ve been changed since the Red Pill’s enlightened me,
    I wanna be ready, ready when Amerika comes, oh yeah!

  16. I was getting fired up and ready to go, even in my old age I’m pretty strong. You know at least make a strong stand before I really am too old to do anything. Then ….. I remembered. My dreams of late in life glory turned out to be so fleeting.

  17. How does the King’s Battalion compare to the KISS Army? Most importantly, will there be rock n roll cruises?

  18. I’m sure all the ‘Vladimir Putin is Alpha’ worshipers here got a hard on when they saw this.

    1. I’m no fan of his politics, but at least he sticks up for his own people, culture and religion. Beats the mom pants wearing anti-American fairy we have in the WH.
      That’s a low bar of course, personally I’d prefer a Silent Cal or Jefferson type, but that ain’t happening any longer I’m afraid.

        1. You’re thinking of Herbert Hoover. Cal Coolidge was know for his reticence. His reserve. He had a bunch of cool ( pun intended) sayings like “the business of America is business” …. He actively shunned the limelight . If there is such a thing in a politician he was humble or more accurately he did not exhibit hubris or megalomania. There have been some great biographies about him in the last 5 yrs. Ronald Reagan had his portrait put in the oval office ( or White House anyways…)during his presidency..

        2. Yes, he is one of my favorites who have occupied the oval office. So few even recognize the name these days.

  19. Classy joke. Let’s join terrorists to kill some Ukrainians, yay! To those who seriously consider coming over, remember you might get a new one torn. Just sayin’.
    Why so angry at Ukraine, Roosh? ‘Cause you got humiliated in that one daytime show when you were in Ukraine, probably? If so, you are taking it too seriously, relax.
    Much love, from Ukraine.

  20. Sign me up! oh and do you have a lending policy for the $2500? I swear I can pay it back after the pillaging and loot er I mean appropriation and reallocation.

    1. I wouldn’t be surprised. A man with no family, and who has been denied one through a culture that either produces inferior women or which will punish him legally if he gets married, would not be afraid at risking his life for a cause he believes in.

  21. One woman? I want at least 30 and they have to be virgin. ISIS-fighters even get 72.

  22. i was so hoping this was REAL….then i remembered what day it is today 🙁
    seriously though, the kings battalion has been needed for some time now.

  23. Most importantly – Who’s our king? ans: We’re all kings. Of our castles and over our broods. Support comes first. To be effective we must evangelize. We must lay our support base with missionaries and go door to door in groups like Jehovah’s Witnesses coursing the neighborhood streets of Odessa and Kiev. Groups of men in robes adorned with obelisks and lightning bolts and unlike the Jehovah’s Witnesses with their short beta haircuts, the King’s Batallion will be comprised of ripped men with flowing locks like Conan the Barbarian. And sporting a young pregnant nymph under each arm while preaching the red pill, the missionary men will draw the fascination of onlookers by the thousands. KB’s in any downtown hotspot PREACHING of all things their red pill wisdom and game and showing off their obedient loyal womanservants. What a sight for occluded western eyes. Men will join in droves. Time is on our side astrologically. Bitch hypergamy will be at an all time low worldwide by 2028 and the window is opening now for us to reclaim our bitches, our lives, OUR STELLAR SPECIES.

  24. I’m ex-military and a veteran of the Iraq campaign (three combat deployments). Too bad that was only an April Fool’s joke or I might have jumped on that deal.

  25. Wow, I can’t believe anyone would buy this or Forney’s article on ANY day, let alone this one. Fuck, I should be selling a bridge on here.

    1. Somebody has a problem spotting satire I see. Look at the date on the article. April 1.
      Look up what April 1 is in the united States.

      1. I don’t have a problem spotting satire. That was my point. Someone else fell for it. When you write a comment, you don’t always miss the point, but when you do . . . Stay thirsty, my friend.

  26. I thought the bastard was serious. Good cause? I’m in, you pussies. Doesn’t matter. Ukraine’s a mess and flat outta options. If there’s a cause to fight for, why the fuck NOT? And yeah, the U.S. is fucked these days. I’ll never fight for Islam, but I’ll fight against tyranny. I was a flight deck guy. If they’d go kick Islam-ass, I’d go dance on flight decks since the women won’t. 5 carriers in Norfolk, one at sea. You reach a certain age gentlemen, you want something to fight for. I really wanna go fight for something worthwhile. If this post was April Fool’s Roosh, go FUCK yourself.
    Never ISIS, but others? Hell Yeah!

  27. I know its an april fools prank but why ? Does Roosh want to join the Supporters of FEMEN ? Is George Soros your guide to reclaim masculinity ? Is Putin supporting feminism ? If i have to i would rather join Givi or Motorolla,real men after all.

  28. or maybe its not a joke and he’s saying this on april fools day to make it seem like a joke to see what kind of responses he’ll get.

  29. That which is said in jest is meant in truth. The space between a joke and a declaration is only a matter of time. See you on the field.

  30. I knew it was too good to be true. Nobody ever actually DOES anything on the internet.

  31. The thing with Roosh is that his April’s Fools joke isn’t any more insane than his usual articles…

  32. My fundamental are righteousness, justice, and kindness. If this is a real thing (probably a real thing, God knows best.), we’ll meet at some points and march together to fight in the last war between good and evil. Yeah, we probably will meet.

  33. Wow you got me good, I didn’t realize it was satire until the Chipotle comment. I’ve just gotten back from a few weeks in Ukraine, and I can confirm that on average, their men are much more masculine than the sissies here (BTW there is a Ukrainian word pronounced the same as sissy that means boob, so find a different word if you find yourself there) and their women are much more feminine. A man can be a man, a protector and a provider, and the women appreciate it and respond with affection rather than contempt.

    1. Yeah? Well a Ukranian woman friend of mine said that Ukranian men are arrogant drunken apes with no respect for women. I guess since her last two significant others were English, she means what she says.

  34. I was a little concerned here until I saw what day it was posted.
    Western Imperialism has been the greatest force for good in the history of humanity. Not surprisingly, when feminism began to take hold (late 1950s) is when the British Empire began to devolve from its former Victorian Era glory.
    I consider Imperialism to be the highest form of masculinity: responsibility for managing a global empire of both economic and military might is not for betas or the faint-hearted.
    Note: Yeah, there is an irony that Imperialism is the highest form of masculinity and that the greatest Empire in history had a female monarch (Queen Victoria). However, expansion of the British Empire is more due to Wellington’s victory at Waterloo and men such as John Stuart Mill, Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone.

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