“You Didn’t Have To Make Things Awkward”

Not long ago, I was at a “networking event” with some people I know in various professional capacities. The post-business-drinks-and-music part was held at a fancy bar-lounge. There, I spotted a married guy I know talking to a hot Mediterranean-looking girl. Naturally, it wasn’t long before he gathered his things and left the bar. I didn’t hesitate for one-crumb-of-a-second, and subtly swooped in to take his place. I wasn’t overtly hitting on the girl, but her attractiveness was the only reason I was talking to her.

Early in the conversation, the dialog took a weird turn:

Tuthmosis: So, how do you know him [my married friend] anyway?

Girl: My boyfriend is Canadian.

Tuthmosis: OK, it was good knowing you. [smiling politely, waving, and starting to walk away]

Girl: What? What do you mean?

Tuthmosis: You used the magic word. You were giving me a cue.

Girl: Yeah, but… [stammering]. Well, you didn’t have to make things awkward.

Tuthmosis: I could tell you the same thing.

I said all of this with a smile on my face, but she knew I was being more serious than joking. The conversation pretty much ended there, but I quickly learned that this girl was going around the room and complaining to anyone who would listen about what I’d “done to [her].” Several people asked me about it throughout the night, much to my own mirth.

I explained.

This girl made things awkward first, for me, by forcefully and transparently inserting her boyfriend into the conversation. It was obvious that that she was trying to prevent me from hitting on her, even though I’d made no obvious overtures. I merely bounced her awkwardness back at her—apparently to her great discomfort.

So, let’s see if I have this straight: a man is somehow supposed to ‘play it cool’ when a girl eliminates the possibility of a romantic connection? Look around. There are at least a dozen cute, stylish, single chicks here. Yet, I’m supposed to continue to regale this girl with my stories, make her laugh with my jokes, and lavish her with validation, despite the confirmed fact that I have zero chance of getting with her? She can use the social weapon of selectively withdrawing from part of the conversation, but I can’t?

I was surrounded by girls the rest of the night. I became famous in that room.

71 thoughts on ““You Didn’t Have To Make Things Awkward””

  1. Well, you didn’t have to make things awkward. = Well, you didn’t have to stop giving me attention or buying me a drink.
    This interaction can be portrayed at an insane level by bachelorette parties in bars where they demand attention from guys when there is zero benefit to the man.

    1. Having a conversation with a woman is just pointless unless she’s going to have sex with you. Nothing she says could ever be intelligent or interesting.

      1. Well, not if you want sex. If sex is what you want, and she doesn’t want sex with you, aren’t you wasting her time AND yours?

      2. You’re a sexist piece of shit. This coming from a MALE FEMINIST who respects that women are PEOPLE, not objects for your desire. Fuck Tuthmosis, fuck you, and fuck this shit.

        1. Angry Bob, you are both a mangina and a traitor to your gender. Tuthmosis was cutting to the chase, which is admirable.
          Letters be brutally honest, no woman is looking at a guy going ‘I bet he has a great personality.’ Guess what? Neither do men. If not for the promise out sex, the genders would have no reason or basis for communication. This is FACT. Anything less and you are lying to yourself.
          Guys often go out with the intention of meeting girls. Wasting time on girls that are attached ids just that. That is not sexist.
          WTF is a male feminist anyway? Do you tuck your twig and berries and pretend your a girl?

  2. This.. is masterful masculine sociosexual jujitsu, the equivalent of a shoulder throw across the room. Epic, and thanks for the write-up, Tuthmosis.

  3. Our author violated the cardinal rule of modern society: ‘Don’t make a woman feel uncomfortable.’ It doesn’t matter how it happens – maybe you honestly answered a question she asked. Or you did something she herself did. But if you make a woman uncomfortable, particularly if she’s attractive, you’re guilty, no ifs or buts.
    Great retort by the way. At first I thought you were forward to the point of being rude, and then I reread the dialogue and saw that she dropped the boyfriend line unprompted, and you only followed in kind. A part of me respects a woman who shuts down an approach by announcing her unavailability, but she shouldn’t be surprised when you eject immediately after.

    1. ” A part of me respects a woman who shuts down an approach by announcing her unavailability, but she shouldn’t be surprised when you eject immediately after.”
      Right! And I’m totally down with that. It’s actually sorta a “no harm, no foul” kind of thing for me. I LIKE it when a woman lets me know right away she’s not interested. That way we don’t waste each other’s time. But if you’re gonna shut me down like that, yeah, I’m pretty much just gonna walk.

      1. I don’t get it. If a woman let’s you know she’s unavailable, what exactly are you supposed to do? Sit there and waste your time smiling like an idiot? Or think of a way to exit the convo without embarrassing her? What did she expect to happen?

        1. According to a feminist… yes… that’s exactly what should happen. According to any man who respects himself… it should happen just as it did

  4. I’ve been in situations like this where the girl walks away, embellishes the story a bit in her favor, and gets legions of white knights rushing to her defense. Around 2 weeks ago I got into a pretty big fight for that very reason. http://www.rooshv.com/12-things-wrong-with-america Number 11 of this post on Roosh’s main website has never been more true.

  5. Your point is well-taken.
    However, FWIW, I think my natural reflex response to her “awkward” comment would have been to say (while smiling and shrugging, amused at a silly child and a situation that is utterly inconsequential to me)
    “Oh there’s nothing awkward, I’m just not going to waste my time on a woman who announced that she’s unavailable to me.” (The smiling shrug while moving away says ‘Okay, whatever, I’m going to go talk to other women instead of you, and your response to this makes you look funny.’)
    Wouldn’t that be more cool (aloof, indifferent) than telling her that she made things awkward between you two?
    Isn’t that (‘Lady, you made things awkward’) revealing that she frustrated/angered or embarrassed you?
    Or am I missing some distinction?

  6. The only thing that’s awkward in this situation is her going around and talking to other people about it. It definitely does not warrant mentioning to anyone, and is so insignificant of an interaction that I’m surprised your wrote a whole post about it.

  7. “She can use the social weapon of selectively withdrawing from part of the conversation, but I can’t?”
    Yes. That’s exactly what women think.
    They have a desperate need to maintain Girl-Frame — their power of sexual selection of suitable males, or at least the power of a sexual veto of unsuitable ones.

  8. just the sexual market at work. Since women are the chased they can usually afford to demand more than the buyers ie. men. That doesn’t make it right, just trying to explain why many women feel like that.

  9. haha once i was at a bar and i was talking to this girl. i could tell she was single, but she dropped the “yeah my boyfriend” thing. she was interested, but i could tell she dropped the boyfriend card just because she had somehow learned that pretending to be unavailable is somehow good game on a females part.
    i said “you really shouldnt do that. if you like a guy you should never pretend you have a boyfriend. whoever told you that this was how to handle men doesnt know what they are talking about and are giving you bad advice”.
    she says “how would you know if i am pretending? you dont know me!” to which i responded “dont take me for an idiot”.
    got the number then a week later the bang.

  10. When this happens to me at the bar, i ask the bitches to walk away and stop wasting my time when i could be hitting on other chicks (point to another hot chick).
    You win by saving time an giving her a bit of a dig with that

  11. I really like this approach (and the gentle judo throw at the end). I generally don’t think it’s productive to call out a girl for being a bitch or whatever unless she is being outwardly rude.

  12. Tuthomosis is a God amongst men, I will use this and hold it dear to my heart, it is the ultimate line against the ultimate cock block. For decades man has wondered how to come over the I have a boyfriend line, conventional game said to plow through it, but calling her out and flipping the script for exactly what it is, you Tuth are a true boss.

  13. If she’s cute AND is unavailable…she may have CUTE friends she can introduce you to! 🙂 I tend to continue the convo with the intent of finding out who else she came with. 🙂 Utilize the lady as a walking endorsement. See how she tried spreading venom? Good thing she came alone and everyone thought she was crazy! 😛 However…if she was the host of the party, or had many sister friends…imagine the damage for the night! 😛 Hence, exit with courtesy.:) Onto the next.:)

    1. Ross – everything you say makes sense. But there’s just something about a woman shoving the boyfriend-cue in your face like that that makes me want to go to war (socially speaking).
      I’m not sure why.

    2. This sounds so Beta, you don’t need her to introduce you to other single friends; you do that yourself. This article is brilliant and so was the move.

      1. LOL same here. I would leave the conversation with less dynamite. Maybe make a joke and some excuse to GTFO… dynamite seemed to have better effect in this situation though.

  14. What should she have done? Let you hit on her for half an hour longer and then go to the bathroom and never come back? You should thank her for not wasting your time. I think inserting the boyfriend into the conversation (whether he really exists or not) is the most tactful way out of getting hit on. If you don’t, and you keep talking to the guy long enough for him to find out about the boyfriend in a less direct way you get accused of being “a tease”. Your response was a bit blunt, but just shows that she was right. She shouldn’t have been offended, but you shouldn’t have either.

    1. It was her reaction that was awkward. If she inserts ‘boyfriend’, then he is free to react to that insertion.
      Basically it’s like this:
      1. conversation starts
      2. girl inserts boyfriend to stop hit-on
      3. boy stops hit-on
      4. girl reacts negatively

      1. I believe it was more like this:
        1. conversation starts
        2. girl inserts boyfriend to stop hit-on
        3. boy reacts negatively (by rudely ending conversation)
        4. girl reacts negatively

        1. Tactful way to end conversation in the same amount of time, or less.
          Tuthmosis: So, how do you know him anyway?
          Girl: My boyfriend is Canadian.
          Tuthmosis: That’s facinating. Hey, sorry to cut this short but I gotta go. Ciao.

        2. I suppose that’s true if you consider it negative for him to stop hitting on her when she essentially abruptly told him to stop.
          The word “boyfriend” in this context means “stop hitting on me”. It seems you’re suggesting she should have used some other code-word other than boyfriend, a word that means “stop hitting on me but keep talking to me”.
          You know, I’ve had the “boyfriend” word thrown at me on occasions when I was hitting on someone, and also on occasions when I was not. Either way, it makes you feel unwelcome. If “rudeness” is the issue here, then what the lady would need to do is to either politely end the conversation without any gratuitous “boyfriend” remarks after a short but friendly conversation, or to politely refuse should the gentleman make any invitations or suggestions during a longer conversation. The initial conversation itself is meant to be no more than that, an opportunity to get to know each other. She is free to politely end it when she chooses, she is free to inform him of a boyfriend should the conversation come up, she is free to lead the conversation in that direction. She is free to do all these things without throwing out the word boyfriend in a random and awkward manner. If she chooses to do so, she has made him feel unwelcome.

        3. “Tuthmosis: So, how do you know him anyway?
          Girl: My boyfriend is Canadian.
          Tuthmosis: OK, it was good knowing you. [smiling politely, waving, and starting to walk away]”
          Did you even read the post?

        4. I don’t see anything wrong with making someone feel unwelcome if they are, in fact, unwelcome. But that can be done politely, and it seemed this girl was reasonably polite about it (but it’s hard to say without being there).
          The guy, however, didn’t politely end the conversation. He said “it was good knowing you.” That clearly implies that she did something wrong, and he wants nothing more to do with her. Maybe he thought it would seem cute/clever, and she would fight for him to stay in the case that she was interested?

        5. I obviously read the post, that’s how I managed to copy and paste the same section that you did. Saying “Ok it was good knowing you” and (fake) threatening to walk away is not the same as acknowledging her last comment, politely excusing oneself, and quickly exiting. What he did was for dramatic effect. If he really just wanted to move on to the next girl, he could have done it the way I suggested, and the girl wouldn’t have cared. But that wouldn’t have stroked his ego or made for an interesting blog post, I guess.

        6. I can’t tell if you’re being deliberately obtuse to defend your poorly staked out position or not. Benefit of the doubt. He wasn’t faking anything, she ended the conversation as far as he was concerned, so he started to leave. What you proposed wasn’t any less curt than what he did, and likely would have provided the same result. Given the end of your post, it seems your objection is to the author, not the article.

        7. Not true, I don’t object to anything. I like interesting blog posts! I was just saying that I don’t think the way the girl acted was surprising, given the way the author acted.

        8. ‘I don’t see anything wrong with making someone feel unwelcome if they are, in fact, unwelcome.’
          Exactly what the guy did. Yet you;re still upset. Because speaking out of both sides of your mouth.

        9. The author disengaged. He took no for an answer and made his exit. Isn’t that what everyone complains about? Guys not taking no for an answer? The girl acted as though he had embarrassed her.

        10. Why is it rude to stop hitting on a girl when she tells you she has a boyfriend? That’s not rude at all, its respectful.

        11. Ok, you guys are right. Now that I am re-reading this two years later, I don’t remember why I was arguing about this. I’d say neither person acted incorrectly in this situation, except for maybe the girl complaining to people about it afterward. I guess I was just imagining the author using a rude tone of voice.. because otherwise the girl’s reaction wouldn’t have made sense.

  15. And yet, if you were her boyfriend, wouldn’t you appreciate that she was careful to avoid even a hint of flirting with another guy?

  16. She should have left it at the “good getting to know you” part. Being female myself despite my deceptive username, it took a while for me to fully understand that no guy wants to be just friends and hang out (crazy, I know). Now that I understand, a move like his wouldn’t surprise me, and I would just say “you too,” smile, and walk away. He made his original intentions perfectly clear, and that’s fine. Not long after I started dating the man who would become my husband, I met a cute French guy at a club. We hit it off, and I’d never had a French friend before, so I wanted to get to know him and his social circle. But, not wanting him to get the wrong idea or wonder why I wasn’t dancing “with” him, I picked a random song, smiled, and said, “My boyfriend loves this song!” He laughed and told me that was the nicest way any girl had let him know she had a boyfriend–and then politely said it was nice to meet me, and disappeared into the mist. Ha! That was the moment I finally understood!

    1. I used to use this line when I was 20-ish… in the first 30 seconds of the conversation if I knew I wasn’t interested.
      Me: So, where are you from?
      Him: (insert random place).
      Me: No way, my boyfriend is from (insert same random place)!
      *poof* guy disappeared.
      No one’s time wasted. Everyone happy.

      1. Yes but like most women you’re a coward who instead of just saying you;re not interested you tried to get someone else to do it for you.
        That’s why some guys even persist when you tell them you have a boyfriend. Good for the goose is good for the gander.

        1. Yeah, that’s why, now that I’m older and more mature, I have learned better and I don’t even bother with the boyfriend story! Now it’s more like.. I’m going to make a phone call/go to the bathroom/get another drink… and disappear forever.

  17. What so many girls don’t understand is that RARELY are they that “interesting” beyond being pretty that a guy REALLY wants to waste time talking to her if he isn’t getting anywhere. Otherwise, why not just talk to ANY girl/person for “conversation”?

  18. As a woman, I wish more men would do this. The persistence that my boyfriend “isn’t real” or continued advances are far more annoying than someone who takes the hint and leaves me alone.

  19. or, you made someone uncomfortable (rather than the polite, high-road “nice to have met you” you chose the more pointed “nice knowing you”), b/c they made you uncomfortable (this is a pretty harmless way to save a guy his time. I really can’t think of a less awkward, more global way to say “if you’re hitting on me, it will be fruitless. You’re fat/sweating profusely/balding/trait I find unattractive, or I actually have a boyfriend) & she couldn’t let it go, like a gd adult with other things to talk about, and you took the shorter “just like a woman. right, ladies who want to prove they’re not just like that woman?” road. Either way, you both should’ve let it go- it would have been much less embarrassing for everyone that had to pretend to listen to you both bitch all night.

  20. “Her attractiveness was the only reason I was talking to her.”
    How could you deduce that she did not have a boy friend?
    By the quote above you clearly were not interested in anything that woman had to say. So any social cue that she had projected before hand must have been missed by you. Thus your reading the situation wrong set the foundation for the awkward monument that you created by suddenly acting poorly when she did tell you.
    The only reason why those “cute, stylish, single chicks” were surrounding you was because you twisted the truth unknowingly and played the victim flawlessly in your ignorance.

    1. your comment presumes that 1) she gave him a covert social cue before the overt admission, and 2) he was supposed to know her personal nuances well enough to detect any possible covert social cue that may or may not have been given.

  21. Could it be that she was shit-testing you ?
    Only you can say
    …but the way i read it is that she came at you like an angry thug with
    that “boyfriend” remark but being a shit-test she felt offended when
    you acted like it was in NO WAY worth your time and argued quit
    brilliantly for your point…
    She came at you like a dumb bitch and acted a dumb bitch when you blew her off…
    just my 2 cents!
    Cheers.Love the site!

  22. You did exactly the right thing and so did she. It makes me mad when my wife lets guys hit on her (she’s attractive). I don’t like her to perpetuate it. I prefer she shut it down very quickly, just like this girl did. What you did was great, you got the hint and left. She shouldn’t have gotten upset she should have appreciated your honesty.

  23. They are all attention whores. That’s why she got upset and that’s why your wife lets guys hit on her.

  24. Aw hun you’re so fucked up you gonna make me cry 🙁
    Sending positive vibes !!!
    You’re okay and very smart 🙂

  25. At least you were lucky enough to have mentaly mature ladies in the room and make you famous that night…
    I had my share of usuall experiences when I was in my 20s… only to see girls acting like female white knights to girl I supposedly “offended”…
    On a couple of occasions their boyfriends joined in asking explanations for my behaviour…
    I had to resolve to my psycology knowlege to explain I done nothing wrong… that all this was farce on regected ladies part … typical female passive/aggresiveness.

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