Online dating was once considered the garbage bin of the dating world, but is now widely recognized as a valid (if depressing) way for men to rack up quick bangs in a pinch. While most men still dismiss online dating as being somewhat pathetic, the truth is, most men who knock it, will have tried it at least once or twice in secret.
In the last installment of my series on online dating, I introduced you to the six types of guys who try to get laid online.
Now that you know the competition, it would make sense to familiarize yourself with the targets. So, without further ado, here are the six most common types of girls you’ll encounter online, along with some preliminary insights on how to game them. Beware though: this list is hardly comprehensive, and if you venture into the stormy seas of online dating, be prepared to bring a dash of common sense and maybe a bag of lettuce to scare off the landbeasts.
1. The Octomom
As the name implies, the octomom is a woman with multiple children. What makes her unique though is not simply that she has kids, but that she aspires to find a man to actually commit his own time and resources to help raise them. Without fail, you will find the Octomom declaring that she “is not interested in hookups,” that she is at a loss to comprehend the lack of “good men out there,” and that she aspires find a suitable marriage partner similar to the kinds of men she dated before she shat out half a dozen kids.
How to game: don’t.
2. The Land Beast
Perhaps the most common type of girl online, the land beast can be identified by her rounded figure and high body fat percentage. Arguably, this type needs no explanation; however, it should be noted that not all land beasts are created equal. If the land beast sports a pretty face or nice breasts, she may actually be popular with a subset of male online daters who are more numerous than you might imagine: the chubby chasers. Otherwise, you can bet the land beast will be the easiest, and least satisfying, of pickings you’ll find online.
How to game: include a picture of a big mac on your profile and mention that you like dinner dates.
3. The MAGIC Land Beast
Like her cousin, the land beast, the Magic Land Beast is fat. The difference is, the magic land beast doesn’t show it in her pictures. Hence the use of the word “magic.” Like a magician making a rabbit disappear into thin air, the magic land beast does the same process in reverse: going from thin to fat in the length of times it takes you get from her profile to her favorite restaurant. If you’re new to online dating, don’t make the mistake of thinking her magic powers make her rare; some even say the magic land beast is more common than the regular land beast.
How to game: Look for girls with lots of angle shots and duckface pictures in their profiles, these are the key to the magic land beast’s photographic illusions.
4. The Progressive
Found most frequently on OKCupid, the Progressive is a girl who wants to show you she’s different… by doing everything the exact same way every other vaguely progressive college educated white woman does. The Progressive pushes the boundaries with such shockingly edgy and unconventional behaviors as labeling herself a feminist, claiming to be bisexual, getting tattoos, sporting a Skrillex-inspired half-shaven hairstyle, and generally doing everything the postmodern urban life Bible tells her to do. A veritable bastion of status-quo ideas, actions, and postures, you can usually identify her by the complete lack of originality in anything she does, combined with the insinuation that she really does think for herself. The most salient physical feature of the progressive is her white skin and upper middle class income level—no black, Hispanic or working class women of this description have ever been spotted.
How to game: Woo this special snowflake by sending her a message sympathizing with one of the safe, popular, politically correct positions she pays lip service to in her profile, like gay marriage.
5. The Model Who Can’t Get Hired
One of the most common denizens of the modern dating site, the model who can’t get hired can be identified by the abundance of pictures on her profile where she blows kisses, shows cleavage, or otherwise attention whores in the most obvious way possible. Her second most noteworthy characteristic is that she doesn’t actually meet any of the men who message her; instead, she watches the messages in her inbox build up, viewing the entire enterprise as a video game you win when you receive the “inbox full” message at the top of your inbox. In other words, a narcissist who is attractive enough to get some validation, but not attractive enough to make money off it.
How to game: Make her jealous by posting fake male model pictures, be sure to look your absolute worst if she actually shows up on a date.
6. The Escort
She’s attractive. She responds to your messages. She is not a bitch. She’s feminine…
… And the minute you get her on chat, you discover she’s trying to hustle you into her camwhore chatroom for just $50 an hour.
How to game: Have your credit card ready.
So, there you have it: the six most commonly encountered denizens of the modern online dating game. As you may have already discovered, the pickings are often slim in this sea, but as they say in Scotland, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Just remember, if you head online expecting to find a beautiful, feminine, responsive and interesting woman with no children, this woman has an archetype as well: the tooth fairy.
Read Next: The 5 Commandments Of Online Dating
The picture for “5” belongs in “3” or “2.” Number “5” is no model.
Devastatingly accurate.
Just remember, if you head online expecting to find a beautiful, feminine, responsive and interesting woman with no children, this woman has an archetype as well: the tooth fairy.
Now, now, now. I once met such a woman online. Granted, she was a lying, cheating whore — i.e., married — but she was cute, responsive, interesting, and had no children. And I’m not sure that the lying, cheating whore bit is necessarily opposed to the (feral) feminine nature.
This is SO true. The only decent girls I ever found online were foreign (ie didn’t know anyone locally). the rest were one of the above.
You missed two things out with The Progressive: Irony and cupcakes.
Irony = a version of humour where instead of people laughing, they just feel an unjustified sense of intelligence.
Cupcakes = handheld obesity.
I don’t know what the obsession is, but the rest of the sheep are interested in irony and cupcakes, so they are too.
I’ve met a lot of good college girls online. In the Bay Area, OKCupid is like facebook, everyone has one. It’s kind of ridiculous what you can get through it.
TY. Advice in Bay Area. I’m lucky though. My bro is in the Gay Area and in a wheelchair permanently.
The magic land beast & model who can’t get hired are the biggest problems for me.
I had 6 dates set up over the past 2 weeks. The two most attractive girls flake (models who can’t get hired), out of the 4 who turn up 3 are magic land beasts and one girl is actually slim and moderately attractive.
That equates to a lot of my time wasted.
I can only imagine what they think when they meet you
The magic land beast is a tricky one…
Look at the upper arms (bi-cep/tri-cep area) the bigger they are the bigger she will be in person.
This has a 98% success rate in determining her size in real life.
Not always true. Know girl that is a size 4-6 on top with thin arms but has massive hips and thighs. Probably a size XL below. She always shows photographs from the waist up but never from the waist down. Hence the men are probably shocked when the see all of her. A whole body pic is the best.
…and a thin or “average” girl (average in terms of how a guy would think of average, not how the term is abused in chicks profiles) will usually post a full body shot or other picture composed such that there’s no doubt she’s thin (or not fat). If her profile has nothing but pictures taken with the “fat girl angles” then that’s your clue…
Of course there always the possibility those skinny full body shots were taken 50 pounds ago, but life is full of risks.
I do believe the dude has nailed it on all counts.
There is one vital piece missing from the article: context! The online dating population is diversified by the context where you live.
One of my favorite hunting grounds in the past was Prague in the Czech Republic. Interestingly enough, not because of the locals (quite tricky to handle) but because of its large Slavic emigrant population. Knowing their preferred dating websites and their language, gives you a totally different context then the one described in the article.
There I was handling with a ton of ladies from their early 20’s to the middle thirties, that were trying to make a living outside of their country and, quite often, of their family. Many of them top notch quality and hardly any of them matching the descriptions of the article. They were emotionally fragile and in need of human warmth so I preyed on them extensively and with astonishing rates of success. Thru online dating in Prague I managed to complete some of my most difficult challenges (example: fastest time between meeting a girl and get her in my bed; fastest consecutive one night stands, fastest consecutive one night stands with different nationalities, etc, etc)
In resume: online dating can be very effective depending on how you use the tool and the context where you live.
TBH this looks like a “what to avoid in online dating” list
there are cute, smart, sweet, feminine single girls… who are religious.
If you do manage to find a nice girl online I recommend this site for tips on how to win her over.
what about the men you encounter online and, trolls…
Vague, general article. I actually have a good amount of experience since I got into online dating right after my divorce. Here are the types you encounter:
1. “separated” women – stay the F away from these people. They may be hot but they have no idea what they want and in a lot of cases the marriage is far from over. A good prospect for a bang without commitment since they already have a husband. Don’t catch feelings though.
2. Women with kids – actually quite a few and there are some who aren’t looking to get married. A lot of women with kids are good looking, part of how they wound up with kids lol. Maybe you can pull off a casual relationship with them, but you may wind up falling for her or her kids if you spend enough time. Don’t get started in the first place.
3. Dump trucks – these ones will probably be the first to wink/message you. It’s depressing.
4. Girls who look like 6-7+/10. They may have profiles here, but they won’t talk to you. In real life you could stand a chance, but this is online dating, and you’re F’ed. As you aim high and strike out with no replies to your messages you will keep shooting lower and lower until you hit…
5. Girls who are 5 and below. Due to the mindF game that is online dating if you spend enough time at it you will wind up eventually compromising to the point where you are messaging girls you normally wouldn’t talk to in real life just for the ego boost so you know that at least someone would find your messages appealing enough to respond. Even these chicks will play it cool with you though
you guys are rude why call them “land beast” or “magic land beasts” didn’t your mom teach if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all