How To Keep Things Casual When She Wants To Be Exclusive

You’ve hit it off with a girl. Things are going well—you see her once or twice a week (maybe more) and have some fun hook-ups.

But you’re still going out and meeting other women, and at this point, you’re not ready to give up your freedom for something exclusive. You’d much rather keep things casual, and continue having a fun time with no strings attached. And it seems like all is going according to plan.

That is, until she brings up the topic of “us”. It’s the dreaded conversation that is usually bound to happen at some point.

Granted, it doesn’t always happen—sometimes you can hook up with a girl for months and months and still avoid it. But other times, a girl will want to know the answer before you even hook up with her. She wants to know: Are the two of you dating? Exclusive? Are you looking for a girlfriend? Where is this going? How do you define “us?”

Upset pair of lovers.

This conversation can go one of three ways:

  • Exclusive relationship. You don’t want to lose the sex, so you cave in and start dating her.
  • Friends with benefits. You handle the conversation the right way, and she basically agrees to continue on and keep things casual.
  • End of the “fling.” You handle the conversation the wrong way, she gets offended or angry, and decides to stop seeing you altogether, or to just be friends.

Assuming you want to keep things casual, you’re aiming for the second outcome (friends with benefits).

So, you need to know the right way to handle the conversation to achieve this outcome.

That way, when the conversation does inevitably come up, you’re well prepared and handle it with composure and poise…instead of fumbling around like the average guy.

I used to have A LOT of trouble with this conversation. I didn’t know how to explain that I wanted to keep things casual, without upsetting the girl. I’d end up either caving in and dating her (which was always a mistake because I didn’t really want it), or just ending things with the girl altogether (which usually sucked because I liked hooking up).

But that all changed a few years ago. When I started going out every weekend, I made it a point to hang with guys who were more experienced and understood women better than me at the time.

And I started learning a TON.

But one of the best, most actionable things I picked up was a simple routine for converting girls into “friends with benefits” relationships (AKA fuck buddies).

As soon as I learned about it, I knew it was gold. And it hasn’t let me down. In fact, it’s worked for me almost every time I’ve used it—and my friends have had the same results.

Sometimes, I even bring up the “us” conversation before she does, so I can use this technique to lay out the expectations from the outset.

It’s called the “Grey Area Routine”. Read it, learn it, use it. It’ll make those conversations SO much easier.

Not only is this routine great for forming fuck buddy relationships—it can also be the difference between whether you sleep with a girl the first night (if you use it correctly).

Here’s how it works:

“The Grey Area Routine”


You: “You seem like a very ‘all or nothing’ kind of girl.”

Her: “Yeah I guess you could say that.”

You: “I used to be like that. I dated a girl for a long time, but since we broke up, I’ve just been living in the “grey-area.”

Her: “What’s that?”

(This next part is KEY.)

You: *Raise your hand at about neck level* “If you think about relationships, and you say up here is a long-term relationship, with full commitment.”

*Put other hand a foot below the top hand* “…and down here is just a one-night stand, where there is no emotional involvement at all. Well, this area between the two…”

*Point to the area between your hands* “…is a grey area full of all sorts of interactions and relationships that two people can have. This can be just as fun or fulfilling as the other two extremes—both people just have to be honest about their expectations.”

Her: (They almost always say something like this) “Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way.”

You: “Yeah, and you can move back and forth in this area as the relationship evolves.”

Her: “I like it.”

You: “Me too. I think it’s perfect for people our age, and in our position.”

That’s the basic outline of the routine.

It works so well because:

  • It sets expectations. It lets her know that you care about her, even if you’re not fully committed to her and it also clarifies your expectations of the relationship.
  • It’s clever. There’s no chance she’s ever gotten a response like this before, so it makes you stand out and look more intelligent and mature.
  • It makes her comfortable. She doesn’t feel like a “slut” for continuing to hook up with you without the commitment of a label.

Get this routine down, and the next time the “us” conversation comes up, you’ll be able to handle it like a champ. The result will be an awesome casual relationship with a cool girl.

Read More: “You Didn’t Have To Make Things Awkward”

64 thoughts on “How To Keep Things Casual When She Wants To Be Exclusive”

  1. This should be tied to an article about “Avoiding the threat narrative”. This is the most dangerous zone – for non compliance today to a womans relational desires and the rejection of the woman is being transformed into “Oppression” and “Violence” where the false accusations come freely in retaliation. If you didnt “love” her, you must have been taking advantage of her.
    Additionally, as a man, if other women think you are “entering a relationship” you will be at your most attractive to them. In my long adult life of playing – its when women completely come out of the woodwork, you can bang tons of women if they think you are “about to commit”.

    1. this is the ultimatum I get in these situations: GIRL” “You will fall in love with my pussy”. ME: “I like our relationship as is, twice per week, and doing some fun stuff together.” GIRL: “Good luck with that” (pussy is cutoff).

      1. Pre-commitment threats from women? If you are playing your cards right, they spend virtually all day droning on and on about you. All her friends are sick of hearing about you – actually, you will notice her friends squaring you up in conversations, moving in closer – they want what SHE has. Play the hand out, then fold and move on.

        1. That’s what I am saying, the card game last a few weeks, then if they don’t get what they want they cut you off, which is fine. I have never had the FWB relationship last more than a few weeks. I’ve rarely see it work longer for other guys as well.

      2. GIRL” “You will fall in love with my pussy”.
        I usually laugh at that when I hear it from a girl. I usually reply with a snarky remark about how she will fall in love with my cock long before I fall in love with her pussy or something along the lines of if all she can offer is her pussy then she obviously has a horrible sex life and probably miserable life in general. Always put the onus back on them make them work and think about what you just said. And really if you value her pussy more than anything else its you who is getting played in the end.

        1. Have women actually used that line on you? You will fall in love with my pussy? That’s joke material. That opens up the dialog for non-serious responses by the man. She just made it all about sex. You’re off the hook at that point. But you don’t have sound argumentative about it. I don’t think you can argue your way into FWB. She’s not going to keep fucking you because of the force of your logic. She wants to feel good about herself while agreeing to your position.

        2. yes..that got told to me by a big boobed Dallas blond..those exact fucking words.

        3. Not in those words exactly but ya that’s what they imply. When women do say something about how they can control you with their pussy it is a joke, exactly, and at that point, yes I am off the hook agreed but I just make her know that (and not in a confrontational or aggressive but more a playful but truthful way)… Hey listen girl I am in control here and trust me honey its gonna be you begging me to hook up not the other way around. I find that if a girl wants you as a FWB you are there to just totally bang her brains out and thats it. So make sure you do that the first time and play it cool for how ever long it lasts because we all know FWB has a finite time.

        4. Best thing to do if woman uses that line on you is say;”Oh yea?” And let them keep cutting their own proverbial throats. Then show them with actions, not words, you don’t give a fuck what power they think they have. Abundance arises, she takes a seat in the sidecar.

        5. I would just say: yeah we will see about the love once it doesn’t smell like fish down there. Just smile and continue your business. Be passive aggressive

      3. GIRL” “You will fall in love with my pussy”.
        I already have a cat. Besides, I didn’t see one running around here. What’s it doing, hiding in the bathroom?
        Jesus you’re fucking weird woman, wanting me to get into bestiality like that. Contain yourself.

  2. “There’s no chance she’s ever gotten a response like this before, so it makes you stand out and look more intelligent and mature.”
    If she’s the kind who sleeps around – and most of them are – I don’t think I agree that she’s never heard something like this before. And it really doesn’t matter if she’s heard it 100 times before, which she probably has, and is why she’s still single and fucking random dudes.
    This grey area technique really boils down to a combination of the first and third points. Honest level set of expectations combined with softening it so she doesn’t feel like a slut for acting like one.

    1. But if is the kind that sleeps around you probably won’t have this conversation.

      1. Don’t know that I agree. She might be sizing you up to see if you’re willing to play captain-save-a-ho.

        1. Agreed, sometimes sluts will get in a relationship with whiteknights/ captain save a hoe types just to save their last remnants of their reputation whilst they cheat constantly on said ‘boyfriends’

        2. We’re talking about fuck buddies here. The whole point is not getting into a relationship with them.

      2. Maybe, maybe not. Women always like a validating reason to fuck you; something they can tell themselves to make them seem less slutty. Even the biggest slut in the world doesn’t like being called the biggest slut in the world.
        Here’s a trick I used just this last Friday: There was this chick who was after a long-term relationship and never slept around (so she said), five minutes later she went home with me after I said…
        ‘Look, the fact is in 20 years time you’re going to be old. (pause) And you’re going to look back and say, “Fuck! I was young 20 years ago.”‘
        Bam! In sales it’s called “the fear of loss.”

        1. In my experience sluts generally don’t care about being perceived as sluts. Usually all their friends are sluts too. They are pretty habitual with this stuff. So even if she decides that she is going to “reform” you are not going to have a tough time convincing her to go home with you.
          In my view, the topic of this article is something else. The topic is convincing a girl to be your long-term fuck buddy rather than your girlfriend or a ONS. So your “fear of loss” is a great move here because you simply threaten to dump her completely. Unless the girl thinks you are easily replaceable she’ll put up with this arrangement for a very long time.

        2. Your frame must be strong to pull this one. If you overdo, she may remember her future date with the Wall and feel uncomfortable, thereby annulling the bang.

        3. The key is tone of voice. Speak slowly with a deeper voice for the first part, “You’re going to be old in 20 years time…” Then raise up the tempo, volume, urgency when you say the “Fuck!” part.

  3. If you met her online, what if she asks if you are going to take down your profile? How do you handle that? If she’s not fat you know she’s getting + 10 messages a day.

    1. The question is good, but sorry bro, it shows a bit of weakness. Flat out tell them – “If you want to go to sexual war, you may get more numbers, but the women will come at me with love”. Stops them right in their tracks.

        1. Disagree – i used it recently – its a double down, but it worked. Also, indifference is your best weapon – stay away from Oneitis. There are millions of them out there.

    2. If you don’t want to be confrontational, you could say, “I keep it because I look at profiles of girls my buddies are interested in so I can give them advice about whether they should pursue girls they ask me about.”

  4. Niice. Like playing the Chinese girl for endless free samples of General Po’s chicken on a toothpick at the food court. You can fill up after 15 passes by the counter. I do a different song and facial expression with each pass, sometimes waving my fingers at her like an orchestra conductor and nodding at her with IOI as I’m chewing the previous sample bite. . . or like playing the vacuum salesman to keep doing his free sample demonstration until the entire house is cleaned. Makes sense.

  5. I learned this back in the early 90’s. I’ve always started a relationship by letting them know I want to keep things casual. Just have fun. Women inherently want what they don’t have. Don’t believe me, just look at the 116 Billion women’s fashion industry. The vast majority of which is overpriced, silly, frivolous junk that will be out of fashion long before it has worn out, ending up in a closet only to be worn a few times.
    There have been many instances where she got mad about it but came back around shortly there after. It puts them in a position of having to work hard for your undivided attention. Just tell them that you are not interested in being serious right now.
    If you give away your undivided attention, it is you that will be doing the hard work. There is nothing more appealing to a woman than a man who is not dependent on seeing her again. She will strive to win you.
    Be wary of the ones that are “totally cool” with it……slut alert. Read their body language carefully when you discuss this. That will show how they really feel about it.

    1. I sunk my sword before. Still it was hoops to go through to keep her maintaining service and performance. I had to game every home cooked meal still. Bitch was BPD and needed a ‘out of service’ sticker like you see at a laundromat where the machine sometimes spits OUT quarters at you.

    2. When I was single, if a man told me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship I would stop seeing him. Only whores sleep with men casually because they do not see how serious having sex is.

    1. Assume she humped someone else within the last month, and she already is committed to something with her friends this weekend which means she has a hook-up scheduled in advance that she doesn’t want to cancel. With her FB page with hundreds of “friends” for back up in case she gets bored. But she’s making it a shit test for you now about “commitment”.

  6. Wish i’d had this type of advice 5-6 years ago when I realized she was more into the ‘relationship’ than i was. And she knew it. Man..was i made to feel guilty about it. Never again..

  7. Yes, or you could take the route of one of my clients:
    “Bitch, I get to sleep around, and you don’t.” *smack*
    (actual trial testimony—except the smack, which was what he did to her after saying it).

  8. *Point to the area between your hands* “
    A neat trick, if you can pull it off. You can use your toe to point, but you get a heap load of extra credit if you can conjole your dick to do the pointing for you. At no time however should you cheat and use your third hand.

    1. Basically what i was thinking. There’s really no reason to play tricks when you can just do.

      1. Hahaha! I’m trying to picture this. Especially if you’re going to explain “mov[ing] back and forth in this area” No. That will not help your cause.

    2. You Sir, need your own website. “….extra credit if you can cajole your dick to do the pointing for you.” Indeed. That would require removing your pants with your hands already in the “position”–that’s a skill. Or do you drop your pants as soon as the question is posed? What if you’re in a restaurant? I don’t see this ending well.

  9. “We have an awesome relationship now where we see other people. Here’s the deal. If we are still here in one year, feeling this awesome connection, we’ll get engaged.”
    Said it, meant it, did it. Very happy. So is she.

  10. If her fear of losing you is greater than your fear of losing her, then you pretty much never have to have this conversation.
    Abundance mentality is your friend.

  11. This is just a girl’s request nowadays to mean:”Hey, I want you to be loyal to me but once you commit, I’ll just keep on doing what I have been, which is entertaining guys who I fuck and who will fuck me.”
    It’s all about actions and behavior, nothing a woman says means shit anymore.

  12. This fucking site.
    I try quitting this site cold turkey. I try taking a break, but I can’t keep my eyes off this fucking site. Ughhhh!
    Damn you, ROK!
    *proceeds to grab rubber glove to wrap around arm, uses a lighter to melt ROK on a spoon, then takes needle with ROK juice (melted red pill) and injects into veins*
    I am on this site at least 3 times a day, looking for a hit (aka: an article read).
    Do I need rehab?

    1. You’re in rehab by being here. That’s what this site is. Rehab and inner awakening from the junk that everyone else gets sucked into.

  13. Say you’ll date her so she’ll shut the fuck up and continue to have girls on the side. The bitch is just going to eventually end it anyway so why commit? Just fool her into thinking she’s hooked you.
    Problem solved.

    1. Monogamy is unnatural and thus stupid, especially when you’re young. You will probably regret it when you are 50+

  14. Step 4: Hope that she doesn’t Google “grey area” in efforts to figure you out.

  15. I still prefer to just say “no” or “maybe”. But, I did try this out and it works. Something about ROK articles, it seems like they come out right when you need them.

  16. Disclaimer-I haven’t directly tried this routine yet. I’ll get a chance soon enough the way things are going.
    Anyways: whenever I’ve tried to manage expectations recently, women go fucking nuclear.As in total emotional meltdown combined with ‘ithoughtyoulovedmeomigod I WANTED KIdS wITH U ASShole…..’
    Or something to that effect.Its like a hypergamous 50 Cent rap remix from hell- the girls want to lock me down or die trying.
    Other guys I know who game don’t get nearly that level of shit.Meanwhile, I’ve had to change my phone number every time I’ve nexted any female -one actually tracked me down across a full time zone by looking me up on the state university email directory. I’ve had to run the “Its a relationship …but yeah, we gotta see other people now snowflake ” strategy because the moment I imply a casual relationship from the jump I find out no, really, she wanted kids and was just kidding about being cool with FWB and would we pleaasse be exclusive?
    I envy the guys who can just bang and bail without this BS.

  17. Solid advice. I’d always have these discussions with people I met online. If they asked if I was looking for a relationship or a FB/FWB, I’d just tell them “best of both worlds” hot and passionate sex without the drama, stress, or hardcore commitment of a serious relationship, but yet I still wanted to do things outside the bedroom like go to concerts, out to eat, etc. Most all of the time they’d respond very positively unless they were dead set on something really serious, or if they were slutting it up and just wanted a one nighter, neither of which is what I generally want.

  18. Took about 2 seconds to realise this advice is….
    FUCKING GOLD! Will try it this Wednesday. Cheers Mr. Perrota.
    My trouble is I fuck good (it’s true, what can I say) and as soon as I’ve fucked them “good” they go all gooey for me and I dump them on the spot. This will sort all that shit out. Fuck yeah!

      1. Will do. Been house-bound with a flu this week but am going out on the hunt tonight. 100% will try this and report back after.

        1. Alright, progress report: Wednesday, struck out – but wasn’t on form. Friday – tried it but she cut through the bullshit straight away and said, “So you mean Fuck Buddy?” I tried the whole, “I prefer not to give it a label, just think of it as two people who enjoy their company. She said, “Like dating, then.” I repeated the “No labels thing,” and she said, “But you just labelled it the grey area.” Long story short, try this on drunk or dumb chicks, the smart ones see through it.

        2. Right, smart chick get it. What it is that she want? Some will never explicitly say it to keep the relation open in case someone better present himself. The best option is to not give a shit unless you want a ltr. I’m sure this work with one night stand though.

  19. Nah, doesn’t really work that well.. I had this conversation with my current chica (even better and more blunt). We were both all.. yeah, let’s just have fun and hookup.
    It only took a week for it to escalate to
    Her: I love what we’re doing here, but I have to be honest.. without tying you down or anything, cuz I know you’re not ready or interested in that.. I’m just a monogamous girl and we can keep things unattached, but I’m not cool with you sleeping around, cuz I’m not.
    Me: uhhhh.. d’ok (facepalm)

  20. I once had a girl in my bed, and before entering her vaj she stopped me. “So, you want to be my boyfriend?” And she was Dutch and said it in English. How akward. Well, I dodged the question this way. “Well, I’m sure we’ll have a good time”. And that did it for her. And she was a bootycall for over a year. She didn’t expect anything from me.

  21. Right-O, cause every woman lusts for a man who straight up shoots for mediocrity. Of course, if your bullsh*t baffles a lovely brain or two, I congratulate you on selfishly getting your needs met while ignoring hers. Sounds stand up.

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