What masculine man doesn’t like going to the gym? It’s one of the few places in the modern world that functions as something of a male-only space (more or less), and serves as an opportunity for you to thumb the eye of a modern society that demands you be weak, pasty, and effeminate.
With that being said, as great a place as the gym is, there are people who make the gym going experience worse with their idiocy, bullheadedness, or combinations of the two.
1. The “I Came to the Gym to do a Bodyweight Routine” Guy
Like this, but imagine some goof flailing his arms around in the middle of a bunch of people lifting weights.
First of all, as somebody who ends his weightlifting routine by finding a quiet corner of the gym to do bridging and twist stretching, I understand this may come off as somewhat hypocritical. Let me explain.
This is the guy who doesn’t lift a single weight, but still manages to take up the entire gym doing his body weight routine. Laying in the middle of the room doing push-ups or bridges or whatever, or doing lunges across the entire gym, being a big awkward “thumb” impeding everybody else’s workout.
Bodyweight exercises are great, but if you’re going to do them, either stay home or at least find an empty room at your gym/health club, instead of being in everybody’s way.
2. The Grunting and Screaming Guy
35 pound tricep extensions are *really* hard and necessitate loud grunting and groaning
Again, a disclaimer: I am aware that when you exhale on the eccentric motion, the air is often “forced” out of you and you involuntarily grunt. That is acceptable.
No, I’m talking about the guy who screams loud enough for the people in the next gym over to hear, the guy who “hypes” himself up by bellowing long, multisyllabic sentences and all in all does everything in his power to embody every stereotype of the pigheaded gymgoing douchebag. Bonus points if Grunty here does all of his barking and bloviating while doing quarter squats or half a bench press.
3. The Gym “Sage”
This one is a little more difficult to explain, but I guarantee any steady gymgoer has seen this guy before and would recognize it upon seeing it.
This is the—often dad-bod having and thoroughly unimpressive—guy who, rather than actually doing his own exercising, deigns to waddle around the gym giving people thoroughly useless “advice” to people that are actually putting in the sweat equity. And even if he manages to have a halfway decent physique, I think we can all agree that workouts are moments of concentration and genuine toil—only women and gay men see the gym as some sort of socializing opportunity.
This is the guy who gives the sage advice that “machines are better than weights because weights are high impact,” “do heavy cardio after heavy weightlifting,” or other well-meaning incompetent soundbites.
Needless to say, this is also the same sort of guy who will spin ill-advised “gym game” by awkwardly sidling up to cardio bunnies running on the treadmill and trying to talk to these women gasping for air. The problems with this should be obvious to anybody reading, but quite obviously they’re not to this genius.
4. The Glamour Muscle Douche
“HAW HAW WHAT ARE YOU DOING GETTING READY FOR DOGGYSTYLE?”—Actual quote I’ve heard at my job.
First of all, let me say that while as a matter of principle I am against the idea of working out purely to get big useless fluffy beach muscles that only exist to get women, I do understand the temptation, and somebody who works out for that reason but minds his own business is somebody I can tolerate.
No, when I refer to a glamour muscle douchebag, I mean a guy who not only works out solely his glamour muscles, but will mock and disparage anybody that does functional training—and I mean things like pointing and laughing at somebody who uses the squat rack to *gasp* do squats!
Luckily, this guy can be shut up pretty quickly by challenging him to do the human flag, but that’s little relief to those who are weak but are genuinely making an effort to improve themselves. As somebody who’s job entails keeping the gym a pleasant environment while also avoiding it becoming a complete hugbox, this guy is a major wrench in the works. Bonus points if he has a “towel shirt” like the guy in the featured image.
5. The Uninhibited Old Man
And last but not least, this guy, who is simultaneously the least and most annoying guy on this list. He doesn’t mean to bother anybody, and would usually prefer to just leave everybody alone but… y’know, the wrinkly shrivelled penis and pockmarked skin is a bit taxing on anybody’s mental capabilities. While I wonder what, exactly, the age is when you stop giving a damn, just avert your eyes and you should be fine.
The gym is a great place, just don’t go out of your way to make it suck by doing any of these things.
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I’m 32 been going to the gym an average of 3 times a week for 10 years now and this article is spot on. I have weights and a pull up bar at home now and will try to start going to gym only once a week gym is cool but if you can afford it and have the space I say work out at home. I’m building my home gym piece by piece now.
3 times is too little
Yeah it’s not much but I have single digit body fat and feel pretty good works for me.
Not for the natural athlete the best way to train is 3x a week full body routines an hour max.
what about for the natural dad body? and the skinny fat?
3 times is enough, you can even get away with 2 if you’re efficient
I really hate “gym sage” gym. It’s like “Geez…leave me the f*ck alone.”
i remember when some 100 pound guy gave me advice for ten fucking minutes, and then proceeded to struggle with cables…
#6 people who puts clips on the smith machine bar
#7 people who use straps for a pressing excercise
#8 old hindu guys who work out in business casual attire (khakis, polo shirt, etc)
#9 Curl-masters who tell the real men deadlifting, they are being “too loud”.
#10 People that do circuit training on equipment on opposite sides/areas of the gym. If you aren’t anywhere near the equipment, it’s fair game dude. Stop being inconsiderate and rude.
As an “old guy” who started Crossfit shortly after turning 60, I rather object to your stereotyping me.
Kids these days have no respect.
Matt, Especially the ones on this site. Don’t experience to this extent in everyday life and workplace. Makes one wonder, be it briefly. 60 year old guy, steered clear of the vapid gym culture when I did go to a gym, and I agree with your statement 100%. I stopped going to the gym when young steroid addled thugs and Turks tried to cop attitudes and picked altercations for asinine reasons. Management did nothing, but they sure debited my checking account each month, and constantly tried to get into my pockets with silly upselling. Membership expired, so bye-bye gym. I get free gym access now through my second job as a part-time evening adjunct at a CC. Armed cops on patrol. No meatheads or punks thus far. Students, staff, faculty, family members. No foolishness! I’d add another point to the writer’s article. The post-wall club girls/camp followers/gym bunnies/off the clock strippers who parade around in skimpy outfits and stiletto heels in front of the meatheads and other customers to hook up, or titillate. Soliciting for prostitution is supposedly illegal in my city and state.
laughed at the last one. there’s a past her prime woman at my gym who works out in her underwear and has a loud gym encompassing orgasm with every leg press
If you go to a YMCA or Planet Fitness you don’t get flack from youngsters who think they own the place.
I actually like PF, they have nice equipment — pretty much the same as LA Fitness only painted purple. Yes, they have gay ass hypocritical “don’t judge” bullshit on the walls along with that annoying lunk alarm, but overall it’s a good gym. They do lack some of the heavier weights so if you can deadlift a rhinocerous you won’t be happy there, but for most people it’s fine and people leave you the fuck alone. When I went to LA Fitness it was always filled with groups of kids standing around the equipment like high schoolers yacking and blocking access to everything.
Throw in the free tanning and hydro-massage it’s a hell of a deal too for 20 a month.
You sound as sensitive as a Crossfitter.
Some stereotypes are true.
I think he’s talking about the old dudes walking around in the locker room butt-ass naked, acting like they don’t give a shit. I don’t know when it happens, it seems to be around 60 or so, but at some age men just stop caring. I’m not saying that you have to act like a preteen boy covering up your junk and being totally embarrassed, but seriously! I mean you spend 99% of your time with your clothes on, don’t pretend like it’s natural to be naked in front of a bunch of strange men.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/minor_differences2/7.png
The reigning champion of most annoying people at the gym; person who sets the treadmill at a steep incline, hangs on for dear life, leaning back and body is perpendicular to the track. Makes no sense. Every time I walk by, I want to trip them.
Esp. when they’re fat as fuck.
guy using 6 machines at the same time in a super routing of combining exercises, when you see him doing squat or whatever he will tell you from the other side of the gym that he is also using that machine too, and get mad when you remove or add weight to it.
The Kid in the iphone who spend more time in the phone rather than doing excersice, they are annoying because they are sometime using equipment you need and they check facebook every set wasting like 5 minutes.
the guy using 8 pairs of dumbbells and leaving them in the floor.
the homosexual who on purpose is always very nearby you almost touching you breathing in your neck, upsss sorry I need that shit or pass to close to you all the time.
The cockbloker who talk shit about you even if you are not doing game, just by your existence those fucker talk shit about you when girls start asking about you because you look like a Greek god, and they felt compelled to cockblock. Girls that you never talk to or even think about it sometimes believe the BS and give you the bitch attitude because of the cockblocking lie the beta cuck told them, making the vibe of gym going to the toilet.
Yup I hate all that shit too. I also hate it when the gym is 75 percent empty and people want to “work in with me”. NO leave me the fuck alone, go use another machine until I am done, then you can fucking have it.
a.k.a. extroverted terrorism
For me has to be the guys who work out in front of a rack of dumbbells blocking everyone else and the stinky guy. Both have no consideration for others. 61 year old gym rat in the iron game for 40 years.
the guy using the press bench as a table for dumbbells
@hangtown
Yes, the stinky guy. Just doesn’t get that gym clothes need to be washed. Old cheese crotch and BO. It’s so yummy especially when he sweats all over the equipment and doesn’t properly wipe it down. Yeeeeecccchhhhhh!!!!
Never seen #s 1-4 at my gym, and after reading #5 twice, still don’t understand it. Is it saying someone old and wrinkly is not aesthetically pleasing enough to be at the gym?
Who would object? Gaybois who enjoy checking out young hardbodies?
Indeed. Bring back the patriarchy but disrespect the patriarchs. Anyone over 55 or so and still working out regularly and minding their own business is a role model not a figure of fun.
I think the type here is gay old men, trying to troll for fit gay mates.
It’s an undiscussed phenomena, but it seems a certain percentage of older men enter into a zone in their old age.
These guys are typically divorced, alone, not attractive to women, cannot afford to buy it, and in truth, their capabilities have declined to the point they need serious stimulation to perform. They have no chance with women attractive enough to stimulate them, so they instead look into alternatives. Fit young guys, etc.
Since gays do not have primary sexual characteristics, such as tits, these old guys have to advertise somehow. So they stroll around naked.
I am so glad I married late, and have kids still, to give me purpose in life. My wife is 26 years younger and seriously sexy. Sure beats strolling around naked in a gym!
What we DO have at my gym is a bald, maybe 5’8″ middle-aged guy who tries to be buds with everyone… men and women. He works out decently but also spends way too much time socializing and even going up and talking to someone while they’re on the treadmill or elliptical, or going up to people he knows when they’re on weight machines and getting their attention then making various weightlifting motions with his ams.
Just gotta let everyone know he is there, and chit-chat. I think he senses I find him weird, and he has yet to try and befriend me.
Werd, know the type. I think re. socializing at gyms, you do just enough to not be awkward and a bit of networking, other than that, I want to ask the super-socializers “WTF are you here for?”
GAY ARTICLE
And a gay comment to match.
I want to punch these people:
1. The douchebag who carries a dufflebag around everywhere in a busy gym, puts it on the floor next the machine he’s using, then wanders around — but will act like he still using the machine if you hop on it and start using it. A variant is the fat socializing ex-athlete that leaves towels and various machines and wander around talking and want to “work in with you” if you get on a machine.
2. Socializers who treat the gym like a social club, standing in groups chatting away in the range of motion of a machine you are using. I actually hit a douchebag while using a machine extra hard just to make a point.
There’s really no such thing as non-functional beach muscle. Muscles get bigger from being forced to do their functions under heavy strain. So you cannot build muscle without working a muscle the way it’s meant to be worked. Someone might only do pull-ups for their biceps while someone might only do bicep curls but both movements involve arm flexion and involve the biceps and arm flexors in general.
If you’re a general fitness guy, you might not need direct bicep work.
If you’re a serious bodybuilder, you need to do curls too because not doing them would be like never brushing your teeth; some people can pull it off but it’s an unnecessary risk just like ignoring direct arm work.
If you’re an arm wrestler, curls are important for strength; so are pull-ups.
If you compete in pull-ups or olympic weightlifting, I don’t really know because I have not done those sports but there’s nothing “functional” about those sports either unless you plan to compete in them.
That’s a tone I don’t care for in this article.. I mean, do you really know why different people are in the gym? Some are actually there for a specific purpose which you’re not privy to, but many are there IMHO for body image issues.
I’m looking at 2. every which way and I can’t work out what exercise he’s doing.
Annoying/Funny people at my gym:
1. 10kg Olympians.
Gym novices will do a seated dumbbell press (with 10kg dumbbell max) and instead of returning the DB to the floor in a controlled manner for the next set, they’ll exhale and just drop them from up in the air like an Olympic clean and jerker, and proceed to grab another pair from the rack and leave both pairs on the ground after they’ve finished.
2. Guys who’ll tell you their fucking life story while you’re trying to focus on a movement.
I’ll nod to the regulars or give a short greeting, but why start a dialogue with me in the middle of a set?! I have to remind some people and instructors that, surpisingly I’m here to exercise and not chit-chat.
3. Personal trainers with a client whom try to ‘muscle’ you off a piece of equipment.
Mannish Chinese instructor would interrupt the smaller, more beta guys sets and tell them that her client needed to use this piece of equipment now and they would politely vacate. I guess she was used to getting her own way because she was stunned when I gave her a simple ‘不是’ with a smile.
if you have the option, just invest in some weights and lift at home
I spent a solid 9 years straight lifting with few breaks in the routine throughout my 30s. Seen all types. IDGAF what noise you make or how you look or act as long as you don’t impede my routine. If you’re putting up obscene weight, I expect you to make a noise. Let’s talk about the guys that use gear, or spend their lives in the gym, but talk shit about people who don’t. That’s gay AF, and there’s plenty of bitch meat heads that do that. The reality is, most people are NOT in the gym for stable mental reasons, or even stable health reasons, but rather for body-dysmorphia reasons. It’s part of the reason I quit frequenting gyms as much, and do home routines more so now.
Saw an older, heavyset lady once working out at my gym (it was early January so probably was her first and last workout). During the busiest part of the day, she was taking up one of two bench press stations to sit and do 3 lb dumbbell curls.
People who think they own the gym because they’re doing a circuit. I have no problem if someone politely asks if I can wait while they finish but you inevitably get a wanker who gets shitty with you for touching equipment you thought was free because there was nobody near it.
But the worst in my gym is a woman in her 50’s who comes in her anorexic looking daughter. She once yelled at me for using the cable crossover because her daughter was ‘using it’ despite her doing something else. On another occasion I grabbed a slam ball from the ground only be be then called an asshole and rude for taking it because her daughter was ‘using it’. It’s like the gym is a minefield with her there.
I’d ignore her and continue to use it.
If she persits, laugh and tell her to fuck off.
…an added bonus round if after/during your laff, you smack your hands together, with an explosion of chalk cloud in her face.
I actually like number two. Maybe it’s from watching too much DragonBall Z as a kid, or maybe too many fitness YouTube videos like HodgeTwins and BigJsExtremeFitness.
I’ve been that guy sometimes. Trying to bench three plates (I’m a genetic beta, admittedly), I let out a loud Lexington Steele yell.
#Strong bro. Do you also carry a gallon jug of water with a suspension of mystery powder e.g. N.O. Explode? Please say yes.
Genetic Beta? What is that? LOL… Jesus…
This article sounds almost ghey.
I don’t understand this statement about older men, although that may be because I myself am not on the sunny side of 50:
“the wrinkly shrivelled penis and pockmarked skin is a bit taxing on anybody’s mental capabilities …”
Men don’t strain their mental capabilities by thinking about other men’s bodies. In an all male area, nudity is not important. As for his penis, one does not look. One might see it, but one does not look at it, and therefore one doesn’t notice the wrinkles.
I only think it becomes an issue if he’s walking around the men’s change room, or sauna and trying to strike up conversations. Gays have wrecked the sauna for straight people.
“…the wrinkly shrivelled penis and pockmarked skin…”
You seriously spend your time in the gym looking at other men’s penises…? Leave that old man alone, for heavens sake!
I fucked up my back on ATG squats like that a few weeks ago. From now on, i’m going down 65% and that’s it. I’ll leave the heavy shit for the pros. I’d rather be healthy than paralyzed.
Good decision David.
As you get older the wear and tear can cause bad problems. 30 years of “flies” and other stuff screwed up my shoulders and elbow tendons. Pushups/dips and other body weight stuff have me doing much better. I wish I started with that in my 30s instead of 40s,
this is why i go to the gym at night when there is barely anyone in it.
Saturday evenings, baby. No one but the focused and dedicated. You want to catch a drink after at 9 or so, great, at that point you’ve earned it.
Wonderful article that brings us all together to hate on people who deserve it. There’s a sage at my gym but he has yet to bother me. There was this fat chick who looks bangable now and he’ll hug her for a good job. It has nothing to do with him. And he’ll sit at the bench and scope through the mirror for people to “help”.
Article reminded me of this series
The gym is a waste of time.I have a heavy bag rowing machine and race motorcycles WTH good is the gym for me?Who the hell has time to go somewhere after working all day to do this stupid shit I don’t and nor will I make time to build excessive muscle mass that is useless.
We’re very proud of you
I have pondering a little about to write a piece on the female privileges in many of the new gym environments, where they can benefit from both female-only spaces and the regular two-sex gym (within the same building), which tends to be dominated by men but still has a significant share of women too.
I like the idea in a way, since society needs both one-sex-only spaces and shared spaces, but that’s so typical for females constantly getting a pass and privilege while men are expected to just get along with whatever new cuddling principle that emerges. Maybe I should go inside the female-only part and say that I identify as a tranny.
Larsen Hayfag. I hope I encounter you in real life. If that happens, you will have an epiphany that causes your already diminutive penis to shrivel even more. Then I’ll fuck whatever 5 you are currently devoting your life to. She will vent about how much she hates you. I’ll kinda listen. But I’ll be more focused on blowing my load on her face and getting out.
Pearlbuck
OK SETTLE DOWN FAGGOT.
Oh, I’m the faggot, eh? Who is the one spending his time at the gym staring hard at “y’know, the wrinkly shrivelled penis…”
You and your gay lover who wrote this article should stay out of the gym and stick to your foam parties.
I’m pretty sure Larsen would easily choke the life out of you, child.
Highly unlikely. I abhor physical violence so much that I have a strict policy of shooting anyone who tries to initiate it.
Pearlbuck
Seek professional help post haste. Also, kiss my ass.
You all -right? There are therapists who could help – you know.?
Great article! I’ve been going to the gym for many years and have seen all types, including the ones described here. There’s also:
1. The guy who asks you how many sets you have left while you’re in the middle of your reps and expects you to answer him.
2. The guy slamming down his weights when he could easily lower them down on the last rep.
3. The jerk-off in the sauna talking on his cell phone, or playing his music on his headphones so loud you can hear it a mile away, or trying to strike up a meaningless conversation when you just want quiet and chill-time after the workout, or hangs his wet towels next to the heating unit. It’s called a dry sauna for a reason.
4. And the slob who opens his locker and has paper towels or other shit falling out of the locker, doesn’t pick it up, and then doesn’t close the door and walks away and leaves a mess for the rest of us. That’s why we can’t have nice things.
I could go on, but it looks like the rest of the comments have covered most of my pet peeves. A lot of douchebags with no respect at the gym, for sure. I just want to punch some of these people or hit them upside the head with a five pound weight.
2.5: The guy slamming down his weights at _every_ rep, because they are slightly heavier than he can handle.
Some boys in my gym do this in the deadlift every time. Wish they’d try the same “technique” with the bench press instead…
Check out this Great video on the same subject
Larsons ideal gym would be just him and no one else in it.
Reading the comments section it hit me why things are so messed up. Its bc of the atomization of our society. Its easier to sell things to people who are transient and rootless, and so a market of cookie cutter gyms, coffee shops, clothing stores … exists to feed that. And that transient consumer society is also to exist in, as because it is transient it has no consequences.
However, as a result of this we lose our socialization. All these complaints would be worked out if the same 100 people were going to the same gym year after year.
I used to go to a Gold’s. There were guys (a combination of 2 and 4) who would set up camp around the squat racks for hours.
Do your sets and get the fuck out of the way.
The horrific deadlocked hippie who smells like roadkill and bong water. Dude acts like you just tried to fish hook his arse when you demand he leave for s shower. Also, these guys-
Great article, but you left out a couple:
–The woman who rests on the machines, checks her phone, rests, checks her phone, while you do six sets of other things waiting for her to get off.
–The flambouant gay who prances around in short shorts and a crop top trolling for cock. In the dressing room his outfit is a banana hammock and nothing else. He spends a lot of time in the dressing room.
–The trainer of color who is way too touchy with the blond women.
–The person who leaves their towel and water bottle on a machine and then walks away. Is he done? Is he coming back? That’s a nice water bottle.
That’s four not a couple. Why you bothered about a guy giving it a go with a chick? Little bit of #metoo here?
5a: Old guy using hair dryer to dry his gentleman’s sausage after showering.
hahaha….just saw this today. They are everywhere!
A bit ignorant on the bodyweight thing. I have never seen anyone “get in the way” doing bodyweight exercises. Most gyms have areas and equipment especially for this. Some of us specialize in bodyweight training because of our sports or injuries incurred lifting weights with proper form.
My house is for rest. I do my exercises in the gym because its way more convenient and that’s what its for. If that troubles you that’s really too bad.
Mostly women (also some men here and there), sitting on a machine/bench, playing with their phones or texting for 5-10 minutes at the time. Leg machines especially…Guys admiring/flexing their muscles in front of mirrors (men do this much more than women). Not wiping benches, leaving them shiny with sweat for the next poor sucker. Leaving weight plates on bars. Leaving dumbbells scattered on the floor after moving on to the next exercise. Women in skimpy clothing and half-a-bottle of perfume on, suffocating everyone within 30ft of them. People coming to the gym wearing their absolutely filthy/muddy runners/hikers. Doing lunges in the middle of the gym, along the entire length of the gym, with great vigor, forcing everyone to “get of of my way”…
Why grandpas are bad, we will have wrinkles as well, so that means we cannot to the gym, what stupidity.
The author is referring to the grandpas who walk from one end of the locker room to the other, butt naked. They’ve stopped caring about decorum and dignity.. and believe it or not, “Lisa”, most guys do have some dignity.
Guys who wear their ski caps while working out. That is so extraordinarily gay.
People who completely trash the locker room. Dude, grow the fuck up and put your towels in the bin and throw away your trash. Your mommy doesn’t work here.
Taking pictures of each other working out and posting them on social media.
1. The chatterbox
Guy that goes to the gym and talks to someome 90% of the time. Even when you tell him nicely to fuck off, he doesn’t get the hint. If he does leave you alone, he usually comes back after you set!
Personally I advise eye contact at the gym. I’m there to workout not to fucking chat like women.
avoid*
I sort of had #3 once when a guy with a thick African accent told me out of the blue that I was doing my cable rows all wrong, but he was ripped and way bigger than me so I figured he knew what he was talking about and started doing them his way.
The old guys don’t bother me. Its only when they want to be friendly and talk or worse…wear fucking tight ass bike shorts. Good gawd – its so revolting, weird and creepy.
Men who wear biker shorts should be beaten unto death with their own arm.
All I can say is if this is the level of tolerance people in America have nowdays….well it’s a pretty sad world to live in…
#5 – The guy who just seems a little too comfortable standing around naked in the men’s locker room.
My travels have taught me that every Korean is this person.
fags like the homoerotic gym atmosphere, real men work out at home
What about “sweater guy”? The guy who MUST get a pump before he loses the sweater?
I find this species of gym member to be the most curious.
Go to the gym more often, be more focused, so care less about the people around you. Care about yourself more, stay out of their way but care about others less, way less. Get a gym membership for the workout, not socializing (down market, an ugly gym is a beautiful gym). Have other workout routines (hike, bike, xfit, sports, swim), your gym time is less precious.