Nation’s Sodomites Under Threat As Expecting Parents Abort Homosexual Fetuses

San Francisco, Calif. — Recently, a pre-natal exam has become available to screen for homosexuality among male fetuses, and the results are devastating; among fetuses diagnosed with homosexuality, 90% have been aborted.

The test is highly non-invasive; nurses obtain a sample of blood from the mother, and measure the levels of free-flowing estrogen released by the fetus into the bloodstream. When the fetus is male, heightened estrogen levels indicate that the fetus is in fact homosexual. Test results are further confirmed by an ultrasound of the fetus, which technicians use to assess the angle of wrist flexion:

High Definition Ultrasound

Male fetuses with over 30° wrist flexion or extension are over 99% likely to be homosexual. When these results are combined with the estrogen level figures, the test correctly identifies homosexual male fetuses 99.9% of the time, with a false positive rate under 0.1%. The test was developed by researchers at Uganda’s Makerere University’s School of Medicine, under a grant funded by the Ugandan national government.

Wrist Flexion & Extension, As Indicator Of Homosexuality

A Progressive Nation Divided

The test has caused quite the schism among formerly tight-knit progressives. Feminists have defended the use of the exam and any abortions that ensue from it, saying it is a woman’s right to abort for any reason, at any time.  Even some lesbians are coming down on the side of choice. Said one, “The main thing is that the act homosexuals commit is ugly and repugnant and afterwards they’re disgusted with themselves. They drink and take drugs, to palliate this, but they are disgusted with the act and they are always changing partners and cannot be really happy…. In women it is the opposite. They do nothing that they are disgusted by and nothing that is repulsive and afterwards they are happy and they can lead happy lives together.” With the surging popularity of in vitro fertilization among lesbian couples, these choices are being made by everyone. Proponents of choice have cited the threat of back-alley abortions with wire hangers, if abortion is further regulated.

Lesbian Protests for Abortion Rights

Meanwhile, queer men are up in arms at the prospect of a diminished future. Dr. Toby F. Gott of Wesleyan University’s Feminism, Gender & Sexuality Studies (FGSS, pronounced fægz for short) said, “imagine if these tests remain legal, their use surges, the population of buggers will decline. Who will lead Zumba classes to whip overweight single women into shape? Who will have both the strength and the grace to push those food carts down airplane aisles? Who will wear Ed Hardy? We are talking about a homocaust here.”

California legislators are mulling banning these selective abortions, but are running up against protest from the National Organization of Women and Planned Parenthood. Meanwhile, some medical practitioners are concerned that their fields will lose funding. Dr. Derr E. Ehr, uro-proctologist and director of the Anal Health Center, worries that researchers like him will lose their funding grants in a nation with fewer sodomites. Officials at the AIDS Research Institute at the University of California, San Francisco have expressed similar concern.

Meanwhile, Republicans are still trying to convince the nation that (1) they are sodomite friendly and (2) are not actually sodomites themselves. Recent epiphanies surrounding Republican politicians belie that, however.

A Republican And His Favorite Meeting Grounds

With the nation’s great and good lining up on both sides of the debate, the outcome remains to be determined.

Read Next: 7 Traits Of The Male Feminist

39 thoughts on “Nation’s Sodomites Under Threat As Expecting Parents Abort Homosexual Fetuses”

    1. Today’s April Fool will be tomorrow’s reality. Imagine if this test (minus the wrist reflex) were a reality, the pro-life Bible Bashers would be confused as hell as to what side of the fence to sit.

    1. Wrist flexion and extension was where you became in on the joke? He had me curiously sceptical till there…

  1. Maybe science can figure out a way to diagnose the female fetuses that are prone to espousing feminism.
    Or maybe we can just abort the fat/ugly ones.
    This abortion thing might be socially beneficial after all!

      1. It’s a lot easier to use the abortion-on-demand infrastructure and legal framework that’s already in place.

  2. I know it’s April Fools Day, but you’re not helping us with this poor attempt at satire. Could we please get back on message? Thank you.

      1. I detest feminists. I have gay friends, although I am not gay in the least. I am too comfortable in my own heterosexuality to feel threatened by gays, and I don’t believe that anyone can be “converted” or recruited to the other side.
        My issue with your poor attempt at satire is that it makes us look bad. And your article provoked comments that make us look even worse. Why not wise-up and choose our battle more effectively instead of making it too easy for our critics to paint us as…oh, you know the usual epithets they use.

        1. There was nothing homophobic about this – I was not taking a stance on aborting homosexual fetuses, but floating it as a possibility in the future and how people might respond, by gently poking fun at all involved. If you had clicked through the links, you’d have seen this is very much a reality for fetuses with down syndrome.

        2. I misunderstood your intent. I had assumed that you were comparing homosexuality to Down Syndrome, as if implying an insult toward one or the other. I apologize.
          I’m also Pro-Life, although I no longer block clinic entrances like I did with Operation Rescue back in the late 80s.
          Still, if I could misunderstand you so horribly despite our broad agreement on several issues, it makes me wonder how badly the Jezebel lurkers will misinterpret and exploit what they read here today.
          Nevertheless, I offer my sincere apology for not getting your article for how you intended it.

    1. Dissing white knights, manginas, and faggots is on message. If all three can be found in the same person, even better. Besides, white knightery, manginism, and faggotatiousness are a choice.

      1. Dissing white knights and manginas I can completely understand. We agree there 100%.
        But “faggotatiousness (is) a choice?” I can’t agree there.
        If being gay is a choice, then NOT being gay is also a choice. By asserting that being gay is a choice, you acknowledge that the option was open to you and you rejected it. That would make you a closeted gay.
        I’m 100% heterosexual and never had any choice in the matter.
        Do you like raw spinach? What about ice cream?
        Ice cream is completely man-made; consequently, it is unnatural. Raw spinach is natural. Can you choose to like raw spinach more than you like ice cream? I don’t mean simply forcing yourself to eat raw spinach instead of ice cream, but to actually PREFER raw spinach and to dislike ice cream. You can’t do that, can you? No one can. Similarly, how can someone force themselves to not like vagina and to prefer another male’s anus? YOU CAN’T! You either are like that or not, end of story.
        Now you know that the next time someone tells you that “gays choose to be gay,” you are listening to someone who buried his own homosexual tendencies.

        1. Homosexuality is an act, not an attraction. Actions are always choices. I guess I’m a closet gay now.

        2. Homosexuality is an act, not an attraction. Actions are always choices. I guess I’m a closet gay now.

        3. If one has the desire to commit the “act,” then that is one’s attraction. We desire what we are attracted to.
          I’ll put it another way. I’ll assume for a moment that you are purely heterosexual like myself. I know that I have preferences among women, as I will assume that you have also. Could you choose to be attracted to a woman that you ordinarily do not prefer? No amount of alcohol will make me desire a 300-pound woman with a Skrillex haircut and tattoos. It just isn’t going to happen because I have no such desire.
          “Homosexuality is an act” is just a vapid phrase that doesn’t withstand examination. It’s an orientation, meaning a preference. If you believe that you can alter your preferences, I encourage you to give unattractive women a try just to prove your point. I’ll be hear awaiting any update concerning your future escapades.
          I’d like to add that homosexuals are not “the enemy.” Sure, most feminists exploit gay issues to undermine what they call “patriarchy” (man as the head of a home), so I understand that much. But it does not follow that gays are feminists. I’ve had several conversations with gay men who disagree with feminism, and a few of them didn’t even like any women as friends. Not all homosexuals are “liberal,” either. Google “Log Cabin Republicans.” And you will find homosexuals in the Libertarian Party.
          I believe that you will find that gays will leave you alone if you leave them alone. They just want the same rights and freedoms as everyone else.

        4. “I believe that you will find that gays will leave you alone if you leave them alone. They just want the same rights and freedoms as everyone else.”
          Just like they “leave people alone” in Europe, where people are thrown in jail for quoting the bible.

        5. If you’re going to cite the Bible for its anti-homosexual verses, why not also cite the many more verses against fornication? Selective application of a moral standard is no standard at all. If you feel justified applying only part of the Bible, then how can you criticize anyone else for applying only a different part, or even none of it? You can’t. It really is all-or-nothing.

    1. “Go after gays?” I curious about what you want to do when you catch one.

      1. Make him wear the red satin boy shorts while he peels me a grape, shampoos my hair and mixes me a martini.

  3. This site is a fucking riot! Two funny as hell abortion articles in less than a week!

    1. Apolitical women are the most feminine, by far. Stridency of any political persuasion is a bit masculine for my tastes.

  4. The best satire has the ring of truth.
    If there were indeed a simple, cheap test to detect future homosexuals in the womb, we all know that parents would abort them in large numbers. There is seemingly little biological advantage for parents to bear and raise such a child.
    Yet, genetic homosexuality is in some sort of genetic equilibrium in the population.
    One theory is that bisexuals have enough of an advantage in early and broad sexual experience that they reproduce at about the same rate as straights.
    of course, there’s always liberals! My daughter-in-law is screamingly liberal while her first-born son is a gung ho little guy.who is 100% male – plays army men, rough-and-tumble, sports-minded. She is somewhat disappointed that he isn’t more politically correct at age 8.

  5. I hope science can diagnose whether female fetuses are diagnosed with lesbianism….more straight girls to fuck. hate lesbians, cannot fuck them cause they hate dick… even though they use strap-ons,lol. Also lesbians are most likely ot become feminists and male- haters and male shamers.

  6. If there was a germ of truth to it, feminists would jump all over it as a strategy. Feminists tolerate queer men, but they hate them at the same time because the queer man agenda takes attention away from feminist issues. All the freak shows are in competition because in the end, press is zero-sum.

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