Travel

8 Confessions Of A Beach Resort Worker

76 Comments

1. We’re paid in sex

By your daughters, your girlfriends, your fiancées, your wives, and other members of staff. Resort workers put up serious weekly numbers. Exotic beaches trigger single women’s slut instincts. If she arrives alone its almost too easy. If she arrives with a partner it takes shockingly little effort to get her separated.

Resort pay typically ranges from poor to abysmal so access to a continual stream of cute guests is seen as a crucial benefit if indeed not the main one. This arrangement is fully condoned by management; resorts know they can get away with lower salaries if workers are “wifey-ing up.”

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2. The innocent activities and games we play are far from innocent

They’re for our benefit. During activities and excursions I have guests introduce themselves to each other with names and backgrounds. Innocent questions like hometown and favorite Disney movie are interspersed with more ulterior ones like stop light color (relationship status), celebrity crush (mate preference) and tattoo ownership (slut indicator). We use this information to more efficiently select targets. Kickball, volleyball, red rover and something called “the beach game” turn X-rated quickly. We’ll make up rules that may seem spontaneous but rest assured they aren’t—they’re designed to get women naked and hooking up.

I know one particularly well-endowed co-worker who had an effective tactic with couples and large groups. First, he would take them out on the boat to play a few drinking games. After the women were sufficiently inebriated he would institute a clothing-off policy in order to continue playing. Since the men were out on a boat with nowhere to go they had little choice but to play along or be deemed pussies by the rest of the boat. They would stand around timidly with their comparatively small penises while the women swooned over his massive member. One would always come find him later that night.

sheramalfi

3. We are pathetically grateful for tips

As mentioned previously the financial component of our compensation is rarely much above poverty wages thus rendering us childishly appreciative for laughably meager sums. I still remember my first tip: two friendly Canadian guys handed me the equivalent of 5 dollars after a guest activity. I proceeded to introduce them to every cute girl in the hotel until they clicked with some hotties. I had the bartender send them free bottom shelf shots at the first lull in conversation. They didn’t sleep alone for the rest of their stay.

Bartenders write ad nauseam about the wisdom of taking care of servers; I would argue resort staff are a better allocation of resources because it takes a much smaller sum to impress and our ability to enable a bang is better (we have a more fun and intimate relationship with guests and we’re free to wander the resort to introduce people and take groups up to rooms, secluded balconies, staff quarters, etc.).

4. Don’t mess with the staff

We can ruin your vacation in any number of ways. This is sound advice for all customer-employee interactions but nowhere else have I experienced such a profound influence over customer experience. If you are a dickhead I can make sure you won’t get laid. If you are an entitled little princess I will go out of my way to make you feel unwanted and humiliated. This can range from the morally neutral (unfavorable seating/pairings during meals and activities) to the morally wrong (subtly letting it be known to the other guests that you are a creep) to the technically illegal (fighting you when I am drunk enough to not be held responsible).

Because pay is so low, management has little weight to reprimand its workers so more often than not complaints will fall on deaf ears. By accepting the unusual payment arrangement management has acquiesced a degree of authority over worker-guest interactions. Unless what I do is blatant, unambiguous and against the rules, management will most likely turn a blind eye to my behavior. They’d rather keep me hidden until you leave and let me continue unhindered then find and train a new employee. Because 99% of customers leave satisfied this is a deal they are more than happy to accept.

5. In spite of what I just wrote, we actually love the guests

I can only speak for Western employees typically in positions like hotel reception, surf instructors, tour guides, and so on (not housekeeping or kitchen). The guests are the reason we’re here. People at beach resorts are unsurprisingly a congenial lot and it’s impossible to dislike such a pleasant demographic. I’ve helped dozens of cool guests get laid, both guys and girls. In my estimate 90% of guests are great, 9% are neutral and maybe 1% are assholes. It’s only that 1% that would ever get detrimental treatment.

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6. We use code words for the guests that can be quite illuminating

Sharks. Dolphins. Boppers. Cherries. Obviously many professions use code to describe customers: car salesmen have “tire-kickers” (non-serious buyers) and flight attendants have “spinners” (people who can’t find their seats), but due to close customer proximity and our relative youthfulness it’s more prevalent in this profession than others. It would be useless to explain actual terms because they vary from place to place but if you happen to overhear a worker speaking cryptically pay attention. It’s really not hard to decipher and you will benefit from their seasoned assessment. Also useful for locations: “nowhere,” “the dungeon,” “the bat cave.” If you know where we’re talking about then you will know where the party will be.

7. Certain places produce sluts and certain places attract them

We get to meet large numbers of women from all over the world and develop fairly accurate mosaics of slutiness based on where she’s from and where she chooses to travel. There are a few combinations that consistently produce rates at  the high end of the bell curve:

  • American women studying abroad (bonus points for those who choose South America)
  • Southeast Asian girls who choose tourist hotspots (Bangkok, Phuket, Bali, Boracay)
  • American women who frequent the Caribbean.

It should come as no surprise that America is ground zero for whores, and it becomes easy to see why Caribbean guys are so laid back—they have a never-ending supply of rich white girls flying down for sex. Side note: I only know one girl who studied abroad in Africa and she was almost a school-wide joke for the amount of dick she took. With such a small sample I can’t draw conclusions but if you have wider experience with this demographic please get in touch, I’m curious if my suspicions are true.

8. Language is the only useful education the American education system provides for men

Planeloads of cute little things from all over the world arrive weekly during the season and if you only speak English you are at a major disadvantage. Being American is not impressive in any way to many foreigners and is in fact often detrimental. Europeans, Asians and South Americans have seen too many of our drunken frat boys and whoring, slutty co-eds to have any respect for us just off the bat. That is until you tell them about the drink specials and ask them how their flight was in their own language. Then suddenly the table of pouty, teenage dreamboats straight off the plane from Madrid is at your full attention. Your value has just increased tenfold and eight eager little smiles greet you whenever you walk up to them. Virginities will be taken before the trip home.

The model quality Prada-toting 18-year-olds from Paris open up after you drop some French and wine knowledge. And by open up I mean they open their vaginas. If I could do college all over again I would opt for the highest-level language courses available and switch out my electives for a second language.

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Not every resort is like this but the crazier ones certainly are. If you haven’t worked in one I would recommend you give it a try for a season. Also, I wouldn’t advise guys to allow their girlfriends to go to these places alone. If you do accompany her, don’t go to bed early if she’s staying up.

Read More: The Final Verdict On Swedish Girls

76 thoughts on “8 Confessions Of A Beach Resort Worker”

  1. This article is the reason I will never have a committed American girlfriend for the rest of my life….

    1. Something tells me that the contents of this article have little to do with your lack (now or in the future) of an American girlfriend.

      1. I would assume places where college students can travel on a budget. Gulf-side Florida (Panama City) and the Atlantic coast of Mexico (Cancun & Cozumel) come to mind.

        2. Man does Ixtapa suck. I spent three months down their in Ixtapa/Zihuatenejo and couldn’t wait to get the fuck out. Weather is nice and some decent surfing spots but it’s horrible for chicks.

  4. Umm, if some loser with an IQ of a slave asked me and my girlfriend to get naked on a boat in the ocean, I would probably throw him into the water to take a swim with the fishes instead.
    And separating women from their significant other ON VACATION, and then having sex with them?
    I just don’t buy it.
    The only place this article is probably remotely true is Jamaica.

    1. If you have one small argument with your special snowflake in a beach resort, you can bet your ass she will be sucking some island cock while you passed out on cheap coladas….Oh and forget girls trip, that’s asking for it.

    2. If my girl ever left my side during a vacation for any extended period of time, I’d immediately get suspicious…and if she insists on separating from me, we’re done. Also, if my girl ever gets naked with another man, we’re done. Weak-willed men allow their women to participate in such nonsense…and then they wonder why their women don’t respect them. These men who allow such nonsense usually end up raising another man’s child thinking it’s his own.
      Women are scandalous…but some men are too.

      1. True..but you come from a country where man has no value…your thunder speech of “I will leave you if you do this or that ” will fall on deaf ears. She will just be like, meh, so what..idc..next

        1. I don’t dictate to women or anybody else for that matter, so I wouldn’t tell my girl “if you do this I’m done.” After she runs around naked with this strange resort employee and comes back to me I’ll say, “looks like you had tons of fun…all that’s left for you to do is suck the man’s dick…go ahead, you know you want to.” Once we get back to shore, I would keep my distance from her. She’s free to be a slut; I cannot and will not attempt to stop her. I’ll just look for new pussy to bang and when my vacay is over, I’ll pack and leave.
          By the way, men with no value in my country would tolerate such behavior from women.

        2. Man, you nailed it right there. That pretty much sums it up.
          99% of us American men have no value to the American female whatsoever.
          No matter what we do or think or say.

        4. Mitchell is correct.
          It’s sad really. I’m a young guy, and in my demographic You can’t even have self-respect when it impedes on a girls’ desires during the early courting phase, they will discard you faster than they’d discard soap scum.
          young girls will never change their behavior because young men are even more disposable than the razors they shave their legs with.
          You can act as high value as you want, it just means more pussy for the guy who left his dignity behind.

    3. If guys honestly fall for the clothing-off trick then the average guy is now far stupider and weaker than I could ever imagine.
      The sad thing is, with the state the world is in today, I could believe it.

      1. Assuming that the article was all true, gonna suck the day that that employee tries that game with a guy who makes him look small on the boat.

    4. I would not be getting naked on a boat with a bunch of other dudes to continue playing some boater’s dumb game. Only a gay would go along with it.

  5. Once a girl is one major terrain feature away I assume they are slutting it up. Especially on Spring Break.

    1. Tip 20% in general in the bars and restaurants, cabs etc. If the concierge has done things for you tip him when you leave. Leave some money for the chambermaid and in fact give her a $10 upfront. A lot of people neglect to tip her and she’ll appreciate it.

  7. Depends where you are travelling abroad. I think being as US citizen gets you plus points everywhere except perhaps Europe. There they are neutral to you and you are on a more level playing field. Guys who are non-US citizens can ironically do best in the US/North America, as they can leverage their accent there the most.
    If your game isn’t working; if you change your environment, that one simple step can get you results.

      1. I was standing in line waiting to get into a club in Cancun once and the girl in front of me in line said something disparaging about Americans.
        Anyway, a few minutes later I asked her if she was British and when she confirmed she was I told her that I loved British girls. She asked why. And I told her it was because they speak really good American over there. The look on her face was priceless.

        3. Actually I’m English and was born there(natural born US citizen because of my father) and most people speak like shit even worse than the US in general.

    2. I nominate Australian women for far outcuntinessing British women.It`s ok if you`re a yank,but if your a local……

    1. The part I can’t believe is fighting with a customer and having the staff overlook it based on intoxication. I know people that work on resort cruises and that would not only get them fired but also have legal ramifications.

    2. He’s full of shit and is just another blanket blogboy(hey I invented a tongue twister lol) who has rarely been out of the cellar in his ‘hood.
      The hired help does not fraternise with the guests or are they permitted in their rooms and that goes triple for the stumblebums like this guy who stand around waiting for a nickel tip.
      In the better places there may be a tennis or golf pro who gives lessons to guests including female guests but they know better than to fool around with the females which is against hotel rules and will get them fired from a good job (not a nickel tip) Fighting or even being insolent to a guest of course would be prohibited and get you fired and the hotel may even turn you over to the cops. You think they want to get sued or get a bad reputation?
      And btw, English is the #1 language in the world and any girl under 40 will speak it from passable to perfect. In fact, I never get to learn much of anything else because every girl just wants to speak English. This is funny.
      “The model quality Prada-toting 18-year-olds from Paris open up after you drop some French and wine knowledge.”
      Sure, she’s going to be impressed with the hired help who works for nickel tips and likely only knows about wine that comes in a box. These types of girls have probably been drinking Ch. Margaux and Cristal since they were 12. lol

      1. I have been to Jamaica. I attest that this article is the bloody truth. I was shocked but just watching the amazing scene. Lots of white women were being picked up by the locals, in front of their partners. Yes that is nothing but the truth. Just go and see.

  9. Having worked in this industry in the past, I can say that this is a nice addition to the fiction section.

    1. maybe he’s extrapolating from kavos/magaluf [shaguluf]/ ibiza. drunk british reps definitely do this sort of thing there and there’s nothing particularly unusual in what he said

    2. as a side note, want feminine russian girls on tour for holidays? croatia/greek islands/ before sunny beach in bulgaria

  10. There’s a course at university here called “trans-cultural communication”.
    Judging from it’s attendants, it’s basically “how to suck foreign dick 101”

  11. the issue of fighting the guests while youre drunk, wouldnt that go against company rules and get you fired? And also isnt that against the law in your country(im assumin USA) and would result with you and the guest going to prision?
    Id like to read an article on when to fight(not just the typical you have to fight) and the laws behind it.
    Good article makes me wanna go work at those resorts.

    1. That, my friend, is the “tell” of his lie.
      Acting like it’s difficult to train a new resort worker when it can be done in a week, and most locals would jump at the chance to steal from tourists.
      A resort whose workers fight with residents is a resort quickly out of business. Hell, you could even avoid fighting the high-profile clients only combatting the people in cheapo rooms and they’d still can you.

    2. I can assure you that the worker would go to jail and not the guest. The guest may even sue the hotel.
      And no worker at any decent place would ever get drunk even off duty in the hotel bar or unless he lived far from the hotel. The hotel doesn’t want its guests seeing some drunk who works at the hotel.

  13. This is some sort of fan fiction or belongs in penthouse letters. I’ve done a fair amount of traveling to beach or tropical resorts, I’ve handed out generous tips, and the only girls the staff members try to hook you up with are hookers.

    1. Either this article is BS or it is written by the world’s best resort worker. I’ve never gotten such favorable treatment from anyone for only a $5 tip. But there are so many tightwads out there maybe a $5 tip is more than I realize.

    1. You couldn’t get laid in Boracay? The Philippines? Old guys in their 70’s get laid there. Quasimodo could get some in Boracay.

  17. I’ve found the following with women
    1. All women with alcohol in their system put out.
    2. Women on holiday want sex before they have to go back to their job back home!
    If I find a girl that has travelled to my home town and is drinking, it requires nearly no effort to get her back to my place.

    1. Lol. And most of those bitches you fucked probably have dumb beta boyfriends back home that think they are little angels.
      Women love to cheat on their husbands and boyfriends. Its excites them. They know their sucker-ass boyfriends will forgive them even if they get caught.
      Dont be that guy. Better to find a girl that doesnt drink.

    2. I disagree about the alcohol part but it’s true that females on holiday are looking for men the same way that men are looking for women.

      1. Alcohol makes menwomen horny and breaks down defences. If u apply charm to a drunk woman, due to her defences down, its very hard for her to say no. Her whole body and mind wants to fuck u but she struggles to say no. That’s why women cheat when they get drunk and also cause they are very emotional beings.

        2. yes, for their weakness women can do a cunt act. Out of all crimes we have in our society, the people that lie the most out of all these crimes are women regarding fake rape charges (information taken from FBI). How good is it… your ex pisses u off and u have the power to put him in jail. only works for women tho if your a male, the law would just laugh at u!

  18. This is the dumbest thing I’ve read in a while. I would never take my clothes off on a boat with a bunch of strangers and some weirdo instructor, I would absolutely never allow my gf to do it. If someone even dares to question my decision I’d make the boat turn around. And of course I would NEVER allow my girl to split up with me in the middle of the night to go get drunk by herself, no matter if there is good looking resort staff around, or just other random tourists. Even if it’s other couples. I’m not tolerating such behavior in my city, why would I do so on vacation? And of course my girl is NOT going on vacation without me. Yes most women are sluts and none can be trusted. The solution is simply DONT BE A DOORMAT.

      2. Make that 99%. Oh well, I guess we have to excuse these blanket blogboys and their fantasies because they don’t have anything else in life.

  22. OMG He used the key word “illuminati” in one of his words. You have triggered my MK ULTRA mind control programming. Praise LUCIFER, the glorious Light Bringer!
    Satanic masterrace reporting in!

  23. “dont mess with the staff” :
    Lol. I suppose when you’ve failed enough in life to end up
    in the “hospitality” industry, you need some way to equalise your angry lot
    with the universe.

    1. reminds me of Waiting with Ryan Reynolds.
      But with that being said, these “losers” certainly have more free time to develop their game and other valuable qualities
      That’s the trade off you make living and working in America. An option to make enough money for children to live comfortably, or your own pussy paradise.
      No real room for in between anymore

  26. Jobs in tourism are natural pussy paradise. For guides it’s totally natural, they take the leader position in their group, can speak well and chicks on holiday want it anyway so…

  27. Having just went to a resort in the caribbean last fall, I gotta say, it’s true. I hungout with a lot of the staff and other “bros” on vacation there and they slayed so much ass. And this was the off season. I’m not hating, they all had tight game. I also talked about this with girls I was with and met there and they all agreed they spread there legs for a local at least once.

  28. lol this is a great piece, but this article also killed off any last feeling of guilt I have in treating you all like shit.
    now I know all those times a resort worker “helped” me between my ages of 13-18 with a girl because he spiked her daquiri, he was trying to get with her the whole time lol

  29. # 2 sounds like Bull$hit. In fact, I think most of the article is a little “padded”. Nice try.

    1. It’s all bullshit. This guy who’s supposed to be in the business couldn’t name 5 of the top world’s resorts.

  32. I have worked in the industry. The real a-holes are the french men, who think they can pick up your American wife and screw her. These a-ho$&s tried it a few times with my stunning wife and I had to take a couple of them out, literally, with a good old Brooklyn back massage. Don’t let these idiots fool ya, they are just a bunch if crack and pot smoking d-bags that simply need a knuckle sandwich when they get out of line or say inappropriate things to your wife in your presence. Their trick is to try and humiliate you in front of your wife and a crowd, not thinking they are about to say hello to your fists. But you need to do it rightbthen and there, and afterwards, these pus$e&s become your best friends.

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