Girls

American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women

693 Comments

Fast food has its purpose. But I don’t know anyone, given the choice, who would pick a Big Mac over a gourmet meal from a fancy restaurant–or, better yet, a nice home-cooked banquet. Like it or not, women follow the same rules. My business has recently taken me on some pretty extensive travels around the world. And like so many men I’ve talked to, spending time away from the United States opened my eyes to a few things. But on those travels, one agonizing fact kept nagging my thoughts: sooner or later, I knew I was returning back to my country—and its Papa John women.

And, sure enough, the moment my big toe touched American soil, I confirmed every single one of my fears. We’re serving up fast food, and of the worst kind.

Why Papa John’s?

My beef with Papa John goes back a few years, but is encapsulated by one occasion when I was throwing out my garbage and spotted a greasy Papa John’s pizza box jammed in between the Hefty Cinch Saks. It couldn’t have looked more unappealing, with its greasy back, and it reminded me of the Papa’s thin, watery sauce and undercooked toppings. What might have been a passing moment was etched into my brain with one thought: somebody is keeping this place in business.

This might be controversial, but Papa John’s is the least edible of the fast food pizzas. I’d take a Domino’s and, to a lesser extent, a Pizza Hut pizza any day of the week. Pizza Hut may have that thick, butter-laden crust but the toppings don’t slide off of it the moment you don’t keep it at a perfect horizontal angle, or choose not to eat it with a fork and knife.

PapaJohnsLogo

They’re greasy.

American girls’ fatness is so well-documented, it’s almost absurd to repeat it. To make matters worse, people all over the world know this about them—making them a national embarrassment of Starbucks-milkshake proportions. I was frankly shocked at the extent of laughs I could get at the expense of American women abroad. I felt a little unpatriotic at moments, but saying something as simple and factual as “an American girl could eat that whole thing,” would bring the house down. Reliably.

They’re unhealthy.

It’s one thing to be fat, but American girls are also mental wrecks. Medicated to oblivion, and—even the best of them—harboring bizarre attitudes towards sex and relationships, American women are nutritionally bankrupt. You don’t eat Papa John’s for the vitamins, and you don’t feel great after having finished one. While I’m left in a strange funk after spending any kind of time with an American girl, I was sighing at the loss when I’d drop off a foreign girl back at her house or put her in a cab.

gb_trash

They’re cold and sloppy.

Papa John’s may be convenient, but it comes at a roughly body temperature and makes a mess if you so much as try to lift up one of those soggy slices. That’s your American woman in a nutshell. Emotionally damaged, they’re apprehensive and terrified of showing the slightest hint of affection, thinking icy bitchiness is a replacement for polite disinterest. And they’ll almost certainly make a mess if you put your thirsty hand in that box. Getting involved with an American girl these days is a near-guarantee that you’ll be paying retail price for something that’s internationally known as being low quality–can’t cook, clean, or dress. I had forgotten flip-flops existed until just a few days ago.

They’re discarded.

Crushed between two garbage bags in the tank, American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate in desperation last night. You may have gotten the box out of your house, but the effects remain: you’re that much more undernourished, unsatisfied, and depressed as a result. But on a street full of nicer restaurants, your best bet is to pick a better place to eat.

Returning to America after an extended hiatus has reminded me just how much men are being robbed blind here. Abroad, I’d see guys proudly holding hands with a pretty girl and both of them showing heart-felt affection. It took all of 10 minutes for me to spot the American equivalent: a miserable-looking dude with a dumpy girl—who was edible, if she was delivered to your house—in a contorted death grip that looked like someone had put a gun to their backs. As my bags came off the carousel, I knew one thing: I was back to eating Papa John’s.

Read More: 24 Signs She’s A Slut

693 thoughts on “American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women”

  1. Great metaphor.
    The first thought I had when I saw the head line was American women are a terrible value. I don’t order PJs. But someone did for a family get together a few months back. Those were the smallest, most overpriced pieces of mediocre pizza I’d ever seen. I was shocked that 2 medium pizza’s, with coupons, were still over $30! It reminds me how you can spend a small fortune on a dine and dash ameriwhore with very little to show for it except a sense of regret.
    Like PJ’s I don’t order American any more. Frankly, I can’t stand ’em. I’ll be on a plane in 2 weeks to places where the pizza, and the women are hot, fresh and satisfying.

  2. I’m just glad Tuthmosis is back writing again. Missed the hard hitting insight & brutally honest wit.

        1. <<hp.. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il659r:….,……

      4. I think you were one of the first articles I r ead here. It has not been the same since you left. Same reasons as Frank your realness and crude truths with no fear. I still remember that article about the damaged girls, it made me see things different, expanded horizons. Write a book man!! Glad to see u r still around!!

      5. i think the guys who are enjoying this article the most are the ones who couldn’t buy a piece of ass in a whorehouse with fresh-minted money…….i’ve had a ball with american women all my life, and intend to continue doing so…….you can break any woman to follow with the proper skillset

        1. Somewhat. The biggest problem is that theyre programmed with a gynocentric attitude since childhood. As a result many of them become emotionally damaged due to too much promiscuity at an early age, learning to completely disconnect from their natural tender instincts as a defense mechanism. Once that happens, couple it with the damaged ability to pair bond and you have the bad attitude women of today.
          That said there are a lot of great women in America. Catch is most of them get snapped up very young. I’m a good example. I married a woman noticeably younger, and we started seeing each other while she was too young to legally drink. Being from Alabama I know a lot of guys in good relationships like that as well…..all of them married women they met either right out of high school or during the first year or two of college.
          If you’re looking for good American women older than 22 it’s a desert.

        2. something that rarely gets mentioned here anymore is the shortage of good men……one or two bad relationships with a beta boy and a woman gets sour…….older they get, the less they trust……..it’s a mess

        3. Relationships with betas are bad for them because no tingles. Betas get betrayed more than they betray.

        4. maybe so, but it just takes one betrayed beta to lash out and hurt a woman, and the damage spreads throughout her entire social/family circle……..ripple effect…..beta boys are alpha males worst enemy, not conniving women…….we can see them coming a mile away

    3. Yeah, he’s definitely a breath of fresh air! And ummm by the way, where the Fuck is Av Yader?! Hahaha

    4. Sadly this kind of uselessness is spreading. You separate a Polish woman for example, from her father before she is married and she begins the same horrible slide into ignominy.

    5. Wit. Yep. Witty. …..glad to have some real honest truth. American women, are sloppy pizzas. And American men are…. sloppy pizzas.

  4. “edible, if she was delivered to your house”
    Few American women are this, even if delivered to your house.

  5. So that is what it is! In NY the women come from all over the world. Many of which are first generation immigrants or citizens. Needless to say, unless if you only want white women, you will find some of the most nimble, beautiful, natural, non tattooed women a city can offer. There aren’t a surplus of women with tattoos across their chest or face, or body. And most of the women are some what pliable to either date for a bit or sleep with.
    Cross that with the Midwest and Chicago and there are two dichotomies. If you want marginal white women are the only option. Most of the women are otherwise, fat, tattooed, entitled, feminist, or all around bitter. The better women here classify as 7 in NY. As such they have a sense of entitlement that reeks of moldy cheese. I don’t even know how men call any of these women girlfriends or wives out here. I knew it was only a matter of time before I decided when to leave but the quality of women only pushed up the timetable.

    1. All the white immigrants in NYC are more or less Eastern European, no? A pal of mine went that route, even if the woman was six years older.

      1. From what I remembered yes. Many also waif thin and haven’t been thoroughly indoctrinated into the fatpocalypse the Midwest eagerly bought into. It was a joy to day game in New York. In Chicago the options are so low, I guess I should be happy I mostly hear a yes. Low quality is still low quality.

        3. There’s a fire in my pants, lol.
          I wonder, would Es un fuego en mis pantalones work better?

  6. The American women stick out like a sore thumb when abroad. Fat and loud. I don’t recall every seeing a foreign man on one’s arm either. They are intentionally avoided.

    1. According to an american woman in my country Sweden, american girls get attention in Sweden and she has even heard swedish guys bragging to their friends about their american girlfriends.

      1. Bro you can have all the american females you want. They won’t be missed back home.

  7. Another comment said it well, when an american male travels abroad his SMV increases a couple of points, an american females SMV drops a couple points.

    1. Hell, you don’t even have to leave the country–just go to South Beach. Overrun by Euros in March and April.

      1. That’s important information. Is Miami a good location to run game on european women looking for travel sex?

        1. I thought so–though I stayed at a crowded, cheap hostel both times I went. Only American there.

        2. I heard hostels were good way to meet european females who are taking year off from college, which should be target rich opportunity. Is that not real? This would be good subject for ROK article. If you can’t travel to europe, alternative strategies for running game on european women as they travel to your country.

        3. ironic that European men also travel to Florida or LA to hit on American girls.
          There is this grass is greener on the other side-myth.

        4. That’s because all they know about america is an image they get from hollywood, which doesn’t sync up with reality. They think they are going to find the coors light bikini team, except they find the ham beasts at the all you can eat lunch buffet.

        5. Not all have to be college-age; this British chick I met–give her a 7-8–was four years older than I was, but still a good time.

        6. but where do muricans get their image of European women from?
          Both feminism and obesity occurs in Europe, particularly North/West and Central countries.

        7. Ran into European women in U.S., Canada, and Australia–with the exception of one fat German girl and two very obnoxious Swedes, all were pleasant, decent in the looks department, and I honestly would go out with any of them.

        9. I didn’t think the Swedish were ugly and rude, just the two in my hostel. I thought the Dutch, Czech, and British were very nice. French were a tad aloof.

        10. According to an american woman in my country Sweden, american girls get
          attention in Sweden and she has even heard swedish guys bragging to
          their friends about their american girlfriends. She might be full of shit though.

        11. I am not a huge fan of Miami. There is game to be run there, but not my brand

        12. In a word, “Yes”. I can’t think of a better place in the US to run game consistently on EU women than Miami. But, as others have said, it’s a different kind of game. Typically requires big $$, those women are looking for high rollers and, if you’re not sipping 50 dollar drinks by the pool, you’re going to have trouble getting in venues where they are.
          But, oh my God yes, Miami is an incredible place to run game. Miami is what Vegas portrays itself to be, no rules, enough money can buy you anything, late night parties, early morning parties, and incredibly attractive women from around the world who are 100% pros (although, to be frank, probably 50% of them are pros).
          Just bring your wallet. Because game in Miami is a rich man’s endeavor.

        3. I don’t know what I find more surprising…
          … that they cheat on their boyfriends without hesitation.
          … or that some people are still naive enough to hold on to the notion of exclusivity.

        6. True to a certain extent. Alcohol, as opposed to psychedelics, seems to deactivate large parts of the personality, though, which does make you more stupid, I think. Yes, the inhibitions get deactivated; but along with them, a lot of the higher cognitive stuf.

    2. What’s “SMV”? Special Meatball Velocity”? Well, girls don’t throw so well, so I can see how it might be off.

    3. I don’t think her SMV drops. For instance American people are warmer and more open than many European ethnicities. You can daygame American tourist girls in a foodcourt here, that would be pointless to do with swedish girls.

      1. But why would you want to day game a female who is 40lbs oveweight and won’t stop talking?

        1. young white american women I’ve seen in America and elsewhere are not fatter than swedish girls.
          Black American women are fat though.

        2. That’s a bit of a cultural exaggeration. Yeah, plenty of fat chicks to be found, but there are still lots of thin or in shape girls to hit on. It may depend on region of course, but around my part, just north of THE Ohio State University, thin pretty chicks run in huge herds like buffalo used to in the old West.

        4. It has striked me everytime I’ve been to the US that the obesity problem is mostly a negro and hispanic problem. Since I am not inte black women I don’t care. I have not been in the Bible Belt though.

        6. That’s basically my experience as well. There are fat white chicks, but I don’t have any issue finding decent, in shape or at least thin white girls wherever I go.

        7. Seems like obesity rates goes hand in hand with crime rates in America:
          Blacks – Hispanics – Whites – Asians.

        9. I am training my senses to totally disregard all women over 150 pounds. Grant you I will probably bump into them from time to time, but I think it is worth the trade off. I feel like once I learn this I can go live in a monetary on the top of a mountain like Pei Mei and people will come to me for training.

        11. WHAT?/?
          AN OHIO KATZ’s. What has the world come to. There is only one Katz’s and it is on East Houston and Ludlow.

        12. You’d be shocked at what you’ll find outside the giant castle walls of NYC.

        14. Oh shit, man. You try Katz’s in Columbus one time, you’ll change your mind. Plus…all the hot OSU chicks. You can’t lose.

        16. It will never happen. Katz’s is on the lower east side. I have my type for girls and the mid western brand doesn’t do it for me. That’s ok. Taste is subjective. However, I refuse to accept Katz’s anywhere that isn’t the lower east side.

        17. I’m curious what you consider the “midwestern brand”? Didn’t you have a bang up time with an Ohio girl not too terribly long ago?
          EDIT: Actually we can take that to Telegram, it’s utterly unrelated to this article.

        19. I am not saying that they are unfuckable, just not my primary taste. That said, I like a large variety and what my tastes are do change as I get bored of whatever it is I have and then look for something else.
          We were talking the other day about the whole casual thing. It is a big turn off for me. Girls in jeans are a turn off for me, jean shorts even worse. College campuses are pretty ubiquitous in the whole dressing casual thing which is a big turn off for me and when you mix that with the whole blondey in sneakers working at the car wash look I pretty much just ignore.

        21. HA!
          Ok. I am totally willing to say they look like they are worth trying. I was just shocked at the idea that Katz’s opened up a second location somewhere and immediately rejected the notion.

        23. oh I would. I am a huge deli fan and always willing to try something out.

        24. that said, you should order some Katz’s to be shipped to you. They ship worldwide and are the founders of the slogan “Send a Salami to Your Boy in the Army”

        26. I’m down for it. I order food and have it shipped frequently. What do you recommend…

        28. Depends on your taste. Brisket is awesome and their pastrami is, imo, the best in the business. They have something called Knoblewurst which they invented which is a garlic sausage but I mean…it is so much freaking garlic its absurd. I love it, but you really, really, really have to like garlic.

        30. clean her up, fix her hair, put her in a dress with some heels, teach her to do her make up properly and how to walk like a lady and maybe I won’t ignore her.

        32. Heh. People are so freaking weird sometimes. Still she has the standard look (outside of being topless) that I encounter day in and day out.

        36. it’s pretty awesome. That said, you can smell it from about 30 feet away.

        37. people love the corned beef, but I am not generally a CB fan so I always order either brisket or pastrami or the knoblewurst.

        39. Two pounds each of CB, pastrami and brisket…I love good meat and if I can freeze some of it, and it’s still good, I don’t really care how much it costs. I mean, within reason. Awesome. Thx.

        40. Attention Whoring 101. Required course for graduation. Boobs paid for by sugar daddy scholarship fund.

        42. Well if they’re going to be topless in public, I prefer that they’re at least cute. Women can go topless in Ohio, it’s not illegal here, and some do. Unfortunately 85% of the ones that do are absolute ughs.

        44. I leave the city on occasion. I am a big fan of the Hudson Valley and there are lovely mountains upstage NY

        46. My beef with white americans is typically their personalities. While AWALT, they take it to a level that’s unbearable.

        47. As long as one eyed Daryl Hannah doesn’t poison your pork dumpling, I’m sure that’s viable.

  9. Maybe Papa John’s will come up with a new specialty pizza…”The American Woman”. Toppings: Blue hair, venom and bile…

  10. The greasy part hits the nail on the head. They have acne, backne, and chestne. You can see the grease dripping from their pores as they sweat bullets after consuming 2500 calories for lunch during their “cheat day.”

  11. Why do large numbers of young American women imitate porn chicks in bed. Spitting on the cock, saying, “Fuck me!”, or “Fuck this pussy!”, etc. Makes me want to laugh out loud…I keep expecting them to look around for a camera while I’m banging them. “Oh yeah…uh-huh…do you LIKE this pussy?”, etc. Fucking hilarious.

    1. Millennials chicks are the first generation to grow up with unlimited free access to porn. Its the new normal. They don’t just want rough sex once a month, they want it every time. Then afterwards they go back to their girlfriends and tell them everything, and then tweet about it on twitter.

    2. Eh, I don’t mind noisy girls actually. If it’s obviously fake and a performance, ok yeah, but if they’re just enthusiastically noisy, that’s ok by me.

      1. True. But usually their performance is as fake as those porn chicks’ in the movies. If the quality is there, I don’t mind. But if it’s cartoonish…well…

      2. as long as they aren’t too noisy outside of the bed I don’t really care what they sound like inside of it.

        1. Yeah, speaking strictly in the context of sex. Outside the bed, the quieter, the better.

      1. “Oh yaaaaaaa-UH…oh yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah oh god FUCK meeeeeeeeee-EEEEE” etc.

      2. I like it when they say “what are you planning to do with that coat hanger”

    4. The way women act in most porn is a total boner killer for me, which is why I usually turn off the sound. How can anyone think this fake exaggerated moaning is sexy? It’s like trying to have an intimate moment with the the New Cilit Bang advert. I mean, what is this? This is not feminine. It’s like the dude’s fucking a robot without emotions or something. The only thing worse is the crying women in Japanese porn.

      1. I agree. If they really cry, from an emotionally honest level, that’s cool with me. Same for displaying Sexual Tourette’s and babbling all of that porn stuff they babble, but only if it’s on the level. Which it isn’t, usually.

        3. This 29-year-old hairdresser once cried, as if from her soul, while I banged her. I was only 20 at the time and thought, “What the fuck?” Years later, I got it and appreciated it…youth is wasted on the young.

        6. I don’t know, but she was over-the-top crying the whole time. One and only time that ever happened to me…she had a vagina that looked like a snapping turtle, too. That thing had a beak on it.

      2. DOn’t be absurd, they don’t have emotions. You need a soul to have emotions.

        1. Haha. Right. My mistake.
          The idea crossed my mind today that women’s emotions, while displayed in a more extreme manner, are actually much more shallow than those of men. Partly because I have heard that testosterone seriously inhibits emotional expression. So basically you see a girl having these extreme displays and you think ‘Whoa, she must feel really strongly about this. Because if I was crying like she is, it would have to mean the world is going under. Better I help her or something’

      3. Not to mention the growing amount of women that are tatted up in porn. Major turn off.

  12. Nigga who wrote this got some serious issues, yo. And why all the hate against Papa John’s? Compared to Pizza Hut it’s actually pretty good

    1. Domino’s actually is halfway decent–I wouldn’t eat the other two. Had Pizza Hut the other night when a tad inebriated…I thought it was total shit.

      2. I hate the garlic crust on Domino’s pizza. Not sure why they changed it, the old crust was much better.

    2. Why anyone would eat a pizza chain when there is much better local alternatives is confusing to me. But then again I’m from the Northeast, I remember pickings were slimmer out west.

      2. Haven’t had Little Caesars in maybe 20 years or so. I was actually under the impression they went out of business, but thinking about it, it might have been because I’ve moved around and may simply not have been near one.
        I don’t recall having either a positive or negative opinion of them. Maybe they were better back then, or at least tolerable?

        1. Now that you mention it…I ate it 20 years ago and it wasn’t as bad as it is now…

        2. You can still eat a little Caesers that was made 20 years ago. I’ll leave it at that.

      3. I’m convinced it’s not even food. Just special blends of plastic and flavorizer.

        1. Agreed. I think it’s kind of funny that this article is about American women, and we have such little regard for them, we’re talking about pizza…

    2. That was the exact same thing that crossed my mind. Little Caesers is to pizza what Lone Star is to beer.

  14. Eagerly awaiting the next “Girls with short hair are damaged” articles by Tuthmosis to trigger the shit out of feminists and to make my day.
    Great to have you back.

    1. Actually (to me at least) a short do can be sexy if not TOO short, and styled properly. Not fond of the down to the ass Ann Coulter look. But hair dyed pink, purple etc., yeah, best keep away!

      1. Well, I have to admit the manchester cut (skingirl look) looks kind of hot when she has a pretty face, but that is just the rare exception. These girls also tend to be fat and have tattoos. I’ll pass.
        I told an Iranian girl (who turned out to be a feminist) my opinion on short hair… and man, how she got annoyed by that!

      2. Dang dude, I love really long hair on a girl. That whole dykish boy haircut thing, even if it’s made semi-feminine “pixie” just does nothing for me whatsoever. Different strokes and all that I suppose.

        2. I have to go with you here. Even that one in a million rare girl who nails a short haircut would look better if she let her hair grow long.

        3. Short hair is more of an African thing as you can see with this African queen from when blacks first arrived here on Earth like a million years ago.
          http://img07.deviantart.net/324e/i/2013/100/6/4/african_queen_by_striapunina-d6156vm.jpg
          I guess they stumbled on or ate something they shouldn’t have afterwards. There’s alot you have to watch out for here on Earth buut . .
          Hair is really for whites. Gingers especially. They’re defined as such by their hair in fact. Their hair accents them exceptionally well.
          http://image.dhgate.com/0x0/f2/albu/g4/M01/22/F5/rBVaEFdOd8qAeNhKAAA4zlGIpbk525.jpg
          See what I mean. You have to strip them naked practically to take your eyes off their hair. You’d be staring at their hair all day. I’m still cross eyed at this pic.

        4. This girl looks like she should be Max Zorin’s personal body guard.

        12. Good question. I took a good look and she’s got nipples but they’re not protruding. With a little ‘spit-n-diddle’, I’ve always been able to get a woman’s nipples to pop out. It depends on their arousal level.
          Also the areoli are almost invisible due to less pigment. Blacks visibly have large areoli as well as middle easterners due to pigment. This white skinned lady likely has a little nigger mama blood with those budding coffee can lid sized feeders. Motherfucker be best to wear goggles.
          http://66.media.tumblr.com/926387733797ca4e3533d9cc3c85e069/tumblr_o6n53jPLSY1vr7xm4o1_500.jpg
          Packy chicks too. Big pigment area even with nipple retracted.
          http://66.media.tumblr.com/785e96f76dedc3716db5255303faac21/tumblr_obgsbyy4hQ1ubtjcwo1_540.jpg
          Lighter pigmented caucasian and asiatic women have the smaller visible areoli. The buds and feeding zone is there but you just can’t see it due to light pigment. White chick’s areoli seems to increase with proportion to the hip girth but they’re as good milkers as any for feeding.
          http://y2.pichunter.com/3515791_10_o.jpg
          With this platinum blonde you can see clearly that very little pigment is present on the nipple or surroundings. Even a tiny micro band bikini top would completely cover the nipple unless it were protruding. It would be all hats off if her nips popped out with a string micro top on the beach.
          http://y2.pichunter.com/2639059_3_o.jpg

        13. Fantastic analysis professor.
          …
          Dinner plates with fingers coming out are too much

        14. I’m a proponent of tit feeding. Tit feeding should be the law. I’m frequently telling my woman to shut up and tit feed. It’s just an expression like ”shut up” or ”no way”. She’s used to it. The first time I said ”shut up and tit feed” to a woman at my work she looked speechless and shocked. I’ve said it quite a few more times to her and now she’s used to it and I heard her arguing with another female telling her to shut up and tit feed. The other female argued that her young toddler at home had teeth and was bottle fed. I’m optimistic that at least the phrase is catching on.

        15. Been playing Goldeneye:Source lately it’s just like the 64 version love me some coincidences.

        17. You’re right the puzzle is a bit simple, like done in ten seconds. Maybe a rubik’s cube stuck on top with velcro would be better. Or a rubik’s revenge. I’ve never done one of those. I’d stay still and let her do the slogging as I try to reverse figure the algorhythms for the 2nd and 3rd rows. She looks like one of those girls that takes forever to finish and go to sleep so I’d undoubtably procrastinate and hold the bone as I concentrate on the cube.

        18. lol, I basically divorced wife #1 when she came home with a pixie cut. She knew I hate short hair on women for the most part, but felt that defying my wishes was enpowering herself. This was back in my blue pill days, but even then I knew it was over.
          Wife #2 (15 year married) has long hair and is from Poland. American women are by far the worst I’ve ever dealt with.

        20. Thanks. Tits are important to me. Tit pics speak to me so I speak for the tits because they don’t have a voice of their own. Call me a bleeding heart but hungry babies speak to me too. When I hear a baby cry, I look around to the females standing around and I give them a stink eye. They need to shut up and tit feed, all of them. There are poor hungry babies out there. When I see a good woman pull out a jug and offer up, I know the world is still good. A woman roused to horniness at the sound of a baby squealing is so lovely to see when she pulls out a protruding pink nipple. I almost get a hard on for her if the daddy isn’t around. Lucky bastard. I’ll only chat her and give her a thumbs up. At least I snagged my own tit feeding woman back home. That’s all that matters.

        21. ahahahah, as a staunch and proud tits guy, I agree 100% with your analysis. Heck, I even left my east-asian eyes fetish for tits. There should be an article: “why you shouldn’t put tits on a pedestal” because it is a very clever trap.

        22. Indeed. She doesn’t have to have it down to her ass but long hair wins. Women have no idea the damage that they do to themselves when they cut their hair to look like a teenage boy.

        23. I told one woman that I preferred long hair on a woman. The woman said that she’ll probably cut her hair short when she gets a little older (35). I told her that she should get used to being alone (single) and spending time with her cats (they won’t mind her short hair).
          The look on her face was priceless.

        24. I’ve seen bald cancer white chicks with stunning facial features. If she wants to try a short hair cut, at least you know it will grow back in about 3-5 months. The facial features are less resistant to change, however

      3. Yeah, a chick who is already hot can work it, but it never makes her hotter than having long hair

      1. Feminists do that naturally. Slut shaming is wrong but women should not be seen as sex objects what?

  15. Papa Johns is my favorite of all the pizza franchises. I do wish Pizza Hut would bring back the Big New Yorker from back in the early 2000s

  16. There is no excuse to eat at Papa Johns, Pizza Hut or Dominos if you live within 10 miles of a major city that either has, or at one point had a significant Italian immigrant population.

    1. There’s an Indian/Pakistani restaurant a few miles away from where I live that makes “pizza” with their cuisine; that sounds far more appealing than any mainstream American pizza joint.

    2. Yeah, I live in waspy whitebreadland, so for me, PJs is the best of a bad situation

      2. not true. Get some semolina flour and a pizza stone and learn to make a simple sauce. You will be whipping up much better pizza out of yourhome oven.

        1. Most small time pizza joints will also sell you balls of dough for a few bucks. We get really good whole wheat dough and make our own at home with top notch ingredients.

        2. yup. I used to do this bit I learned how to make my own and found it to be pretty fun to do. You can make a bunch one day when you are bored and freeze it for a while.

        3. I bought a pasta roller a few months back (because home made noodles rules) so I am getting pretty good at making a well of flour and adding eggs. Basic life skills for the win…

        4. I have been thinking about one of these. How was the learning curve. I am pretty much under the impression that thanks to youtube you can pretty much just learn how to do anything in a day and perfect it over a month or so.

        5. To get any kind of decent results you really have to grow your own wheat for the flour. I know many places you can get a halfway decent pizza stone but none of them will replace the results you get when you hand quarry a stone from one of the select sites around Rome. The Italian Heritage Foundation provides a helpful list of the most historically significant quarries.
          Heirloom Roma tomato’s are the ONLY way to make the sauce.

        6. I use San Marzano tomatoes as getting a good fresh tomato in NYC is like finding a virgin in vegas. The whole foods has some pretty good flour and I am pretty happy with my pizza stone.

        7. You can find a virgin in Vegas. I am sure ROK draws a lot of its readership from Vegas ,Henderson and surrounding areas.

        8. Easy. Only took one batch to figure it out. The hardest part was finding a good counter in my shitty rental to anchor the thing down to. I think I paid $60. It’s amazing how good homemade pasta tastes even raw.

        10. yeah. It is basically just a big round bit of marble that you leave in the bottom of your stove all the time but comes in handy when you need it. I don’t remember how much it costs which means it was probably cheap

        11. ugh. Must I search for a better idiom or could you just take my point?

        14. Im not enthused, the guy knows/loves to cook. he air dries condors in his shower

        15. I did an olive oil / winery tour / cooking class in Italy and we made homemade pasta. The key, which is the cardinal rule of all Italian food, was simple, fresh ingredients. There were only I think 4 ingredients in our Ravioli. The flour, a fresh egg, the cheese we used for the filling, and something I’m forgetting. Anyway, it was incredibly simple, we ground it using one of those play doh looking tools, and needless to say the best pasta I’ve ever had. I’m working on reducing processed foods as there’s really no reason to eat them.

        17. makes sense. the carbonation plus the yeast probably do wonders. Same trick in a lot of crepe batters.

    1. With cheese fused to the box with the hard consistency of plastic. But cardboard is digestible and you can learn to choke it down with a quart of pepsi. After a year you will have forgotten what pizza tastes like so you won’t care anymore.

  19. Aren’t there any genuine Italian pizzeria’s/restaurants in America (I live in Europe), where they still hand-make the pizza and bake it in a traditional oven?
    From the comments it doesn’t seem so. These pizza chains all look so fake… like Western women.

    1. Sure there are. All over the place actually. They just don’t advertise much so chances are you’re not going to know about them except through word of mouth.

    2. What are you talking about. I can get to about 20 of them from my apartment and about half of those have been grandfathered past the bullshit environmental nonsense and still have coal ovens.

      1. I had no idea; I have never been to America, but then I read the comments, and I remember what my friends told me they ate in America… which made me pose said question. And I was too lazy to google it.

        3. Oh good lord, no. Well, maybe if you’re gauging by Italian food and delis, then ok. The best breakfasts you’ll eat are generally in what was once the Old West, Cajun food is legendarily good (and, it is), and you’re not going to find better German food than in the Midwest.

        5. Lombardi’s is good, but they have got a bit touristy. For the simple slice shop I call john’s on 6th and Carmine. Da Farro in Brooklyn is my favorite, but I will very rarely go to Brooklyn and almost never that deep in. There are a few truly good places and under that a few pretty good places. The problem is that there are like a billion shops owned by Koreans and Mexicans which are putting out really crappy product. People get here and try them and say “oh nyc pizza is bullshit” I would say that there are maybe 50 places for good pizza in new York and another 15 which are truly exceptional. Everything else is just greasy bullshit.

        6. I’ll make the effort, but I honestly can’t fathom when I’ll be able to come back.

        7. Yup. I mean, like all places, big cities, small towns, in the US or elsewise, the locals (and visitors who have been around for a while) always know where to get the good stuff be it caccio e pepe in rome, pizza in new York or girls blowing donkeys in mexico…always ask a local.

        8. Old West breakfasts don’t feature nearly enough scrapple. And we can credit the Germans who settled in Pennsylvania for spreading their food to the midwest, which, last I checked, Pennsylvania is right next to New Jersey.
          Actually, I’m just part reminiscing and part trying to start a war unrelated to politics. It’s too subjective a topic to speak in such absolutes.

        9. From Missouri to Pennsylvania is one long swath of Deutschland I believe. Here in OH-IO(!) we have cities that just got out of using German for everyday life and government documents in the late 1940’s. Almost any given day I can hit a bar and if a bunch of guys are farting around playing corn hole I’ll hear a language that is mostly English except with a few pidgin German words thrown in that they just grew up with.
          I’m not a scrapple man. Give me hash browns, good lean bacon (and lots of it), eggs and corned beef hash any day of the week.

        10. Oh Scrapple! I was in a diner in Allentown, PA and stopped for breakfast and had never heard of scrapple. I asked “what is scrapple” and a salty old waitress said “exactly what it sounds like”
          lol that was 25 years ago.

        12. If you find yourself in the Carolinas, don’t bother asking about the Liver pudding

        15. I already love the sound of that! My eventual retirement destination is in Beaufort, NC

        17. I think I’ll have 2. One somewhere in the northern Midwest, and one somewhere in Asia.

        18. I have thought of the overseas place (for me it was in Juan les Pins in the south of france) but to be honest, after a life of fast pace living I think I would be very happy to have a little house in Beaufort with a nice little skiff on the water, a pool and a bunch of hobbies.

        19. My uh, stay, in Boofurt was rather brief, but I didn’t really get a liking for it.

        20. I don’t think I would like it right now. It strikes me as the right kind of place for me to be in my mid 60’s and growing tomatoes and shaking my fist at things.

        24. I live in New Orleans. After working in NJ and many spots across this country I can say the food here is much better. Not Pizza but most else. One of the few reasons I still abide. I recall an article about how men should cook and it struck me that here, you would be considered weird if you didn’t. An aside, dudes in the marching bands (inner city) pull ass. go figure.

      2. Lol never heard of a coal burning oven for pizza… really ? Coal? Why would you put coal anywhere near food? Woodburning, yes. Coal? That’s a new one.

  20. Laughing my ass off at the fact that the comments section is almost entirely made up of people debating whether or not Papa Johns pizza really is “that bad”. No one debating his assertions about American women.

    1. That’s because we all agree on the quality of American women. Heh.

        8. Why yes. Yes she does. She also sends all of her prisoners to Mousewitz.

        9. Proof how ideology can ruin even the most beautiful thing in the world. (Exaggerating for the sake of the joke; of course there are more beautiful things)

        12. Your picture proves the opposite to me. When I see somebody, especially a girl, in a uniform with symbols, I can’t help but strongly think: What a stupid mindless piece of crap.

        14. Stupid, sure, mindless, ok. But she’s still aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

        15. She as a sexual object is. But the uniform is total turn-off for me. Nothing smells ‘mentally ill and extremely insecure’ like someone who loves the government.

        18. Nah man, there is something deep in my soul that cries out against doing that. I would feel like raping myself doing it. The only instinct I have seeing that chick is to flip a bird at her.

        20. As a bonafide libertarian, I agree with your sentiment. However I have a bit of lolknee’s personality when it comes to that kind of woman, insofar as I wouldn’t mind deflowering her and having her cry out anarchist slogans as I fuck her senseless.

        22. While that may be true, I don’t think this is an indicator. I have a very strong sex drive and a lot of weird fantasies. But that doesn’t mean I put sex on the top of my priorities list.

        23. Do you think strong sex drive and weird fantasies are correlated? My drive is not really the strongest for people my age, but to this day I still haven’t found someone who I haven’t managed to put off with a fantasy of mine. I would not only bang that girl, but also take her to be my fuck buddy. She seems extremely neat.

        24. Heh, they may be separate.
          But alright, challenge me. Unless your fantasies involve giving her a strap-on to buttfuck you or eat her shit or drink her piss (the other way around is acceptable), I don’t think I’ll hear anything surprising.

        25. I live in a country where meeting a black person is more unlikely than meeting a celebrity. When I tell my friends than I would totally have an orgy with black chicks, they get repulsed. What about you?

        27. Whaat? Of course I would. I would love to assfuck some really dark black thing and get my dick dirty in her.
          Unless she is that very annoying bossy kind of black chick, then I might hesitate.
          You have one more try.

        30. You not wanting to be mainstream is mainstream, you silly piece of slavic Sauerkraut.

        32. Haha. From admitting you’d fuck a black chick? I have written much worse stuff on the internet. Actually, I never thought of this as something that might put somebody off.

        33. Ogm. I really want a hitler cat. That would be great. Id make sime jew friends and invite them ,,, over just to see their reactions.
          ..
          Id give the lil guy an arm band.

        35. So you’re saying that if there is something about me that somebody might find unattractive, I must not have any personal preferences? I don’t see the logic there, my friend.

        36. I was being … something between ironic and sarcastic.
          The eyebrow thing is not a narcissism thing; I simply felt the need to shave them off, because I felt it would feel good to get rid of that hair.

        37. Yep. Tom is a hipster.
          ….
          …
          And hipsters are
          …
          ..
          ..
          ..
          Literally hitler.
          ….
          .thats right, jew guessed it folks.

        40. Tom, weve had lengthy discussions, and i agree with some pf what you say, and fins other stuff at least interesting.
          .. But ive got to say, dude, you are fucked up.

        41. He’s pretending he doesn’t like the girl. Look at him, he’s so skinhead that he has no eyebrows.

        43. Well, it seems some of my friends are not so inventive. But no, I’m not self-conscious from admitting that I would fuck a black girl, but from some of the stuff in my head. But anyway, I will use my second shot. I would have the Nazi girl as a fuck buddy. We would have a black girl as our pet. The black girl would be in a chastity device, restricted from any kind of sexual release. The Nazi girl would boss the black girl around, and the black girl would be our slave. If that’s OK for you, high-five for not being boring, and I give up because I want some dignity left.

        49. Haha! Alright, that’s not bad. It’s far from anything I would call truly degenerate, but I enjoy this idea. I would certainly not leave her in that chastity belt forever though. Take her out every now and then and have fun with her (without allowing her to come) and then put her back in. Heh.
          Have you ever heard of Fansadox comics?

        53. Don’t worry. We won’t judge you.
          So kind of a Mandingo party in reverse? Make sure you wife is watching.

        54. Google wasn’t very helpful on what exactly a Mandingo party is, but I will go with “yes”, because there will be black women there.

        55. Try Urban Dictionary. Actually a Mandingo Party is black men boning a white woman while her husband looks on. I guess you want a Mandinga party?

        58. Somehow I missed your comment. I’ve seen some of those comics on Tumblr (yes, sometimes I use Tumblr for porn reasons), but I didn’t know they were called that way.
          The thing about taking the girl out and then putting her back in, that’s mandatory. Otherwise she would lose interest. You got to keep her on her toes.

        59. As far as I understand, a Mandiga party would be me banging a black chick while my, presumably, white wife is watching. I actually imagined the black girl being the one watching. But hell, I would try both. I would try everything, and fuck that black slut until she turns into a white slut.

        60. Actually I think it would be multiple black chicks. Make sure you’ve had lots of Maca and Tribulus root. You’re going to need it.

        63. I LOATHE cats… but I think I might pay money for one with Uncle Adolph’s killer (heh) stache.

      3. hey GoJ, I hope you decide to write an article here someday. You got some good wisdom and experience to share!

      1. It’s pretty revealing that we don’t have to make exceptions for Canadian chicks and can just lump them in.

    4. It’s a metaphor bro. I propose we discuss everything like this so as to throw off trolls and jezebel perusers.

      1. Yeah. I realize that. But somehow I don’t think comments like this: “Papa Johns is my favorite of all the pizza franchises. I do wish Pizza Hut would bring back the Big New Yorker from back in the early 2000s” are being metaphorical.
        Which is fine. Just think it’s funny.

    5. Because if you put a wig on a pepperoni pizza and put it next to the face of the average American womyn you won’t be able to tell the difference.

    6. The author is a retarded dipshit. Pizza Hut pizza is shit. Total SHIT. Never had another brand of pizza that crashes my disgestive system with ONE FUCKING SLICE.
      FUCK this moron with a chainsaw.

  22. In Papa John’s defense pizza sucks across the board. After delivery it runs towards $40-50 for 2 large pizzas. Often delivered late and cold after sitting on some driver’s filthy car seat. Quality is pretty bad too. All that cheese is hard to digest and comes out of your ass like glue.
    Keep some frozen pizzas on hand for when you want it. At Costco can get them for about $2.50 each. Even the supermarket gourmet varieties are less than $6.
    My son works at a pizza joint that also sells sandwiches. People will order sandwiches for delivery and the bill runs to $30.
    A bread machine and a good supply of flour can get you past those times of no food in the house.

    1. I’d suggest a new pizza joint for you. We don’t order often, but when we do it comes in fast, hot (sometimes too hot) and quite tasty. It’s a local joint of course and not some corporate chain.

      2. If I had a back yard I would totally build an outdoor woodfired oven. That would be a dream come true and fits prominently in my retirement house plan.

    2. Horrible nutritional value as well. And between the carbs and cheese, your hunger will never be satisfied.

      1. I used to eat pizza regularly, as in every week. (Not the Papa Johns variety though), until my uncle pointed out it’s mostly bread and greasy cheese. I tended to think of it as more of a balanced meal, having all 4 food groups, but of course it’s mostly cheese and bread. I rarely eat it anymore, although a great Napolitan style pizza is amazing.

    4. Where do you live, man? In Munich, two ordered large pizzas (unless you mean some XXL party pizza) will cost around 14 EUR. Delivery is usually free.
      But I agree. Pizza sucks usually.
      What amazes me about delivery services is that despite the great ‘capitalism’ and ‘competition’, pretty much every business ships the same stuff. Erm, I mean the same crap. Where is all the variety?

      1. We have plenty of variety. There are yuuuuuuge distinct differences in the pizzas from different joints around here. I mean yeah, it’s pizza, but one has a sauce that is more sweet or less sweet, the other hand grates their fresh cheese, or makes their own pepperoni, or whatever.

        1. Right. But don’t think just pizzas. Where is the variety of type of food? It seems that the only types of services in Munich are: Japanese, Greek, Italian, Indian, Chinese, Vietnamese. And a couple of German ones, ironically.

    5. A guy named elmer talking about glue coming out the ass.
      ….
      ….
      I bet yoy have experience.

  23. I wonder if this will break the internet, like the 24 signs article?
    Rhetorical question, because he just objectively compared American women to Grade F pizza that hasn’t been prepared or cooked properly.
    If this doesn’t trigger people, I don’t know what will.

  24. Crack a bottle of the finest, Tuthmosis is back on ROK! Banging article brother

  25. Crack a bottle of the finest, Tuthmosis is back on ROK! Banging article brother

  26. I must say I like a fresh pizza from the stone oven where the cheese is almost liquid. Yes, you have to eat it with a fork and a knife, but it tastes awesome. I hate the pizzas where the cheese basically turns into a big disgusting blob of plasticky mass once the pizza is anything but super hot.

  27. I recently tried to order papa johns online, and they told me that it would cost an extra $3 for them to ATTEMPT to get my order to me in a timely fashion, and even then they couldn’t promise anything.

    2. When will papa johns apologize to the manoshere for making american females fat and greasy?

      1. Right, but its not guaranteed, but I still have to pay an extra $3 either way, and even then its only going to bump ONE of the two pizzas I ordered to the front of the queue.
        So here I am having a party, order pizza for everyone, only one pizza comes, 3 hours later the other pizza comes, and now I look like a huge asshole? #Awesome #CustomerService

      1. Girl: I faked my orgasm
        Guy: That’s ok, I am not really a billionaire, secret agent, ninja astronaut

        2. It’s funny…I lied and pretended I was somebody else only once, in order to get the girl in bed, and she believed me. Now I tell girls the truth about what I’ve accomplished, and they don’t believe me. Ha. They all want to be lied to…

        3. Sometimes the opposite can happen. You can be in a real shitty life situation and be the total loser and she will be into you and you will tell her what a loser you are and she won’t believe it either. Because ‘I would never be attracted to a loser’

        4. I almost never tell women any salient details about myself.
          Where do you work?
          On Madison Avenue.
          What do you do?
          Get paid to talk about work (insert smile).
          I find this to be superior for a number of reasons. At most women know I am a corporate guy but never really the specific industry and never the location of my office. This comes in handy because who needs that showing up. BUt more than that, I have learned something about women.
          Women may be whores, but they don’t see themselves that way…they can’t see themselves that way. That would ruin them. So when they do something particularly slutty they need to justify it. So the less you tell a woman about yourself the more she will fill in those blanks with whatever it is that she feels is special.
          What does this woman know about me? Well, she knows I wear a suit to work and she knows my office is on Madison. She can tell I am doing alright. That’s about it. So when she is gagging on my cock and licking my asshole 4 hours after meeting me she can justify it by assuming I am some really big fucking deal in whatever way she thinks a big deal is.
          Harness the power of female self delusion. That shit makes a mixture of cold fusion, nuclear fission and kratom look like a static shock.

        5. Great advice. I usually don’t tell women what I do, or what I’ve done. For those reasons. But sometimes I will, especially if they are pushy and bangable. I wind up showing them, online, what I do, and who I am, after they tell me they don’t believe me. Then they typically wind up spreading their legs. It’s amazing how much better looking a guy is, in a woman’s eyes, once they can ascertain he has a lot of shit going on…”Oh, don’t you think he’s sexy – I always did”, etc. Delusional. Yes.

        6. I think they want to destroy what a man is and make him align with what they want him to be. I haven’t seen to much variation from woman to woman, in that regard.

        8. Acceptable career lies to give to women. 99% of them will have no clue and just smile and nod.
          Senior Alchemical Engineer
          Director of Phrenology at (insert hospital name here)
          Structural Support Specialist (you lean against walls, heh)
          Shepherd (I’ve used this before, the girl literally said “Oh…does that pay well?”)
          Freelance Sperm Donor (obviously, they’ll laugh at this one)

        9. exactly. So there is a restaurant near me that is over priced. It has been around forever. It is like a club of sorts. Good food, loads of celebrities, hard to get a reservation and if you are coming for the first few times expect to get seated in the jim crow table and ignored by the waiters.
          I go there every Friday. I get the same awesome table near the action at the same time. It’s not because I am special. I go every Friday, tip well, make jokes at the bar and am polite.
          The point? So when I invite a woman out and tell her to meet me there they already know a few things. They know I am going to this place so I am doing alright. Then we come in and the bartender makes my drink before I ask for it, the waiter comes over and shakes my hand and the owner comes and greets me and tells me no rush my table is waiting for me.
          She knows I have something going but doesn’t know what it is. She asks, but I blow it off and talk about wine or music or something funny I saw on the street or something that happened to me during the week that made me laugh or whatever. Meanwhile, people walk past our table and stop and greet me, I say hello to the Cardinal who is there almost every Friday around the same time. Let her hamster decide who I am. I am just the guy she is on a date with. Let her fill in the salient details in such a way that she can justify, to her self, any depraved act.

        10. I do like Pediatric Gynecologist.
          I am thinking now that I am going to straight face tell some bird that I am a “billionaire, ninja, spy, astronaut but you can’t tell anyone because I am on a secret mission”

        11. also, alchemical engineer sounds good until one of them wants you to turn lead into gold.

        12. And they will never wonder: Wait. If it is secret, why did he tell me?
          Like the article ’25 Things a Pornstar will Never Tell you’, written by a pornstar.

        13. The amount of language people are losing in just the last ten years is absolutely mind boggling. I seriously doubt 99% of the people I would say that to would even question it or know that alchemy is not, you know, chemistry.

        14. it is pretty odd how quickly we see to be losing language. It’s really sad.

        15. Damn…you and I are so much alike in that regard. There’s this upscale restaurant literally across the street from me. I do the same exact thing that you do. Everybody knows me there. I give betting tips frequently to the waiters and bar staff. And those tips pan out, if you catch my drift, most of the time. So when I take a woman there, the staff treats me like I’m the Godfather. They fuss over me, give me the best table, and ask me who I like in whatever big game is coming up. Women eat that shit up. You could be 80 years old and they would eat that shit up. That’s the difference between a man and a woman. A man can have peak SMV at virtually any stage of his life. A woman, not so much. Case in point – one of the waiters at that restaurant is a drinking buddy of mine. He hooked up with this hot, 18-year-old chick who was working there. (Really good-looking girl.) Now this guy is 32, in shape, good-looking guy. But he has no money, basically. He hasn’t accomplished anything. So he was crying to me a couple months ago, because his 18-year-old girlfriend (drum roll)….ditched him for a 72-year-old rich guy. Crazy shit, but so true. If you want to get girls, get successful. It trumps everything else and I do mean everything…

        16. Yeah so true. Kids in the next room, listening to ’em bang the edgy-guy-of-the-week…it’s criminal.

        17. That’s not necessarily what I mean.
          I talked to two single mothers on Facebook 2 days back. I told them what they have to expect when their little boys grow up. And they were like: No. Men must learn to appreciate their feminine sides. I will teach my son to do this. It will be a better world without war. Better for all women.

        18. Which proves they are delusional. They expect the world and all of its inhabitants to comport with their views of how things should be, and that will never happen. But they can’t see it…

        19. They also told me how they appreciate both the feminine and masculine in themselves and how they are ‘androgynous’. Leading them to believe that they can replace a father thanks to that.
          Smh.
          It’s almost as if I said that incorporating my Jungian Anima makes me capable of giving birth.

        21. When women ask me where I’m from, I typically say, “I was born in a manger…many years ago.” When they ask me what I do, I typically say, “Things that most people can’t pronounce.” Go ahead guys, steal those two lines, I’m okay with it…whatever gets you laid.

        23. Funny how that works…isn’t it. But all they want is a nice guy with a job and a sense of humor.

        25. it is pretty odd how quickly we see to be losing language. It’s really sad.
          Indeed. For example, already you’ve lost the ability to put the letter “m” at the end of the word “seem”. Heh

        26. “But all they want is a nice guy with a job and a sense of humor.”
          Sarcasm? That’s very blue pill conditioning.

        28. They are self-destructive. No doubt about it. And they destroy everybody around them, if those around them let them do it. It’s hard-wired in them, I think. “If mama isn’t happy, nobody’s happy.” Etc.

        32. HA! I have actually said that my parents sent me here from krypton when I was a young child.

        33. She’s really good in bed…took my money and turned my life upside-down, but I totally recommend that you bang her at least once.

        36. I wonder: If I went on a dating profile and listed my income as 500k/year and wrote nothing in the profile but “15 inch dick. don’t believe me? come prove me a liar” How much my inbox would blow up.

        38. Oh, I thought it was some hindu god which harnesses the power of being an insane hot inidian chick, having 4 arms and being a god.

        39. I sense it would depend on your profile picture. If the picture seems congruent with this in terms of character, it could work. Otherwise, it may come off as try-hard.

        40. Similar retort. A total toss-off. Women love that shit, as you know. You don’t give them what they want, and you make them laugh. It’s preconditioning them to take their clothes off later…while they think, “There’s something about this guy I really like…and he’s no pushover”. If they press the manger thing, I say something like, “Well, I don’t like to talk about it, because The Three Wise Men might get upset, not to mention my mother, Mary. You know, Mary, from ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’?” – and then I might throw in a Jimmy Stewart impression, “Muh-muh-muh MARY”, but only if they are laughing really hard prior to my pulling it out. It’s all about intent and strategy and maintaining an air of mystery as you keep things light, while also showing that you don’t give a flying fuck if they spread their legs for you or not. If you go to war without those (intent and strategy), you’re going to lose.

        42. I think picture needs to be a super average nothing stand out kind of guy for purpose of experiment.

        46. Well, the thing is: If you go by my intuition, the text may make some 20% of a difference. While the picture can make 1000% difference. So focusing on the text seems a bit like micromanaging. Pareto, man.

        49. I am more interested in it as an anthropological study (in as far as you can consider these birds human)

        50. Hm. I feel there are more interesting things to study about humans. But hey, that’s why God creates variety. So that each has different interests.

        51. I’m finding any cultural references that pre-date the 1990’s fall almost always on deaf ears and ignorant minds. I’ve met Millenial girls who have never heard the name Clark Gable nor even Sean Connery. Jimmy Stewart impressions, fun though they may be, would leave them standing there asking “Oh, what is that, is that from Tosh.0?”

        52. there are far more interesting things to study for sure. This might double, however, for trolling purposes.

        53. actually, I wonder, using what we know about women, if a perfect man dating profile could be set up and how many times a woman will allow herself to be stood up with a lame excuse

        54. “Kali Yuga is the last of the four stages the world goes through as part
          of the cycle of yugas described in the Sanskrit scriptures, within the
          present Mahayuga. The other ages are called Satya Yuga, Treta Yuga, and
          Dvapara Yuga.” The apocalypse. The End Times. Every religion has something similar, pretty much. The Kali Yuga is supposed to last for 432,000 years. And supposedly, we are currently in the end stage of Kali Yuga, according to Sanskrit teachings. In astrology, I think we’re supposedly entering the Age of Aquarius (depending on whom you ask)…

        55. I think we’re supposedly entering the Age of Aquarius (depending on whom you ask)…
          Would you say that this is the dawning of that time period?

        56. They still show that movie every Christmas, at least around these parts. I think I’ve had one or two look at me, like, WTF, but other than that, they seem to know the score (or maybe they just pretend like they know that movie; hmm, could be)…

        58. I still don’t know what the fuck it is supposed to mean. It says ‘present Mahayuga’, so hell, after that comes another Mahayuga, no? So it is pretty much meaningless anyway.

        59. oh tom, I just want to see women all slutted up standing around a bar looking sad and then getting some lame text and going out the next night to do it all over again. It’s just for lulz

        60. Are you referring to that old song…heh.
          You’ve got the following subtypes of astrology (and there are many other esoteric types):
          Burmese astrology
          Chinese astrology
          Electional astrology
          Horary astrology
          Horoscopic astrology
          Natal astrology
          Indian astrology
          Sidereal astrology
          Sri Lankan Astrology (Sinhalese Astrology)
          Tibetan astrology
          Western astrology
          Tropical astrology
          Most people who are hip to astrology claim nobody can be sure about when that era is supposed to start – meaning the Piscean Age giving way to the Age of Aquarius. I don’t know, I’m not that into it. Some astrologers I know swear we are already in that age. Others think we aren’t. Others say they don’t know.

        64. You could make a point out of inventing a job title that sounds real, but means nothing. And she would ask what that job means. And you would explain it with other words that mean nothing. And if she asked again, you would explain these words with even other words that mean nothing.
          And then you would say: Don’t worry. Most people don’t get it.

        68. Yeah, just remembering lame hippy songs from my way back yoot.

        69. I’m actually pretty accomplished at that level of bullshitting Tom. Working as a bartender for a while, being in a rock band (a…not successful rock band), as well as being a general extrovert, has honed my bullshitting skills to the point where I can take anything said to me on the fly and craft a dazzling pile of bullshit that people can and do get lost in as a response.

        70. Agreed so why did some blue pill conditioned moderator delete my related comment as spam? Isn’t ROK supposed to be red pill?

        71. Why aren’t you a politician yet?
          There is only one defense against this, which I am learning to master: The skill of saying ‘I don’t fucking understand what you mean. And I don’t need to’

        72. I know nothing about such a comment. Are you sure it was deleted? Sometimes the main discussion, due to some HTML quirk or something, stops showing some comments. You can still get answers to them and find them in your Disqus profile though.

        73. I’d rather use my powers for good than….
          No, strike that. I’d rather use my powers to amuse myself at others expense. Plus, it’s great fun and really, people really do seem to respond positively. If a girl walks away from me and is not thinking that I’m the coolest Druidic Priest she’s ever met, then I will have failed in my mission.

        74. Fuck you GOJ; of us two, I am the Druidic Priest. You are a filthy Christian. 🙂
          In fact, I have past life memories of being a Druidic Mystic Shaman or something and then our tribe got extinguished by Christians. Eat that!

        75. The things I’ve convinced women that I am would amaze you Tom. It’s all in the presentation and smooth, confident talking. Throw in a bit of humor and it’s a sealed deal.

        77. I wonder if I will ever develop such a playfulness. I feel disgust at the idea of pretending to be something I am not. Heh. As you always say with what feels ‘good’ and ‘bad’, pretending feels very ‘bad’ to me.

        79. Depends how you’re dressed. If you’re dressed like James Bond in a suit, ”I’m an unemployed goat farmer from Pennsylvania, and you?” cracks them up.
          Also ”hedge fund manager” when you’re in the laundrymat in flip flops with a beach towel robe as all your good duds are spinning in the wringer cycle.

        80. It’s all in good fun, and mostly for my own personal amusement. Another fun strategy is to take whatever she says her job is and try to build off that.
          A conversation I had yesterday with this exceptionally attractive brunette.
          Me: “So now that you’ve grilled me with 20 questions, tell me what you do”
          Her: “Oh, I was an MP in the Army (edit: military police).”
          Me: “Well damn, we may know each other then. I was in the military and was constantly getting busted for…”enjoying myself a bit too much in public”. What kind of handcuffs do you have? Are they stainless steel? Tell me they’re stainless steel. I knew you looked familiar.”
          Her: “Hahahaha”
          Riff on the handcuff theme for a bit and it basically turns to sexual talk in very short order. Once you get there, it’s game set match.

        81. The problem with that is chicks are into astrology so they know what that word means.

        82. Always carry can of whip cream in side holster. ”Excuse me, you got any handcuffs, miss?”

        83. I don’t know, not so my style. Too… sophisticated. But then, I’m an introvert.
          Btw, she grilled you with 20 questions? Try asking a girl 3 questions in a row and she will answer with: What is this, an interview?

        85. She was very interested in me I guess. When out and about I start conversations with people on a lark, just to keep things interesting. It attracts other people over time, and where others go, women flock. Conformists and such.
          And speaking of going out and about, it’s that time for me. Off to the gym and from there, who knows, the world is my oyster.

        86. True. Well, sometimes I tell them I lead an organization to end Women’s Suffrage in The Current Year.

        88. I like that one.
          …
          Ofc similar to the old man show bit.
          …
          …
          Gd has kimmel turned to shit.

        89. Translation: they want a sap to hand over hus hard earned money and be happy about it, because shes so damn amazing and unique and totally worth it.

        94. I like it a lot. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Not that the Donna Reed character bore any resemblance to any actual females, alive or dead, but still…

        95. Who knows for sure. Cats see things we can’t see. Scientists admit there are things that vibrate beyond our senses’ abilities to perceive them. I once saw what I am pretty sure was a ghost. A guy looked into my bedroom, from the hallway, while my girlfriend was asleep next to me. It was about 2:00 a.m., I think. He then walked dead ahead, right into the living room. I jumped up, grabbed an aluminum baseball bat, and rushed into the living room. Nobody was there. My girlfriend, who was scared to death of that kind of thing, woke up a little bit later, and said, “I had a nightmare. I dreamed a man was looking in at us.” I told her it was just a nightmare, and she shouldn’t worry about it. A couple days later, I went downstairs and asked the older guy who lived in the downstairs part of that old house, if anything weird had ever happened upstairs. He told me that, yes, there had been a fire in the upstairs apartment about 30 years earlier. A man had died in the flames. He went and got a copy of the local newspaper from the day in question (he’d saved it), and showed me the guy’s picture, and I swear it was the same guy who looked into my bedroom. Truth is stranger than fiction, I’m pretty convinced of that…

        98. Bet the dude that carved the statue was like 6 hands for 3 to 5 guys with a spare hand to wipe cum of her face/ prostate massage!

        102. It’s all government dude. Facebook gets your personal data. Okcupid gets your sexual preferences.
          Heh. If you think of it, this method is so much easier than to force people to give this information for free. And it would actually be so simple to implement that you could hardly call it even a complicated conspiracy.

        103. When Merkel re employed the Stasi to help censor the media, the old Stasi boys were beyond amazed at the data collection capabilities of current services. They could only dream of possessing this kind of power.

    5. Delivery fees and tips can add a fair amount of money to the cost of pizza. It is much cheaper to just pick it up yourself if you can.

      1. If you ever delivered pizzas, like I did, you know the pizza is typically done in about 10 minutes. If they deliver it in 45 min, it has been sitting in a box for over half an hour.

      1. Most serious criminals and killers have that single mom common denominator. Can’t twist that fact.

        1. Me? I wasn’t twisting anything. I’m on board with you here. I’m glad you posted this.

  30. This reminds me of what used to be my favorite joke.
    How is a woman like KFC? Once you get past the breasts and thighs, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone in.

    1. I want to fuck a girl with one of those tattoos almost as much as I want to fuck a girl wearing a promise ring.

      1. Huh. Seems like the kind of thing you would have managed to cross off the list years ago.

        2. A promise ring comes off as so half-assed. I imagine I’d be offended to get one if I was a woman.

        3. I always thought a girl who looked like she felt guilty playing with her promise ring would be fun to bang. Kind of like when I met a girl who was a religious Pentecostal girl living in new York city for a year. I fucked her in her sparse bedroom that had nothing in it but some books and a picture of jesus. I felt so fucking great.

        4. I guess, neither have I. But I’ve never had the motivation to go out of my way to meet one.
          I have met a few of the verbal promise ring types, to which my internal thought process responded “we’ll see about that”.

        5. same on all counts. Going out of my way would take something very, very special.

      2. Im with you on the promise ring.
        ..
        Bonus points if she is the leader pf her church youth group.

    2. How did these folk’s ancestors survive and reproduce amonsgt the scrum? I mean really.

        3. Or etymologists:
          ‘The surname Hitler is a variation of Hiedler, a surname applied to those who resided near a Hiedl ‎(“subterranean river”). Earlier theories derived the surname from Hüttler (also spelled Huettler), either meaning “one who lives in a hut”, from Hütte ‎(“hut”), or from hüten ‎(“guard, look after”).’

        4. well done. And literal is from the latin literalis which is “belonging to letters or writing” from the latin Littera which is alphabetic sign but also literature and books”
          So librarians, who guard or look after books, would be….literally hitler.

        5. Literal can also mean ‘lacking imagination; prosaic’
          So literally hitler could be an unimaginative hut above a subterranean river.

        6. Unimaginative Hut Above A Subterranean River sounds like the absolute most boring song ever crooned.

        9. Ha. ANy time post 1990 yes. But I was thinking more like Andy Williams’ really, really boring and depressed cousin.

        10. I see you’ve never heard Pink Floyd’s “Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict”. I have no idea how they ever thought that was a good idea, and I don’t accept “drugs” as a legitimate excuse.

        11. GOJ, have you ever taken psychedelics? I can imagine you are the type who is afraid that he would lose control of his rationality doing it.
          Seriously, the stuff can make you see weird things.

        12. I’ve never had the urge to take illicit drugs. It just isn’t something that I’ve ever said “Yeah, need to try that”. I don’t mind if others do it (safely, and not out in the street chasing down the Mexican snake demon). Plenty of opportunities but I always gave it a pass.

        14. Yes…i have never understood the fascination with the “genius” of Syd Barrett. Most of the stuff from then was just noise thrown together.

    4. Temp tats are brilliant and prevent everything from rape to Katrina size hurricanes.

      1. Temporary “No Flood Zone” tattoos saved 1,437 houses from flooding in Louisiana.
        True story

    5. Unfortunately, since most of the world understands basic English, having “NEIN” tattooed on her ass makes the rapists think she wants it Nine times.

  32. They’re also expensive.
    Papa John’s is on the higher end of the price range for fast-food pizza, but there’s nothing about them that differentiates from shops that sell $5 large pizzas other than a few veggies tossed on here and there.

  33. “I had forgotten flip-flops existed until just a few days ago.”
    That line is a laconic beauty.

  35. Ok so American women are bad news. Please enlighten us on which country has the best women???

    1. Depends on your personal preference, but you’d be surprised how many country’s women are superior. Sucks, because I’d love to have a nice, white, European looking bride, but I’m not going to waste my time with anyone raised in this culture.

      1. Never say never… but I’m keeping all my options open and not limiting myself on nationality. If I could keep my pipeline of opportunities filled with foreign babes I’d be more than happy that way. Women are still women regardless, but I find game more strenuous with american females.

  36. Fantastic article!
    And it’s sad but true that the rest of the world (at least places that maintain some semblance of normality) look at American women as out and out garbage.
    As an American, it’s truly fucking embarrassing that “the greatest country in the world” produces some of the worst, most vile females ever to roam the planet.
    Think about it, ask a random person anywhere on the planet what their first thought of American women is. They’ll probably answer “The Kardashians”.
    Any wonder why the USA is fucking hated the way it is?

  37. Papa John’s could get a lot better pretty easily. Just change up the crappy sauce and quit center-topping the pizzas. American women, however…

  38. The only Papa John’s pizza that is good is located in Louisville, KY at Bardstown Road, everywhere else sucks.

    2. Ahhh. Without seeing the video i remember this. .
      …
      Crazy show. It was too crazy to live.

        2. When the gay guy falls face down with his ass in the air and sees a few homeless guys and says “fells, just remember “living positive” seemed like a good message to get tattooed in 1982″

    4. It’s scary how the female characters Toot, Clara and Foxy are the very epitome of American girls today.. the disgusting overweight skank, the psychopathic entitled princess, and the trash talking ghetto rat.

  41. Have my eyes deceived me? Is Tuthmosis really back? It’s been too long! Please, keep these coming.

    1. I was thinking the same thing. You could almost say he’s… back from the dead? Get it. ‘Cause the whole sarcophagus thing.

    2. Well, if I had any intention of stocking my bar with Bud Light (I don’t and never did) that’s out the window.

      1. I can sell you some fake eyebrows.
        Charette’s Eyebrows.
        Eyebrows for bro’s.

        2. Nah. He needs to go to the eyebrows hut. Or eyebrows eyebrows eyebrows. Those are the best stores.

        5. You shaved your eyebrows and you like to attack police officer wearing your grandmother’s dress, you Sudeten peckerhead.

        7. Your grandmother had no eyebrows. She worked at a chemical factory during the communist era of Tchechoslovaquia and the acide vapors made her eyebrows and hair burn, thus she ended up looking like nosferatu.
          Because she was very kind to you, as a child you brought her mushrooms from the countryside. She prepared a nice omelette, but the mushrooms were sadly poisonous. She died that day and since then you pretend to be her, in order to keep her alive and avoid dealing with the unbearable guilt.

      2. I want to say something in relation to that about Sausage Party & how I went out of politeness with a friend & the whole movie was a leftist shitfest/sjw programming piece of garbage & oh! Seth Rogan smokes weed in this one!, but… that’d be getting off topic. Yeah, it’s all about ads & there are a lot of stupid people out there, unschooled in politics & alcohol. They like to watch groceries butt-fuck & drink dirt water laced with rubbing alcohol.

        1. Wtf is Sausage Party?
          I don’t know when it started, but when I sit in cinema and watch the ads before a movie, I can’t help but often laugh out loud at the sheer moronic stupidity.

        2. I kept seeing Spammers advertising it, and for a while I thought it was a joke.

        4. Get ready for this….
          I remember a day when I went to the movies and….
          and….
          …there were no corporate advertisements. Can you imagine that? You walk in, they show a few trailers and the movie starts.
          *sigh* memories…

        8. I was in love with your hairless grandmother. I’m flirting with her through your absence of hairbrows.

        10. Yeah, but you lose the good seats. I like to take the handicap ones that have no seats in front of them so that I can stretch out my legs. Rarely if ever does somebody come wheeling in with a wheelchair, so why not?

        11. We met while waiting in the line to buy some toilet paper, near Václavské náměstí in Prague.

        13. I asked her if she wanted to share it, but I decided to buy it for the both of us, after having an interesting conversation about Kundera’s depiction of the czimbalum, a traditional Czech music instrument.
          I was working there for the French ambassy.
          She then asked me if I wanted to go to her home to try some orthopaedic insoles on, for they were very hard to find in these CCCP days. We both had flat feet, you see.

        19. It sounds like a slang way of saying that one should ejaculate on a woman’s face.
          I’m gonna czim-ball-um

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