What Happens When Colombia Meets Columbus

I moved to Columbus, Ohio in January of 2008. I had just turned 18 and was having a blast in my birth country, Colombia. However I was offered an athletic scholarship, which added to the prospect of being totally independent from my parents, traveling, and meeting new people, especially hot girls (I used to believe all Americans were blonde and hot, boy was I in for a surprise). These were enough reasons to convince me to make the big move.

Up to this point I had been to the States several times. I had seen the ugly side of obesity in the States in every single one of my many trips to Florida, but I also had seen the bright side. I recall banging a very attractive 15 year old blonde in my room at the Disney resort at age 16 as one of my most pleasant experiences while vacationing in Florida. This matched well to the constant bombardment of Hollywood media in Colombian society that made me believe all women in the United States looked like either the Olsen twins or Britney Spears. I was still a young and innocent soul unaware of the magic of makeup, $2000-dollar photo-shoots and Photoshop.

Eventually, I would make my way to Columbus, Ohio. I lived fantastic experiences in it, as well as terrible ones, but mostly I am nothing but grateful with the city. This is my take on what Columbus has to offer:

The Weather

It has a mind of its own, does whatever the fuck it wants and doesn’t care what you think. For a South American man who was used to fantastic Colombian weather, Columbus was hell on earth when I landed at Port Columbus. It was the coldest I had ever been, the trees were death, the sky was grey, and the people were rude. Nonetheless, as time went by I learned about seasons, and how a place that looked completely dead could blossom in only a couple months, I learned to look forward to the spring and summer and to the increased number of young, hot girls, with fewer layers of clothing roaming the streets.

The Partying

Once I had settled I began to experience what Columbus had to offer in terms of partying. I remember the first time partying at the dorms during my first week as a freshman. Someone handed me a Natural Light, a blend of hobo piss and water. I spitted out immediately and demanded a Belgian Stout.

It was then that I learned that most college students have no idea about quality, in general, and that they are as broke as Greece. This was hard for me to handle as I always had my wallet full, nonetheless, I didn’t want to be the idiot who paid for it all. It took me a great deal of self-control not to behave like Michael Jackson at Harrods and spend it all on my new friends. However, having some cash came in handy when I realized how shallow and selfish the standard American college babe is.

Up to then I had never seen the embodiment of the concept of “slut.” I remember vividly the first time I witnessed it at a place called Major Woodies. I walked into a bathroom to a girl giving head to some dude, I shouted, “I’m next!”

Subsequently she proceeded to pull the cock out of her mouth, and shout back, I’M NOT A WHORE! Then resumed her fellatio. Needless to say I laughed like a mad man for the remainder of the night.

This summarizes the type of things I saw at that fantastic bar. There were a lot of underage girls willing to do anything for alcohol, you didn’t need game, you just needed a drink in hand. Major Woodies was Satan’s playground, and God do I miss it.

Inevitably, partying evolved, with law enforcement getting a tight grip in underage alcohol consumption. In present times Columbus has three main ways to party, the first of them being house parties. These are like everywhere else in the states and revolve around the OSU Buckeyes and their endlessness, relentless hate for Michigan, because, well FUCK MICHIGAN that’s why.

There is also The Arena District, which is slut country and where you will find the younger, more attractive and sluttier girls in Columbus. Unfortunately you will also find the bitchiest, most entitled and annoying ones, most of them being bland and uncultured. If you still feel compelled to see this side of town you can try your luck in Sugar Bar, Social, Brothers, Gas Works (where once I got in a fight with a bouncer because some idiot girl fucked up my martini), Cantina and some other nearby watering holes. Columbus pickup scene is really a hit or miss, some nights I would have a blast, some others I would want to burn the place down. However, there is almost always a steady supply of slutty girls, which make it fairly easy to get laid.


Then there is the Short North, it contains the gay district, good restaurants, dive bars and the older range of people. Here you will find more interesting people and it’s a good place to have a nice, relaxed conversation. People here tend to be more interesting but still tasteless. The Short North has a varied offer for food and alcohol, however if you want to try a more Teutonic offer you can pay a visit to the German Village. Its filled with eye pleasant architecture and great places to eat. An important thing to highlight here is that the Short North is fairly cheap, as is Columbus in general.

Nonetheless, Columbus has serious issues with public transportation, other than public buses and cabs you have to rely on cars. Since I wouldn’t be caught dead in a public bus, I relied in cabs and my car for getting around (a car is almost a necessity in Columbus). Cabs in Columbus are cheaper than in DC but more expensive than NYC… mind that fact.

The Low Crime

I often heard comments on how Columbus was a dangerous city. In my head I never quite considered Columbus a city, let alone a dangerous one (anything under 5 million people I don’t consider a city). I was able to walk wherever I wanted at whatever time I wanted and never had any trouble. All dangerous situations I got in were the product of bar fights, never crime.

The People

I had a very close group of people at school, most of them foreign, a fact that quickly made us known around campus as “The Internationals.” It took me some time to recognize the type of people I wanted to be part of my social group, to which not a lot of Americans made it, this due to the lack of culture and taste that most of them displayed.

In my book Columbus has one of the highest ratio of douchebag to nice guy I have ever seen ranking at an impressive 11:1 according to my 2012 calculations. Girls do much better in the equivalent bitch to sweetheart at 4:1, however a lot of the ones without an attitude are also the ugly ones or the fatties, which is unquestionably a problem.

The average Columbus male

People in Columbus have a general ignorance for good taste, elegance, luxury and fashion. Most believe the highest expression of fashion is A&F, Hollister, American Eagle, Kenneth Cole, and Forever 21. They will act like 50 dollars is a huge bar tab and they believe that luxury means bigger, not better.

The Girls

Columbus has a large pool of females to choose from, if you have any resemblance of game you should have no problem getting laid. Depending on the day you may need to lower your standards, if you decide not to, which you should, you will find that keeping your game tight in asshole/alpha mode will get the job done.

Most girls go out wanting to get laid. Their feminist-infested society has pre-programmed them to believe that riding a random dick equals freedom. Take advantage of this beautiful thing. Most of them are incredibly gullible and dumb, and I mean it. Once I had one of them believe that my Brazilian buddy and I were former F1 test drivers starting our careers over at Nascar. Another time I made one believe I was the son of Carlos Slim, and a cheerleader once believed that quiddicth was a real thing in England after my British buddy reassured her it was true in his Queen’s English accent.

I see this city growing in the near future. It has a lot going for it, as big business seems drawn to it. They could really work on their cultural offer as it lacks a great deal. Museums are nearly nonexistent. Shopping and tourist landmarks are limited, too. Also, up to the point to where I left, the city was getting infested by the hipster crowd. In a matter of months they took over the Short North. I managed to have my share of fun with them but it got boring after a while.

This is my take on Columbus, Ohio. A city as confusing as unpredictable, a rollercoaster of emotions that can take you from sheer joy to utter misery in a matter of seconds. I will go back this summer. I hope this information is helpful to you if you ever decide to go.

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45 thoughts on “What Happens When Colombia Meets Columbus”

    1. Heaven if you’re only into slutty girls, and not real “culture.” 🙂
      Being from the Midwest and having visited Columbus once or twice, I’d say this is spot-on. Midwesterners, as a whole, are known for being friendlier and less antagonistic as people from the coasts. Ohio State is also a known party school and has been for years, so this is where you get the high ratios of sluttiness. Great if you want easy lays; bad if you want relationships.
      The dumbness is also due to being in the Midwest, and closer to the Ohio Valley, which is rock-ribbed conservatism and attendant ignorance. The closer you get to it, too, the fatter the folks are. Poverty, ya know.

      1. Between one of the biggest gay populations and the second biggest college market in the country, Columbus is not conservative by Midwest standards. Also, hipsters.

        1. Never said it was conservative. In fact, it’s very similar to Austin in that it’s kind of a liberal “oasis” in an otherwise conservative part of the state. That also explains the hipsterism.

      2. Midwest = conservatism = stupid? Typical liberal arrogance.
        Ohio isn’t an especially conservative state either. Neither is Columbus an especially conservative town.

      3. Midwest = conservative = stupid? Typical liberal arrogance.
        Ohio isn’t an especially conservative state either. Neither is Columbus an especially conservative town.

        1. The burbs can be. I had friends who lived out there many years ago.
          Also, to clarify, the OHIO VALLEY is conservative. Columbus isn’t necessarily so. But, since you have southern Ohioans going to Columbus to find work, they bring with them their dumbness.

  1. I’ve lived in Columbus for several years, there’s a great day game opportunity in this city that’s under the radar.
    Hit me up if you want a wing this summer

    1. Where are you located, I might pick you up on that offer, competent wingmans are a dying species.

      1. To make a martini correctly, you need cold ice, so it’s more brittle, and to shake it vigorously. That gives you the floating slivers of ice effect so it approximates an 80 proof Slurpee.
        Get a male bartender to make it for you – few women shake it hard enough although women can be more entertaining while shaking..

        1. …cold ice? but yeah, if the glass is chilled and you/they use a full shaker of ice and shake it like Michael J Fox on speed, you get those nice ice slivers.
          …and totally concur, most chicken-tenders (female bartenders) aren’t good for anything but fetching beer.

  2. Just came across a quote by L. Ron Hubbard. He may be crazy, but he’s absolutely astute when it comes to this :
    “A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.
    The historian can peg the point where a society begins its sharpest decline at the instant when women begin to take part, on an equal footing with men, in political and business affairs, since this means that the men are decadent and the women are no longer women. This is not a sermon on the role or position of women; it is a statement of bald and basic fact.”

    1. I should take this quote downtown to the Scientology church and pin it on the door. 🙂

      1. Here’s moar:
        “If man is to rise to greater heights, then women must rise with him or even before him. But she must rise as woman and not as, today, she is being misled into rising — as a man. It is the hideous joke of frustrated, unvirile men to make women over into the travesty of men, which men themselves have become.”

    2. it’s all about polarity, all of 4 dimensional creation is polarity.
      an electron is an electron, it cannot become a proton,
      when you combine the two you have an atom, but merge the two you have a neutron which has mass, but no polarity.
      neutrons only form the basis for heavier and heavier atoms, that need more and more electrons and protons to sustain themselves.
      that is interesting in the beginning, until you reach atoms that are so heavy they become, unstable and start breaking apart in radio active reactions….

    3. Is there proof to this ?
      Women should have equal rights I believe.
      Men at war, women at home is an old menality of weak humans.

  3. tOSU is not exactly known for academics or intellectual depth. I would say all six of those girls applied to Michigan and got rejected.

  4. I’m looking at the Columbus male picture 🙂 The guy from the left would look better with the outfit of the guy from the right. He wear too many accessories (bracelet, earing,necklace,watch), that doesn’t show good taste, it’s a little bit to vulgar. That necklace doesn’t fit with the shirt and the vest. Would have been more suitable to wear only the vest (macho man type) ,or remain with the shirt and the vest but give up the necklace and the bracelet. I like his jeans. He needs to be more stylish, but he’s definitely hot, his eye shows intelligence and has something magnetic. 9 for his look , 6 for his style so 7,5. The author was right, the picture show an average male. The guy from the right has an average look (maybe he’ s not photogenic) but I like he’s not afraid to match two prints together. When you wear printed tie and printed shirt, ladders should be different prints. I like the delicate chromatic in contrast with his gyp look 🙂 8 for this style, 6 for his look so 7- the author was right again, the picture show an average male. If I had to choose one of them I would choose the one on the right, because the left one looks handsome,playful, clever, doesn’t leave much to discover, so I’m more intrigued to find out how is the other.
    Thanks for this article. Even if it’s written for the male readers, it can be useful for girls too.

    1. One reason I started this site is so men wouldn’t have to endure reading female drivel like this. Thanks for the reminder.

      1. You are welcome. It won’t happen again. We all have enough strength to endure the drivels of others.

    2. I grew up there. Actually neither of them look like Ohio men. The one on the right might be of Slavic descent from northern Ohio. The one on the left is too dark to be typical Appalachian cracker. Both are are dressed lavishly in comparison to the average. A camo-flage hat and mullet are more likely accents to be displayed by local men.

      1. Thank you, I just posted something similar before seeing your post. If a guy showed up at a straight bar looking like that, they would be a victim. lol

    3. I’m not sure this picture is actually from a straight bar in C’bus; has to be a gay bar. If you show up to most bars here looking like that, you would get your dick knocked in the dirt… and that would be by the women. Just sayin’

  5. After seeing that picture of those girls with ” Fuck Michigan” painted on there asses, I definitely have to get a ticket to the next Ohio State vs. Michigan game. I bet everybody gets heavily laid on that weekend. I might even make Homecoming Week to.

  6. The hills of rural Ohio produce better quality weed than the country of Coumbia, thanks to the high humidity, ample rainfall, and rich soil.

  7. You just have to watch some CNN or Fox News to understand America : rather than focus the mind and understand an issue, they rather yap about it endlessly until they get bored with it and move onto another topic.
    Americans in general lack taste and culture. They never sit still, they
    always have to be on the go and “entertained” even though most of the
    entertainment is banal and uninteresting…..
    anything to keep the mind occupied, even Oprah will do….
    and outside hamburgers and ribs, the food utterly sucks, the american’s idea of french or italian cuisine would make your average European vomit, and involves mixing so many flavors you might as well eat from slops bucket, they save for the pigs…
    and well that is essentially America…. a bunch of hungry culture-less pigs, that will soon devour themselves….
    It’s a shame for all the good people that will be swept down the drain with them….because there are truly some very talented, creative and motivated people in the US, but that doesn’t make a nation….
    Culture does….
    Your 11 to 1 average just says it all….

    1. Your post sounds exactly like a 19th century travelogue written by a European touring America.

    2. As sad as it is to admit, this is spot on. Americans in general can’t carry a basic conversation, let alone an intelligent one, preferring instead to talk aimlessly at one another without so much as a thought between them. Being coarse and brainless isn’t just tolerated, it’s celebrated and worn as a badge of honor (I sometimes wonder what men like Adams, Jefferson or Lincoln would think if they came face-to-face with Larry the Cable Guy…). It’s really intolerable once you’ve seen the way of things elsewhere.
      And as far as having practically no culture (which is true), how did we manage to pull that off when dozens of peoples brought all kinds of culture to our shores? An unlikely feat of boorishness, that was.

    3. Haha. Now DC culture and attitude make so much more sense to me after living here for 6 years. Everyone boasts that this is a great city because “people from all over the country come here.” Know about the food culture in DC? It’s utter SHIT… Really matches the “hungry culture-less pigs” you describe… lol

    4. Haha. Now DC culture and attitude make so much more sense to me after living here for 6 years. Everyone boasts that this is a great city because “people from all over the country come here.” Know about the food culture in DC? It’s utter SHIT… Really matches the “hungry culture-less pigs” you describe… lol

  8. Note to self:
    “I’m next” is a line that doesn’t work on pure moral ladies giving head in bar bathrooms.

  9. Faust, try walking into a bar anywhere in the US except New Orleans or high-end hotels in NYC and SF and order a Manhattan with Rye Whiskey and see how the bartenders react. They will look at you like you just came out of a spaceship.

    1. Rye? That’s grain based lighter fluid; a more classless liquid has never been distilled. If it’s not wheated, it’s swill.

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