Mind

Beware The Pitfalls Of Seeking Validation

75 Comments

My development as a male has come with a lot of realizations. Many of them have had a substantial impact on both my outward life as well as my own mental growth. For example: that girls will have sex with you on the first date, or that I shouldn’t care so much about one girl versus another, or perhaps how all girls love being dominated. Another one of my biggest epiphanies came this November.

Until recently, in addition to my own beliefs about a girl I would date or sleep with I also paid attention to what others thought. After all, I had just developed this “power” and wanted to show off — and what is more (seemingly) impressive than the ability to take a complete stranger of a woman and then have her submit herself sexually to you? I was quick to tell all my friends about my conquests, show them pictures of the naked girls and so on.

Validation can be defined as the process by which one provides evidence to establish the truth of something. This is exactly what I was doing—I was seeking validation. In other words, I was seeking from my friends some evidence (their agreement or approval) that this girl was hot, sexy, or bangable (my desired “truth”).

The chase became inspired partly for the joy of texting my friends a +1 after completing intercourse. Often times when she would do obligatory post-sex bathroom run I’d grab my pants, pull out my cell and send the text. I’d be way too happy to show them the pictures of my conquests. Then that day in November, it all died.

I’ll save the full story for another time, but I met a girl that if I had such a thing as a list of random physical features that fit my ideal girl…well she was ticking them off left and right. I love brunettes, she had dark hair. I love light eyes, hers were hazel. I love really skinny girls, she flaunted ribcage and boxgap. Olive skin? She mimicked that of Sloan from Entourage. Raspier sultry voices do it for me, and she could be a voice double for Emma Stone.

I ended up sleeping with her that night, after what turned out to be a ridiculous few hours. Given the craziness of the night that ensued, and describing her as fitting my ideal, my friends asked for pictures so I showed them. They agreed she was very attractive but had varying stances on my classifying her as “ideal.” One friend in particular was somewhat dismissive as he prefers curvy blondes, and that sparked some thought in my mind.

I reflected on a lot of things the next day. One being I’d never see this girl again because she lived in another state and also had a boyfriend (surprise). While I wasn’t developing any sort of feelings or attachment to her, if you bang your ideal girl you’d probably want to do it on more than one occasion. But more importantly was the contrast about how satisfied I was with this girl’s appearance versus what some others thought, particularly the dismissive friend. And that’s when I realized I not only could, but should, really care less about what others thought.

It was liberating.

I used to be deathly afraid of flying. Every bit of turbulence resulted in my unjustified belief that the plane was going down. Then during one flight I tried to calm myself during turbulence and started thinking of it as bumps on a road while driving. For whatever reason, that portrayal of turbulence completely dissipated my fear of flying and now flying is one of my favorite things to do.

The same could be said about that day in November. Probably stemming from some sense of insecurity, I cared a lot about what my friends thought of the girls I bedded. And then when I realized how little my dismissive friend’s opinion affected me relative to my own opinion on the aesthetics of this girl, that prior way of thinking became absurd to me. My +1 texts diminished only to instances where I wanted to motivate my lazy friends into trying. Pictures were taken now for my own reflection as opposed to show and tell. If I wanted to hit on a dark-haired girl with bushy eyebrows because she reminded me of my younger days’ crush on Jennifer Connelly then I would.

Unless you are born with the natural confidence and resolve of a James Bond, chances are you have or still are seeking validation every now and again. Ever bump up your rating of a girl, even slightly, when telling your buddies about your latest bang? Ever pull out a cell pic of your last bedmate without prior request? Ever start your conversation with a good friend talking about your latest conquest rather than something neutral?

We’ve all been there and there’s no shame whatsoever to it. Hopefully you eventually begin to understand there is no real value in seeking validation for such things. In fact, by definition it’s impossible as you cannot establish the truth of an opinion…seeking to do so is not only empty but will cause frustration. It took me a while, but I’m glad to have made this realization.

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75 thoughts on “Beware The Pitfalls Of Seeking Validation”

  1. A significant fraction of the comments here are people seeking validation based on their sexual conquests, so good luck.

    1. Sex is a need that needs to be itched from time to time, nothing more.
      Sex should be used for pair bonding, but filthy women in the west are not worth bonding with.

  2. don’t ever brag about your exploits – if chicks hear that you tell your boys every sordid detail, they’ll be less inclined to open their legs for you. no chick wants her sluttiness exposed in public.

    1. This is interesting. Its a big world. How would chicks hear about your bragging?

        2. Do you know how globalization works?
          By casting the network widely enough that all places effectively become local.

        4. Then your world may be smaller than you think, dear Liza, dear Liza.
          The maximum value does not create the principle from which it was created.
          The principle is, oddly enough, the Ideal Gas Law via the Kinetic Theory of Gasses.

        5. I am familiar with that topic. It comes up frequently after I eat a Taco Burrito from Zantigo.

    2. I met with some people last night and learned that the GIRL had talked about what we did together to other people. Huge turn-off.

      1. Well yeah, what do you think girls talk about except men? All their magazines, tv-shows and everything else revolve around men, men, men.
        Of course she’s going to tell her friends what sort of a man she had met last night. It’s like expecting a shark not to attack you when you dangle an open wound infront of it. It’s in their nature, accept it.

  3. good thing you woke up, law dog. the article made it sound like you were screwing more for your buddies’ vicarious pleasures rather than your own.

  4. I got burned with the girl I lost my virginity to. I told my friends. Who told their friend. Who told his friend. Who blabbed to his GIRLFRIEND. And my braggin got to the ears of my girl. The validation backfired. (This was still in my blue pill days.)
    Now when I moved to a new area, I quickly joined the local lair. Posting field reports got old real soon because in the end it became mostly about the virtual back pats than any learning.

  5. I forget sometimes that the PUA community is by and large younger than I am (46 at the moment), so lessons like this expressed in print usually come across to me as “well, yeah, duh” at first. But that being said, it’s an important lesson that every man should learn and internalize. Living for the approval of others leads nowhere that you want to end up in life as a man.
    Thank you for sharing your epiphany, I hope other young bucks take it to heart.

    1. well said. The benefits of experience made this a lesson-in-review for me as well. Validation is a great tool when you need reassurance, consensus or other socially-derived benefit. We all need it from time to time, and we all want it even more than that, for the most part. The benefit of age and experience, I think, comes in knowing the true, often limited value it presents.
      I don’t always take a shine to LawDogger’s posts, but this is well done.

    2. YOU ARE AS IMMATURE AS THESE RAPIST BOYS ARE. AS AN OLDER MAN YOU SHOULD BE ENCOURAGING THESE MICROBES TO SETTLE DOWN AND RAISE A FAMILY INSTEAD OF PHILANDERING AND RAPING.

      1. Settle down and raise a family. Ok. Why?
        Let me explain what you are incapable of understanding. Men (well, successful men at least) don’t just “do” things. Life as a man is a hard continuous struggle for survival, and every decision counts. Why should I raise a family? What are the costs and what are the benefits? Can you make a convincing case that the costs outweigh the benefits?

        2. OH SORRY MISTER “MAN” – SO YOU THINK WOMEN AREN’T STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE? WE HAVE BEEN OPPRESSED SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME AND YOU WANT TO CRY YOUR LITTLE PITY PARTY?
          YOU MAKE ME SICK.

        3. Again, you don’t understand. The reason for my comment was to ask why you think men should have a family, not a ‘pity party’, which is something females would be more indulgent in.
          And no, women aren’t struggling to survive, not in modern society. Women aren’t held liable for their own mistakes to the extent that men are.

    3. Yup, this is one of the biggest lessons I internalized as I grew up as well. A huge catalyst for me was reading about human psychology (actual psychological science, not bullshit feel-good pop-psychology). I also recommend everyone to read The Prince. The difference between men and women isn’t that men don’t have social emotions. They do. It’s that men don’t let themselves be swayed by them.

  6. As a side note, is it just me, or is placing an article about not seeking validation on a site with post voting a bit ironic?

    1. Where do you suppose it would be most appropriate to post a sign that reads , “Keep your hands out of the leopard cage”?

      2. “WITH YOUR ONE REMAINING ARM, PLEASE AVOID STICKING YOUR ARM INTO THE LEOPARD CAGE AGAIN”
        Oh, I’d think anywhere in the vicinity of the leopard cage would do …
        Otherwise, think of it as evolution in action.

    2. Post voting is a way to bring the most insightful/funny/worthy posts to everyone’s attention. Don’t confuse “seeking validation” with “attempting to be better”. That’s a trap people fall in that makes them fat, lazy, and useless.

  7. I always record videos with my girls. When winter comes around my buddies and I sit and watch those sluts on a 60″ TV, drink beer and laugh. Fuck the sluts, they have nothing to lose, their fault for taking cock in front of the camera, willingly. Can you imaging your friends marrying one of those sluts. You attending the wedding? Not just no, but FUCK NO! Its like attending his hanging.

    1. surely there can’t be anything gay about 5 or so guys huddled up close together in front of a tv set, all of them pitching tents. nice one man.

      1. Sorry if you married and divorced one lf those girls. Not your fault you poor chump, its your exwife.

        2. Ok, we get that your father is a big beta faggot. Do you have anything of use to contribute besides juvenile name calling, sir?

    2. So in essence, you’re doing everything the opposite of “not seeking validation”. Hopefully one day you’ll realize how un-manly that is and change your ways. Not because of the women, but out of respect for your own person.

  8. For a guy not seeking validation you sure do write a lot about your amazing sex life.

    1. He’s writing anonymously and for our benefit.
      Not really the same thing.

  9. James Bond wasn’t born with natural confidence and resolve. As the last movie showed, he was an orphan, he **became** what he was through trial and sacrifice.
    All men are made. All of them. That is your inherent value.

      2. Indeed, the quality of the beer is not independent of the quality of the water or cleanliness of the brewery.
        Men are made, and the environment in which they burn has a huge influence on the final product, but at no point are they gifted any inherent value. A man’s value comes from his experience.

        1. And a man’s experience is dependent upon what he is inherently.
          You cannot separate the two any more than you can separate the water from the beer.Or the water from the man, for that matter, for then they would be neither beer nor man.

    2. The turning point in James Bond’s life can in Casino Royale.
      He, like a Beta, was thinking to give up everything for Vesper the bitch.
      But when he learns the truth(about Vesper’s two timing), he’s happy that he didn’t fall for the bait.
      His statement at the end of Quantum of Solace says it all :”The Bitch is dead”.
      That’s when he turns into a real Alpha.
      His story just proves the undeniable real life truth that one bitch can turn a man towards the road to Alphadom.

  10. Great post, Law Dogger.
    One of the scenes which comes to my mind is from the movie “The 13th warrior” starring Antonio Banderas. After the night his character sleeps with a girl (probably a slut) from the Scandinavian village,(where he is sent to destroy the vandals), the next morning he is indirectly being pried by his fellow comrades on “how the girl was in bed.”
    His alpha reply: “A gentleman does not discuss such things.”
    Women seek approval from fellow women (and men) on the things they have, the things they do.
    The worst thing a man can do is to seek validation from his fellow brothers – by chasing and banging pussy. Chasing and banging pussy is important for personal pleasure and physical/emotional health, as it is a biological program which nature has ingrained in male nature. Validation is necessary and important for the development of a healthy male ego.
    But Pussy is for the self (self validation), not for the validation of fellow men. The monk rises above this need for self and social validation by sex, and that is why they are often viewed with high esteem. But they are essentially ordinary humans like us who have understood the pitfalls of validation seeking.
    But that does not mean that a normal man who seeks sex becomes a lesser man if he doesn’t get enough bangs. Your results should be serve as a goal and motivation, and source of physical pleasure for you, not as a purpose for seeking validation from others. The worst thing is that a man can do is to let this need for validation overpower his common sense – into making reckless and stupid choices (e.g. banging diseased sluts just to secure validation from fellow men to show that he gets pussy, etc).
    When men focus on using sexual scores as validation from society (often by bragging), it creates a monster in society which ultimately defeats the gender men itself. This validation monster becomes a weapon in the hands of women, who often understand this need for social validation among men by sexual conquest. These women then use this to exploit and shame men for not getting laid enough (as manginas and other lesser intellectually evolved men do). The need for social validation by sex, becomes a labyrinth, which men have created for themselves, whose trapdoors then become operated by women.
    What men should realize is – that even accomplished players have “dry spells” (which are the refractory periods of a player’s sex life). It’s time men turned the tables on women (and manginas) by not falling for this bait.

    1. Insightful post.
      Validation through the approval of the others is for women and children.That is why Facebook exists.
      Validation through the seeking of challenges/problems and solving them is for Men.That is why civilization exists.

    2. ” . . . the movie “The 13th warrior” starring Antonio Banderas.”
      Possibly the world’s most underrated guy flick.
      On the surface little more than a stock coming of age story, but given power by the fact that the boy who becomes a man is an adult.
      The way even the fantasy elements of the story are presented realistically is also a major factor. There are no actual supernatural forces or powers at work. Just men doing what men can actually do against things that can actually happen. The original story is Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton, loosely based on Beowulf, but from a different protagonist’s point of view.
      The girl is not a slut. She is presented as a respected member of the community. What she is is Norse (the main characters are early Rus vikings, with a Norse perspective, and knowing that she is quite likely living her last day.

    3. Men seek validation from other men and women — by showing off that they are married.
      By showing off their children.
      By showing off their big houses, nice yards, big boats, nice cars.
      So how fucking small are these fuckers dicks anyway?

  11. Blue Pill Beta:Seeks validation from women
    Red Pill Beta:Seeks validation from other men
    Blue Pill Alpha:Seeks validation from the Betas.
    Red Pill Alpha:Other men and women seek validation from him.

    2. Seeking validation from your peers is an important part of socializing. It only becomes a problem when the person seeking validation starts to lose their sense of identity and self confidence. This happens when the person needs the approval of others to feel normal and worthy. Ultimately, it is an internal issue that could be affecting anyone. Even a red pill alpha male could be seeking validation in one way or another which manifests itself in traits which the rest of us find desirable and label “red pill”, we simply don’t know.

      1. “Seeking” and “Getting” are not the same thing. If your social value is high enough, validation may be seeking you.

      2. > Seeking validation from your peers is an important part of socializing.
        It only becomes a problem when the person seeking validation starts to
        lose their sense of identity and self confidence.
        It becomes a problem way before that. And if you’re at the point of losing your identity, it’s not just a problem, it’s a freaking crisis.
        Seeking validation and “socializing” are only important for one thing: increasing your social power. That’s it. Alphas understand this. Betas socialize because it makes them feel good. There is a world of difference here.

        1. I disagree, socializing with your friends isn’t just about increasing your social power, don’t confuse being an alpha with being a sociopath. Alphas have friends who they simply enjoy hanging out with, take Steve McQueen, he had friends who he enjoyed being with. He was alpha and people admired (still do) and sought his validation, but he himself admired Sinatra and looked up to him, he liked to make Sinatra laugh, which is a form of validation. It’s unrealistic to say McQueen only was trying to increase his social power. Remember, the pure alpha man doesn’t exist, it’s an abstraction, something to aim for but impossible to achieve.

        2. It’s possible to enjoy socializing while realizing its true purpose. Being a sociopath means feeling no empathy. Being in control means not letting the empathic feelings take control over you.

    4. Blue and Yellow Pill Beta: Seeks validation from Russian dyevs while hanging out with Euroworld feminists who give good ego stroking.
      May be subverted by Red, White, and Blue Alphas who speak Russian and English.

  12. Curious how you write an article about validation when youre so easily angered by a woman’s opnion of you.

  13. ” In fact, by definition it’s impossible as you cannot establish the truth of an opinion…seeking to do so is not only empty but will cause frustration. ”
    Everyone has their own perception of the Truth.
    Once you balance your logical and emotional brain as ONE, you will come closer to the Truth.
    Don’t expect your friends to be that enlighten though.

  15. Great article. Made me spend some time thinking, and from thinking comes learning.

    1. That’s why they do their damnedest to suppress that sort of thing in the schools.

  16. If you have to tell the whole village you’re getting laid, you’re doing it wrong. It should be in your walk, your attitude, your dealings with people.
    I point to the consummate alpha, Mr. Robert Mitchum. Dick Cavett says, “I’ve heard you’re the sort of man that doesn’t have to seek women, they come to you.” Mitchum denies, denies, denies, but…despite his words, you see his detached amusement and know the man is drowning in it. It’s around the 5:00 mark. His wife was in the audience, by the way.

  17. This article is pretty funny, because it’s posted on a site frequented by men who are desperate for their peers to regard them as ‘real’ men.

  20. Mmm… Jennifer Connelly circa 1991…
    I hereby validate (and second) this crush.

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